Thursday, July 22, 2010

Life With Edward (I Want to Go to There.)

Things I love: stripey cats, shiny red patent-leather high heels, Edward.

So I was sitting at work the other day when I came to the realization that I'd made a strategic error by wearing my fave high heels to the office without having a back-up plan [read: flip-flops] to get me through the long, end-of-the-day, butt-dragging, holy-shit-my-feet-hurt epic trek from my office on the third floor waaaay the eff back out to my car in nether regions of the parking deck. It was during this arduous gimp-march that the light went off over my head: what I really needed was not flip-flops. What I really REALLY needed was Edward.

I needed him something bad. I needed him to come silently up to my desk, place his cool, soothing hands on either side of my face, look me lovingly in the eye with those amber peepers of his and say "You look like you could use a ride, spidermonkey. All aboard!" OK fine, so in this perfect world he wouldn't call me spidermonkey, but still. You get the general gist. And as I was doing the sloooow crawl up the overly-congested, traffic-light-riddled interstate highway that is 95% of my commute, I began pondering just how easy things would be if I had an Edward at my beck and call...

I told you, it's OVER. I'm with Snarkier Than You now. Deal with it.

Let's examine some average day-in-the-life moments from both the "Solo Snarkier Than You" and the "Snarkier Than You + Edward" perspectives, shall we?

Solo STY: Alarm goes off at some ungodly hour of the morning; I ignore it until Mr. Snarky starts grumbling that I need to shut it off. Hit snooze. Repeat approximately three times. Finally drag my sorry ass out of bed after the cat makes it clear she will not be silenced.

Tell me something I don't know...

Bleary-eyed, make tea and head to the shower, then spend twenty minutes I don't have to spare tossing the contents of my closet out onto the bedroom floor in an attempt to find something that doesn't make me look and feel like a schlubby pot-bellied pig. Fail. Choke down an energy bar as I head out the door to work, late as usual.

Closet vomit. We've all been there. OK, I've been there. Frequently.

STY + Edward: Wake up to Edward doing wonderful things that aren't spoken of in polite company and which definitely beat anything my alarm clock has to offer. Refreshed and suddenly starving. Not to worry! Eat the scrumptious breakfast that Edward delivers to me in bed (you know he makes some mean eggs, ladies) as he reads me the morning paper (omitting the depressing stuff because he just knows me). Bathe; Edward washes my hair and gives me a professional blow-out because he's Edward and that's the way he rolls (and the vampire scalp massage? To. Die. For.). Get dressed in the perfect, flaw-disguising clothes Alice has picked out (hey, it's my fantasy, and I get Alice too, ok?). Thank lucky stars that Edward didn't ask me to wear that dowdy khaki skirt and button down. Again (he's a doll but puh-lease). Get whisked off to work by Steedward. {{{swoon}}}

How did you sleep, lovely? I've been staring adoringly for hours. I hope you don't mind.

Solo STY: Spend eight to twelve soul-sucking hours at my office. Escape reasonably unscathed but beat down and brain-dead.

STY + Edward: With Edward in the office with me, work's an absolute joy! He's does a perfect job of massaging reasonably-acceptable-by-office-standards body parts, is the perfect gatekeeper with the don't-fuck-with-me glower to keep all the riff-raff at bay, AND he runs my errands. Quickly. So I won't miss him. Feel like wearing shoes that are made for admiring and not actually transporting the human body from point A to point B? Not a problem in Life-with-Edwardville!

Solo STY: Leave the office, go grocery shopping, get home and spend the next few hours trying to fit in all the shit I have to do (clean up, cook dinner, clean again, attend to the needs of the world's most time-consuming cat) before going to bed, tossing and turning at the prospect of getting up and repeating the whole miserable process again in a few short hours.

STY + Edward: Nap on the way home while Edward ferries me back to home sweet home, where he makes me a gourmet meal (for someone who doesn't eat, that vamp can cook up a storm!), makes lightening-fast work of the cleanup and assorted chores, and settles in to watch chick flicks with me while massaging my feet and keeping my wine glass freshened. After taking care of, er "other needs," he holds me while I fall asleep and gently carries me off to bed. {{{sigh}}}

Mushroom ravioli?? Pour moi?! You shouldn't have! Nom nom nom...

Any people wonder why women our age - with families and jobs and responsibilities - went apeshit over Edward??? REALLY?! What's not to love?! I would give my left nut (um, or reasonable facsimile) for one day like this! OK, make it a week. I need a b-r-e-a-k! TGIF, people!!

Sweet dreams...


  1. STY, Yes to just everything you wote! We all need an Edward and sooner rather than later cause if it wasnt Friday tomorrow I would be really losing it!

  2. sigh... life with Edward would be divine... but I have to admit... he sounds kind of like a slave. Not that I would complain about a hot vampire slave, but I would even take simply a vampire-love-slave.

  3. *Snorts* Life With Edward is... Perfect! I agree with you my love, we all need a break from RL. Thus why we indulge in our literary romances.

  4. le sigh......wouldn't it be glorious?????
    ps.....where is that picture of the prec from, the second one.....not the "say it outloud" one.....?

  5. @lila - he's not a slave! he's just... devoted... and selfless... and attentive...

    : )

  6. Girl, you just head the nail on the head!

    You've finally figured out why women our age love Edward!! I never thought of it that way.

    Well done. Well done.

  7. STY your post hit the mark!

    What's not to love?!

    Edward is simply perfect. *sigh*

  8. Such a perfect post.

    *Sighs dreamily and the thought of having Edward for a week....or eternity*

    xo J

  9. Like Jen, I'm sighing dreamily...

    I too wonder why the gen pub thinks the Twiverse is all about 16 year olds. If they knew anything about Edward they'd know exactly why there are plenty of real women who drool over him regularly!

    In my Edward-world, he would be sitting here next to me right now massaging my *ahem* feet, laughing at the comments on the Twitarded blog and suggesting I make lots of rude comments to make you all jealous of my sparkly vampire boyf...

  10. *sigh* Yup, that's what I'd like too.

    He'd have really come in handy while packing to move this week. Can you imagine? He'd probably say, "oh don't worry about this stuff. Take what's important to you and I'll buy you new stuff for the house. We'll donate the rest. Oh and I'll also get Alice to decorate the place."

  11. Liking the shoes Arizona - red shoes rock!

    Hell yeah to everything you say. But right now, the best thing Edward could do for me is to rip the fucking faces off every annoying dumbass work colleague/customer who is taking a giant crap over my sucky day.

    But you know what? If we had Edward, we wouldn't even have to work cause he's freakin loaded! Life would be one long Isle Esme (minus the pillow biting and the "oh no I can't, I might hurt you". Goddammit man, I WANT you to hurt me!)

    BTW, Stephenie Meyer did realise what 'pillow biter' is slang for, right???? Hmm, probably not, I'm guessing you don't get many gay Mormons.

  12. I seriously NEED Edward. I would never have to take NJ Transit again!! And I'd get to work in like 20 minutes. Sure, it would suck in the winter and stuff but I'll manage.

  13. Yes, yes and HELL YEA to all of the above.

    My personal favorite however is that "professional blow-out" of which you speak.
    Have you seen robwards hair lately? While I personally love the 'freshly tossed in the sack' look he often sports, I'm not sure it quite qualifies him to be styling anyone else's hair. Although, this is your fantasy, and maybe he attended Barbizon in the 80's.

  14. *Sighs* he would do lunch boxes, empty the dishwasher, ironing, school run, laundry, homework, taxi service with a slight twist......

    Runs to Forks right now....


  15. LOL - if you had Edward you would still go to work??

    He's rich! And hot!

    I don't know about any of you, but I'd spend all our time fucking and traveling.

  16. @Rob's Bitch - good point - lol!!

    @toefunny - yup - it's my fantasy and apparently i'm going all "shampoo" with it... i want it all! and have frizz issues in the summer. blech.

    @mrs. moo - thanks! i looove those shoes - they are comfy for heels (just not all-day-long comfy) and i'm six feet tall in them. they're my gtf outta my way!" shoes! : )

    @i heart fifty - i would be so shocked if i went to any child-friendly twi events! seriously. and not in a good way!

  17. Dude, I want Alice to pick out my clothes too! How weird! That is a standard in fanfic, isn't it. I would put a question mark there, but it wasn't really a question.

    So the clothes-picking bff, the cooking etc by Edward and totally the "other" by Edward too. I'd really just settle for other, to be honest.

    <3 you Snark and sorry about rl shizz. You need a vacay! In Foooooorrrrks! Soon enough!

    PS I've always wondered who cleaned all the windows at the Cullen manse. Cause they kind of have to be self-sustaining, right? Unless there's a vampire maid service Steph never mentioned. Alrighty then. Laters!

    PPS I would also totes not work. Well, or do something really cool like be a writer or restore artwork or something. Or just travelling. Well said , Rob's Bitch.

  18. mmm, sounds like a dream come true.

    i love how edward watched you sleep for hours, so perfect.

    swoon is right.

    great post!

  19. Its 90 freaking degrees and 100% humidity where I am - and NO A/C, but I'm still laughin' at your E. fantasies.

    Two for me: Taylor, and never having to pack anything ever again, no matter where we go - timbucktu or the corner for coffee.

    Ahhhhh - xx

  20. Me too, me too! Oh Sty, can't I have him just once a week, please??

    You cracked me up with this post, and I needed that, thanks babe!

  21. And also (if I may) - If I am impregnated by Edward, it's a super short pregnancy and a three day recovery time after I give birth until I'm back to f**king Edward. Granted, supposedly a horrible pregnancy and three day burn in hell, but still.

    And then! I have a child who, from the start, can't nurse, grows extremely quickly - imagine potty training! - and, from all reports, is never a pain in the ass. Oh, and sleeps all night, from the start, again, so that I can maximize the time I get to f**k Edward. Oh, and she's immortal too. Somehow. Oh, and I'm immortal too. So I get forever to f**k Edward. Have I mentioned f**king Edward yet? Yea.

    How is the Twilight saga in any way for young adults? Kisses!

  22. That was great! I think we are living parallel lives because I decided to wear new cute shoes today and my feet are killing me today. Did I mention I don't have a car and have to walk EVERYWHERE?!

    Thanks for giving me something to daydream about. Aaahhhh, life with Edward Cullen.

  23. All I have to say is....those Rob pics....ungh!

  24. Um...Sharing Is Caring, Snarky. Just sayin'.

  25. So I'm just about ready to lose my shit with a co-worker, when I plop at my desk and think, "Fuck it, I'm gonna check the blogs." Then I see this totes awesomesauce post from STY (not to mention the panty melting pix) and suddenly, my day isn't so bad. *deep breath, exhale slowly*

    Thanks, STY! I needed that.

  26. If I woke up to that face staring at me from the other pillow, I'd never get out of fucking bed. But I guess I really wouldn't have to now would I... My Edward would service me in every way possible because he's awesome like that.

    Oh and btw... when I scroll down to post a comment and I see that there's 482 days until Breaking Dawn, it makes me dry heave a little bit. That's a long long time away.....

  27. I'm with you, although I would quit my job if I had Edward. Who needs to work? I'm with the other ladies who say: he's rich! He wants to spoil me? Go right ahead, baby.

    And YES I want Alice to do all my shopping, too. This goes right along with my fantasy of being on What Not to Wear and getting $5000 of free clothes and a makeover. Love it.

    AMEN, Sistah Snark!

  28. It's so true. Plus he's loaded so you could quit the soul-sucking job and do something you enjoyed. And get turned into a vamp like him - gorgeous, never aging, never needing to work out. It's the perfect over-30 woman's fantasy. Sigh.

  29. Addicted2TwilightJuly 23, 2010 at 5:58 PM

    Oh how wonderful it is!!!

    My advice to you, lay out your clothes the night before. I know, you're mom did it when you were a kid, but it really saves time. I also make my lunch the night before so I can run out the door!

    Have a wonderful weekend!

  30. @Addicted2Twilight - i might do that but when i wake up in the morning, i'm going to pretend edward did it for me, ok??? ; )

    @musing bella - i LURV what not to wear!! i am bummed that it hasn't been on lately... every time i put on something frumpy or old or where i am pretending i don't see the little stain or the frayed hem, i hear stacy and clinton tsk-ing at me over my shoulder. and every time i see jenny jerkface in a little low-cut number, i hear "that's a lot of tit for daytime" - lol! I'll nominate you if you nominate me!!

    : )

    @penelope - when you put it THAT way, it's almost enough to make me consider getting knocked up - lol! as long as everything went JUST the way you describe (breaking dawn minus all the bad shit). p.s. i wonder who cleans up after the cullens, too! of course, they say 99% of dust is human dander, AND vampire probably don't leave fingerprints or snotty smudges on glass surfaces, so i imagine their needs are pretty low in that department. plus their clothes probably smell better they take them off than they did when they put them on! ha...

  31. HOnestly, one of the best parts would be Alice picking out the clothes, but I'd have her do my hair too, not Edward! I am somewhat fashion retarded - I tend to keep clothes until I cannot wear them anymore because I am a) too fat or b) they have holes. It's a problem.

    Alice, I need you!

    And Edward, of course, for the quick traffic-free rides and the earth shattering sex. Of course.

  32. STY - Ha!Love this post. "Bathe; Edward washes my hair and gives me a professional blow-out because he's Edward and that's the way he rolls (and the vampire scalp massage? To. Die. For.)." And Alice, definitely need Alice. And some of us have kids, so Edward would drive my daughter all over creation for me. Adore those Rob pics too. Mmmm.

  33. Addicted2TwilightJuly 24, 2010 at 1:05 AM

    @Snarky...LOVE IT!!


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