I really don't ask for much in my life. A roof over my head, food on my table, and if I can't have him waiting for me naked in my bed, I'd like some good ol' fashioned Rob porn. Something to turn my frown upside down after a hard day at work. A collection of photos so hot, just a mere glimpse makes me uncontrollably drool on myself. Photos so smoking there should be a warning on the magazine cover: "Photos may cause vagina to latch itself to page."
I honestly don't recall a Rob drought like the one we're in right now. I mean what the fuck is he doing? Chasing that mostly scowling little cock tease all over the frackin country like a gah damn puppy dog...that's what [note from STY: Yup, I'm totally jealous of her, too]. I'm a little disappointed in him. Doesn't he realize we're chomping at the bit for some new material to masturbate to? Chicks have needs, too! Fuck, I've licked my issue of GQ so much, you can't even identify the pictures as him anymore. And my Vanity Fair is so full of bodily fluids, the pages are stuck together, rendering it useless.
This drought is in danger of reaching DEFCON 5, people, and we need to do something about it. It's getting so bad I was fucking forced to look at a skeezy pap pic today. Ok granted it was just one of KStew trying to grab the preh-tay's cockadoodledoo in the back seat of a cab, but I found this oddly hot and it kinda made me a little sweaty. Was it because it probably meant she waxed his shaft shortly after that photo was taken? I should be happy our boy is getting his dick wet right? Well I'm not. If he's dipping his stick in someone, it should be me, dammit.
And I want him to do all the bad things to me that are most surely floating around in that dirty brain of his.
And if that's not going to happen (because I may be a bit delusional, and shit like that doesn't happen to 40 year old women like me), I'll be more than happy with a fuckhawt photo shoot with the same high orgasm factor as the GQ shoot. One that slowly leaks panty-melting outtakes over the next several months and causes a collective moan throughout the fandom. I mean, come on dude. You're obviously between projects right now if you have the time to hang out with that ungrateful Twitchy McStutterer. Just take your clothes off and let someone take your fucking picture already.
Something must be done. And if I need to take matters into my own hands, than that's what I'll do. Who do I need to blow to get this thing done? Seriously. Point me in the right directions and I'll break out the industrial kneepads and give a porn-star-quality beejay that would make Jenna Jameson want to call me for pointers!
***************************************BONUS: And because I love you... here are some more favorites from the spank bank.