Thursday, October 7, 2010

Real Life Sucks Nuts

ATTENTION!!!!!
We interrupt this week's love-fest for the rantings of a raging homicidal maniac.
Me.

Well, it’s official. I’m back in Real Life mode. I have already mentally plotted the vicious murder of two complete strangers on my way into the city this morning – one for deciding to stop directly in front of the subway turnstile to dig around in her elephantine bag for her Metrocard and the other for some total asshat who felt compelled to walk down the sidewalk with a fucking patio umbrella because the sky was pissing a little rain.

I've got an awesome idea, you dumb twat. Just stand here and block the entry for everyone behind you and maybe someone will bludgeon you to death with their briefcase.

And then when I got to work, I realized my cute and adorable outfit actually wasn’t all that cute and adorable after all. It was grotesque and made me question my mental stability.

I looked like a wrinkly pile of douchery.

Not pictured: me punching myself in the face. Repeatedly.

I mean, really. It looked like Cyndi Lauper and Laura Ingalls got into a knock-down drag-out fight and my outfit was the gruesome aftermath.

I’m sure everyone has had those days – the ones where you think you look fabulous when you prance out the door but by the time you get to work you realize you actually look like a clown-school reject and there isn’t bubkis you can do about it, short of stuffing your entire body under your desk and praying no one comes looking for you.

So, yeah, there I was, sitting at my desk wearing an outfit that would have looked supah cute and all Punky Brewster-ish if I was four.

Even Punky Brewster thinks I'm a total fail.

Except that I’m not four. I’m 32, going on 33. I looked like a color-blind hobo on peyote.

Oh, and want to know what the cherry on top of my outfit-fail sundae was??? My boots squeaked. Which two coworkers pointed out to me with merciless glee. They didn’t squeak this morning when I left the house, so clearly these boots are fucking assholes, because they’re squeaking now.

It was as if my shoes thought the clusterfuck that was my outfit needed audio commentary or something -- *squeak squeak* HEY! LOOK AT THE SHITSHOW WALKING TO GET A CUP OF COFFEE! *squeak squeak* LOOOOOOK!!! *squeak squeak*

At one point I found myself sitting at my desk, squeezing my eyes closed and clicking my squeaky boots together like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Except that I didn’t want to go to Oz because Latchkey is probably right and they would mistake me for one of those Lollipop Kids, especially in the ridiculous getup I decided to throw on today.

JMFHF!! Were these dudes always this terrifying?!?! I would want to get the fuck out of Oz if I saw these guys, too.

Instead I chanted “There’s no place like Forks...There’s no place like Forks...There's no place like Forks...”

It didn't work. When I opened my eyes, my boss was looking at me even more strangely than before so I shut the fuck up and got back to work.

But, yeah, I wish I was still in Forks.

64 comments:

  1. Thank God you're back...I was getting worried y'all were going soft on me....and I don't do soft.

    ps. sorry you had a shitty day.

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  2. Oh my God...I have those days constantly where you think you're outfit totally rocks and then you get a glimpse of yourself in a window or something and you're like...Oh shit.

    If you were in Forks no one would have heard your shoes. The log trucks would have drowned them out. DAMN YOU LOG TRUCKS!!! (Shaking fist to the sky)

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  3. LMAO Mrs. P!

    I'm thinking the tights were the icing on your outfit cake...are they pink-ish?

    Been there, done that. And it sucks ass. I feel for you.

    xo J

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  4. I just have to ask..Where the fuck do you get all those cute dresses?? Beause your always in em.. and it works...so you thought you looked ridic..look around sweetie theres lots of ugly out there. And besides...you'd make any outfit look good, cute and adorable. As for assfucktards on the subway?? I don't know anything about it.. But if it pisses you off..just give em a shove and politley say...Oh excuse me...I didn't see you holding up the entire subway...so sorry...

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  5. I don't see how you can ever look bad in you're clothes, you're honestly too adorable. I always want to pinch your wicked little cheeks and not the ones on your face.

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  6. I feel your pain! I may not have been in Forks but the weekend before I went to a convention for Rocky Horror Picture Show and when I got back to work Monday all I could think was damn I wish I was still in LA with all my crazy new friends. I have learned that this is called post con depression. So I guess you have Post Forks depression. Anyway I thought your outfit looked super cute! Going back to work after so much fun sucks balls!!!!!!

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  7. I bow to the Queen! LMFAO JJ!
    You had a bit of a Seinfeld episode day.

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  8. I have more of those kind of days than I do the ones where I end the day still feeling like I look cute, LOL. I like to blame my empty pocketbook and lack of new stuff, but it's really just sleep-deprived decision-making and poor eyesight.

    This post made me do that laugh-and-nod thing you do when something is hilarious but also completely relatable - which is what I do almost every time I read your posts!! Yay, Punky Munchkin!

    I'm not sure this comment makes any sense. It's 6:30pm and I'm still sleep-deprived. And Forks-deprived. And, most importantly, alcohol-deprived. Rambleramble.

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  9. LMFAO!!

    Christ you kill me JJ. Esp now that I can hear your voice.

    This is the most I've laughed since I got home. Sorry it had to be at your expense.

    I wore my red shoes on Tuesday in hopes that they would take me back to Forks. Didn't work. Motherfucker.

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  10. I don't remember there being a naked guy in Munchkin Land! He's right there between the green guy and the blue guy. He reminds me of those grown men who want to dress in diapers and get spanked.

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  11. Well, I that outfit looked like something I would wear, so I don't see the big problem here, baha!

    but yeah, your boots *were* just being assholes

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  12. Squeaky boots are the worst! Especially on a day you just wanted people to not look at you because you hated your outfit.

    There's no place like Forks,
    There's no place like Forks.

    It's not working for me either. :(

    Of course, it wouldn't be right unless all my Twi-hos were there with me. It's all about the people! Uh oh - sap alert!

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  13. For some unknown reason, I wanted to start singing "The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar....." when I saw your outfit. Orphan Annie and Sandy the mutt (and even Scobby for that matter) would have been so proud.

    X

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  14. i think that jj just threw in the wizard of oz photo for perspective - once you look at that, you don't give a limpopo* what anyone else is wearing {{{shudder}}}.

    *limpopo - search it in twitter, people. thxkbye. [heart] u myg!

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  15. I hate squeaky shoes. So annoying! I especially hate when they only start doing it either a) at work or b) anywhere when it suddenly is very very quiet!!! Ugh

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  16. Swear to GOD Jenny, when I saw that pic of your outfit, I randomly burst out singing, "It's a Hard Knock Life". But knowing you, it was still so fucking cute I'd feel like adopting your ass.

    MC

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  17. I think you look amazing, Beth.

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  18. I still maintain that you are the snappiest fucking dresser I have ever met and I am even totes jealous of your Raggedy-Ann-meets-Laura-Ingalls-Wilder-On-The-Lollipop-Guild outfit. I have FREQUENTLY had those days where I leave the house thinking, "I am the SHIT" until I go to work and realize that no, in fact, I look like a total motherfucking idiot.

    As much as I loved the posts over the last few days I was so delighted to see this, it made me laugh like cray cray.

    I am still Forks Hungover, missing all my h00rs and totally fucking sleep deprived because even after the jet lag passed I keep staying up til 2 in the morning browsing pictures from all the various people who were there.

    Fuck this shit.

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  19. OMG What is Almanzo Wilder doing here? Manly... is that you???

    Holy fucking fuckballs, Jenny. You are on point with this one. You have me cracking up every other fuckin word.

    I love you. Mother fuckin hard you little poop nugget.

    I'll spoon you anytime in my bed. Just don't shoe squeek, or vag queef, or whatever.

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  20. In all honesty, i like your outfit!!! I wouldn't like to hear all those squeaks from your cute boots, but i would wear them if they weren't so noisy. I think you outfit is cute and i would totaly wear it but then again im just about to turn 20.. So....

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  21. Lucky you didn't end up in Oz? Have you ever sat down and read that fuckfest of a fanfic they call Wicked??? Holy fuck! It's hard to wrap your head around. It took me months to read and, I've got to say... no WONDER Dorothy wanted out of there so badly!!!

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  22. OH that shit was funny! My husband just looked over at me strangely as I sharded in my pants.

    Good to have you back. Sorry we're ALL not in Forks.

    We should all just take over the entire fucking state.

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  23. OK, so I am new to this blogging and deff new to TwiTarded...ok, that's a lie. I have been skulking here for a couple months now (sorry)! I have to tell you all that You all crack me up majorly. I am a 50 something Twi tardfanphile. I was ever sooooooo jealous reading about the adventure to Forks and all the other Happy Shit you and the other Twihos experienced!!!!!! I do say that reverently as I bow before the blackened screen.
    I think I have found a home for sure. I am not like the other 50 ish babes you know..I am a Twitard fully!
    p.s. as far as the outfit is concerned...I'm not feeling it either!
    JL

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  24. I loved all your outfits in Forks, then I saw the pic of what you wore today and I said to myself, Oh no, what did she do?

    I've had those days too. They make me sad. Not being in Forks with all of you also makes me sad.

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  25. Sorry your outfit sucked balls. Maybe you should buy a mirror.


    :)


    I must say, I love your outfit in pieces! The boots are awesome, the tights are a badass color, the dress is fucking adorable, and the cardigan keeps your arms warm.



    One week ago, we were squeeing like bitches and hugging like we were at a Twilighters Anonymous meeting. And I miss you fuckers.

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  26. Seriously - I have to stop reading this blog while Mr. Twopeas is in the room.. cause when I clutch my stomach laughing and snot starts coming out my nose cause I can't stop.... he starts to ask questions about what I'm reading... and the hubs asking questions he doesn't want answers to is never good.

    Damn to hell all squeaky shoes and all MF-ers who don't have their farecards out when getting on the subway.

    PS - Almanzo, I had a crush on you once... you were hot loading those buggies at the mill.

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  27. Your outfit would have been totally acceptable and absolutely fashion forward in Forks, or anywhere within a 1.5 hour drive radius for that matter. I wasn't in our your splendid trip, atleast not 100%, but I have been to Forks and I clearly remember wondering why in all fuckery I decided to leave WA at all.

    Remember when you gals (errr maybe just you) would joke about winning the lottery and moving all of Twitardia to Forks? Seems like a sweet ass idea right about now.

    If it's any work-shame consolation: In a fit of post drunken A.M. panic, or "old drunk" as we call it, I showed up to my job at the YMCA Camps wearing a bedazzled tight sleevless shirt that said "Rodeo" with a pair of 2 sizes too tight jeans and sparkly flip flops. I'd dug in the ARC/Goodwill pile by mistake that morning. I was sent home immediately to change.Guess you can't work with parents/kids looking like a hoor.

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  28. @JJ-Dude. I think you look cute as fuck. You can dress me any day. ;)

    And you should tase the next h00r who blocks your path in the subway. It's totally acceptable to mildly electrocute impolite bitches. I read that in "Miss Manners".

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  29. I have absolutely no fashion sense. None. I'm all about baseball jerseys, t-shirts/sweatshirts, and tennis shoes. You all saw me in Forks, for fuck's sake. I don't do dresses. You, however, are SoHo Chic. Let's just say that today you were HoBo Chic. I'm with Mary...I'd still adopt your ass.

    I keep saying this on other blogs of people I met in Forks, but it's so surreal and crazy cool to be able to picture the real you when I read your posts now. So glad I did something completely selfish and made the trip.

    Mwah!

    Lisa

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  30. Genius. And you brought it back to forks with the click of a heel.
    Twitarded is back in business folks! ..after a squeeeeeeeeeeshy hiatus.

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  31. we may as well start a Twitardeds anonymous

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  32. i actually jumped when i scrolled down and saw the lollipop guild from hell. munchkins scare the fuck out of me.

    i'm sorry you had a shitty day, that totally blows. on the bright side, your cleavage is smokin. ;)

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  33. I died. Of laughter. I seriously seriously fucking love you. Thats all.

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  34. I actually thought that was a really cute outfit, but I'm not sure if it's work appropriate. I must, however, say that I love all your outfits in Forks (the ones I saw on the photos at least). :D

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  35. Sounds like the whole day was an asshole! Don't worry,we've all had days like that.It's funny 'cause it's true :P I always see people in such cute outfits but I never think I can pull it off when I try to wear them and I end up feeling like a loser for the rest of the day. It's not my fault..I'm pretty sure the clothes are assholes as well.

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  36. RL sucks, I prefer to spend as much time as I can in the fantasy world in my head... y'know, the perfect life where your worst flaws don't exist and when you meet RPattz you become friends and then he realizes he loves you the same way you love him! C'mon now, I know I'm not the only one!!!

    LMAO@ I mean, really. It looked like Cyndi Lauper and Laura Ingalls got into a knock-down drag-out fight and my outfit was the gruesome aftermath.

    Totes agree about the annoyingness of squeaking shoes. What is with that, and why does it never happen in the store before you shell out your hard earned money for them? Grrrr.

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  37. JJ I think you look fucking adorable!!!! The thing is, YOU have to feel good about what you're wearing....and that shit happens to me all the time. Kinda like when I look in the mirror and think, "I don't look that fat" and then I see a pic of myself and I'm like, Holy shit! I'm so FAT!!!!!

    I missed out on Forks but I know if I had gone, RL would totally be kicking my ass right now! Well, it is, but even more so! LOL

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  38. Back to snorting and choking on my coffee first thing in the morning lmfao!... thanks JJ!

    I love your outfit too btw! I've had days like that... they suck donkey balls. xoxo

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  39. ...i think i have to man up and take some of the blame for that train-wreck of an outfit, jj... i might not have wanted to ply you with quite as much wine before your outfit choices had been made the previous night... and if only i had gotten you that full length mirror at target the previous week like you had asked, this could have all been avoided. but it's REALLY funny to make it's for the best???

    : )

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  40. Sorry you had a shitty day too, but I've got to say I think that outfit was cute! What the eff does that say about me, I wonder? And yes, those guys ARE terrifying. I've been postponing showing my 5 yo daughter the Wizard of Oz because of shizz like that. I don't want that in my head before I fall asleep at night. Problem is, she has red sparkly shoes and so everyone's like "Hey! Just like the Wizard of Oz!" And she just kind of looks at them like they're speaking a foreign language, which I guess they are.

    OK. In summary, I thought you looked adorbs. Mwah!

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  41. Hilarious, JJ! And today I can totally relate. My shoes are squeaky, my jeans are a titch too short and my sweater keeps riding up. I keep pulling it down to try and sit on it in the hopes of making it longer. It's not working.

    Btw, I love your stlye. And I'm a wee bit envious that you have one... I don't. My closet is a sea of boring and ho-hum. I wish Stacy and Clinton would show up at my door with a Visa card with five grand on it. I wouldn't step foot inside that f*cking 360 degree room but I would take the money and run. I've got long legs, they'd never catch me.

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  42. If you want to feel better about your outfit, head outside at lunch and look around. There will be a shitload of eyesores to make you feel better about your outfit. (Which, by the way, as a clothing designer myself I must argue that you look adorable!) However, an adorable outfit to you would have meant no hysterical post today, so I'm glad you think you look like crap because you gave us all a good larf.
    xoxo

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  43. you ladies are killing me with your sweet comments. And the snarky ones, too!

    @Cupcake Donna - I totally snorted coffee when I read "poop nugget".

    @Scarlet Charlotte - You win the outfit fail, for sure. I can't believe you got sent home!! LMAO!

    @Shipstress - You're a clothing designer?? Do you make dresses? let's chat.

    @Dippin_Dots - I used to get most of my dresses at Anthropologie. Which is ridiculously expensive.

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  44. Good Lord! What a cluster-fuck of a day...and dare I say it: it ain't over yet!

    You pic and ranting made me smile...yeah, there are definitely those days I leave the house thinking I look good, then get into the unforgiving light of day/the office and think "WTF! Was I brain dead when I looked in the mirror this morning?"

    ...and God, the squeaking shoes! Oy! Good luck with the rest of your day...yeah. Stay hidden under your desk. I know I usually stay chained to mine on days like that...heh, heh Snapping at dimwits who call with inane questions and demands, etc....

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  45. Cyndi can totally kick Laura Ingalls' ass and it would be totally hawt! You look great. Quitchyerbitchin!

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  46. I am with Girl in the South. What the hell was in the water in Forks, sap? (Get it, sappy, sap...)

    Anywho...

    At least now you have the perfect outfit ready if you want to hang in a field to scare crows.

    :>)

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  47. @JJ - My phone decided to bless me and I read this last night but couldn't comment. So instead I tweeted at your expense with @STY, and she said she'd pay me to take your pepto-bismol pink tights and your mustard colored tights. I was wondering if you could include a picture of said mustard colored tights in your next post, so I can see what I'm getting. *snickers*.

    In all seriousness though, you're hilarious JJ and I love you and your pepto pink tights!!! :)

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  48. JJ, I thought you looked waycute and cool. Tho I have had to accept, after years of resisting the truth, that in general men do not go for that look in the gotta-have-you way. But on some days and in some ways, who cares.
    HOWEVER, this reminds me that when you all headed off to Fooorks, I was waiting, dying, panting, to hear if any dudes showed up among the fans of Twitarded? (The few men I know who have bothered to go to the movies etc. have become automatic babe magnets, but the rest fucking refuse to learn.)
    So anyway, I was hoping some would be there, (or would it have ruined the dynamic?) But I guess none were?
    AND Mrs. P and others who have mentioned the log trucks, I am kinda sad to hear it was annoying. That scene at the beginning of Twilight movie, where the truck rolls by -- that's when I sigh and relax, because it's about to really begin (again).......

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  49. LMAO, JJ! Nothing sux more than going out and knowing you look like a homless person. All my damn money goes into my kids clothes so I realize, as I'm strolling through Target, that Im the only one in the store wearing fucking boot cut jeans when everyone else is squeezed into skinny jeans... no matter if you look good in them or not. *shudders* I've fallen off the fashion train unfortunately. At thins point I'm lucky I can still remember my pants.

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  50. I like the outfit. Which makes me think I should start second guessing everything I have on before leaving the house.

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  51. Yeah, I think your outfit is really fucking cute. You can make it work. Definitely not everyone can - you should be psyched that you're one of the bless`ed few. :)

    And btw, I'm totally wearing a traditional Palestinian dress today, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me. :P

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  52. yeah, RL is tough, but you make it more fun; I love that I can now picture a lot of you as I read your comments; and BTW, JJ, you'd look adorable in anything xoxo

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  53. A couple weeks ago when NYC had tornado warnings, I told Jenny Jerkface to NOT go outside. With her luck she would've been blown away to Oz and mistaken for a fucking lollipop kid and she'd never make her way back home. It's a good thing she wasn't wearing this outfit that day. We would have lost her forever.

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  54. LMAO!

    Your outfit is hella cute, @JJ.

    Some women at my office think 'business casual' means oh-good-I-get-to-wear-pajamas and those folks never ever get sent home so they keep doing it. At first I was all "WTF?" but now I kinda like it 'cause whenever I feel shitty about what I'm wearing I just seek out the pajama people and then I feel not so bad about my wardrobe choices.

    Damn it! Now I'm gonna have that farkin' lollipop guild song in my noggin' FOREVER!! And of course I'll just have to do the little dance that goes with it. Ugh!

    @Lila - totes with you 'bout "Wicked". Excellent concept, total FAIL in execution.

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  55. its been a while since i visited. and as always i can laugh at your expense.

    you had me again at "color-blind hobo on peyote." im in love again.

    and i can't wait a fucking year until BD. i just can't. time to stalk robward again. and i see you twitards went to the mothership, Forks. luuuuucky bastards. HA!

    thats all.
    xoxo

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  56. "It was as if my shoes thought the clusterfuck that was my outfit needed audio commentary or something -- *squeak squeak* "

    Damn rat bastard boots! You're too funny!

    I still haven't recovered from Fooorrkks! But I've almost caught up on all my story updates [even though I read as much as I could while I was there. I'm juggling too many works-in-progress!]

    I'm really curious . . . what did you bitches tell your boss/coworkers about where you were going last weekend?

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  57. I'm DYING to know what you have to say about Renesmee being cast.

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  58. Look at the bright side. You're excuse to dress like that is that you just came back from vaca.

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  59. I have days like that. Mostly I have days where everything is right except for a crucial item. The crucial item (the trouble-causer) is often shoes but can be any piece of clothing. When that happens, the outfit becomes a dorkfit. So close but not close enough. At my age, Chucks just don't cut it with capris. Shit.

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  60. JJ, you know I can't throw stones because of the glass mansion I live in. I frequently leave the house without looking in the mirror first. I've learned better than to trust my husband's opinion. FWIW, I thought you looked adorable.

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  61. Hey JJ my eldest is doing a project called wax museum next month where she has to portray a historical person and give a talk about that person. She has, I kid you not, chosen to be Laura Ingalls Wilder. Can you please ship that outfit out to Seattle for her to wear? It should fit my 8 year old....she is tall for her age.

    PS--I love you and your stylish ways.

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  62. Oh, JJ, my sweet - maybe I'm a lil bit biased cuz I lurve you so much, but I just want to scoop you up and hug you to pieces (which I so totes know you would rather have a sharp stick jabbed into your eye) you look adorable to me. It's been so long since I had to wear anything more fashionable than some kind of slacks and a dressy t-shirt to work (we were pretty casual where I used to work), but once when I did have to get "dressed up" to go to work, I wore 1 navy blue high heel and one black high heel (I bought 2 identical pairs of heels, 1 navy and 1 black thinking how smart I was cuz I liked the style so much). The colors didn't look different at home that morning, obviously, but they looked extremely different at the office, so I "feel you" baby girl.

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  63. And JJ, I had to wipe my nose from shooting snot out of it from laughing so hard at this post!

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