Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Edward Cullen Needs to Hump Bella Swan and Get it Over With Already

C'mon, let's be honest here: I'm sure almost all of you have had this thought at least a hundred few times when watching the Twilight movies. I know, I know--it would basically ruin the entire premise of the saga, but whatever. If I can suspend reality to read about sparkly vampires, then I see nothing wrong in wishing they would fuck around (literally) with the premise a little, at least hypothetically.

Oh man, Jenny Jerkface is gonna talk about doing the nasty again... this is gonna be good.

It's just that Bella is sooooo depressed in the films and--with the exception of New Moon, when Edward dumps her ass--it's really not all that necessary. Yes, there is ahhhhmay of vampires who want to kill you and drink your blood in Eclipse but... it's not the end of the world. After all, you're Bella fucking Swan and you have your own ahhhhhmay of vampires AND werewolves willing to die for you. Nut up, twat monkey.

And you have a sexy sparkly vampire who wants to love you forever and ever and ever.

It's just that he won't fuck you. Huh. Now that I think about it, I guess I'd be all depressed and moody, too.

Annnnnd neither is Bella...

I just don't get it. I mean, Edward has admitted to killing people and he seems to have no qualms about ripping bad vampires heads' off but he won't stick his icy King Dingalong in Bella's muffin. What's the big deal, Edward? It's not like Bella is asking you to stick it in her pooper, paint a map of Hawaii on her back and then do a jig naked in front of Charlie! Lighten up!

For real, Edward -- stop being such a pussy about this whole "soul" thing and just do it, already!! I mean, Bella totally wants you to put out and you're acting like such a fucking baby about it.

I really wish I was tickling Bella's love bean instead of the ivories but I can't. I JUST CAN'T!!! I'm so emo I want to punch myself.

What, are you afraid you're going to end up being some kind of two-pump-chump? You're a vampire who has been waiting to get laid for over one hundred years!! Of course you're gonna jump the gun the first few times around. Frankly, it's probably better that way because I'm assuming you don't jerk your own chain and a hundred and nine years is a long time to store the baby batter up so if you shoot a load inside of Bella that would probably do some fucked up damage.

Oh wait, it does. Never mind.

Yup. 'Nuff said.

Yeah, yeah, I know Edward eventually butters Bella's muffin in Breaking Dawn but I bet they could have cut out at least two hours of Bella and Edward brooding and/or acting depressed in some manner if they just let them fuck, already.

What. The. Fuck. No, really, what the fuck?

Then again, if Edward didn't treat Bella's, ahem, virtue, like it was a fucking Da Vinci hanging on the wall in the Louvre, then we probably wouldn't have ended up with all the wonderful, lusty, lemony fanfiction that we have.

Mmmm, fan fiction. Maybe the brooding was worth it after all.


  1. Speaking of fan fiction!!??

    Where is Osa Bella??

  2. No, but really. What. The. Fuck?

    I'm with @Dot, anxiously awaiting my new crack *cough* I MEAN, Osa Bella. Hit me, Myg!

  3. I blame Bella (how uncharacteristic of me). How many nights did she sleep beside him...and she couldn't manage an accidental boob slip? A "oops I forgot to wear underwear", or an "Edward! I forgot my towel for the shower!"
    Maybe if she had more female friends they could have helped her. You know damn well that Mike gave it to Angela.

  4. Dammit to hell. I mean Mike gave it to Jessica. Who knows...he might have given it to Angela too.

  5. I agree!!! Edward is being such a baby. They better start being happier after getting laid. I dont get it why is he so worried about her "virtue" when all that making out and dry humping is clearly not on the up and up... well something was up ;)

  6. Ugh, you got that right sista! I think all the built up sexual tension is making EVERYONE a bit moody. Emmett probably tells him to "do it already!" on a daily basis. Of course ignoring the virtue aspect, he was overprotecting Bella from his crush ability and mighty sex pistol..which is why they did the nasty in the water to begin with right? (on a side note, that is some mighty baby batter!) This makes me think of other safer B/E positions... OH, MYG where are you?!! ack! I need a fix~!
    I swear though, K/B better act like she got the best lay of a girl's life in BD and give some expression to that fact or there will be hell to pay!

  7. I love that first picture of Rob. He looks like he is thinking about sex. LMAO

  8. ok...where are his legs in that last creepy ass "picture"?? What the fuck is right!

  9. What. The, Fuck. is right! That manip was just nasty-ass! I need to get that image out of my head before I go to sleep. Guess I'll go back over to that sex toy website and look at the BDSM stuff until I feel better.

    I need to order some expendables anyway.

  10. I don't give a shit when he was born or how fucking broody and emo he is, no physically-17-year-old boy is gonna hold out that long. Especially when the girl is gagging for it. Seriously, I find this MUCH harder to believe than the whole vampire thing.

    ps. Can you imagine being Jasper in that house with all the ust? His head must be completely melted...

  11. everyone knows just the tip doesn't count!

  12. @JJ - yea, the fan fiction is well worth the torture. You notice FF Edward does not seem to have a problem with accidently killing Bella during those lemony sessions. He should have given SM Edward lessons....

    WV = flaggl. Yuk.

  13. LMFAO at "Nut up, twat monkey." Dude if I were her I'd be all up on the sparkly peen and if I had to stoop to drastic measures to do it I would.

    And what the fuuuuck is definitely the right sentiment on that last picture that thing is awful and creepy...awful creepy. Piano pic is hot though.

  14. apa-apaan nih, awalnya keren banget film nya lama-lama kayak film porno, isinya sex semua

  15. Betul tuh film nya ujung-ujung nya porno tapi gak pa'pa sihhhh tetap keren kokkkkk.......

  16. I think Robert Pattinson needs to hump me and get over it already.

    Wait, what were we talking about? Um I really can't see past the that sickly looking last image....necrophilia comes to mind...and not in a good, hot, horny, sparkly, fuckhawt, vampire kind of way.

  17. "stick his icy King Dingalong in Bella's muffin" --oh JJ, you've such a way w/ words! LMFAO

    Yep, yep.. I'd agree that Edward's own epic, self induced cockblocking is probably, more than likely, the catalyst for the holiness that is the ever lovin' citrus-y fan fic we all know and love... And in THAT case, I'm more than happy to have endured the torture.

    Now ABOUT Edward...
    I DON'T believe for one second that after ALL those long, frustrating nights w/ Bella-- forgoing any and all real play, that he DIDN'T go home and... wank it, choke it, spank it, wax it.. whatever you wanna call it.. I'm convinced: He. Did. It. And I mean, to make matters worse, he went home (with his spectacular vampire hearing) to 3 couples within close proximity that you know damn well were loud as fuck and humping like bunnies on steroids. He'd HAVE to opt for some self lovin' or else he'd implode or go completely fucking insane.

  18. OK I was about to say something profound until I was accosted by that fuck-awful image.

    What. The. Hell. Is. That?

    My retinas have been scarred.

  19. Hey there,

    I'm so sorry there was no Osa update last night everyone. Chapter 25 still isn't ready and I just don't want to give you guys a shitty, under-developed piece of crap chapter. Sadly, my work has been crazy busy, and since I've got the two little ones at home work is where I kite most of my writing time.


  20. LMAO @ "I'm so emo I want to punch myself." !!!

    Annnnd... the "fade to black" in BD *is* what led us to ff, as you said. I'm okay with that.

  21. I love it - "Nut up, twat monkey."

    Also I have a question about that wtf manip. Why is his skin color darker than hers? This is supposed to be a BD manip, right?

    Oh, I loves you, JJ. And I'm totes ok with Steph's whole thing now, because way better writers have taken on the smut mantle and run with it wayyyyy better than she ever could have. Did that make sense? Hope so! Mwah!

  22. I can't believe any of you can think of sex after that last pic. Hello Legless Grey Edward, how are you today? We couldn't make this a daytime pic? It would be way less creepy if there was some sparkle. It just looks like Bella is laying on a 3 day dead torso.

    Go to a search engine, put in "twilight porn." Just be careful, looks like a good deal of it is gay porn (Em and Jazz gettin it on?)

  23. I am totally with @astonmartin girl. If KStew doesn't look like she's the cat who's got the fucking cream (literally) when she finally gets it in BD, she'd better watch out. She thinks it's hard now being trailed by the paparazzi? Wait till she gets hunted down by a bunch of Twitards ready to knock her extremely large front teeth to the back of her throat.

    We have waited YEARS for this KStew.

    Do. Not. Fuck. It. Up.

  24. "It's not like Bella is asking you to stick it in her pooper, paint a map of Hawaii on her back and then do a jig naked in front of Charlie!" LMFAO!! Like @Luxie said, JJ you have a way with words. Edward is so anal retentive he would never stick it in her pooper, but I'll bet Emmett and Rosalie are getting plenty of ass play. j/s

  25. "I'm so emo I want to punch myself" OMFG, tears streaming down my face... JJ, I am absolutely in lust with this site. I don't think I've laughed harder in years, seriously.

    and "nut up" should be a part of every day conversation.

    I <3 Twitarded

  26. @Mrs Moo- OK, at least we are all in agreement there! Years, we have been waiting...YEARS!!
    AND~ Open mouth sloppy making out with possibly a lip bit or two... COME ON KSTEW! Bring. It.

  27. Mmmmmm fan fic, the brooding was worth it!

  28. If you haven't read The List yet, drop everything and do it. It's a far more realistic approach to what had to be going on right after Eclipse -- not to mention an improvement on Breaking Dawn. And so well written! The hubby and I are huge Laura Cullen fans!!

  29. @Mrs. P @ TwiBite - I am so with you there. It is SO easy to get a guy to have sex. She might not be fast enough to pull down his pants and latch on with her mouth, but she could certainly surprise him with nudity. The only reason I find SM's version at all possible is that I remember being a virgin and being really, really nervous about being forward about sex. I can completely understand how she wouldn't want to "surprise" him... at least at first. I mean, after months and months of foreplay I might've grown a set of my own and "accidentally" forgot PJ's one night.

  30. "What. The. Fuck. No, really, what the fuck?"
    Jeezum CROW!!! :: bahahahahaha ::

    @ Spottysmom: do you havea a link??

    OK, so this is where MY Bella would go...I'd put Jacob outside a bedroom door (blocking Alice's abilities, of course) while I have a 'conversation' with Jasper, whom I would BLOW until his head explodes so that he would mentally manip Ed-ward. Ed-ward would then fuck my brains out. And like it. A lot.

    WV: 'teropin' : Edward's skin looks more like that of a teropin in the What. The. Fuck. No, really, what the fuck? picture.

  31. There is nothing about this post that I don't agree with heartily, JJ. In fact, I'm sure I've had this convo with my Twi-buddy and we came up with the same conclusion. Where the fuck would we be in the fanfic if there wasn't any lema-lema-lemalade dripping off the pages of BD?! We don't want to think about that world, even though I'm sure there would be plenty to be had. It just...wouldn't be the same!

    I'm pretty sure we'll be bitching about Bella's bitchiness from now to eternity. I'm okay with that. It's better than dwelling on RL bullshit.

  32. I love the word "hump" and my day is made just having read it.

    That is all.

    Er, I thought that was all until I saw my WV= dicrub. How does blogger know what kind of hoors are slobbin the nob around here?

    Now, that is all.

    login troubles, this is italhurts

  33. people shut the fuck up if you would reasearch more you would no that they are engayja in real life. and i read that they save there last kiss after dark at rob/edward's hotell and they have 1 to 5 or 6 sex seionans in breaking dawn and one is under water so shut the fuck up about it pees are stupid. and i am younger then you pees.and i now more about it then you do.(and what the fuck is up with that last pic of edward and bella his skin does not look like that and bella's hair does not look like that eather.

  34. everyone knows just the tip doesn't count!


Comments are our life now. Leave one!