Monday, September 20, 2010

The "What-If?" Game, Which Only Vaguely Relates to Twilight.

Every once in awhile ML and I engage in a little game I call "What If/What Would You?" An epically genius name, don't you think? Though I can't imagine any of you not being able to hazard a guess as to how the game "What If/What Would You?" is played, I'll still lay it out for ya. Just in case.

Essentially, one person asks the other person "What if...?" and gives some kind of scenario. "What if I paid you a million dollars to give you a Jelly Donut (trust me, you don't really want to know)? Or "What would you do if I woke you up by punching you in the nuts while dumping a glass of ice water on you at the exact same time?" (Answer: break my "no beating women" rule)

My god does that sound like a stupid fucking game, but I'll play anyway. "What if there was a gigantic birdcage about to devour your face? What would you do? See? See how stupid this game is... sweet Jesus on a pogo stick -- what the fuck is that?!?!

You know, normal everyday conversations between loved ones.

Usually we play this little game while we're stuck in the car and ML is endeavoring to distract me as he hurtles his deathtrap-mobile at excessive speeds around tight corners. Sometimes the "What If" is funny, sometimes (okay, mostly) it's totally outlandish and occasionally, the "What If" is actually quite serious.

The visual equivalent of many of my conversations.

Not too long ago, ML's parents and sister were coming for a visit. Now, they know I like Twilight, but they have absolutely no idea just how much I like it. And I'm pretty sure they would be a little more than alarmed if they ever found out I have about 800 pictures of Robert Pattinson and only about five of ML and I on the computer.

And you can bet your fucking titties they don't know about the blog.

We plan to keep it that way.

ML: You know you're going to have to take your Twi gear down when my folks come. And hide those Full Size Edwards. Preferably in the garbage can.
ME: Yeah, yeah. Hey, what if they knew about the blog? [Let the gaaaaames begin]
ML: They'd be horrified and you'd probably scar my mother for life.
Me: What if I did this for a living? Like, instead of that soul-sucking job that makes me want to kick cute old ladies and puppies that I currently have, I wrote blogs for money?
ML: I'd tell them you write... entertainment. And pray like hell they never ask for your blog name.

Technically, the whole entertainment thing wouldn't be a lie. I mean, poop jokes are SO entertaining. And so is porn. What can I say? I find humor in random, off-color shit.

I find this fucking hysterical. I'm 20000% positive ML's Mom would not.

Needless to say, I totally forgot to hide the Twi-gear and I most certainly did not relocate the FSE's. It wasn't until ML's five year old niece was staring at them with a mildly frightened look on her face that I remembered I was supposed to. In my defense, the FSE Brigade is such a normal part of my landscape at this point that I seriously don't even notice them - they're like hot triplets lurking in the corner.

Surprisingly, ML's family took my two-dimensional friends in stride and asked polite questions about them briefly before the subject was dropped and we carried on with doing family shit.

So, here's our dining room and HOLY FUCK!!! Uh, quick, let's go to the kitchen...

Then again, there is a good possibility that ML's family was totally unfazed. I mean, ML is a little... er, "interesting" himself and not exactly the most suave when it comes to life stuff. Like, the second time (the first time was so fucking absurd I'm not even going there) I told him I loved him he was all, "thanks." As in literally, I said "I love you," and that was all he said back--"thanks."

And then he asked me for a beer.

Shit, even I was perplexed. At that point, we'd kinda been together for awhile and well... ML is just fucking baffling. But he's been this way since he was a kid so I'm assuming his parents are familiar with "holy shit are you fucking weird".

So, yeah, maybe they didn't care. But they'll never know about the blog, anyway. Just in case.

Admit it - you know you and your bff or S/O or whoever do similar shit like this. It's okay. You can tell us. We don't judge. Much.

36 comments:

  1. "they're like hot triplets lurking in the corner." LMAO!!!

    My in-laws ... well I don't know what they know about my whole Twilight world. They know I like it but I don't know how much my hubby tells them, I keep it very simple :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wait. What do the boys in the corner have to do with the "what if game" again? I'm lost.

    ReplyDelete
  3. my husband and i play "who'd you rather..." but that game is usually played wile at least one of us is drunk and insisting that the sober one will not remember that in the morning.

    ReplyDelete
  4. JJ, I just love the random way your mind works. You truly are the boss of us :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. "they're like hot triplets lurking in the corner."
    Possibly the best line I've ever read on any blog. Ever. And the birdcage picture is probably my fave of the precious.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I must ask..how long have you been with ML? DG & I have been together over 5 years...not married.

    "Hot triplets" <~~~~love this. If my s/o's parents came over I wouldn't hide anything. I would let the freak flag fly. I pretty much know my s/o's parents would just make fun of me in a loving way.

    Oh and yes, we have played what if. Love it...sometimes.

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Twilove1_Sue - remind me to talk about the Cornish hen I cooked tonight. Beyond disturbing. LOL!

    @TwiredJen - ML and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 4. Rumor has it we're a very interesting couple together. Ask STY. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. JJ- we have been together 6 (yikes, got it wrong) and living together 4..gaaah..he better shit or get off the pot ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. lmao as well to those triplets in the corner... oh wouldn't it be fun if he was a triplet...

    Started crying I was laughing so hard at the pink sign... what's awesome is the contact tabs at the bottom that are torn off... of course hubby asked what I'm laughing at... 'nothing honey, nothing at all'.

    They are so much better off not knowing...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Jelly Donut? 'Round here, it's called a "Strawberry Shortcake." And I'd totally do it for less. Pain is temporary. Unless he gets photo/video evidence. Then I'd need the million dollars. And a written statement saying the whole scenario was staged. I ruv me some What if/What wouldja do. Especially with the S/O. You think you know someone...then they throw out something like "What would you do if I paid you a $5000 dollars to show up at a funeral acting drunk and tripping into the burial site after they lower the coffin?" ...I love him, really I do.

    @Twired J and JJ. Y'all got nothing on me and The Bentist. Together ELEVEN, living together for 3, just got engaged in July. ...Amateurs.

    Loved the for sale sign. And I think it completely qualifies for an "entertainment" blog. I am entertained. Even more entertaining is looking at your gorgeous fucking dining room table and chairs. I even stopped staring at the FSE Brigade. I need to know where you got it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My in-laws don't know about this blog...My SIL would TOTALLY love it (I think) but they are not great secret-keepers within the fam and I can't deal with the idea of my FIL reading about me wanting to ride RPatts's disco stick lol... I am considering telling my father... He won't get it but my sister and I are debating whether he would think it's cool if I explained it. And he's totally NOT internet savvy so would never find/read it... hmmmm...

    p.s. for whatever reason, mr. snarky & I have never played "what if" or any variation. but maybe we'll start... idk - sounds like trouble to me lol.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yeah, so I play the 'let's avoid talking about Twilight' game with anyone in RL who doesn't really know the extend of my obsession (i.e. everyone except my BFF).

    I have become so adept at brushing things off, like, 'oh yeah, I've read those, they're alright'... it's scary. I could be a professional liar.

    I won't start on the conversation I had with my friend's 9 year old recently when she told me she loved Edward Cullen. Sweet Jesus it was hard to remember she meant the one from the books as she's not allowed to watch the films and certainly doesn't know about all the fic dirty-wards. Anyhoo, I changed the subject to Bieber, asap.

    You know times are desparate when you'd rather discuss the Bieb.

    On another note, here comes a shameless plug for my new blog. Please check it out! www.twikiwi.blogspot.com. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  13. That pink sign... wow. Almost as freaky as the half-cat at the zoo. *shudder*

    I introduced MIL/SIL to Twilight, which both devoured, but it ended there... I think. For all I know, they both took it further and are regular commenters on this blog. (I kinda ponder that sometimes... what the chances are that any of us know e/o in real life but will never figure it out).

    ReplyDelete
  14. See, and if I had this blog, I'd be telling everyone. Including my boss who might fire me over it. Because it kicks so much ass, that's why!

    btw, ML and Mr. Cat sound exactly the same. 10 years later and he still says "thanks" when I say "I love you".

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ive been married for 26 years...Enough said ..games??? I'm lucky to get a grunt..As for fams knowing of my Twi-obsess. They know me and love me anyway. Besides, I can always say SOMEONE(LKW) in my fams is way more freakaleeky than me..But I love that you and yours play games..It gives me somthing to ponder..what if...I like it. I'll let you know how that one plays out. I bet I get the furrowed brow stare.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh...my...God...

    I have totally been the person who says "thanks" when someone says I love you! That just cracks me up! I think I have done it to 2 of my now ex's when they first said those three little words. HAHAHAHA!

    I also like ML's responses to your "what if/what would you do" questions. Awesome.

    You have definitly brightened my morning today.

    ReplyDelete
  17. HAHAHA at the "triplets in the corner" although the Burger King crown is oddly disturbing.

    My daughter knows almost all of my twilight freakiness and she rolls her eyes at that - if hubby knew about all of it, he'd shit his pants! He already is quite handy at cracking me up by taking pics of RPattz out of magazines and taping them on women's bodies because he thinks he's girly looking!

    We don't play any games except for the "list" game when you add people to your fantasy free pass, if you had the chance to bang them it doesn't count as cheating list!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Me and the S/O don't play games any more! We are all serious all the time - when I told him I wanted to go to Forks, he said "If you go to Forks, I'm buying a Harley." Well, I'm going to Forks and guess what he bought yesterday!!! That's right ladies, my hubby is the giddy new owner of a Harley. I can't imagine what he would do if he found out about the extent of my lust for the precious! I even had my Rob Flask delivered to work so that he couldn't possibly see it. What's a Rob flask you ask - well I customized a 28 oz. SIGG water canteen with pics of the precious. If your going to Forks you'll have the chance to see it as I will have it with me 24/7 while I'm there. :)


    @LindsayRae - I'm right there with ya. Me and the S/O, engaged at 10 years, married at 11 years, living together for 12.5 years and have a 5 year old son.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love it... I need to start playing 'what if'... sounds like lotsa trouble!

    I'm not one to say ILY nor thanks when someone says it to me, I'm usually on the side of ignorance is bliss and pretend I heard nothing.

    TMI time but one time I was with my ex ya-know-what-i-mean-and-i-know-you-do anywho.. he mumbled that's right mumbled ILY, I said 'huh'? he mumbled it again and again I went with 'huh'? so he tried one more time and again I went with 'huh'? He gave up after that*shrugs shoulders* guess that's why were not together anymore.

    I can say 'love' or 'I love this' or 'I love that' or even 'I love you' to total strangers (ie: RPattz) but to family, friends, s/o's I clam up and ignore when people say it to me :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. The "thanks" response to I love you reminds me of Wayne's World. That's the appropriate response when Terry says "I love you," remember?

    I've been with my s/o ten years, engaged last year and we'll get married next year. We definitely play What if...and usually end up laughing hysterically.

    His family has an indication of my Twi-love, after-all, I brought Pocket E with me to visit them in the Middle East, but they don't know much beyond that. My family & friends that live around me have a clearer idea about the insanity - like I was telling my dad and a group of his musician friends about fanfiction and the subgenres like slash while at the bar the other night. Everyone about my Twitarded devotion. Seriously. How could they not? I make my dogs wear tshirts. :P

    ReplyDelete
  21. How absolutely pathetic is it that the only "what if" my husband & I have discussed in depth is what if I really met Rob! I actually think about this. ALOT. I have contemplated weather or not I would sacrifice everything, getting a direct ticket to hell would be worth one night of naked touchy-feely with the most fuck hawt man on the planet. I have concluded that yes, it would most definitely be worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  22. @PurpleCupcake- I agree. Naked touchy-feely would be totally worth it.

    @JennyJerkface - You're so awesome. I love those triplets and I have the Twilight FSE (my fave, THE CUFF!!) and have had quite a few "normals" have to come up with a way to deal with that big old Robelephant in the room. I enjoy how it makes them uncomfortable. It actually helped me get out of going to see Eclipse with some only casual Twilighty-type moms. One of the women on my street came by to drop something off, mentioned that they may go see the movie and then, I was all, " OMG! I love Twilight! Looooook! Full Sized Edward!!!" She backed away sloooowwwlllly and then I never heard from them again. So that was completely win. I'm beginning to realize that FSE really does have my back.

    When my husband goes out of town next week, I'm going to use your fantastic suggestion of placing him in the window to deter serial killers. Thanks for that!

    ReplyDelete
  23. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I don’t think that I would want to play the “What if game” with Mr. RM. Cause I think it would turn into a debauchery of “Oh really, you would do this or that with so & so but not me!” Kinda crazy type-thing. NO!

    I always call Mr. RM on my way home and see if we need anything from the store or whatever and on occasion I usually tell him to, “kick out your girlfriend and get dinner started because I am on my way home!” He usually says that she just left. LOL. That’s the extent of my game playing.

    Maybe we can do that in FFOOOORRKKSS!!! hehehe

    ReplyDelete
  25. I think you should take your experiences and market a line of greeting cards for awkward dudes who are afraid of commitment. And lets face it, thats 90% of guys. Another 7% of guys are awkward without the fear of commitment(but are generally married over and over, which gives you a nice niche for the "divorce card" line, which nobody has leveraged) and the remaining 3% are Mr. Perfects who don't need to buy cards....ever... They can forget your birthday every year, but hey, check out those abs.

    As for your family or his family being mortified about the blog, I imagine there are worse online activities frequented by family members, but were all best off not knowing about them.

    v/w: Stuckin. You wouldn't believe what I just got it stuchin.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Why, oh why did I click on the "you don't really want to know"? Now I have to endure this along with my blumpkin knowledge. Eeew.
    I keep my Twi-issues nice & quiet when it comes to the in-laws. And any evidence (Pocketward) gets blamed on the 3yo, cuz he tells everyone about his fandom.
    My Mom's an addict, who pushed the crack on me btw, but when I set her up with a Twi/HHH internet bookmark set, I have to admit I skipped this site. I just can't picture her reading about sparklepeen. Although she probably wants to ride the Rob Rod just as much as us younger gals.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I guess I'm the only who is totally freaked out by that white "cat"(?)! It's true that the more you look at it, the weirder it gets. Now I can never unsee that thing? I don't even know what the post was about!!!! Is that a half-body, 1 front and 1 back leg and tail cat????? Does it have ears or are they gone, too. And what is it doing slinking down the sidewalk????? Gotta go look at it some more!

    ReplyDelete
  28. @TwiredJen @Lindsay Rae @KittyElvis - Know what I need to add to "shit I'm scared of" post that Latchkey did a few days ago? Marriage. I've never cared whether I was married or not and it didn't seem like a big deal. Plus, we bought a house together. That shit is fucking binding.

    @My Inner Goddess - that cat is fucking weird, dude. Fucking weird.

    ReplyDelete
  29. ok me nd MM [mister me] have never played would you rather which is rather odd because its the kind of game we would totally do! ive got to work on that in the mornin.... anyway i want to know what happened the first time you told him you loved him! if thats what he says the second time the first time has got to be hilarious. please do tell!

    ReplyDelete
  30. @I_heart_Fifty, I died at "you know things are bad when you're talking about the Biebs."

    JJ, this post made me laugh my effing ass off. As per usual. But still - fucking hilarious.

    Everyone seems to be playing the guess-how-long-we've-been-together game, which I'm the slightest bit bitter about given the recent demise of my three and a half year relationship (we're on as good terms as humanly possible at this point, so no hard feelings, just sad), but here's the catch. Only three people in my real life know about my going to Forks - my parents (in case I die they deserve to know what the hell I was doing in Washington State) and HIM. He is sworn to absolute secrecy, because no one else in my life knows JUST how crazy into Twilight I am. BUT THEN WE BROKE UP. I live in fear of the day he lets it slip and I am exposed for all the world as the crazy Twitard that I am.

    On the bright side, now that I'm single all you committed chicks may need to make sure I don't drunk-make-out with any of the good people of Forks while we're there.

    WV: Sharksh. As in, how I'd say sharks if I was drunk. Holy shhhit, honey, do you shee thosh sharksh?

    ReplyDelete
  31. I have to hide my Edward stuff when people come over too. But I only have one stand up and four posters in my house. By the way, I am married with two kids and 38 years old. That's not weird right?

    ReplyDelete
  32. @Jennifer Crane - That's NORMAL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Oh, this makes me laugh, and loud. Mr. kay18jay and I play the what if game, and the free pass game, and he feeds my Rob obsession by calling him 'your boooyyyfriend' when he talks about me and my crazyness. When I am reading fanfics, or blogs, and he comes inthe room he'll ask, "are you reading about your boooyyyyfriend?' My kids even ask me sometimes 'Mom, how's Edward today?' as they point to my Edward doll prominently displayed in our entertainment center. It was a christmas gift from my husband!
    My sister knows about my obsession. and some of my nieces, as they have read some of my fics, but most of my family is 1200 miles away, and *shrugs* I don't think they really care. I wish I had a 'real live friend' that shares my obsession. That I could talk to, out loud, and giggle about the latest blog post, or fic update, but alas, I am confined to cyberworld. I do have one friend at work that knows, but she's a rob fan only, and doesn't venture elsewhere.
    My husband is pretty tolerant of my ranting about fics, or blog posts, but sometimes I have to pull back, because he gets the same glaze in his eye that I get when he goes on and on about football.

    Great post! great blog!
    I'm out!

    ReplyDelete
  34. @Twilove1_Sue - remind me to talk about the Cornish hen I cooked tonight. Beyond disturbing. LOL!

    @TwiredJen - ML and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 4. Rumor has it we're a very interesting couple together. Ask STY. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  35. I must ask..how long have you been with ML? DG & I have been together over 5 years...not married.

    "Hot triplets" <~~~~love this. If my s/o's parents came over I wouldn't hide anything. I would let the freak flag fly. I pretty much know my s/o's parents would just make fun of me in a loving way.

    Oh and yes, we have played what if. Love it...sometimes.

    xo J

    ReplyDelete
  36. "they're like hot triplets lurking in the corner."
    Possibly the best line I've ever read on any blog. Ever. And the birdcage picture is probably my fave of the precious.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!