Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Lawd, Hear My Prayers... Give Me Robert Pattinson Porn!

We didn't have much rain in my part of the country this summer. In fact, the weatherdouche said we hadn't seen a summer this beautiful and rain free in 50 years. And we wouldn't see one like it for another 50... 50? As in 50 Shades? 50? Is that you? Gah...where was I? Oh right, the drought... Well, that sucker reached way past my yard - which, for the record, looked like someone set it on fire it was so dry. Yup, the drought stretched all the way to my bush. And by "bush" I mean "my vagina."

You have a dry vagina? I think I can help you with that.

I really don't ask for much in my life. A roof over my head, food on my table, and if I can't have him waiting for me naked in my bed, I'd like some good ol' fashioned Rob porn. Something to turn my frown upside down after a hard day at work. A collection of photos so hot, just a mere glimpse makes me uncontrollably drool on myself. Photos so smoking there should be a warning on the magazine cover: "Photos may cause vagina to latch itself to page."

That fucking crazy vagina knocked me clean off my piano bench. Crazy twat!

I honestly don't recall a Rob drought like the one we're in right now. I mean what the fuck is he doing? Chasing that mostly scowling little cock tease all over the frackin country like a gah damn puppy dog...that's what [note from STY: Yup, I'm totally jealous of her, too]. I'm a little disappointed in him. Doesn't he realize we're chomping at the bit for some new material to masturbate to? Chicks have needs, too! Fuck, I've licked my issue of GQ so much, you can't even identify the pictures as him anymore. And my Vanity Fair is so full of bodily fluids, the pages are stuck together, rendering it useless.

My shirt used to be blue but the fucking color's been licked clean off.

This drought is in danger of reaching DEFCON 5, people, and we need to do something about it. It's getting so bad I was fucking forced to look at a skeezy pap pic today. Ok granted it was just one of KStew trying to grab the preh-tay's cockadoodledoo in the back seat of a cab, but I found this oddly hot and it kinda made me a little sweaty. Was it because it probably meant she waxed his shaft shortly after that photo was taken? I should be happy our boy is getting his dick wet right? Well I'm not. If he's dipping his stick in someone, it should be me, dammit.

And I want him to do all the bad things to me that are most surely floating around in that dirty brain of his.

And if that's not going to happen (because I may be a bit delusional, and shit like that doesn't happen to 40 year old women like me), I'll be more than happy with a fuckhawt photo shoot with the same high orgasm factor as the GQ shoot. One that slowly leaks panty-melting outtakes over the next several months and causes a collective moan throughout the fandom. I mean, come on dude. You're obviously between projects right now if you have the time to hang out with that ungrateful Twitchy McStutterer. Just take your clothes off and let someone take your fucking picture already.

Ooooooor the Vanity Fair shoot... another gift that keeps on giving... giving me wet panties!

Something must be done. And if I need to take matters into my own hands, than that's what I'll do. Who do I need to blow to get this thing done? Seriously. Point me in the right directions and I'll break out the industrial kneepads and give a porn-star-quality beejay that would make Jenna Jameson want to call me for pointers!


BONUS: And because I love you... here are some more favorites from the spank bank.

VMan awesomeness... the very first time I really wanted the beanie between my legs.

Aaaaaaaaaaah, fuuuuuuuuuck me.

I'm from Maine... how could this photo not do naughty things to me?

More GQ goodness... makes me want to feed him the pink taco.

This one's for you Jenny Jerkface. Don't say I never gave you anything. And I'd say it's a little better than the fucking flying elbow to the face you tried to give me in Seattle.


  1. The lobster shot gets me. Every. Time.

  2. Pretty sure there were words in this post....But I didn't read a G Damned one.

  3. I'm with you LKW! My cream's finally crusted from the Another Man porn surge a while back. It's time to tear off the greaseball cap, let the SexHair fly and lay it out there for the hungry hungry h00rs! Doesn't Annie Leibovitz need a financial surge? Let's let her have a go. And let there be video of the shoot, so I can tote it around on all my external devices like I do the hair-fondling Gyllenporn she so generously gave me years ago.
    In the mean time, if someone wants to give us a little porn cookie to tide us over, some ultra HQ versions of the Bruce Weber VF shoot would be nice. That crispy white shirt, shoe in hand, just got thru fucking your wits loose shot needs to be bigger, so I can still see it while I roll around in the bed humping pillows.

  4. Ah Ahhh Ahhhhhhahaaaa OMG..I'll post somthing when I can Breathe again...I'm Fucking dying here..I'm pretty sure eyeliner, mascara is all over mah face..IT BURNS!!!! PS...I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

  5. Im sorry ...what?
    Im sure there were words I was reading but once the photos mind stopped working.


    Vw: glyismy
    I think Im having one now.

  6. Oh ma gawd, I have never seen that blk & wht photo with the ray bans. FUCK ME sideways, that man does me in.

    PS LKW, you're such a dirrty lil h00r, and I luv ya for it.


    xo J

  7. Holy Fucking RobGod! that sunglasses picture. Ded. Why the fuck can't you right click save on the evil iPhone? Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'll be thanking you LKW when I hit the bunk tonight.

  8. Look at the way Rob is holding that piece of corn...see how his pointy finger is only bent at one joint? I need someone to agree with me that it's quite unusual the way his fingers bend. Love what you said LKW. Totally agree.

  9. Update! I figured how to save pictures on the iPhone. Behold the power of The Precious! and a horny woman ;-)

  10. I have decided that Robert Pattinson is like catnip for girls (esp. those of us 40+ who are in our prime). His hotness is truly borderline painful, in that it gob smacks you, it makes you shake and drool, it brings tears to your eyes, it's panty-melting, BUT, sorry, you can't REALLY have it.

    I think that's what the kitties feel when they chew on catnip. They get all spun up but with no release! Wah! But I'll still always want me some Rob porn. VF shoot was absolutely my fav so far. Yeah, I need me some more. If Rob porn were a drug, we'd all be in soooooooo much shit!

  11. Ah Lachkee (tee hee) we can always count on you to bring the subject back on around to the root of our obsession. Where it belongs.
    Until tonight, I was surviving on an endless loop of Biel's first MoTU vid, backed by the Usher tune and that guy with the towel in the first few seconds: Who cares who the fuck that really is, it will always be the Prehtay himself to some of us.
    Desperate for Robness (after STY's cooking site pic) I stumbled on this reliable piece of reportage from the UK:

    ROBERT Pattinson is more like Kristen Stewart’s SLAVE than her boyfriend — according to a new report.
    Britain’s Heat magazine claims Stewart — who’s famed for her below average acting abilities — treats her hunky beau like an assistant, often sending him out to buy booze and food, instead of banging his brains out.

    Say it out loud: Latchkey Wife would NEVER let that happen!!!!

  12. LKW you are one funny funny hoor! Thanks for this post:)

    And congrats, LadyS! My iPhone is full of yummy Robporn, with a smattering of Jackson, Kellan and Taylor (for my great-niece the Twi-pusher, of course! That's my story and I'm stickin to it;)

  13. @getinthecar I think Kstew needs to be fired from her current obsession so we can all get ON with it.... and what in the hell liquor store does he go to so we can all be there waiting for him with our kneepads on???

  14. Holy shizz, those pictures are hot. And I don't care, I love that goddamned beard. I do. I'm with JennyJerkface on this one. That last one is, just, it.

    And thank gah for you guys. I can't look at pap photos. They really stress me out. You know what else stresses me out? Not knowing where the precious is. It's a tough fucking time is right.

    Please, Rob. I like the Leibowitz idea. Let's do this.

    <3 you, LKW!

  15. Did you say something? Were there words in that post?

    Off to er....shower...yeah..shower..

  16. Remember at the end of Eclipse when Robward asks, "So it's not all about me?" All 12 times I watched it in the theater, I would answer, "Oh yes it is!"

    It's definitely all about Rob. Thanks for posting some of my favorite pictures of him, LKW. Are you sure you didn't raid my Robp0rn stash?

  17. I love you. You write what I think and would NEVER say out loud. Had to add the raybans with scruff photo to the collection.

  18. Bravo. Bravo. Moist and delish!

  19. I have 2 ginormous computer monitors at my new work and nothing new to drool over. Give it up, boy! (That means you too, Jbone)

  20. So there I was...Simultaneously giggling at you LKW and moaning softly at The Precious...when all of a sudden...BAM...Wolfy Rob!! My ovaries squeeeed like a fangirl and took a flying leap at the damned monitor...

  21. A) LOFL!
    B) I fucking love you slutty biotches.
    C) Does he not understand what we are going through here? Help a sister out, Rob. We are suffering here.
    D) I am totally picturing h00rs all across the planet warming up like Rocky. Rolling necks, cracking knuckles, dusting off kneepads... just waiting to find out who needs a favor to bring back the fucking precious already!

  22. Love it but couldya not hate on Kstew so much? I know we all wanna be her and are super jealous but she is kinda Queen Other and a bit speesh in her own way too.

    Thanks a bunch.

  23. Amen sister! This is one mother fuck of a dry spell we are experiencing! Therefore I feel it is only right to plead our case to Rob...see below.

    *A note to the precious: Dearest Rob, for the sake of our parched vaginas please have your people contact the nice folks over at GQ or VF to arrange a teeny tiny photo shoot. Nothing fancy, just a little something to get us over this hump and get our juices flowing again so to speak. Frankly we are concerned about brush fires if the situation is not rectified soon. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

    Oh and the part about wanting to feed him the pink taco?!? LKW, I fucking love you...that is all!

  24. @ToeFunny--I am with you girl. Wolfie Rob makes me ways that are even foreign to me.

    @LKW--I love you know that right? I used to not look at Pap pics because I was above that too. BUT, when there is near cock grazing in said pics all morality and rules are off. I may have fumed a little.

    I know, I know I am a grown, MARRIED, adult woman, mother of two...these thoughts border on insanity....but, really? Rob we NEED you to come out to play. NOW! My new Coolpix camera can take a decent photo...I am up for the job Rob...e-mail me hon...oh and don't bother shaving. Rowr.

  25. I laughed so hard, I was sure this one was written by JJ.
    See, every time I read a blog, I make a guess after the first paragraph as to who wrote it. With STY, I usually get a appreciative sigh to give away the writer. JJ is always a simultaneous cringe-giggle-snort.

    I've just learned to recognize LKW. She has forever etched into my mind the words "Photos may cause vagina to latch itself to page."

    Love you, LKW

  26. I feel so DIRTY looking at the pap pictures but hell, @LKW, you are so right! DEFCON 5 for sho!

    Want to know something fucked up? That little BitchStew was in my Rob dream last night!! I actually asked her if I could get a pic with him in my dream? WHAT THE FUCK?!?! My dreams have gone from Rob fantasies to asking his little hussie for a picture of him. GRRRRrrrr I want more RPattz!!

    j/k KStew, I still <3 you, but just insanely jealous.

    *cough* bitch *cough*

  27. "Doesn't he realize we're chomping at the bit for some new material to masturbate to? Chicks have needs, too!"

    Fuck LKW, you hit the nail on the head!


    And I agree with Lisa - it really is all about you, Rob. More pictures please!!!

    (P.S. This pic instigated a LOT of RC+S)

  28. omfg, lkw, if either of us were down with the pussy and not married I'd so marry you for this post."Photos may cause vagina to latch itself to page." I lost my shizz right there lol. And then you went and killed me with that Ray Ban pic that I'd never seen before....gah my puter is hooked to my 63" big screen so yeah *thud* i'm ded. I totally agree that the drought is reaching Epic proportions ( like his I right?)I had to go and make a spank video...
    It's got nothing on Biel since I'm a dumb twat that can't figure out how to do more than put a bunch of fuckhawt pics to music but I had to do something! And on the topic of Twitchy McStutterer ( my new fav name for that ungrateful harpy)I think we all just need to find time to go to Louisiana in the next 4 months and show him how a Real woman could treat him....yeah....but you know I'm not jealous or anything cause you know she's totally actually dating Tomstu and is just seen with Rob for show, I think it's in their contract with summit or something (That's my story and I'm sticking to it).

  29. Holy hell he's hot! I can't even come up with much to say because my brain is fried now! Oh,Latchkey Wife check your Facebook messages because I sent you a few pictures that came out! Soooo hot,want to touch the hienie!

  30. OMG LKW, I think I might be dying of laughter. Even though I don't know you, I doubt it is possible to love you more than I do at this moment. You are so right. Desperate fucking times....

    LMAO@ Fuck, I've licked my issue of GQ so much, you can't even identify the pictures as him anymore.

    VF is my fave photo shoot... Rob in that cable knit sweater, UNF!

  31. omg - your so right. this drought is going on for toooooo long. no lick and save for ages... my photobucket account is waiting for new hot pictures, and not only my pb account actually ;-) so thanks for this pictures lkw - reminders are always a good thing.

  32. OMG, you are so friggin' right! That is y i have been readin my va jay jay off w/the fan fic! there are some AMAZING stories on that def satisfy the mental but not the visual. My very, VERY active imagination is in overdrive but it is worth it! But i have to go to for a quick rub out is def my GQ

  33. Lawd, perhaps a dry bush is a sign from god. Ya know, like a burning bush?
    Say, wanna see God's Butt?
    If yes, here's the YouTube vid for ye.

  34. Ummm, I have never told anyone this......but I FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! And right now I am at work and I am about to go running screaming to the bathroom from the RPattz-gasm I am currently having. Thank you. :)

  35. So yes, I do tend to shit on KStew quite a bit, but I only do it out of love (ok, like really...) I mean, fuck, where would we all be right now if she hadn't insist that RPattz be cast as Edward? Huh? And for that, I would like to share a doob with her... as a thank you. For making me want him so much.

  36. agreed and agreed, isn't it time to start promoting WFE? i mean, it's almost april... right?

  37. LUV your comments ladies! I, for one, am on an endless loop reading MOTU over and over while staring at pictures of the preh-tay! It keeps me And LKW - you had me at "pink taco"! Thanks for the laughs!

  38. @LKW - *raises hand* I'll go with you to thank KStew in person.

    @Anonymous 12:37 - Welcome to MY world. I wish now I would have gotten the magnet in Forks that said "I'm in love with a fictional character." That so would have worked for Fifty ;)

  39. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, what's going on? What's happening? I refuse to close that window for the rest of the day. Tingly, I'm all tingly. I'm pretty sure if you look up 'humina, humina, humina' in the dictionary you will see this collection of pictures. Gee-zus.

    We are indeed in serious need of a new photo spread (hee hee, spread). Even my Google alerts on the Precious have been decidedly boring and uninteresting for weeks and weeks now.

    Oh, but thank YOU for the Ray-Ban photo, that was a new one for me. And right click & save!

  40. Someone needs to be out snappin' pics for LKW. Where's the L.A. paps at? We need some wardrobe, I mean dis-robe shots and some beanie shots. Get the hint! STAT!

  41. All I can say is:
    Thats why I found TCS Robp0rn Oasis hon. THIS IS EXACTLY THE REASON WHY ;)

  42. *Thud* Hoor down! I looooove all these pics. My Robward photo collection is insanely large, and I just keep adding to it all the time. God bless Maniporn for seeing us through the dry spell, but it's not as good as the real thing. I'd love to see some new shots of Rob sneaking out holding his shoes, more James Dean and George Michael impressions, and just more of His Hotness, any way I can get it. Bel Ami? Water for Elephants? Can't wait!!

    (I agree that he should throw us his bone once in a while instead of running around with Kstew's groceries. Doesn't she have staff for that shit? I wouldn't wear him out on such frivolity, he'd be saving his strength for more mutually beneficial activities...)

  43. LKW -You made my week with beautiful pics of The Precious! *sigh*
    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Lovin' MOTU-II soo much! Gawd, Snowqueens can write.

  44. I'm a pile of goo over the Ray-Ban pic I've never seen before. Thank you LKW!!

    @Twi-Me? I agree completely!

    I had the day off and watched some MotU and other videos of The Precious. You gotta check out Biel's Raw & Rosy video, js. I'm feeling quite satisfied ;)

  45. *enters confessional* Sometimes I just sit and stare at that picture of him in the black shirt with the wild hair. You know, the one where he wants to do baaaaad (good) things to me.

    Thanks for trying to fill the void, LKW. Now if only RPattz would fill my void. And by "void," I mean vagina.

  46. SERIOUSLY! This may piss some folks off, but I do not like shorter hair Rob or beardy Rob & that's all we've been getting lately. Imma be pissed if his Edward hair is too short in the back because Rob's hair is short in the back....gah!!!!!
    Good to be back laaaaaadies...RL has been a BITCH lately...sigh.

  47. I. am. died.

    Really now, I can't flick my bean to those pap pix. OK. I probably could. Whatever. No need to when we have all the beautiful photo shoot pix on the hard drive.

    But some new stuff would be greatly appreciated!

    Imma run out to BJ's for some more batteries now.

  48. @Twilight Junkie - I have a feeling that The Pretay's hair will be more as described in the book for BD 1 & 2 cuz Stephenie Meyer is 1 of the 3 producers and she has pretty definite ideas of what Edward's hair looks like. I read somewhere that she explained that 'her' vampires are 'frozen in time' so their hair doesn't grow. That's why it's always bugged me how sometimes Edward's hair seems shorter, sometimes longer, it doesn't work that way (same with Rosalie, Alice and Esme, too btw). So I'm hoping that with the new A-list makeup and costume designers, we'll be seeing a 'movie Edward' that will live up to the 'book Edward' and will do justice to our vagina fantasies!

  49. Gawd! I have missed so much coming into TWITARDED so late in the Twi-game!!!!!! I read this super blog at work and literally snorked so lound my twinkling co-blunder-er came looking to see if I had inadvertedly choked on my McLardo breakfast crumpet! When he saw what exactly I was choking on...sigh...(only in my pervie, over 50, peen deprived dreams!) he snorked even louder and we both proceeded to melt straight into our borrowed office equip. Several sort of "awkward" minutes he retreated back to his own personal dungeon. I am assuming to scope his own Robporn. I had to wait until now to write to say....LKW...I oh so much love you!!!!!!!! The RayBan shot is killer!!!!!!!!! YEOWWWWW! BUT, the Rob in the grassy knoll -a -waiting-on-me still has the lick smears on my monitor! Keep it up...oh, another {{{{sigh}}}}!! I vow to never miss another blog or I will commit to years of servitude to the harpy whoo needs take out!

  50. OOPS! I forgot to add that the lobster shot is amazing! Is it wrong of me to want that cobb? Snork

  51. LKW: Thank you. really. *sigh* I needed that. And... I refuse to believe that the prah-tay is not being well-taken-care of. Just thinking of that possibility makes me skitzy-anxious on verge of breakdown to find him and show him what he is truly missing. He should not be left wanting. ever.

  52. BTW I refer to the lobster pic of Rob with the Corn on the cob as Porn on the Rob.

  53. @ VitaminR "Porn on the Rob"...BWAHAHAHAHA

    @LKW 1st - LMFAO!!! 2nd - I just wanna throw out and Amen sister friend to that, we needs us some new lusty pics of Rob, AND AND AND OOOOHHHH MMMMAAAAHHHH GAAAWWWWDDDDD! Can I come over to your house and steal your computer, I mean drool over your Rob Porn files? PLEASE...I'll bring my own bib. Daaaammmmnnn Girl you got some good stuff in there. I love beardy, Rayban wearing Rob. Okay who am I kidding I love him anyway I can get him.

    And speaking of licking Rob, I found this the other day and I totally cracked up when the kitten showed up in the video licking the screen. Total crack up cause that's me when I watch Rob porn.

  54. Ah haha ah hahah Spank kill me LKW!

  55. I know I'm a little late to post a comment but I just found this page today. I 've got another idea, even though a naked photo shot is definitely needed NOW. Someone should do a body cast of a certain part of Rob's anatomy, make it into a mold and turn it into vibrating RobDildos. I think this is long overdue. Hey, Rob, would you help us out?


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