Thursday, September 9, 2010

Robert Pattinson: Jealous of Another Man!?

Yup, just another ridiculous headline in a sea of them these days... In my demented little head, I read this as "Robert Pattinson Jealous of Latchkey Wife's Husband" but that's just me and my day dreaming. When I got a recent "google alert" for good ol' RPattz (shut up, you know you have one set up too), I just had to laugh at all the fucking drivel that's written about this poor guy. He's jealous of another man, he and Kristen have broken up and moved out of their LA love nest, he almost got squashed by an elephant, his mother-ship from whatever fucking planet of hawtness he came from landed on the set of Breaking Dawn to take him home. Seriously people? Do you have nothing better to talk about? No? Me neither... I too want to talk about the preh-tay 24-7, much to the dismay of the people around me. But you guys understand, right? Hello? Hey, where'd everybody go?

So of course I had to read the article (can I call it an article), I thought it might be fun to add my own commentary and edits to it... spin it into something I may find interesting to read. [For the interest of entertainment value, I had to leave all the grammar/spelling the way it was in the original article because obviously English is not this person's first language. Just sayin.]

Robert Pattinson Jealous of Another Man!

Robert Pattinson is in the news again. [Huh, shocker. Isn't he in the news every fucking day?] This time it is for his insecured feelings with girl friend's co star Viggo Mortensen. [Insecured? He should be - Viggo is hot in a dirty, long-haired LOTR way.] Sources say that Robert Pattinson is in a 'panic situation'. [Panic? Um, he didn't look so panicked hanging all sweaty and drunk in Texas.]

Uh, may I wash you please?

The movie, 'On the Road' directed by Walter Salles, is said to have a great number of sex scenes and a threesome intimate scene, which Kristen Stewart and the handsome Viggo Mortensen share. [Threesome with WHO? Is it RPattz? Oh pleasepleaseplease let it be RPattz!]

Robert Pattinson is feeling so insecure that he has decided to stay on the sets of this film. He has not been given any part to play in the drama. [Um, maybe Kristen keeps his around for, ahem, other services.] But, when his girlfriend is engaged in the intimate scene with Viggo Mortensen, Pattinson will mark his presence. [Mark his presence? Is he going to pee on Viggo? Because that would be gross.]

Practice makes perfect... right?

Robert Pattinson wants to make sure that these scenes will be a pretense right from the start of the film to the very end of the production. [Wha?]

In spite of Kristen Stewart telling Robert that she doesn't want him on the sets as it would be uncomfortable , he insisted that he is going to be there. [That's ridiculous! Why wouldn't she want that waiting in her trailer after a hard day's work, nekkid, tenting the sheets, ready for action? If she doesn't, I definitely do!]

The 24 year old, Robert Pattinson is free until his next filming of his Twilight series begins, so in this case he has all the time at the tip of his fingers to keep a watchful eye on girlfriend Kristen. [Excuse me? "All the time at the tip of his fingers?" What? If he's got so much free time, I could use his services here...]

Yup, these services would be nice.

Is his jealousy justified though? We all know that this British actor is a hunk and is very much desired by all women over the world, so he shouldn't pay attention to Viggo Mortensen as he is just another man and not the 2nd Robert Pattinson. [2nd Robert Pattinson? Is that anything like the 2nd coming of Christ?]
I guess my question is... has the internet become just a giant fucking cheesy tabloid? I feel bad for famous people... but I think when these morons stop writing about you, that's when you really need to start worrying! I'd totally let them have a field day with me if I got that kind of pay day in exchange. Wouldn't you?


  1. And onto our other news.........

    Well, Houston we had a problem, we fucked up with the Texan Branch of Twitarded this entire week (and yes that includes you up in Dallas as well).

    Darn him for being less than 10 minutes away from my house last night whilst I slept. And yes, I would have jumped out of bed and headed there if I had known. Darn twitter peeps with principles.

    So er back to LKW and her article.....I'd take the millions and then retire from the industry before I hit 30 with my middle finger in the air.


  2. WooHoo - I'm the 2nd to comment! (I'm easily pleased!) My comment is that I hate, hate, hate poor grammar. It makes my hair stand up on end (all the easier for pulling it out!). I admire you for being able to get through the entire thing.

  3. I saw that article ( yes I have google alert) and I thought "Really? He's insecure like that?"
    Wasnt he waiting for for Kristen for like a year before she broke up with her boyfriend ( and lest her turn 18) before anything happened. Or not depending what you read. (Really, I think shes dating Tomstu and its a cover to keep the shippers happy)
    We know of one girlfriend that we was with for like 3 years. There hasnt been any stories from other girls talking about their night(s) with Rpattz.

    Oh God, Is he the painfully shy Hot guy that doesnt know it and has to be lead by his girlfriend.
    Is he.

    I have seen the photos from Texas and hes looking a bit rough, are they sleeping on a bus? ( oh joy)

    LKW I luves you. You kill me each time you post. ( So does JJ and STY)
    Excuse me? "All the time at the tip of his fingers?" What? If he's got so much free time, I could use his services here...]

    WV:Cornilla . She used to date dated Joe Jonas?

    Have you seen the articles that JJ isnt wearing his PURITY ring. Shocker!! Now that hes dating Ashley Green you think hes still saving it?

  4. Wait. Are we outsourcing our celeb gossip now?

    You know a dude totally wrote that. No chick in her right mind would write anything about Rob unless it involved one or more of his body parts or how fuckin' hilarious he is. Oh, or how he's LKW's sumpin' on da side. (We're totes ok with that, LKW, as long as you're all givey with the deets)

    Google, I love you but you really love bringin' home the trash, don't you?

  5. "has the internet become just a giant fucking cheesy tabloid?" The internet, the newspapers, the magazines, the TV, basically I pretty much have a hard believing anything unless I have seen it with my own eyes (and even then I am not so sure).

  6. [Mark his presence? Is he going to pee on Viggo? Because that would be gross.] Bwahahahahaha! Next thing you know they will be talking about him having a pee fetish.

    I am,of course,totally jealous of KStew's good fortune of landing The Precious.....because that is normal for a married 39 year old mother of two....BUT now she gets to have pretend sexy times with Viggo? Fuck me. I need to re-read 'On The Road'...apparently I was too stoned when I read it the first time in my teens...I forget everything. Fuck!

    Great post @LKW XO

  7. Now, he wasn't actually IN DALLAS this week, was he? Because I already feel EPIC FAIL enough that he was in Lubbock and Houston and I didn't feel his presence up in Big D... but if he was actually in my city and I didn't know... well, I picked a fine time to give up twitter.

    PS It's my 36th birthday. And Rob? I wished for you when I blew out those candles.

  8. Ummmmmmm. Viiiiiiiiggooooo.......

  9. All I can think about is how lucky that bitch is. Viggo all day and Pattz all night? STFU.

  10. I'm with you @June Velcro, she's one lucky bitch alright. She's done very well for a bird with the personality of a kitchen sponge.
    He could send some of that "time on the tips of his fingers" my way, seeing it seems to be spare! Priceless post yet again @LKW.

  11. LKW you are bloody brilliant, and I'm LMAO here. And now I need to join the google alert club so that I too can read these hilariously ridiculous "articles."

    "Do you have nothing better to talk about? No? Me neither... I too want to talk about the preh-tay 24-7, much to the dismay of the people around me." Yup. This is my life now.

  12. A Viggo-Me-Rob sandwich is just about the best thing I can think of.
    Yes, I've read many of these terribly worded, horribly spelled, completely unfounded "news bits" on the net. Total, total crap. But if Rob wanted to mark his territory by peeing on my leg, I'd probably be okay with it. Just sayin'

  13. @Lori and @laxplays: when I saw/heard he was in Lubbock, my first thought was that he may be making his way across to New Orleans (albeit a little early) Soooo, I quickly analyzed all the ways to get there and the odds of him coming through Dallas. I don't have twitter but actually secretly wished I knew his whereabouts this week as I'm off of work. I'm a great tour guide...especially around my house. ;)

  14. ~oh and kinda stoked to learn in the last several posts about our Texas Twitarded contingent! SWEEET!

  15. These articles are the reason I no longer google Rob 15 times a day (I'm down to about 5). WTF with that last one, "How green is his valley." More like I want his peen in MY valley.

    W/V deorkier (FML - even the wv calls me names)

  16. @laxplays--I blame you. I was sitting on the curb with fruit snacks & thawing Hot Pockets waiting for you to pick me up.

    @LKW--I didn't get past the part about a Rob/Viggo/Kristen 3 way. Sweet jeebus. I'm going to make that movie in my head tonight.

  17. @TK - Fuck that dude, I'm make a Rob/Viggo/LKW movie in my head tonight! Oh yeah.

  18. @June Velcro - I'm with you. What a lucky twat.

  19. Dude, that Viggo guy is fugly. There is no competition. In fact, that picture looks like he already got peed on.

  20. Ok. That article (or whatever you want to call that crap) had to be written by a foreign dude.

    I haven't set a google alert for RPattz for fear I would never get work done! KStew, you go girl!

  21. LKW,
    I didn't know you could set up your google account to do that. Once you wrote that I hopped my preh-tay loving ass over there and set it up!

    I'm going to go ahead and let you ladies on a little secret. I have NO libido, none, nada, does not exist. But, when I see this man I want to do such bad, sexy, illegal acts to his body. Some pictures, Ii just fucking loose it over. Oh, why can't I climb into KStews body for just one day. I'd tap that ass, till his dick fell off and then I take it home as a souvenir!

  22. Friggin classic! I'm snorting.
    Great commentary, LW!

  23. Ok so I simply had to stop reading after the whole "at the tip of his fingers" segment because...well my panties spontaneously combusted and my mind wandered to very very dirty places! FINGER-PORN!!! Thanks for the post, LKW!

  24. Bottom line: the only reason I'd throw Viggo (or Rob) out of bed is to fuck him on the floor.

    Some bitches, man.


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