Really, have you ever met a guy who'd turn down a blowjob? Not me. I imagine they're like unicorns, you'd like to think they exist, but you know they're just mythical creatures! I think if Rob had a female, and let's say, "proactive" bodyguard, he'd be smiling a LOT more! Especially because he won't have to deal with KStew's giant chicklet teeth getting in the way (and possibly doing damage.)
So I've decided that I'm officially applying to be RPattz's new bodyguard. I know, I know, the position isn't really open, but I think given my qualifications and, ahem, abilities, Rob may just want to consider my resume. And while I'm not the most menacing figure around, I'm pretty sure I could scare off some crazy bitches with the hefty artillery of weaponry at my disposal. I'm not opposed to totally booby trapping the preh-tay's perimeter with various traps and explosives to keep him safe from the grubby, grabby fan hands.
I bet his current bodyguards don't even have the resources to get him completely out of the public's eye. Bunch of good-for-nothings, I say! Since I live in Maine, I could totally
I've never felt more comfortable walking the streets knowing Latchkey Wife will leap out of nowhere and attack any crazed fans with her stealthy ninja moves!
The best part about this for him? Well... besides the open-door knob-job policy... He'd save a fuckload of money because I'd do it all pro
That Latchkey Wife is one scary, protective bitch. And I love her. In a Stockholm Syndrome-y kind of way.
But have no fear my Twitarded sistahs... I'd totally get you an in with RPattz. Just flash your Twitarded membership card, slip me a crisp Ben Franklin, and I'll get you a private meeting... in the flesh (hey - we have to fill the coffers of the Forks bail fund somehow). I'll have that boy busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. So what do you think? Do I have a chance to protect Mr. Pattinson?
If you think about it, he'll kill two birds with one stone since he won't be needing KStew anymore either. It's a win win for both of us.