Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Driving Lessons by Latchkey Wife

I can't even believe I'm going to actually complain about my commute [Note from JJ: Neither can I, you asshole]. Commuting in Maine is a fucking joke. The only traffic problem I hit on my way to or from work is an omigod I have to slow down to 67 mph from 75 mph because some dimwit going slower than me pulled into the passing lane. I rarely encounter traffic jams but yet, my road rage is strong. Why? I have no idea. I just tend to get pissed off in like .6 seconds if one person does something stupid. It's never me... I never do anything stupid on the road.

So let's just go over some of the shit that boils my blood. I mean really boils it. To the point I wished someone would mount a Gatling gun on the front of my car so I can blow the next person who pisses me off to fucking smithereens.

Don't fucking mess with me. My husbands builds these motherfuckers. Just sayin.

The Yield Sign:
Let's consult the dictionary for the definition of "yield." In a nutshell it means "give way to." This means when I'm hurtling down the highway at 75 miles per hour, and you're trying to get onto said highway, you know that nice little red and white triangular sign you see? It means I have the right of way, not you, asshole. It means you slow down, not me. Now I'm not a total bitch. If I see you coming and the passing lane is empty, I'll pull over for you. But only if it looks like you're going to yield. If you're just barreling along with no regard to me, fuck you dude --you running out of lane is not my problem. I'll run you off the fucking road. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Learn the difference between Yield and Merge... it could save your life.

Cell Phones:
Unfortunately, it's not illegal (yet) to talk or text on cell phones while driving in Maine. It should be. Most people around here can barely drive without that distraction. But seriously, if you can't continue at the same fucking speed while you're talking on the phone, get off the fucking phone. If I'm driving along in the passing lane behind some person who all of the sudden slows down to under the speed limit, I know they're on their phone. And then I crawl right up on their ass, but they're so entrenched in their conversation, they don't even notice me. I want to ram my car right into the back of them to announce my presence. Is that wrong? I think I'd make my point.


Cop Speed:
Newsflash people, if you're driving the speed limit when you pass a cop, you're not going to get pulled over. Nothing slows down traffic on the Maine Turnpike like the presence of a state trooper. It's like total panic sets in and everyone slows down to 50 miles per hour. Ri-fucking-diculous! One minute, you're cruising along and the next, the break lights are flashing all over the place and every single car traveling in the passing lane tries to squeeze into the slower lane. I'm pretty sure that the state troopers in Maine like to purposely drive in the left lane just to freak people out. No one dares to pass them. Not me. Fuck that shit. I ain't afraid of the fuzz! Oh and when a cop has someone pulled over on the side of the road? HE'S BUSY! You don't have to slow down to twenty miles an hour as you drive by.

And no, this isn't me pulled over. Like I said, I'm a good driver... just angry.

I think most of my road rage stems from really not liking to drive. And maybe the fact that I stupidly expect more out of people on the road. It's probably a very good thing that I don't live somewhere like New York or New Jersey. Drivers just scare me shitless in those states. If I won the lottery, the first thing I'd do is hire a driver. And then I'd make him drive me around all over the country stalking RPattz. Sorry... I'm a gazillionaire, I'll do what I want.

Huh? Did you just say Latchkey Wife won the lottery and her hobby will be stalking me? I am fucked.

What makes you go from Bruce Banner to the Incredible Hulk on your daily commute?

44 comments:

  1. Lookey-loo traffic fucking pisses me off. It's just a fuckin' stalled car you dip shits, move along....that is all.

    xo J

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  2. I live in Houston, TX...home of RIDICULOUS traffic and record setting road rage. However, I am a delightful driver that allows people to move over in front of me from other lanes, even when I am running late and sleep-deprived. I wave others ahead at four way stops because your life is, I'm sure, at least as important as mine. In addition...if you get a flat tire, I will be pulling over to help you immediately seeing as you must be a nice person and everyone deserves some assistance from time to time.

    If you believe that...you've been smoking crack!

    What I don't like about driving? The fact that all the other drivers in Htown haven't yet figured out that these roads belong to ME and they should be getting out of my way, thank you very much.

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  3. I don't drive but there are still quite a few "Hulk" moments on my commute.

    First off - Drivers. Do you see that weird little icon thingy by the stop light? You know, the one that looks vaguely like a stick figure? Sometimes he's hunched over, sometimes he has a walking stick, sometimes he's white instead of yellow, or blinks but regardless, THIS MEANS THE PEDESTRIAN HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY.

    Honking at me when I'm in the middle of crossing the road does not endear me to you. I will punch your car or smack it with my purse, which is very very heavy because I'm like a fucking Sherpa and carry everything with me.

    Likewise, if you're going to make an illegal turn of any sort, don't flip off the pedestrian who now has to flee for her life to avoid getting smushed by your car. YOU'RE the asshole, not me. And I wrote down your license plate and may or may not have reported you to the cops.

    Calling me fat, skinny, ugly, hot, a whore, a prude, whatever out the window is not interesting. First of all, I am almost always wearing headphones so you look fucking stupid flapping your lips at me. Secondly, I don't care. Save your energy and focus on not murdering your fellow drivers. Besides, does anyone make a connection when one person is hurtling by at 60 mph and the other is plodding along on a sidewalk?? No.

    I don't trust drivers in New Jersey when I'm in their cars, much less when I'm walking unprotected in the streets. I can't tell you how many times I've had to scurry across an intersection because someone disobeys the traffic laws. And the laws of courtesy.

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  4. Ditto and amen to everything you said, LKW. My angriest peeve is people slowing down when there's a cop anywhere within sight (esp. if I can't get around them). The SLOWEST I drive is about 5 over the limit whether a cop is there or not. I've passed cops on the highway and been shocked that not one other person has the guts to do the same. And guess what people? Not once have I been pulled over for doing that. Not once! (Of course I just totally jinxed myself by saying that). I look back in my rear view at the V formation behind the cop, chuckle, shake my head and yell "The road is mine! All mine, suckers!! Bwuah ha ha haaa!"

    I also hate it when people know a lane is ending yet they speed up just so they can cut someone off right before the lane ends. Yes, asshole, I'm sure it's all worth it when you reach your destination 4 seconds earlier.

    Oh! And I really hate it when someone is trying to drive up my ass and when I get over to let them pass they don't go any faster. Why were you crawling up my ass then? You... you asshat!!! Gah!

    Damn, now I'm all riled up and won't be able to sleep. Thank Robward I only have a 2.5 mile commute to work each day.

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  5. The thing that drives me absolutelly batshit crazy is when there's a whole line of cars waiting to take an exit or whatever, and then some self-righteous idiot thinks he's (it's always a he) too good to wait in the long line and tries to bypass everyone else and cut in front at the last minute. I swear, I'd use a torpedo launcher if I had one.

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  6. I lived in Hawaii for a few years... people driving STRAIGHT used to stop for people turning LEFT IN FRONT OF THEM!!! Holy fucking SHIT! That has got to be the most dangerous thing EVA!!! I'm driving down the street... not stop sign, no yield sign and WTF!!! WHY ARE YOU STOPPING brudda! Oh yeah... it's island time... no one has to be anywhere, right??? NO you dumb SHIT! I still have to drive to damn work every morning and you stopping in the middle of the road to let some numb-nut turn in front of you IS NOT HELPING!!!

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  7. Psh...Commute? I have no commute. I really am a nice driver...in town. Once I get on the freeway though...

    You are RIGHT THE FUCK ON about yield signs. The yield sign sitch pisses me off to NO.END. I will lay on my horn while I do not slow down because you are a cunt flap on your phone (illegal in Oregon) with sunglasses that make you look like The Fly.

    I HATE PEOPLE WHO DRIVE WITH THEIR TURN SIGNALS ON!! Can't you HEAR that, queef queen? That clicking noise? THAT'S YOUR BLINKER. *forehead to steering wheel* I hate it.

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  8. People here are so fucking stupid that they have to stop before they turn right. And when they turn left, the arrow has to be green for at least 5 seconds before some brave soul ventures across the intersection. They turn like it hurts here. If I drove a tank, it really would hurt. I bet I could smash up a shitload of cars and trucks before anyone had the balls (or firepower) to stop me!

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  9. Good Lord, you wouldn't last a minute on Long Island. Yield - that means "prepare for body damage"...the rule is if my bumper is ahead of yours, your job is to slow down and let me in. Not saying we're not all douche bags, cause we are, but different strokes for different folks, and in my neck of the woods, driver courtesy is an oxymoron. Just check out any construction...the close lane means you stay in there until the last safety cone forces you over into the prick that wont let you in, but eventually does because you threaten to dent his Benz with your crapwagon.

    JJ - if you are crossing the street, better be light on your feet cause 5,000 lbs of metal and plastic beats your keister any day. And you should unplug to hear my cat-calls, because mine are rather endearing and flattering. You'd feel really good about yourself cause I know how to speak to a lady at 55mph while endangering her life.

    As for the cops, I'll overrule your suggestion. Yeah, the one that has some dude pulled over is busy, but where there are 1, there are 3. So you best slow down. I have more points on my license than Tiger Woods has mistresses, so trust me, I know. Just know this, even laser guns are only calibrated to + or - 5mph, so always fight the ticket. 5Mph can mean the diff of 2 pts and 300 bucks in some states.

    My only complaint about other drivers - bitches daydreaming about RPattz instead of paying attention to me cutting them off! Jeez, get Jacob's 18-pack abs out of your head and focus!

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  10. Dear, dear LKW, we were cut from the same cloth. Agree 100%. However, I do not understand living in Maine - that seems like an oxymoron to me. How do you drive when there's snow/ice everywhere?

    @CF4LIFE, as always, you make me laugh! However, you underestimate women. We can multitask - I'm probably daydreaming about RPattz AND about Jacob's abs, fantasizing about whatever ff story I'm reading, talking on (speaker) phone, making a mental grocery list, and racking my brain to figure out what to make for dinner... all while driving. No idea why they say men are better drivers. :)

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  11. still looking for my vampSeptember 7, 2010 at 11:02 PM

    At the risk of being thrown out the window on freeway, I don't have a commute. The only thing I have to do at 7:20am is get my kid to school, which is about 3 miles away. I then come home and slave away in my office for the day. A shower is optional.

    But in those three miles, I can go from "I need fucking coffee" to "I need a fucking traquilizer" in about 4 seconds flat. I HATE when people don't take a yellow turn signal. Call me a criminal, but because of their sugar sweet ways, I am stuck through another round of lights. And I also hate when another driver waits for a fucking written invitation while making a left hand turn. Seriously, what are they waiting for? The second coming of Christ???

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  12. @XKR - ok, so you ladies can multi-task. I will never understand that, as a low cut shirt has resulting in an accident or two.

    You know the people who are REALLY lucky. Those who don't have to drive, and can take safe, reliable, cheap and timely transportation like New Jersey Transit. Those people have it made!!!

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  13. I have a 80 mile commute daily. Most of it is open highway, which isn't bad until I hit city limits. Then I'm stuck with all the other dick wads on the road. Luckily I don't drive often and my hubby does all the driving and I sleep avoiding all the idiots on the road.

    But my pain in the ass is this new trend here, traffic circles they are putting them everywhere and no one knows how to use them. Fuck me people won't yeild to enter in them. They just come barreling in, or try to. I'm such a bitch I ain't gonna stop in the middle of the circle to let them in nooo freaking way, I'll honk and wag a finger at them or flip them the bird.

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  14. @red bella - Aaah, the traffic circle... or as they're called here - the rotary. No one has any idea what to do with them. It causes more trouble where I think the idea was to keep traffic flowing smoothly. Geez...

    @CF4L - JSYK, you're driving skills (or lack there of) would have me pulled over on the shoulder, rocking in my driver's seat while sobbing uncontrollably. You people scare me.

    Oh and another thing that burns my ass? People who don't take right turn on red (which is allowed in Maine) when the opportunity presents itself. Makes me fucking homicidal.

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  15. I have no patience for stupid drivers or small talk at first thing in the morning, so I ride public transit. It still sucks, but I can read or listen to music, or close my eyes for a few blessed extra minutes of sleep.

    On the highway here I find that any accident or car pulled over causes a massive back-up that virtually disappears the moment you pass. What the hell happened to the 50 cars that were just in front of me? Hmm, they vanished into thin air.

    And in the city, if an intersection isn't clearly delineated into left/straight/right lanes all the stupid fuckers here just hang in the middle, no matter which way they are going. Drives me mental to have to sit behind some left turning car when I want to turn right. Move over!

    And don't get me started on roundabouts/rotaries. I know they work, I've seen it plenty of times, but here? Nope. People just can't figure it out. I avoid the one here like the plague because of the other drivers.

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  16. The road rage runs hot in my blood on a daily basis. My biggest gripe is BLINKERS. They're in your car for a reason, fucking USE them! gah! Example A: When you're driving down a street behind someone and they start braking and pulling over to the right, one would ASSUME, since they're not using their blinker, that they are planning on parking or pulling in somewhere on the right side of the road. So I start to drive around them because I ASSUME they're stopping. WRONG. They then whip around to the LEFT because apparently their Ford Escape has wider fucking turn radius then an 18 wheeler! Next time I will fucking T-bone your ass. Just sayin. Coincidentally this happened to me yesterday. I proceeded to yell various profanities in their direction such as, cunt bag and ass face. This all could have been avoided if they used their fuckin blinkers.

    Another big gripe I have is ass riding. I drive a standard so my most favorite thing to do when this happens to me is to downshift heheheh. I love watching the ass rider in my rearview mirror after I do that. They usually yell, wave their arms around, and/or slam their hands on the steering wheel. It's quite entertaining : )

    It's very rare that I don't get a case of the rage while commuting everyday. Good post LKW : ) xoxo

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  17. I, Like LKW Hate drivers who can't drive. I taught drivers-ed for 3 years,(worst job ever)-and now have a 15 year old who scares the beJebus out of me-has almost killed us twice..LOOK OUT FOR NEW DRIVERS-and be very cautious around them they can and will CRASH...SHIT...UP.
    My biggest pet-peeve is the ADOLESCENT diver who is reclined in his seat so fucking far back , you think the car is driving itself..untill you pull up next to it and your heart and head start to pound cause the bass is so fucking loud that your windows start to vibrate and you feel like your on the fucking Space shuttle.I seriously thought I saw a car driving itself the other day.
    And 2. Old people.. let me just say, I respect your right to drive GRANDPA, but if I can't get by your 30 mile an hour old wrinkly ass, and I'm doing that side to side sway on your ass PULL THE FUCK OVER. I don't mind driving, I actually am always the one who drives, and am a pretty good driver(NO accidents yet)..They don't call me Mario for nothing. Oh and one more thing...If you see me comming in your rear view mirror,(I'll be the one doing 90) PULL THE FUCK OVER and let me by, and we will all be much happier people..

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  18. My FB status recently read, "Beth would like to remind the good people of the Commonwealth that a 'yield' sign does not guarantee your automatic admission to the highway at your present rate of speed. If there is traffic, you may, in fact, have to - oh, I don't know - YIELD to said traffic until such time that there is adequate space for your vehicle to enter at a safe speed. Idiots!" So I abso-fucking-lutely agree with what you wrote about the yield sign (and everything else, for that matter)! PA is overrun with twat-waffle drivers...and I'm originally from MD (they are overpopulated by fucktard drivers).

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  19. I live in Houston, home to suck ass drivers united. If it so much as spits a few rain drops from the sky, then you better just add an extra 30 minutes to your commute. These idiots FREAK THE HELL OUT. They don't use blinkers. I hate that. USE THE DAMN BLINKER!! But, I kind of know why they don't use their blinker. Because when you use your blinker to signal that you need to safely change lanes here, the asshole in the next lane SPEEDS UP!! WTF?!!!

    I'm glad there won't be traffic in Forks or else we may all walk around in rage for 4 days.

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  20. I have a 70 mile commute daily, almost all highway. I HATE the slow driver in the fast lane. Move the fuck over already or I'll crawl further up your ass!!

    @Double_Dippin The 'roundabout' as they are called here are the new 'in thing' with the DOT. They are cropping up everywhere and are the circle of death.

    w/v premeth - my neighbors garage was intact premeth, until the son blew it up (we are just nosy neighbors speculating he was running a methlab)

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  21. I hate my commute. It's all congested highway and a million traffic lights. I TRY to be all zen-like and not freak out - you know, just pick a lane and stick with it, don't race around like a nut-ball, but some days i don't do so well and i am definitely NOT zen-like - more like demonic - lol! Eh - it's a work in progress. like the rest of me.

    : )

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  22. As I am in the UK and living in the country my commute involves a very sedate 20 minute drive along very quiet lanes. I occasionally get stuck behind a tractor. Sometimes a herd of cows. Only the other day I had to overtake a cyclist. Sorry LKW.

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  23. I started writing my list of grievances and man, there a lot. I am convinced 99% people on the road have no business being there. But I came to the conclusion that most of complaints come down to this.

    I don't understand the overall lack of respect on the road. I don't know what happens to people when they get behind the wheel of a car but something changes. All of a sudden it's ME, ME, ME and screw everyone else.

    In face-to-face interaction we hold doors open for people. We don't race people to a store entrance so we can get there first. We don't walk so close to the person in front of us that it leaves no space between us so that no one coming up from the side will get in between us. We don't tailgate someone's arse if they're walking too slow, we pass them. But put a set a car keys in our hand, sit us behind the wheel and suddenly this arsehole behaviour is totally acceptable.

    Imagine if we all started behaving this way while bebopping around the office or grocery store or mall?? I dunno, it baffles me.

    I also wonder why the slimeball dude in the date-rape-mobile thinks it's a great idea to yell out "Ooh baby!" from his car window while stopped at the light, but you know would never have the balls to do so if he were standing on the street corner. I guess cars give people balls, big fat, hairy, arsehole balls. Ok, that doesn't make any sense and now I have a visual of arsehole balls in my head and it's really grossing me out. But hopefully you catch my drift.

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  24. LKW, as a fellow Mainer, I was howling reading this!!!!! Yield vs. merge, passing the cop, the cell phone driver. Actually I did that pass-the-trooper thing recently with my 23 year old son in the car who couldn't believe I was doing it. I got off at the Yarmouth exit and the assaholic trooper pulled up, hovering right next to me, obviously eyeballing me, but I refused to look over. Fucker. I was going less than the speed limit when I passed him. What was he going to do, really?

    Ha! I'm getting a case of road rage just in the re-telling!

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  25. Those dumb bastards that drive in a trance, under the speed limit (criminal in itself), and then suddenly SNAP out of it and speed up when you pull up to pass their ass.

    Oh, and that jerk riding your ass when you aren't going fast enough in the left lane...yeah, I married him. Sorry.

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  26. Oh, and ANOTHER thing! I HATE HATE HATE the loser who dilly dallies their way through a left turn signal, totally ruining it for the cars behind them that were perfectly entitled to make it through that sequence. CLOSE THE GAP fucker!

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  27. AHHH.. road rage. My daily commute companion. Nothing gets you the evil eye glare in your rearview mirror quicker than to drive like you're in a effin parade in the far left "passing" lane. Texans don't know that there is a passing lane. You drive in the left lane unless your car is breaking down on the highway and are forced to pull over. And let's not even start if you are chattin it up on your phone or texting. We are home to capital punishment, concealed handguns, and love the NRA. Watch that I don't pull out a double barrel shotgun on your ass. But, even I have sympathy for you guys in Houston. Dallas is nuts but Houston is RIDICULOUS. Agreed!!!
    (Also note to all you visiting... for all things holy, pray it doesn't sleet or snow. really. It turns into the apocalypse.)

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  28. Oh and also for you visitors (especially from the NE), don't honk in Texas. We don't honk here. I mean the laying on the horn like a freight train semi honkin'. If we HAVE TO, we do the friendly "beep beep" to wake up your ass. Even then, I'm even scared to do more. There really are some crazy effers here that will pull a gun. Not kidding. Just a warning.

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  29. I live on Long Island, traffic is absolutely TERRIBLE all the time. That being said my daily commute it short. I live less than 5 miles to work. I actually take a longer route to work just to avoid high traffic areas that make me ANGRY! I have the worst road rage out of anyone I know, I scream, I curse, I lay, and I mean LAY on the horn if you fuck with me. I hate being cut off and I hate when I have the right of way at a stop sign but you think you are all high and mighty so you just pause. Its my turn bitch and don't think I won't hit you with my truck cause its got grill guards and I am not afraid to use it!

    Yesterday was the first day of school, and my first day back at work (I'm a teacher) on my very own street a woman was photographing her child on the school bus for ten fucking minutes, with the stop sign out. I was very tempted to scream at the bus driver, put your stop sign away and let the bitch photograph her child and let me pass! I was angry.

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  30. I hate people who try to get through the last seconds of a light change and then have their ass sticking out into the intersection so that nobody can get by.....that and Morrills Corner.

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  31. Well hello @Anon... fellow Mainer! Morrill's corner kills me - as does Woodford's at rush hour, especially when there's a train. Luckily I can avoid those areas like the plague!!

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  32. Since LKW if my co-pilot out to Forks I am a little nervous how she will be critiquing my driving now. **biting nails**

    My bigges fucking pet peeve du jour is this: I am driving down a two lane residential road. On the other side of the road the garbage truck is stopped and picking up a trash can, there is a car coming up behine the garbage truck, instead of waiting until I pass in my lane that is not obstructed, said car swerves into my lane to get around the garbage truck and is suddenly staring me down head on so that I have to slam my brakes on and stop. WTF!!!!!????? If there is something blocking your lane and you want to pass you need to fucking wait until the other lane is clear people!!! Fucking self-entitled, world revolves around them fuckers. This happens to me weekly BTW.

    BTW, Mr. Vit R and I have decided Audis are the new driver asshole car...replacing the BMW (sorry @Kitty_Elvis YOU are not an asshole). If you have an Audi I am sorry, but our highly scientific FamiliaVitR observations have proven 9/10...Audi driver=asshole driver.

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  33. Kiddos, do not even get me STARTED on DC commuting. Whether you take the metro, or actually have the balls to drive in DC traffic, you are FUCKING SCREWED. I tend to look at it as commuter rage, now, not just road rage.

    DC traffic is notoriously terrible - the beltway at rush hour is like the African savannah - a motherfucking free for all where drivers would as soon shank an infant as let you in their lane. More often than not it's just a parking lot, so good luck. DC proper is full of traffic-circle clusterfucks - thanks, L'Enfant! Those diagonal state-named streets sure are "cute." Bitch.

    As far as the perils of being a public transit commuter, I direct you to unsuckdcmetro.blogspot.com. Nuff said.

    You see, we have certain rules for commuting here on the DC metro. On escalators, one stands on the right and walks on the left. You do not stand on the left, talking and wondering why a bevy of angry commuters are collecting behind you, shooting dirty looks your way as you obliviously chat about the weather. (see howtouseanescalatorindc.com) Seriously, do so at the peril of your own life. You patiently wait for others to exit the car before you barrel through the doors, eager to grab the first seat you see. You do not sit on the outside seat, preventing standing patrons from accessing the inside seat. If you do this, I WILL call you out, and so help me if my giganto-purse hits you in the face as I squeeze by your selfish, lazy ass. And please, by all means, bring your strollers despite all the signage indicating that they are not acceptable on the metro. They meant everyone BUT you.

    Finally, once you make it through the commuting jungle, there's still the walk to work to deal with - for this, I recommend hollabackdc.wordpress.com, a sobering chronicle of all the crazy street harassment that goes on in my city.

    Don't get me wrong, I love DC like nothing else and will defend it from haters, but commuting here is like the seventh circle of hell.

    I like to think that all the politicians who get chaufferred around and get to stop traffic with their motorcades have to spend the eternity of the afterlife wedged between unshowered commuters on a metro car stuck in a tunnel between stations. You have never known such claustrophobia.

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  34. All of your comments are making me almost thankful I walk and take the train.

    And then I read @Foooorkspimps comment and HAD to respond.

    When I did drive, I had the most fucking hellish commute to work. I worked 12 miles from my house and it took me an hour. Each way.

    Before I say this, take into consideration that I am from New Jersey and we are considered the worst drivers in the country.

    Driving around DC FUCKING BLOWS NUTS. I've driven in Manhattan (mild panic attack), Boston (full blown panic attack with possible bowel movement) but DC fucking murdered me. I actually had to pull over because I seriously thought I was going to kill someone or vice versa.

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  35. JJ!!! I am delighted that you can appreciate the hell that I go through every morning and every evening. :) Or rather, not delighted, but I'm glad you know what's up.

    I work exactly six miles away from my house. Six. And the drive can take anywhere from twenty to, at the absolute worst, ninety minutes based on traffic/events/a portal to hell opening in the middle of Rhode Island Avenue. I normally take the metro, but I've been known to drive in desperate situations. On one occasion, I had a hellish trip home in the evening - twenty minutes just sitting in Logan Circle (AGAIN WITH THE CIRCLES) and I had to drive in again the next morning. At one point I was actually reduced to tears, slamming the steering wheel and sobbing "Why, why?!?!" futilely at the sky. Literally. I actually did this.

    The good news is, I'm pretty sure I can take just about anything now. I used to be a good driver, careful. (Read this in Jacob's "I used to be a good kid" voice) Always used my turn signals. Obeyed the law like a good kid. But DC has turned me into a driving monster of epic proportions. I am no longer hesitant to use my horn. OH, hell no. I lay on that motherfucker.

    But it's a jungle out here, and only the strong survive.

    Welcome to our nation's capital! :-D

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  36. Kiddos, do not even get me STARTED on DC commuting. Whether you take the metro, or actually have the balls to drive in DC traffic, you are FUCKING SCREWED. I tend to look at it as commuter rage, now, not just road rage.

    DC traffic is notoriously terrible - the beltway at rush hour is like the African savannah - a motherfucking free for all where drivers would as soon shank an infant as let you in their lane. More often than not it's just a parking lot, so good luck. DC proper is full of traffic-circle clusterfucks - thanks, L'Enfant! Those diagonal state-named streets sure are "cute." Bitch.

    As far as the perils of being a public transit commuter, I direct you to unsuckdcmetro.blogspot.com. Nuff said.

    You see, we have certain rules for commuting here on the DC metro. On escalators, one stands on the right and walks on the left. You do not stand on the left, talking and wondering why a bevy of angry commuters are collecting behind you, shooting dirty looks your way as you obliviously chat about the weather. (see howtouseanescalatorindc.com) Seriously, do so at the peril of your own life. You patiently wait for others to exit the car before you barrel through the doors, eager to grab the first seat you see. You do not sit on the outside seat, preventing standing patrons from accessing the inside seat. If you do this, I WILL call you out, and so help me if my giganto-purse hits you in the face as I squeeze by your selfish, lazy ass. And please, by all means, bring your strollers despite all the signage indicating that they are not acceptable on the metro. They meant everyone BUT you.

    Finally, once you make it through the commuting jungle, there's still the walk to work to deal with - for this, I recommend hollabackdc.wordpress.com, a sobering chronicle of all the crazy street harassment that goes on in my city.

    Don't get me wrong, I love DC like nothing else and will defend it from haters, but commuting here is like the seventh circle of hell.

    I like to think that all the politicians who get chaufferred around and get to stop traffic with their motorcades have to spend the eternity of the afterlife wedged between unshowered commuters on a metro car stuck in a tunnel between stations. You have never known such claustrophobia.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I hate my commute. It's all congested highway and a million traffic lights. I TRY to be all zen-like and not freak out - you know, just pick a lane and stick with it, don't race around like a nut-ball, but some days i don't do so well and i am definitely NOT zen-like - more like demonic - lol! Eh - it's a work in progress. like the rest of me.

    : )

    ReplyDelete
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