Thursday, July 15, 2010

Jenny Jerkface Gets a Facial

And not that kind, you dirty clit-clots.

Let me preface this by saying I hate, hate people touching me. I loathe getting pedicures and want to punch the lady who threads my eyebrows in the twat every time I go but I still go.

A couple of weeks ago, on a total whim because apparently someone had slipped me ecstasy and I thought it would be a good idea, I went and got a facial.

I picked the "Gold" facial because it's one of the cheaper ones and I can pronounce the name. The nice, young Indian lady leads me into a small-ish room that is supposed to be decorated so it's relaxing but I'm totally NOT relaxed, especially as I eye up some big dangerous looking machine that's standing next to the table.

Relaxing room, my ass. They probably gutted somewhere there before I came in.

Why the hell do they need such a monstrosity in a facial room? I mean, aren't they just going to scrub my face for me and send me on my merry way?

I am the angry facial machine and I'm going to steam the first twelve layers of your epidermis off!! Muhwawawa!!!!

The lady gestures to a tacky, supposed-to-be sexy nightie that's hanging on a hook next to the door. "You put that on," she says.

Aaaand suddenly my panic level jumps up to DEFCON 1.

"I'd rather not," I reply, staring at the garment and wondering how many other women have worn that. The lady looks confused.

"You need to put it on so I can do the shoulder massage."

I tell her I don't want a shoulder massage and she insists, since "I'm paying for it," so I finally decide that it's just easier to put the damn nightie on instead of arguing with the lady. She leaves and I disrobe quickly and put the fucking nightie on and try really hard not imagine hundreds of sweaty diseased women doing the exact same thing. My mind is already racing and she hasn't even started yet.

I always thought they gave you a robe or something, not lingerie that makes you look like a cheap hooker... P.S. the one I wore was so terrible I couldn't even find a picture CLOSE to it.

Oh mah gahd I can't believe I'm wearing this thing. Has it ever been washed? I'm totally going to get the swine flu or mad cow disease from this fucking nightie, I should just leave. No! Normal people do this all the time without having super- sonic meltdowns. I can do this, it's no big, no big...

The internal monologue is still going on when the lady comes back in the room. I'm lying down and she tells me to close my eyes, which I do. Reluctantly. Shit, I can't see what she's doing. What's that noise? I wonder what the hell she's going to be using... I really wish I thought about this whole "closing the eyes" thing before I did this. I mean, she totally could be putting something terrible on my face and I would have no clue. Because my eyes are closed.

When she touches my shoulder I almost jump out of my skin but manage to kind of reign it in, even though I know she felt me get all twitchy.

NO IT FUCKING WON'T!!!

"Relax," she says as she starts rubbing my neck and chest. Okay, relax, I'm getting a facial, women do this all the time and they love it, stop being weird--whoa! What the hell did she just slop on my chest?! The fuck? Is she rubbing vaseline on my neck? God, I wish I had a sense of smell because I have no clue what she's doing. I should have asked. I'm going to be totally pissed if I paid forty five bucks so some chick can rub vaseline on my... dude, is she going to be touching my boobs? This is a facial for god's sake, WHY is she rubbing my neck?!!??

Finally, she takes whatever goop she was rubbing all over my chest and neck and starts slopping it on my face. She starts massaging my face for a few minutes and the she pauses at my temples and presses down, hard, in some kind of ninja maneuver that I think might actually stop my heart or cause an aneurysm. And then I'll be dead and STILL wearing this fucking nightie. That fails so the lady begins to knuckle sandwich my cheeks and I suddenly realize I've totally stopped breathing. I start breathing again.

"Stop wrinkling your forehead," she tells me. "Relax."

Right, relax, relax, relax... Did she wash her hands before she started touching my face? I don't remember if I saw her wash her hands--I'm totally going to get herpes from this. Wait, is my skin burning? Holy fuck, I think it is!! Ohmygod, my skin is going to melt off and I'm totally going to look like Freddy Krueger and I'm going to be permanently scarred for life. I should just get up and leave... crap, I can't because I'm covered in goop and wearing some stranger's nightgown. This is terrible... relax, relax, relax. It's not terrible, it's probably almost over... can't get any worse then this...

How you likin' the facial now, Arizona?!

The lady stops pushing on my sinuses and I hear an alarming whirring noise so I crack my eyes open a little just in time to see her point an industrial-sized clothing steamer-thingy at my face and suddenly I'm choking on hot steam.

I totally freak the fuck out and she kind of puts her hands firmly on my shoulders because apparently I was trying to get up to run away. Great, the acid didn't melt my flesh so now she's going to steam it off. Jesus, I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE, I'm going to suffocate on steam and die... I'M GOING TO DIE IN A CRAPPY SALON!!! I can't believe women do this for pleasure, this is totally a form of torture, WHY did I think this was a good idea? Ugh, I can't breathe and--

"You're wrinkling your forehead again. It's ok, you can relax."

NO I CAN'T FUCKING RELAX, LADY. You're melting my face off and I'm going to die.

I force myself to breathe and realize my hands are now curled into fists as she continues to torture me and knuckle sandwich my face to death. I try to find my happy place.

Find my happy place, my happy place... Dear happy place COME SAVE MEEEEEEE!!!

I can't.

"Stop wrinkling your forehead," the bitch demands.

Fuuuuuuuuck you.

Suddenly, she stops kneading my cheeks and begins slapping/karate chopping the shit out of them. I'm beginning to suspect she's enjoying this a little too much and want to punch her. I can't believe she's freaking slapping me!! I bet this isn't part of her massage routine normally and she's totally fucking with me. Oh my god, is this over yet? I can't believe I'm lying here, in a filthy swine-flu sexy nightie, covered in god-knows-what while some chick is slapping me. And I'm paying her to do it! This is totally fucking ridiculous.

Those bottles simulate my face.

And then I start laughing. Because that's the normal reaction to being slapped in face. It must surprise her because she pauses for a second and I have to chant the alphabet in my head to keep from totally guffawing. ABC*giggle, snort*DEFGHohmygahd stop laughing *giggle* dude, STOP *snort* LAUGHING.

Finally, FINALLY, she announces, "Okay all done," in a really relieved voice and wipes my face down and I kind of jerkily sit up and immediately fall off the table. My torturer is eyeing me like I'm totally off my rocker and scurries out of the room so I can change out of the diseased nightie. My heart is pounding and I feel like I just ran a marathon because I'm sweating profusely. I trudge up to the counter, pay and get the hell out of dodge.

When I get home I look at my face in the mirror and realize I have a new pimple forming.

I hate facials.

56 comments:

  1. Facials are the most useless things EVER. I had one like a year ago. You'd have loved this one. They had some contraption that was suppose to zap bacteria on your face. It was have a fucking electrical current rubbed over your face with the occasional "zap" that felt like an elastic slapping on my face when it "got" some bacteria. At some point she went around popping blackheads. All I could think was "dude, I've got bobby pins at home that I could have used". I also endured the steam-up-your-nose-o-rama. I could have stood in the showere for an extra ten minutes and cranked the hot water for the same effect. Relaxing my ass. Screw that shit.

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  2. Ha Ha HA!! Thats great! It reminds me of a massage I had on my honeymoon in Jamaica. It was supposed to be a full body massage but she focused on my ass 75% of the time. First and last time I ever get a massage.
    My ass is huge but really?!

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  3. I don't know what the hell kind of facial you went to but I find them relaxing :) And some of us *cough* freaks have wide pores so it helps clear up the skin...the first time I got one was great the second time not so much because I couldn't get the same girl and it wasn't as nice and I walked out to my car to find a flat tire (I know unrelated but it killed my afternoon). Also noticed I broke out after that one because all the bacteria from my skin and non-existent skin care routine surfaced and decided I was 17 again! great.

    Anywhoo! my sister and I were talking about facials this morning so it's funny you blogged about them lol. I need one now!

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  4. Thank God. After the whole twilight-porno-takin-one-for-the-team thing, I thought you meant another kind of facial...
    Yeah I went there.
    My bad.

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  5. Holy Cow, I almost spit water out of my nose when I started reading this! I laughed so hard I swear I peed myself.

    I feel your pain, I love pretty toes, but cannot handle anyone toyching my feet, so I skip the whole pedi thing. And I really hate people touching my face and let me tell you if some bitch slapped while rubbing goop on it, I think the police would get called. LOl.

    Thanks so much for sharing that experience, I really needed the laugh today.

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  6. Oh JJ...BWUAHAHAHHAHAHAH...no, sorry, I really am laughing WITH you, not AT you....*snort, giggle, holding my sides...*

    I just have this mental image of you with the horrible nightie, and your scrunched up face, counting the seconds until it's all over.

    @Sharon...LMAO!! Thank goodness it wasn't that kind of facial!

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  7. I've never had a facial... And now I might not ever go there! but really - a cheesy nighty??? i don't get it! YES there should be some sort of robe or more professional covering, no?? ok note to self: check reviews online before booking anything like this! maybe i will just stick to my little face steamer and homemade concoctions. seems...less stressful.

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  8. You are friggin de-ranged, JJ. Oh my god woman! Why the fuck you spent $45 for that is beyond me. I'd slap you around for $29.95!

    I love any kind of touchy stuff. Manicure, pedicure, facial, full body massage....whatever man. Bring it!! Yum.

    But you, you should take a tip from Nancy Reagan and Just Say No next time. Save your money for the Eclipse special secret handshake edition DVD. Or a new Eclipse FSE. You know the merchandising is just starting and you need to save up. Or how about that Forks Dorks Bail Fund? Just some ideas for ya, Arizona. ;)

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  9. I laughed so hard that I think I peed my pants a little! I hate people touching me too so that would have not been *relaxing*

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  10. OMG, That was the funniest story. I'll never get a facial now. WTF on the nighty? Eww. You have much more self control than I would have. I would have told her off and left without paying.

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  11. Funny. Ass. Shit. Thank you!

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  12. hahahaha im sorry but i was laughing so hard throughout that entire pist.and the pictures with the were perfect.because of the bottle picture,i got the full effect of what it would look like if u were to get slapped around a bit.i've never gotten a facial before and now im not so sure if i want to!thank you jj for taking one for the team =)

    p.s. In case this blog tanks someday (which there is no effing way that that is EVER going to happen),I suggest you go into the critic business.I would sooo read your column/website!

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  13. stilllookingformyvampJuly 16, 2010 at 12:06 AM

    JJ,

    Let's just say you got the fuck all of facials.

    I have had a couple of them. One hurled me from the chair cussing like a sailor because I was sure the bitch had poured kerosene on my face and flicked a match. That was BAAAADDDD.

    Then a few years later, after the pain and memory had subsided, mom came to town and took me to the Redken Red Door Salon. I went in with apprehension, and emerged with a whole new appreciation of facials - snuggly, clean, white terry cloth robe and all. You get what you pay for. The torch to the face - $45 + tip. The exquisite experience - $75+ tip. Time for mom to come for a visit again.

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  14. I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard. My hubby thinks I've lost it cause I'm reading this in bed and snorting and giggling as I read and I totally lost it over the new pimple. My god what kind of facial was that suppose to be?!?

    I've had one or two that were quite enjoyable no steam or slaps involved. Just a sea salt scrub and kelp shit spread on. Oh, No strange garb involved either.

    God just think of story that chick is telling about you.

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  15. Too funny...you had me in stitches. But I gotta say your beautician sucked! It's all in the details, no wonder your skin felt like it was on fire! No lasting damage I hope?!

    I love having facial massage combos - dark room, relaxing music, fingers working their magic, scrubbed blackhead free squeaky clean face - bliss. But def no nightie, just the ultra sexy velcro towel wrap that does nothing to hide a fat arse. What I don’t like is the red spotty face with black eyes (eyelash tint)and the bad hairdo just after.

    Anyway, love your blog. Have for ages but have never posted.
    This is my 1st.

    Thanks for the great big belly laugh JJ!

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  16. You poor dear! We'll have to bring a skilled facial expert to Forks so you can have a nice one.

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  17. JJ - I feel your pain!

    My mother bought me a facial as a 'treat' when I turned 16. Even all these years later I remember how fucking hideous it was. I am not good with touching, steam, exfoliating, etc.

    There is just no need for this! Surely...

    Right - I'm off back to look at the latest Rob-shots. If you haven't had the pleasure, this should take your mind off the facial hell: http://dlvr.it/2gwJr

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  18. JJ, thanks for making me scared. My friends and I are having a spa day next weekend and that will be my first facial. Now I'm gonna go in there and have some kind of anxiety attack episode.

    Like always I love this blog, you girls are hilarious!

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  19. OME! Never go back to that salon - that is NOT what a facial is supposed to be like! LMAO!! This post was sooooooo entertaining and hilarious, I'm still laughing through the comments. But seriously: don't go back there. A nightie? No thanks. They should give you a towel wrap or robe or something, not a nightie. I'm surprised you didn't get a happy ending, LOL.

    @vermonstermom: LMAO @ the "super secret handshake edition DVD of Eclipse"! Do you think they'll have that at Best Buy or Target?

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  20. *Snort, choke, pee a little* JJ, I really have no idea how I ever lived without you.
    I've never had a facial. Never would have guessed you would be forced to wear a diseased nighty. Creepy. I certainly don't see myself ever having a facial now. Even if I did, I would probably just lay there and think of this post and laugh my ass off.
    @jenmariejen, I also had the ass focused massage in Jamaica! I just thought the chick had a thing for big butts! Must be cultural.(or we both just have bums that are irresistable to jamaicans) That was on our honeymoon more than 10 years ago. Haven't had a massage since.

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  21. Okay. So I read this at work and the whole time I was obnoxiously lauging out loud. Hilarious. I'm phobic about people touching me too. I've never had a facial or a massage. I even get freaked out by the dentist leaning over me to clean my teeth. I used to have an elderly dentist, and when he was doing the examination, he wouldn't wear a mask. I was always scared some of his long, white nose hairs were going to fall into my mouth! Thankfully, he's not my dentist anymore!

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  22. @Janey - That's a great idea!! I would totally participate in all sorts of weird shit and write about it. Now, how do we get that started? lol!

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets freaked out by this shit. I find it kind of ironic that I have zero problem with getting tattoos but a pedicure makes my heart race.

    That's totally normal, right?

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  23. omg that is too funny.

    I got my first facial a few years back after my bro-in-law gave me a voucher to a day-spa for xmas. I thought he was so thoughtful...till I got in there.


    So you think you were embarrassed? I get into the tiny little room and the woman says 'put on that', pointing to a terry-toweling-looking robe thingo. I pick it up and it looks like it's a giant draw-string bag...*puzzled* so I put it on...up to my neck. My arms were pinned down by my sides like I was wearing some weird giant toweling condom with the tip cut off it. how the hell do I get up on the table now?! (did I mention I have a thing about not being able to move my arms?! ...oh and I'm with you. I hate closing my eyes)...anyway, the woman comes back in and the bitch actually snorted at me...apparently I was supposed to put my arms through the top and have it tucked under my arm pits--HELLO!?!? HOW ABOUT A DIAGRAM PEOPLE?!?! bitch.

    then she proceeded to steam the shit outta me, (i kept sitting up to get my head out of the oxygen-deprived steam-jets), then dug around getting out all my pimples then smeared some stuff all over me only to wipe it back off 20 mins lateer...

    needless to say, I never went back either...I've had one facial since at a different place, and it was nicer. No karate-chopping on my face, MUCH less boob grazing etc etc.

    word verification IRONICALLY ENOUGH: uggly LOLOL

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  24. I have one question, being as loud and I don't take shit kinda woman that you are. Why the hell didn't you say anything?!? I would have thought you would have tit punched her for slapping you like that?!? JJ are you getting mellow in your old age?

    What the hell is up with the visual verification word not showing?

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  25. I am pet sitting for my friend's dog and I scared the poor thing... with my out of control laughter. Oh my goodness you are toooooo funny. I am glad you survived. I actually hope you will do more things like this if for nothing more than our entertainment ;)

    LOL!!!!

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  26. JJ, you are fucking hilarious. :-D

    My mom is also like that - hates people touching her, etc. I, on the other hand, am a big fat whore and LOVE massages, body wraps, everything! I actually really love something about complete strangers rubbing me down. Huh.

    HOWEVER - I went to Thailand this December and decided to try out a traditional Thai massage - HOLY SHIT. I felt like I'd just gotten beat up! At one point, the lady put her knee in my back and pulled my arms back - thought I was going to die! Now THAT is some torture right there.

    So sorry about your terrible experience, but I won't lie - reading about it was awesome. Hope you've recovered!!

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  27. I have never had a facial and I rarely get a pedicure or a manicure because I hate people I don't know touching me. I especially hate it because most of the time you don't know what they are saying about you either and on top of that my feet are really ticklish and it makes me nuts. Anyway, I feel your pain and I doubt I would ever get a facial but I really think your experience pushed me over the edge of never!

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  28. OMG, laughing so hard I'm crying. I have had very very similar experiences, esp re getting a monster pimple as a result of all the poking and prodding and pain. What's that about? I swear to gah I now have a mole in my eyebrow on account of my sister tweezing the shit out of me before my wedding. Thanks sis!

    And we share a happy place. It's a wonderful wonderful beardy happy place. Oh, I think I'll zone out on that for a while.

    You're hilars, JJ. Kisses.

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  29. This is seriously the most hysterical thing I've read in a long time. It totally sucks that you had to go through it but at least you got a good story out of it. Thanks for sharing, I probably shouldn't have read it at work because I couldn't stop laughing!

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  30. I've never, ever, ever wanted a facial. I'm fine with people touching me spa-wise, and I don't have any problems with closing my eyes. However, I do have a problem with a majority of my peeps having nightmarish experiences with facials. I'm gonna go ahead and put you in that column.

    I love that you slick licks go through the pain to hook us up with some of the most hilarious blogs ever. You are truly dedicated to our community, and my abs thank you. That laugh-a-thon was quite a work out!

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  31. HOLY shit man! You made my Friday!

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  32. That is one crazy facial... now I know I will never go to get one. I have a hard enough time not laughing at the chiropractor when she bends me six ways till Sunday. Or when she does this ultrasound machine on my lower back, she always has my ass hanging half out of my pants to get this done... its really hard not to laugh at that. Did I mention I know her Mom?? It makes it a little awkward when I see her in public settings.. she has seen my ass for Christ's sake.

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  33. @JJ when we are in Forks we are going to work on these touching issues. You will trace your areas of issue with lipstick and then we will work on desensitization techniques. @Red-Bella will make something really awesome and Twilighty for you to wear. @Myg will be there to guide you through that eyeball technique thingy. @STY and @LKW will hold your hands. @CullenaryCurser will be there with the vodka drip. I will be there with my phone ready to dial 9-1-1 and/or @TK.....just in case. It will be great.

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  34. Oh and @Anntastic23 will be there making sure everything is tidy, serene, and in order. XO ;-)

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  35. @Jenny Jerkface-thanks so much!and I'm am positive that people would read your reviews.well,positive that me and the rest of the twitard nation would!we could start out in local newspapers,but all the classy jerks would probably have a hissy fit after hearing what you have to say about their favorite restruant haha.I suggest spawning another website from twitarded! Lol

    by the way JJ,the fact that you not only acknowledged my existence but approved of it made me feel like I met a freaking celebrity.I read your comment with my mom a couple feet away from me and it took all I had not jump up and down like a freaking phsyco.because she is not aware whatsoever of my twitardedness.your lil comment TOTALLY made my day =)

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  36. @VitR... nice! All roads lead back to fanfiction.

    @JJ... only because you are so effing hilarious am I going to forgive you for a post not directly related to Twilight. I do agree with @Janey though - if you started a blog to review random things (more than just adult toys and movies... or just that), I would read it, unless you ditched Twitarded for that blog, in which case I would hunt you down.

    On another note, how about a poll to see how many times us ridiculous Twitards have seen Eclipse? I might win that one. Helloooo leg hitch and hottest Edward ever!

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  37. I KNEW IT! I knew getting a facial could be a frackin' nightmare and you, JJ, have just confirmed it for me so I thank you, my face thanks you and the holy-friggin-hell-i-can't-let-that-person-touch-me part of my psyche thanks you as well.

    I had a 10 minute massage at the kiosk in the mall once. Yeah, that's what I said - kiosk in the mall. Apparently being in a small relaxing room with a professional makes me extremely uncomfortable but sitting on a weirdo chair/table thingy with my coin slot showing and moaning loudly while getting a massage in the middle of a crowded mall is right up my alley. Ookaaay.

    Anyway, laughed my arse off at your blog. Thanks for sharing your traumadrama.

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  38. Ok, first. I'm laughing my ass off because you are always funny.
    BUT can I just say I HATE people like you (btw, that was all with love JJ). I'm a massage therapist and I don't understand why people come in to get a massage just so they can force their muscles into spasm because they are freaking out from the massage so much. I just want to scream "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TABLE if you don't want to be touched!!!" Well, not really, but it still confuses me as to why they would come in if they didn't like it.
    As for the nightie...uhmmm that's a bit odd. I work at a spa and we only use robes (which are washed right after use each time). Who the hell uses nighties?

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  39. again, I'm twitarded and don't know how to finish a sentence. It was supposed to say "BUT can I just say I HATE people like you (btw, that was all with love JJ) that come into the spas when they clearly hate it."

    Also, I've never had a facial like the one you described (ninja moves, slapping, etc) so you might want to try another one (haha! that's pretty funny).

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  40. I read everyday, but am a rare commenter - sorry! I have to tell you though that this has got to be one of the funniest things I've read in a long time!! I needed a smile today - thanks for sharing!

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  41. I swear we are twins. I will never get a facial because I hate people & want to snap their hands off when they even attempt to touch me. I tried to get a pedicure once & brought my own nail polish--bottom coat, color & top coat. Before I sat in the chair I noticed a sweaty beast of a woman in the chair next to me. She was breathing through her mouth & making a wheezing sound. The chair was slick with her sweat. I bolted & left all my nail polish behind.

    Oh & try to imagine being pregnant & giving birth with your touching & germ issues. Yeah, not fun. I think the hospital still has my photo posted.

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  42. First off, this is NOT the kind of facial I thought you were talking about.

    I had a facial at a very nice spa once & it was wonderful. More relaxing than a massage. I think both facials & massages can be good or bad depending on who gives them.

    If you really don't like being touched, how about just using liquor to relax?

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  43. holy crap, I sounded like a real dickhead earlier.
    Sorry about that! I'm actually very good at making people feel at ease when I'm at work LOL

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  44. @ Cat - will you be in FFOORRKKSS??? If so, can you be the official Twitarded masseuse?? :)

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  45. @Cat - You are SUCH a douche. I'm only kidding!! Honest!

    Trust me, you're free to voice your opinion and I didn't think it was dickish at all, darling.

    And if you come to Forks, you totally owe me a massage. Just sayin'. ;)

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  46. aww *sniff* thanks guys! I SO wish I was coming to FOOOOORRRRKS, but unfortunately I've been saving my pennies like a WEASEL for the Twilight con in Nashville next year since God knows when. If there is another FOOOORKKS trip, I'm so there.
    Plus I'll teach everyone to massage each other.
    Ok, that sounded like that might start some more trouble, ha!

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  47. "is she rubbing vaseline on my neck?"--EPIC WIN!!!!! JJ UR MY GOD

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  48. Like red_bella's husband, mine thinks I have completely lost it as I sat here on the other end of the couch from Mr. Backyard and laughed my ass off! I had tears streaming down my face and I was laughing so hard that I started snorting. This has to be one of my all-time favorite Twitarded posts!

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  49. Holy fuck balls, I am crying I am laughing so hard after reading this. I want a facial now. NOT. Well, not unless you come with me.

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  50. Where the fuck did you go, The Bunny Ranch Spa? I think the first clue to avoid the place was that the facial was called "Gold". Sounds real serene and relaxing - not!

    I've never had a massage I really liked (and I've tried) but I love facials. And um hello? The steam is the best part!

    But it really does depend most on the products and the esthetician - it's hit or miss.

    So please don't judge them based on JJ's experience - she's not normal. :>p

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  51. OMFG and THIS shit right here is why I love you.I've been in summer flu twi/net oblivion the last 3 days and I get to come back to this ;) I totally have to go fix my makeup now because my mascara is all burning my eyes cause Im all fuckin crying and shit cause I just laughted so hard I couldnt breathe and all 4 of my kids came running with WTF looks on their faces......thanks for takingone for the team <3...no I'm not really sure I wanna use the day spa gift certificate I have.....I'm skeeeeerd

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  52. This is seriously the most hysterical thing I've read in a long time. It totally sucks that you had to go through it but at least you got a good story out of it. Thanks for sharing, I probably shouldn't have read it at work because I couldn't stop laughing!

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  53. omg that is too funny.

    I got my first facial a few years back after my bro-in-law gave me a voucher to a day-spa for xmas. I thought he was so thoughtful...till I got in there.


    So you think you were embarrassed? I get into the tiny little room and the woman says 'put on that', pointing to a terry-toweling-looking robe thingo. I pick it up and it looks like it's a giant draw-string bag...*puzzled* so I put it on...up to my neck. My arms were pinned down by my sides like I was wearing some weird giant toweling condom with the tip cut off it. how the hell do I get up on the table now?! (did I mention I have a thing about not being able to move my arms?! ...oh and I'm with you. I hate closing my eyes)...anyway, the woman comes back in and the bitch actually snorted at me...apparently I was supposed to put my arms through the top and have it tucked under my arm pits--HELLO!?!? HOW ABOUT A DIAGRAM PEOPLE?!?! bitch.

    then she proceeded to steam the shit outta me, (i kept sitting up to get my head out of the oxygen-deprived steam-jets), then dug around getting out all my pimples then smeared some stuff all over me only to wipe it back off 20 mins lateer...

    needless to say, I never went back either...I've had one facial since at a different place, and it was nicer. No karate-chopping on my face, MUCH less boob grazing etc etc.

    word verification IRONICALLY ENOUGH: uggly LOLOL

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  54. Too funny...you had me in stitches. But I gotta say your beautician sucked! It's all in the details, no wonder your skin felt like it was on fire! No lasting damage I hope?!

    I love having facial massage combos - dark room, relaxing music, fingers working their magic, scrubbed blackhead free squeaky clean face - bliss. But def no nightie, just the ultra sexy velcro towel wrap that does nothing to hide a fat arse. What I don’t like is the red spotty face with black eyes (eyelash tint)and the bad hairdo just after.

    Anyway, love your blog. Have for ages but have never posted.
    This is my 1st.

    Thanks for the great big belly laugh JJ!

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  55. Funny. Ass. Shit. Thank you!

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  56. OMG, That was the funniest story. I'll never get a facial now. WTF on the nighty? Eww. You have much more self control than I would have. I would have told her off and left without paying.

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