Sunday, September 5, 2010

Guys vs. Gals - The Porn Off

The other day ML and I were in the car driving to my Grandmother's house. Normally, I bring a book or something else to occupy my attention but the visit was sort of impromptu so I was left with only my cell phone to distract me from the fact that I was hurtling down a highway in a giant metal object that could potentially crash into all the other large metal objects that were speeding mere feet away from us, leaving me maimed and possibly with a colostomy bag.

I'll deal with delays and assholes and take the fucking train, thanks.

I don't like being in cars. I used to love cars but I haven't driven an automobile in almost four years and it's rare that I actually end up in one. When I am forced to get into one of those deathtraps, I end up clutching the "oh shit" handle or stomping on the invisible brake that does not exist on the passenger seat floor.

The latter makes Snarkier Than You go fucking off-the-wall ballistic. She always says, "It's not over theeeeeeere" in a menacingly sing-songy voice when I do it. And then she stomps on the gas pedal.

I can't wait to be in a car with her for three hours when we drive from Seattle to Forks.

Me and STY on the way to Foooooooorks.

Anyway.

So, ML and I were in the car and I had my nose buried in my phone and he decides to strike up a conversation.

ML - Whatcha reading?
Me - Porn.
ML - Reeeeeally? (Probably envisioning tits and ass and money shots) What are they doing?
Me - Having dinner.
ML - What??
Me - (rolls eyes) Dinner. They're having it.

ML snorts and mutters something about "women porn" and returns his attention to taking sharp turns at 60 M.P.H in a vain attempt to give me a fucking heart attack.

But the thing is, he's right--it IS women porn. There is a big difference, for the most part, between the smut men and women prefer to consume.

Seriously, ask any guy what his favorite type of porn is, and I guarantee you he'll respond with movie or picture smut. Fuck dialogue or plot, just give them the pussy. Most dudes are simple like that.

Dudes can't resist a wet pussy.

Ask a woman, on the other hand, and she'll most likely respond with written erotica. You know, something with a little substance, where the characters have personalities and the story has a semblance of a plot.

I've gotten more turned on by a 5,000 word one-shot or even a simple photograph than I ever have watching a regular old porno flick. There's just something about watching some guy stick his fiddlestick in every orifice he can possibly find on a girl before spooging his love custard all over her face that just...doesn't get me going.

Simple, yet totally fucking erotic. (From Lemon Cake)

Nom, nom, nom...

But that's just me--I want my smut to woo me a little. Don't you?

32 comments:

  1. And how..I totally agree with you, but men are creatures of habbit. Picture caveman dragging cavewoman off with literally no foreplay action..a wam bam not even a thank you mam..pitty poor cavewoman. Over time however, woman have come to demand a little more expertise in wanting to be desired and woowed and taken to the next level..Some men have adapted, somevery well, others need help, and it's up to us to TRAIN them. Ahhh if only we could all ahve a MOTU Edward the world would be a better place...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have been a porn fan since I used to babysit as a high schooler (hey, not all of us meet the man of our dreams in school. The rest of us have to work). Anyway, discovering porn mags, like Hustler, in the bathrooms of my employers was better than, well, anything I had at home to read. I still prefer written porn. Few movies have ever turned me on like FF, a o/s, even a sentence (think 50).

    My porn addiction can be constantly fed because of you, Twitarded. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Who doesn't want to be wooed? That last picture is actually more of a turn-on than the one before it to me. I just picture myself standing there with him looking at ME with that look in his eyes... (maybe in his office at the university, or at the house in Tahoe, or in the red room of pain, or in the gazebo between our backyards... a free drink in FOOORKS to the person who can name each story just referenced!).

    Excuse me, I need to be hosed off with ice water now. Not even kidding.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so with you, @XKR, about that last photo. Yum! Actually that's exactly how I picture Edward from "Darkness" by cherry.blossomz. HAWT!!

    My porn preference? Glad you asked.
    1) Erotic literature
    2) Erotic art (statues, figurines, paintings, etc)
    3) Photos (suggestive but not overt)
    4) Photos (overtly sexual)
    5) Videos (soft core)
    6) Videos (hard core)

    IMO, hardcore videos are mainly hilarious with a dash of eeew.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @My After Car Is An XKR
    in his office at the university - University of Edward Masen

    at the house in Tahoe - Tahoe Tanglings

    red room of Pain - Master of the Universe

    gazebo between our backyards - Wide Awake

    ReplyDelete
  6. That driving pic of you and STY is hilarious!!! I hope it won't come true. Oh my.

    I agree totally that a little wooing is nice and the simple things are usually the best for me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yup.. give me a little ff or a picture of Rob, Kellan, Jackson, or PFach and I will be happy for days.

    "Dinner. They're having it." How does he not know that IS porn??? LOL

    ReplyDelete
  8. I was watching a comedienne describe what she would like from a man - instead of going to a strip club and watching some guy in a thong undulate in her face, when they go to the champagne room, they sit down facing each other and he looks deeply into her eyes and he says this one line "and then what happened?" Now think about that pic of Rob and then next thing that happens is he looks deeply into your eyes and says "then what happened?" I think we all know what would happen then!!!!!! LOL Natch, there are any number of other scenarios that come to mind, but I think that one illustrates the difference between manporn and womanporn.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I do like watching porn because I think it's hilarious. To actually get my motor running, I prefer written or photo porn.

    Now if you'll excuse me...

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm sitting here reading this with my husband sitting on the other end of the couch. So I ask him "hon, whats your favorite kinda porn?" He replied "Why" with that uh-oh I'm fucking busted look. After a minute or two of convincing him that a: I will not be upset with him and b: no I don't want to watch a porn flick with you he told me that he prefers to watch porn online if he just wants to get off, but if he wants to "get in the mood" he likes to read it. So there you have it from the mouth of a red, blooded, highly, sexual male!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was actually just having a conversation about this today.
    I am in total agreement with you. No plot just doesn't get me off - that's not to say I hate visual porn....a few times a year I'll watch something (either a video a friend has linked and sometimes I just think it's fun to watch) but it just doesn't do it for me.
    I found this strange considering a sex scene in a film does get me hot and bothered and that's obviously visual. I also LOVE written erotica - since I was very young I'd read the naughty stuff and I love it.
    You're right it's the plot. Having plot makes it sexy for me. It's 'knowing' the characters...it makes it more personal.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Written & Still photography over Movies for me please!!! Before I knew of the glorious creations that is FanFiction, I filled my personal Library with books from Ellora's Cave

    http://www.jasminejade.com/default.aspx?skinid=11

    Even better is attaching a story to a picture. It's like a double whammy of HELL YA!! (our very own Hypo Vag is a master at writing O/S to go with a picture!!)

    http://robmaniporn.blogspot.com/2010/08/storytime-with-hypoallergenic-vagina.html

    ReplyDelete
  14. @TheRugbyMom - The drink is yours, along with some extra love because I've never heard of Tahoe Tanglings - I was actually thinking of Edward Wallbanger - but now I've got a new story to read. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Give me to MOTU, that's all I need. :)

    FORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKS!

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  16. As you may or may not be able to tell by my avi, Fifty Shades is (and always will be) the king of my castle.

    Back in mid-late 09, after reading the books, watching Twilight, getting the soundtrack etc - I needed a little sumthin' sumthin' extra to go with my brand new Robward fascination. I used to be a big reader of literotica.com and actually went to the site to try and find some Twilight-themed stories. At this point, I had never heard of the concept of fanfic.

    Some months later, as I continued my plunge down the rabbit hole, I came across the odd blog or three - Twitarded being one of them. I quickly fell in lurve with JJ & STY's antics (in the pre-LKW days) and read through the archives.

    I began to hear about this thing called fanfiction. Say what now? There was a little story called Clipped Wings & Inked Armour ... and that, ladies, was the beginning of the end for me.

    I could get my written p0rn, and my Robward fantasy, and keep in the Twidom ALL AT THE SAME TIME?

    And I wonder why I've never looked back. Between Hockeyward, Tattward, Profward, Sailward, Mafiaward, Slayerward and of course (the king himself) Fifty Shades - I need never watch a trashy RedTube clip ever again. And it is not a coincidence that this single gal recently purchased a new vibrator. This time with a warranty.

    Amen.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I've allllways been more into written erotica. My timeline is as follows:

    11/12 : Trashy throw-away Harlequins thanks to G-ma. "He took the silken petal of her ivory globe into his teeth and worried it to a hard peak as his velvet rod slid into her moist cavern" ...We love it as much as we hate it...

    14/15 : GOLDMINE! Nancy Friday books at a garage sale 4/$1 (My Secret Garden, Forbidden Flowers, Men In Love, and Women On Top), it was like a guy finding a box of Playboys at a garage sale for $1! It fueled me for years, and I STILL read well-worn, dog-eared pages of those books!

    18 : COLLEGE. LAPTOP. LITEROTICA! Maybe that's why my roomie and I didn't get along...She never fucking left the room so I could handle my bidnass!!

    Dec. 2009 : FANFIC. Almost 1 week after I finished reading BD for the first time, I was online looking for an anti-FTB Isle Esme. I can't believe it took me so long to get here. A full week, Lindsay?! Lazy ass.


    The reason I love erotic lit so much more is that you get bored of looking at hardcore pics and vids. It's always the same poses and moneyshots. But with lit, even if you're re-reading it, it changes because your imagination let's it change. I can read certain chapters over and over again and it works like a mutha fucking charm, even YEARS later!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think I'm in love with @Fred!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I agree. I need a bit of imagination in my porn. I think fanfic does the job so well because we already have imaginative investment in the characters, and fanfic gives us what we want: to have them fuck, so we can imagine ourselves in their places.

    I love that fanfic is basically women writing porn for women about characters that are beloved by the ladies. I love what a women's domain it is. I mean, of course it's true that a hot pic of Hottie McPattinson is far sexier than a picture of some random cock in some random vagina. The problem with the loads and loads of porn that is spluged out for the benefit of men is that it's too on the nose. For me, it titillates for about 3 minutes, and then I get a bit grossed out. It's not sexy, it's repetitive.

    An erotic story with characters you already love and think sexy thoughts about is about as good as porn gets, I'd wager. Right after that is a picture that suggests something totally fucking hot, but leaves you to imagine the details. I find myself choosing porny pictures because of the look on someone's face... it's rarely about tab A being fitted into slot B.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Okay, @June Velcro ... I had to post because I am seriously RIGHT in the middle of reading Counterpoint. I'm reading this blog because it's right in the middle of a *VERY* sad part (I think you must know what I'm talking about) of the story and I had to take an angst break.

    So what do you think about Slot B?

    Speaking of Slot B... I'm going to go out on a limb and say that my favorite video porn is "a girl's first lesbian experience". If you're into that kind of thing just Google it.

    Okay, I think I've now said way too much.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Why do you think romance is the best selling genre? Women want emotion with their sex. They want description, details, sensations. That just doesn't come across visually.

    Plus I think women like to use their imagination more and its harder to do when it's right before your eyes.

    I have to admit I've even started skipping over the sex in some of the FF - because they sound like written descriptions of some porno flick.

    But there are times when pure smut just hits the spot!

    Recces: authentic historical porn. The Romance of Lust; Intimate Memoirs of an Edwardian Dandy. No bras and thongs;corsets and petticoats.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am a total sucker for romance. I love movies and books. I gotta say I really just got into the hard core stuff when I started reading fanfiction and now it's ruined me for regular books. The sex just ain't dirty enough. I love the written word far more than some guy shooting his jizz all over the chicks tits, face or back. Frankly, that makes me dry heave a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  23. @My After Car is an XKR

    Wallbanger! Fuck it! Her updates are so irregular, I keep forgetting about Alice and her chickens!

    Actually, when you said "his house in Tahoe" the first thing that I thought of was The Ex Factor by Angela at Twilight. But I checked, and that house wasn't Tahoe - it was in Windsor, CO.

    The next fic that came to mind was Reality Minus Expectations by mjinaspen, but nope - not Tahoe - Aspen!

    So . . . I cheated. I Googled FanFiction Tahoe and that is how I found Tahoe Tanglings. I've been reading it today, and sadly, Edward does not have a house there. He's interning at a resort. So I'm total FAIL here! The story is pretty good though. It reminds me of The Ex Factor with all the characters and all the different points of view - but The Ex Factor was much better, and the lemons were much hotter [from what I've read so far.]

    I guess I owe YOU a drink instead because I'm such a CHEATER! Sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  24. That's because guys are literal creatures. When their looking to satiate their urges they go for the direct approach. The old, grab, yank and splooge. Women seek romance, a meaningful connection. That's why I love smutty fan fiction. The longer a lemony chapter, the better. We have an established plot, characters we connect with on some level and that instant electric connection explained for us in all it's detailed slendor. It gives us a where, why and how. Guys don't give a shit about that. All they care about is the old yank and splooge watching fake plastic whores moan like they mean it. Frankly, that grosses me out.

    ReplyDelete
  25. OME, I was jus having this conversation with my husband last week. He doesn't understand why reading these fanfic stories gets me all worked up. I love the build up and the romance of the story and my husband likes the naked boobs he gets in porn!

    ReplyDelete
  26. @TheRugbyMom - No apology needed! Now you've given me several recs, so maybe we can just owe each other a drink. Also - I share your frustration with Wallbanger. Such a good story, but such a tease. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  27. More importantly - what were you reading! Recommendations needed!

    ReplyDelete
  28. @Lady Spinning The Practice of Love is HOT (although not in a "sex on every page" kind of way)

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5995388/1/The_Practice_of_Love

    ReplyDelete
  29. You are so right JJ! And I have to agree with franki's porn list 100% and with LKW - written word does it for me. Fanfic is my new drug of choice - thanks to Twitarded! I am forever grateful.

    ReplyDelete
  30. You are so right JJ! And I have to agree with franki's porn list 100% and with LKW - written word does it for me. Fanfic is my new drug of choice - thanks to Twitarded! I am forever grateful.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Written & Still photography over Movies for me please!!! Before I knew of the glorious creations that is FanFiction, I filled my personal Library with books from Ellora's Cave

    http://www.jasminejade.com/default.aspx?skinid=11

    Even better is attaching a story to a picture. It's like a double whammy of HELL YA!! (our very own Hypo Vag is a master at writing O/S to go with a picture!!)

    http://robmaniporn.blogspot.com/2010/08/storytime-with-hypoallergenic-vagina.html

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!