Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"Shrinkage" A Twilight FanFic One Shot

A/N: So I finally threw in the fucking towel and decided to try my hand at writing something other than blog posts. I knew my lack of focus wouldn't allow me to actually write a story with multiple chapters, so I'm sticking with the one shots. Please be gentle with me... I'm just an innocent fic-writing virgin.

Special thanks to the amazing TexasKatherine who might be the best beta to ever walk the earth. She saved me from many embarrassing grammatical errors and much ridicule. I also want to thank JJ and STY for giving me the chance to share my story with everyone!

Stephenie Meyer owns these characters. I just thank her daily for creating them so I can make them live out my fantasies.


"Shrinkage" by Latchkey Wife

I groaned as the bright sun seeped under my eyelids. I had fallen asleep on the beach again and my once perfectly-positioned umbrella was now failing miserably at its job. Fucker. Momentarily forgetting where I was, I looked around to find the beach had filled up since I claimed my spot early this morning. Everyone was taking full advantage of an unusually warm, late-September day. I was surprised the screaming children had not woken me up. Why are the damn kids always screaming? Is it some unspoken rule of the beach that all children should lose the inability to talk quietly? Fuck me.

And then I looked down. What the...? Fucked if I didn't fall asleep with my hand in my bathing suit bottoms. This had been happening a lot lately, but luckily, it was in the privacy of my own bedroom. And it always coincided with one very hot, re-occurring dream about one sexy stranger. One sexy, green-eyed, tousle-haired stranger.

I quickly glanced around to my various beach neighbors to see if anyone had noticed me sexually abusing myself. No one was throwing me any funny looks so I must be ok. I just hoped that during my erotic dream, I'd kept the writhing and moaning to a minimum. Fucking awesome, Bella, going all NC-17 on the beach. Way to go, you horny bitch. Tip for next time: more caffeine before sun bathing and no more falling asleep in public until I get these crazy dreams in check.

For weeks now almost every morning I've woken up soaked. Hand in my panties. Drenched. The most erotic dreams I’ve ever had and always with my sexy stranger. I wasn't one to remember dreams, let alone be so completely owned by them. Why did I always have to wake up just before the dream got good and steamy... just as I was starting to grind all up on his hard cock, always seconds before we both got completely naked? It was like someone was playing a cruel joke on me. Letting me get enough dreamy friction to heat me up enough to shove my hand down my own pants in public is just going too far.

I can picture him like he's standing next to me. His wild mop of streaked bronze hair I imagine shimmered in the sun. His deep green eyes were partially hidden under long, dark lashes, and he had the most amazing jaw line covered by several days of stubble. He stood just over six feet, slender but chiseled. God, I got fucking weak-kneed just thinking about him.

I shook myself out of the fantasy, blinked the sleep from my eyes and flipped over onto my stomach to do some reading. I, for some reason, had to point my head towards the ocean even though I was almost always heading somewhat downhill. I loved watching people high-step into the icy Maine water, jumping out of the way of the waves, never really able to avoid the frigid spray. I also figure if I lay on my stomach and mistakenly fall asleep, it will be much harder to get my hand back in my pants. Fuck me.

Ok, I lied. The main reason I love facing the water is for the show those French tourists put on with their banana hammock bathing suits. I giggled to myself remembering a certain episode of Seinfeld where George has issues with shrinkage in the cold water. And so did just about every dude stupid enough to venture into the freezing water here - most of them tourists, of course. Give me a break, I needed the entertainment. Or maybe I needed a better book.

Boredom set in and I was just about to pack up my things and head home when I heard a ruckus in the water. Three boys, no men, where roughhousing and splashing around in the waves. The tide was starting to get low so I couldn't see them clearly but it appeared they were tossing a football around and tackling each other in the surf. What the fuck? That water was damn cold and they were crashing around like they were in fucking Hawaii. Show offs.

I was intrigued. I've been coming to this beach for years and it's always the same old crowd. Middle-aged tourists and families. Never hot guys. If, in fact, these guys where hot, this would be a first. I threw on my skirt and headed down to the water's edge... just to wash my feet off of course... And I was treated to three of the most gorgeous men I'd seen in a very long time. But there was only one I actually really saw. I was immediately drawn into a trance by the piercing green eyes, crazy mop of copper hair, and the most sculpted, naked chest I had ever laid eyes on. I'm fairly certain my mouth was hanging completely open. Awesome Bella, way to look disinterested.

Just when I thought the “L” on my forehead couldn't get any bigger, I felt a searing pain in my nose. I had been the victim of a rogue football toss, ala Marcia Brady. "Oh my nose!" I cried out as I fell back onto the wet, hard sand, smashing the back of my head to the ground with a thud. I quickly sat up to keep the oozing blood from spreading out all over my face. Like I wasn't embarrassed enough that I essentially had been caught red-handed gawking at these god-like men, I didn't need to look like a fucking murder victim too.

I slowly pulled my hands from my face, the blood pooling in my palms, when I noticed three pairs of very large feet surrounding me. I was almost afraid to look up. Almost afraid of what must have been written all over my face. I let my eyes trail slowly up the pair of slender yet muscular legs directly in front of me. As I reached the wet, slightly snug fitting board shorts, I noticed something. A very large something. "Impossible," I muttered to myself wondering how on earth I could actually be seeing what I was seeing having just emerged from the icy water.

"Aw fuck, man, are you ok?" the husky voice called out. "Aw shit, I’m sorry. I guess we must have gotten a little carried away with our football game. Just trying to keep the feet from going numb in that freezing water.” He finished with a chuckle.

My eyes finally reached his face after stopping for a bit on a wet and stunningly gorgeous chest. I couldn't speak. I was frozen, as if I'd been the one playing in the water. Staring back at me were the piercing emerald eyes that had haunted my dreams. Ok, maybe haunted wasn't the right word for the completely erotic, wet dreams those eyes had been a part of. The wild mop of bronze-colored hair, the chiseled jaw... it was all there. Exactly as it had been in my dream.

"I can't fucking believe I just got hit in da node with a fucking football. Am I being punked? Is da real Marcia Brady hiding somewhere? Fuck me." I winced as I touched a hand to my quickly swelling nose.

The green-eyed god's two friends had taken off when they saw the blood in search of a towel to mop up the carnage my face had become. How utterly fucking embarrassing. I finally meet the man of my dreams, literally, and here I am with a nose that’s starting to swell to the size of Texas. Yay me.

"Hey listen. I'm really sorry about this. Here, let me help you up," he offered as he reached down to grab one of my bloody hands. "I fucking told my brother to stop trying to act like Tom Brady, but nooo... he always has to take it too far."

"I'd like to kick your brother in the nuts," I mumbled, accepting the strong hand and pulling myself up, never wanting to let go.

"Huh?" he asked.

"I said, you're brother sounds like a putz."

"Nah, he just gets overly excited with anything football-related," he joked. "I'm Edward, by the way. Are you here on vacation?"

"Nope," I said, popping the p for effect. "I live here year round. You?"

"We just moved into that light blue house just past that little white cottage right over there,” he replied, excitedly pointing just down the beach. “I didn't catch your name."

The house just past that little white cottage? Fuck me, I lived in the little white cottage! Mother fucker, this Adonis is my new neighbor. "I'm B-Bella.” I stuttered, trying not to look shell shocked at the idea of new neighbors. How the fuck was I going to survive with that crew living next door? Hello sweaty, dream-filled nights. I was going to need an industrial strength vibrator and a lifetime supply of batteries.

The other two friends came running back to me with damp towels to mop up my mess and some ice for my nose. Aw, I think I love these men already. "Guys, this is Bella. She lives around here. Bella, this is my brother Emmett and his um, friend Jasper."

"Nice to meet you Bella," Emmett said with a smile as he grabbed Jasper's hand. Jasper nodded, not very chatty, that one. I guess I know those two are off the market. "So since we're new in town, maybe you could show us around. Give us the lowdown on the places to go. Places to avoid," Emmett continued, obviously excited to meet a local.

"Ah sure, maybe sometime. Right now, I just gotta get home and lay down. My face is fucking throbbing," I snapped, not entirely in the mood for fucking small talk feeling my nose slowly getting bigger and bigger. I really didn't think it was broken, not from a football toss, so I decided against a trip to the emergency room.

"Can we help you get your stuff home?" Edward asked as I started walking back towards my blanket. "Do you live close by?" I could tell he felt horrible about what had just happened.

"Sure, that would be great," secretly wanting him to know I was his neighbor. "I live in that little white cottage." Wait for it... wait for it...

"No fucking way! You mean we're neighbors? Guys, she lives in the little white place," he yelled back to Emmett and Jasper as they followed behind hand in hand. Emmett raised a hand in acknowledgment. Jasper walked with his head down. Odd duck, that one. Or maybe he’s just a little shy about Emmett's obvious PDA.

We gathered up my belongings and made our way to my house. Emmett and Jasper bid a farewell and trotted back down to the beach, while Edward made sure I got settled in okay. I was desperate for a handful of Advil and a Vodka rocks right about now. I think that would make me forget all about my giant nose. And some other stuff too. It was definitely close enough to 5 o'clock!

"Do you live here alone?" Edward asked as he wandered around the cozy living room checking out the d├ęcor.

"This time of year I do," I yelled from the bathroom, desperately scouring the medicine cabinet for some sort of pain relief. "My roommate Alice has gone back to school already, she started in mid-August so she won't be back until Thanksgiving. So yes, right now it's just me."

"Really? Cool. What do you do with your days? Do you go to school too or do you work?" He asked as shot me a crooked smile that I'll admit, made me a tiny bit wet.

"I, um, well, nothing really. I'm a freelance writer so I pretty much do whatever I want." I didn't really think I needed to get into the whole where-I-got-my-money issue. Not now. I just fucking met the guy, even though I feel like I've known him for weeks. In the biblical sense anyway.

"Sounds great. Well, I don't want to overstay my welcome. I'll leave you to your painkillers and what? You're not downing those pills with straight vodka are you? Geez, Bella. Fuck, now I'm going to have to come check on you later to make sure you're not in a coma."

That's the idea my friend. I am evil.

After Edward left, I jumped in the shower to rinse off the day – the sand, the sunscreen, the dried blood – I was a fucking mess. A nice hot shower, a cold glass of Vodka and a couple dozen Advil and I was going to be in for a very nice evening. I planned on getting myself very drunk and then possibly taking advantage of me later. After being treated to dream boy today on the beach, I only hoped I was stocked up on batteries. It was going to be a long, lonely night.

The sun had set by the time I pulled my pruned ass out of the shower. The hot water finally waving its white flag as I spent long enough in the spray washing away the day to polish off a tall glass of vodka. I was feeling slightly buzzed from the one drink and the pills, and knew it wouldn’t be long before I gave into myself.

After I dried off, I felt the need to get myself a drink refill so I wrapped myself up in my towel, grabbed another vodka and flopped down on the couch to relax a minute. Man, my face was pounding from the beach injury.

I thought I heard someone knocking on the front door. Who the fuck could that be? I went to peak through the curtain to see who was interrupting my slow seduction of myself. Fuck me. It was a freshly showered, squeaky-clean Edward with a bottle of Grey Goose and a bag of groceries. Hmmm… feeling pretty sure of your self aren’t you big boy? God, I hoped he was a big boy. Game on.

I arranged the towel so it just covered all the vitals and whipped open the door. “Mike, you’re early… oh, sorry, you are definitely not Mike.”

“Oh, hey, sorry. Didn’t know you had plans tonight,” Edward said sheepishly as he backed away from the front door. He was obviously trying not to stare directly at my scantily clad figure. And I was strategically moving the towel around so I’m sure he got a glimpse or two of some privates. Not like that was my plan or anything.

“That’s cool. He’s not supposed to be here for another hour so if you wanna come in and have a quick drink, that would be great. I’m really thirsty and it looks like you came bearing gifts. I’m going to get some clothes on,” and with that I turned on my heel to head to the bedroom, leaving him my completely exposed backside as a parting gift. That will teach you for showing up at my front door unannounced.

Of course, I never had any plans with Mike, but he doesn’t have to know about that. I scurried back to my room and shut the door and called Alice. “Al, holy fuck, you have to do me a favor,” I whispered into the phone.

“Whoa, B, what the fuck is going on? Why are you being so weird?” she asked, putting on her ‘I mean business’ tone with me.

“Aw fuck me Alice. Do you remember the dreams I’ve been having lately? Those erotic fucking dreams about that hot guy?”

“Yup. What happened – did he just show up at your front door or something?”

“Um, ya, something like that. I met him on the beach today. I shit you not,” I said, still doing my best whispery voice.

“Ho-ly shit on a stick girl! So if he just showed up at the house, what the FUCK are you doing on the phone with me?”

“I need you to call me in like forty-five minutes pretending to be Mike saying he has to cancel on me tonight.”

“I don’t even want to know. OK, I’ll do it. Now go. Get you some of that.” And with that, Alice chuckled and ended the call. And I grinned my evil grin at myself in the mirror.

I quickly put on a tank top, conveniently forgetting my bra, and a jean skirt, conveniently forgetting my panties - oops, and headed back out to the living room. Edward was a resourceful one, already having mixed both of us a cocktail and made himself comfortable on my big, overstuffed couch.

“So what brings you back to my neck of the woods?” I asked as I plopped down on the couch, bringing my feet underneath me.

“I told you I’d come by and make sure you weren’t in a coma. And it just so happens, your neck of the woods borders my neck of the woods.” Oh shit, I totally forgot he said that. “But you never mentioned you had plans.” Bad Bella. Bad, bad Bella.

“Sorry ‘bout that. I totally forgot Mike and I had made arrangements to go out for drinks tonight.” Or did I have plans with Alice pretending to be Mike, pretending to be in town. I forget.

“So this Mike dude, is he your boyfriend?” he asked before taking a long pull off his vodka.

“Ha, no. Mike is definitely not my boyfriend. Not like he hasn’t tried. He’s just a guy I’ve known forever and he’s in town for a few weeks for work so we’ve been trying to get together to catch up.”

“So, do you have a boyfriend?”

Wow dude, way to get right down to business. I looked at up at him through my lashes and smiled. “Well, that’s a pretty personal question to ask a girl you only just met a few hours ago. Don’t you think?”

Edward shrugged and took another sip of his drink. He looked down at his lap, which made me look down at his lap and memories of earlier today on the beach came flooding back. Was it just a mirage I saw earlier? He shifted in his seat. Nope, not a mirage.

“What about you? Do you have a girlfriend? Since we seemed to have gotten to this stage in our relationship in light speed time. Or maybe you have a…. um… boyfriend, like your brother?”

“Definitely not. The Cullen family can only handle one queen and Emmett pretty much burst out of the closet when he was about 12, so I never had a chance,” he chuckled as looked out the window towards the beach. "Ever since we moved in a few days ago, he’s been like a little kid, staying on the beach until sunset, playing in the sand. Jasper is his latest flavor of the month. If I’m not mistaken, this is his first “relationship” and he’s still really not too sure of himself.”

I laughed out loud. “I could kinda tell when they were holding hands. He wasn’t too sure about the public display of affection.” At least they weren’t engaging in PDA with themselves like I was earlier.

“You never answered my question,” Edward said in a more serious tone.

“Wha? Oh, right. I am currently not entertaining any one specific gentleman. Why? You want to submit your resume?” Oh Bella, you dirty, dirty whore. Stop toying with him.

Edward’s eyes darkened and a sinful smirk spread across his face. I got the sudden urge to run my hands over his stubble-covered jaw, and then grab his face and press it between my braless boobs. Down girl, down. Don’t scare the poor guy away so soon.

The sex drought was starting to fuck with my brain. Check that… the sex-with-a-man drought. I’ve spent plenty of nights fucking myself silly over the past few months. Ever since Jake and I had our famous falling out. Which is fine. I seem to know how to pleasure me better than he did anyway. It was always like a grope and poke amateur night with him. And to think I thought I couldn’t do better. I was better for fuck’s sake!

Edward continued to stare at me with those fuck me eyes and that blow me grin and I couldn’t take it anymore. “Why are you looking at me like I’m something to eat?”

“Because I’m hungry,” he said continuing to hold me in a stare that was starting to make me a little wet. And with no panties, this was dangerously close to getting messy. “And your nose is all swollen which makes me think of putting raw meat on it like they do on TV, which is making me hungry.”

I quickly closed my mouth which was minutes from not only giving him a piece of my mind for calling my nose big, but also spurting out the hundreds of dirty raw meat jokes rattling around in my sick brain. I’d like to eat his raw meat. Gah, Bella, stop!

Just as I was about to say something semi crude, my phone rang. Ah Alice, always so punctual. “Hold on a sec,” I said looking at the caller ID, “it’s Mike probably calling to tell me he’s running late as usual.”

I got up from the couch and wandered into the kitchen. No need in risking Edward being able to hear Alice on the other end. “Hey Mike. What’s the good word?” I paused for effect. “Oh no, really? Are you sure? You get here so seldom… Ok, well, sorry we won’t be able to hook up," another pause, "I meant see each other you fucking asstard, not hook up! Ok, yup, safe travels. Later.”

When I turned around to head back to the living room, I nearly knocked Edward right over. He was standing right behind me. “Looks like you’re free tonight after all,” he said, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“Looks like I am. So what do you propose? Did you have any food in your bag of tricks, or were you just trying to get me drunk?”

“I honestly didn’t think I’d have to get you drunk. Looked like you were doing a pretty good job of that yourself when I left you earlier. For a small person, you seem to have an incredibly high tolerance. I think you’re trying to get me drunk. And for the record, I have all the fixings for burgers in my bag of tricks. Point me to your grill and I'll cook you some meat you’ll never forget.”

Aaaaand I think I just heard my vagina whimper. He was putting a serious flirt on, but as horny as I was, I planned on making him work his ass off for some of this ass... okay, not really. I just hoped it didn’t backfire since I had an idea of what he was working with, Vinnie the Vibrator was not going to cut it tonight.

“I’m looking forward to eating your meat.” There I said it, bad Bella can’t stay locked away forever.

Edward’s eyes widened, and then without a second thought, he replied, “I don’t think all my meat will fit in your mouth.”

Jesus fucking Christ on a Christmas morning this was going to be a long fucking night. My legs were starting to feel weak. I needed to sit down. I pointed towards the back French doors that led to the deck overlooking the beach. “The grill is on the deck. I’ll come out and keep you company while you cook your meat.” I was still so flabbergasted by his last response I couldn’t even muster up a witty or dirty comeback.

Edward fired up the grill and showed off his grill master flash skills while I sat quietly, still reeling from the meat-in-mouth comment. I needed to steer the conversation back to a harmless topic or neither one of us was going to eat meat - or at least those burgers. "So where are you from, originally?" I asked leaning back on the chaise.

"Well, Emmett and I are from Seattle originally but we both went to school in Boston and fell in love with Maine after making a couple weekend road trips here so we decided to move here after graduation. Jasper is from somewhere in Texas. He went to school in Connecticut and honestly, I'm not quite sure where he and Emmett met," Edward answered as he flipped the burgers. "What about you? Are you from Maine originally?"

I'm sure he didn't notice my mouth drop open at the mention of Seattle. "Um, well, I'm from Forks," I answered, waiting to see if he recognized the name.

"No fucking shit," he yelled as he nearly flipped the burger clear off the grill. "How fucking ironic is that? My family used to camp in the Olympic National Park every summer. We'd always go to Forks for supplies. That's hilarious!" He turned back to the grill, still shaking his head in disbelief.

I didn't say anymore. I hated talking about Forks, and since I had left long ago, I never really thought of it as home anymore. "Those burgers almost done? I'm fucking starving!" I said, trying to get him off yet another subject. Great, now there's just the subject of getting him off that I'd like to get on soon. How fast can I stuff that burger into my pie hole?

"I'd say there just about done." Edward tossed the burgers onto the plate and shut off the propane. "It's getting a bit chilly out here, maybe we should eat inside?"

"Yup, definitely. I love how this time of year it can be 85 degrees during the day here, and easily drop into the 50's by sunset." I chuckled as I led him into the kitchen and started tossing condiments onto the counter. After dressing our burgers, we went back to the living room to eat.

We sat silently as we both ravenously polished off our burgers. I felt much better with a full stomach but I wasn't quite out of the sex starved woods yet. I think I needed to up the ante a bit and see what old Eddie was all about... and what his intentions are for this evening. I got up from the couch to clear the dishes while Edward continued to sip his drink quietly. It was almost as if we were both trying to plot our next move. When I returned to the living room, it was obvious he was deep in thought.

"So tough guy," I began, crossing my arms over my chest. "You all were so brave today in that cold water... I'll be you $50 you don't have the balls to go in right now."

"Oh and like you do?" He inquired, raising his left eyebrow.

Oh it's on - no one gives me the bitch brow and lives to talk about it. "Ah ya, I think I do. I've lived her long enough to have grown a pretty hefty set of balls, Edward. I'm used to the cold water."

"What are the rules? Are we talking in full on up to the neck?" Edward was starting to look a little nervous. I'm sure not wanting to look like a giant pussy in front of me.

"I'd like to go easy on you since you're a newbie, but I'm thinking you gotta dive in, wearing just your underwear. Don't think you're going to run home and throw on a wet suit or some shit like that!" Oh Bella, you silly, silly slut. Looks like just the ploy to get a glimpse of his equipment.

"You're on there Lady Balls." Lady balls? Oh Edward, I'll show you some lady balls.

I headed into the bathroom to grab some big, fluffy towels and remembered I wasn't actually wearing any undergarments so I quickly threw on a white lace bra and panty ensemble. Smart Bella, make him see what he has to look forward to should he play his cards right. We headed down to the water's edge, the moon brightly leading our way. It was definitely bright enough to ensure there would be no doubt what type of sword Edward was wielding.

We stood silently stripping down to our delicates when I glanced over at him to see he was wearing a nice pair of tight white boxer briefs. Oh dear, looky here... I'm all wet and we haven't even made it into the water yet.

"Ready when you are, chief," I announced, resting my hands firmly on my hips.

Edward looked scared so I took this as a sign that I had this bet in the bag. "Let's do it, Lady Balls. I hope you have that crisp $50 at home waiting for me."

Aw fuck it. I took off in a sprint towards the water, high stepping it past the waves, and dove into the ice cold water. Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck, that was cold... but I needed to be cool, not give away how cold the water actually was. Instead, I calmly stood up, slicked my wet hair back out of my face and turned back towards the shoreline to see what was taking Edward so long.

He was still standing frozen in ankle deep water, staring at me, his mouth hanging open. Wow, he must be impressed with my cold water tolerance, I thought. But when I glanced down at myself, I realized that wasn't what he was staring at. Not only were my nipples so hard they could burst out of my bra at any second, I seemed to have completely lost my panties during my dive. Can you say exhibitionist?

"Hey, quit your staring. Haven't you seen a fucking half naked woman before? And stop stalling you big pussy, and get your ass in this water." No reason to be embarrassed... he was going to see me completely naked before the night was through anyway.

As Edward cautiously made it through the waves, I felt around the water surrounding me for my poor, lost panties. Sadly, they were gone. Needing to speed up his progress, I began furiously splashing in his direction. My body was pretty much numb at this point so it didn't bother me too much. Edward stopped and looked at me, his green eyes going dark, and a devious grin spreading across his face.

The next thing I knew, he was barreling towards me like a crazy man, tackling me into the waves. As we emerged from the waves, I noticed Edward still had me in a bear hug and it was not lost on me that I had no fucking panties on. But why should that matter? I'm sure in this cold ass water, his poor little pecker has found someplace to hide... right? But that was not the case. He continued to hold me close and I realized he was hard. Very hard and very large and very going to get lucky tonight.

"Whoa, Edward, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Really? You thought I could let that go?

He shook his head. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He released me from the bear hug... unfortunately, and we finally made our way out of the water to our towels. I was freezing, and remembered I was naked from the waist down. I quickly wrapped myself in a towel feeling weirdly self-conscience all of the sudden. Or maybe it was hypothermia.

"I'm sorry, this may be forward, but I have to ask. What's with the wood in the freezing cold water? Are you a fucking superhero whose special power is immunity to the shrinkage?" I stood there clutching my towel around my shivering body, waiting for his answer with bated breath.

"Are you crazy? I honestly don't think a girl has ever noticed that before. But then again, I've never hung out with a girl quite like you. You seem to just blurt out whatever's on your mind." Edward was skirting the question.

"Dude, I spend my summer days watching fat tourist guys in Speedos come out of that freezing cold water without so much as even a hint of a fucking pecker in their pants. And now here you are, freezing cold water at night no less, and no sign of shrinkage. It makes no sense to me and I'm an expert on the shrinky dinks."

Edward stepped closer to me and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Maybe you just have that effect on me."

If I had panties on, they'd have spontaneously combusted. "Maybe you'd like to put the wood to work," I countered, breathlessly. He panted lightly. I bit my lip.

He moved closer to me so that our towel swathed bodies were just barely touching yet I could still feel his considerable cock touching my stomach. My gawd I wanted to drop to my knees right there on the wet sand, but I was freezing and needed to get back to the house. How can I get him back there without losing this tension? I need to get laid tonight... by a real live dude.

We stared at each other for what seemed like eternity. Edward reached up and put his hands on my shoulders, then slowly started rubbing his hands up and down my arms. "You must be freezing," he said softly, trying to warm me with his hands. "Maybe we should take this party back up to the house."

I nodded, not able to speak for fear of what my lack of brain-to-mouth filter might allow to slip out. We walked silently side by side back up to the house. I couldn't stop myself from shivering, even after getting inside.

"I'm going to take a quick shower to rinse off the salt and try to warm up a bit." I turned on my heel and headed into the bathroom. Once under the hot water, I slowly started to warm up. My hands and feet were so cold the heat of the water felt like needles on my skin. Only needing a few minutes to rinse and warm up, I shut the water off and grabbed a towel for my hair.

I slid the shower curtain to get out and gasped at what I saw. Edward stood outside the shower, stark naked and very ready for action. Once again, my mouth gaped open. Oh Bella, you keep that mouth hanging open like that, someone's going to shove a cock in it.

"May I help you?" I joked, reaching past him to grab another towel. I was so focused on his nakedness, I had completely forgotten about my own.

He snatched my hand before it reached its destination. "Yes, I think you can," he smirked. That fucking smirk was going to be the death of me. "I thought maybe I could jump in a rinse off as well."

"Oh, sure, no problem." As I stepped out of the shower, he moved in front of me to block my exit.

"I think I meant that I could jump in with you to rinse off," he breathed, leading me back into the already steamy shower.

For the millionth time that evening, I was speechless. I silently let him usher me back under the piping hot spray. I could only stare at how beautiful every part of him was and how much I wanted to trace the lines of his body with my tongue. My eyes capturing every detail of his chest and abs and... well... As if reading my mind, he gently lifted my chin up so my eyes met his.

"Is it wrong that I've been imagining this moment every since I met you with your bloodied face earlier today?" He murmured, nearly unheard over the sound of the shower. But I heard him. And I shook my head, trying to find my words.

"No, not wrong." I managed. "Is it wrong I've been dreaming of this moment non-stop for the past month?" He would have no idea what I was talking about. And evidently he didn't care. He hesitantly brought his lips closer to mine, not sure what my reaction was going to be - even though I was standing in the shower naked with him. I didn't move. His mouth finally found mine in a soft, slow kiss that made my head spin. When he pulled away, it made me feel lost. This was not a feeling I was accustomed to having. At least not since Jake. And even he never had this effect on me.

I couldn't control myself any longer. I seized a handful of his hair and pulled him back to my lips as I crushed my naked body against his. He had ignited a fire inside me I thought had been permanently extinguished long ago. Our tongues struggling against each other, his hands frantically exploring every surface of my body.

This was so much better than the dream. Every one of my nerve endings was dancing with joy.

Edward moved his hands to either side of my face and pulled my lips from his. "Bella," he whispered.

"Shhhhh," I put my finger to his parted lips. "Don't."

His eyes darkened, he panted softly. He said nothing, only pushing me towards the back wall of my shower. I couldn't think of anything but wrapping my legs around his waist, and I needed his mouth back on me immediately.

I pulled his face back to mine, grinding my pelvis into him. He reached down and roughly grabbed the back of one thigh, hitching it up around his waist. I could feel his hard cock teasing, pressing hard against my clit. I panted fast into his mouth as he continued to assault me with his tongue. The hand that wasn't holding my leg in place roughly massaged my breast. Sensing my anxiousness he released my boob and hoisted the other leg so I was finally where I longed to be. His cock now teasing my entrance.

Edward pulled away from my lips and buried his face between my tits. If I hadn't been leaning up against marble tile, I would have thrown my head back in ecstasy. Instead I continued to grind as much as I could from the position I was in. He continued to drive me harder into the wall, the tip of his monster cock working its way into my desperately wet pussy. I ravaged his hair with my hands as his mouth continued its plundering of my breasts. The stubble hurt so good.

"Edward, please, now," I begged, the fire between my legs too much to bear any longer.

Without another word between us, he lowered me down and entered my aching vagina, slowly pumping as he gazed into my eyes which were threatening to roll back in my head at any minute. This was the first human pecker I've had in me in a long time and I needed it to last... and last it did... through an entire tank of hot water.

As the water started to turn cold, I screamed out his name as we rode out our orgasms together. As I slumped against his shoulder, he carefully released my wobbly legs back down to the floor, but still held my swaying body in place.

He opened his mouth to say something when I heard someone banging on the front door like the place was on fire. "Ignore it," he pleaded as he still stood in front of me, leaning against the shower wall, one hand on either side of my head.

"Gladly," I replied as I pulled his face back down to me. But the banging wouldn't stop and now whoever was outside was frantically yelling my name.

"Bella! Bellaaaaaaaa! Are you in there?" The voice sounded vaguely familiar. I turned to duck under Edward's arm and out of the shower and I woke up, well actually, I nearly nap jerked myself clean off the couch.

I looked around confused, I was alone, face down, passed out on the couch in a big puddle of drool. What the fuck just happened? I surveyed the living room. The sun had completely set and it was now pitch dark. I got up to turn on the light and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror finding myself still clad in just my bath towel. Not to mention I had fallen asleep with wet hair which was now looking very Scissorhands-ish. And my nose... Oh, my nose. The bruising had started to spread under both eyes making me look like I just went a few rounds with Mike Tyson.

These fucking dreams had to stop. And now that I had actually met the man of my dreams, it looked to be getting worse. And then I heard the banging on the door again.

"Bella, please, open the door. I need to know you're ok," the voice pleaded.

Oh well, there was really nothing I could do to my appearance right now to make this any better, so here goes nothing. I pulled the door open to find Edward, showered, dressed in jeans, a white t-shirt and flip flops, carrying a bag of groceries.

"Jesus, it took you long enough to answer the door... ah, what have you been doing? Are you okay?" He asked, obviously concerned by my disheveled appearance.

I couldn't fucking believe I dreamed the entire, erotic shower scene. My face was throbbing and my buzz had completely worn off which made me just want to sit on the floor and cry.

"Um sorry, I guess I must have fallen asleep on the couch after my shower." I replied disappointedly.

"I told you I was coming over to check up on you. I really didn't need for you to drink yourself into a black out and choke on your own vomit." Awww, he's like the sweetest guy ever.

"Thanks dude, I appreciate it. Come on in... whacha got in the bag?" I asked, trying to peek into it.

He pulled it away from me like a 6 year old. "For you information, I brought over some burgers since I didn't think you had any plans to eat. So I thought I'd cook you up some juicy meat."

Oh gawd, here we go again. I pinched myself to make sure I was really awake this time.

The End.

Rob on the beach... yum! I need to dream this every night.


  1. That was fuckin' hilarious! Good job! Nicely done!

  2. Eeek! I'm so glad you posted this finally! Love you, bb! You know I think you're awesome.

  3. “I don’t think all my meat will fit in your mouth.” - priceless!

  4. I fucking love Ballsy Bella!

    My favorite...the "blow me grin".

    Bravo LKW.

  5. You cock gobbling h00r! I totally thought the shower scene was actually happening! You wrote it well enough that I never even thought that it was all made up.

    It was excellent! Fantastic work! Keep writing!

  6. Haha! LKW that was so good. I agree with Missmalarky, this is one of the best lines, "I don't think all my meat will fit in your mouth." ROFLMA!

  7. That was great LKW!
    Had no idea Lady Balls Bella was dreaming.
    Keep it know we want more!

  8. You gotta keep going with this! That was fucking awsome!
    My god that was hot!

  9. Look at you, you brave ass bitch, you! Posting your O/S like a badass! I must say, I love that it was funny. I think I would have been disappointed if you put out a heavy piece as your first for the masses. Probably because I've met you, I lurv you, and since you're one of the funniest chicks I know, I would have felt gypped.

    Maine, huh? Watch me...this is my surprised face. Yup. I do wish I could wake up on the beach with my hand in my suit, though. Shit was hot. I fraking loved Emmett being a flashy Jasper-lover. Especially for a one shot, you did a great job developing your minor characters! And the football-to-the-nose scene? Priceless. I was laughing so hard! Of course that shit happens to Bella. Natch!

    “I don’t think all my meat will fit in your mouth.” I honestly couldn't decide if I should laugh or hit 'pause' to enjoy the visual. Ugh...Give it a shot baby, you don't know until you try. And uh...That was one lemony lemon, Latchy! Pardon me while I re-read it a few times. Huzzah!

    I couldn't help but notice you said "I'm sticking with the one shots." shots...PLURAL? Can't wait to see what else you got rollin' around in that pretty little brain of yours!

    *high five* This was great!

  10. "That's the idea my friend. I am evil." <-Nice!

    Great job LKW! :)

  11. Nice work LKW!

    Loved it. Two things especially:
    1. Gay Emmett. Priceless, picturing him as a queen right now.
    2. "Meat". Buahahahaha.

    Keep 'em coming! (literally). x

  12. HA - innocent and virgin are two words I never thought to hear you described as! *insert evil laugh*

    now off to read your story!

  13. loves it!! LMAO@ “I don’t think all my meat will fit in your mouth.”

    mmmmm Beachward!

  14. Got a good coupla guffaaws in from that. Thanx! Now, write on...

  15. Well done LKW! I loved it!!!! Great take on the characters (gay Emmett bwahahahaha!).

    You can really write!!

    Keep on keeping on...

    CC x

  16. Nice way of losing your FF virginity!! LOVE IT!!

  17. love Love LOVED it!! Write on LKW! : ) xoxo

  18. LKW you have to be one of the funniest women on earth. You need to quit your day job.

    The 'meat' comment already mentioned made me chuckle out loud and then the 'shrinky dinks' comment. I will never be able to look at a kid's craft version of shrinky dinks ever again... I will be picturing Bella watching men in speedos.

    I love the way you write. Makes me smile. Keep it up! (literally).

  19. LKW - 1) I love it. Hot, hilarious and just brilliant.

    2) I was honestly just wondering this morning (I'm UK so my timezones are messed compared to you) about whether I should post MY one-shot that I wrote on my blog, but was scared to do it... then you posted yours!!! You are my inspiration woman!!

    3) Dream sequences rock. Except when you wake up in the middle of mind blowing sex.

    And also.... gotta just point out that my word verification for this comment is "sulut". Like su-lut! How fucking appropriate is that??


  20. LKW - LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!! That was a great first one shot and can't wait to read the next ones you come out with since I too, noticed that you said "shots" plural!

    I love the fact you set it in Maine - you gotta give us something up here! Your descriptions of the tourists in their banana hammocks can only be Old Orchard Beach and the Canadian old men (no offense to anyone from Canada!) but here in Miane, they all flock to OOB and ALL wear their hammocks, regardless of age! :)

    *clap,clap* Bravo girl!

  21. that was GREAT! please don't let this be your one and only. Well done. :)

  22. OMG, you guys! You're making my heart (and head) swell! Love you all for all the awesomely encouraging comments. Hopefully this winter when it's cold and snowy, I'll have more time to pound out a few more one shots... maybe Edward and Bella will have to go skiing or snowmobiling or something equally Maine-y like that! Really, I can't tell you what it means to me to read these positive comments. And I'm glad I could make you chuckle. *mwah*

  23. A belated thanks! It takes a brave one to try this, and the result was great. Your pacing was perfection.
    I love it when the action swings back to the East Coast, too. Makes it all that easier to imagine.

  24. Yeah @LKW. You rocked it girl! You are most definetly my fucking hero! I loved it...especially gaymet. Total crackup.

  25. I love this Bella! Awesome o/s LKW. But, if we got more stories of these two that would even better. (hint, hint) I like the idea of Bella trying to ski. That would be something to, read.

  26. Squeeeeeeeee! I love it! Keep writing, Lady! XO

  27. Loved it! That was a hell of a debut chica! Keep writing! :)

  28. Nice job, LKW! I enjoyed that! No shrinkage, only Edward would have a magical dick that doesn't shrink!

  29. Very funny, @LKW! I always love a take-no-shit Bella and the Emmett/Jasper pairing?? Genius! Poor little shy, uncertain Jasper. LOL!

    Congrats on your first fanfic! You got lady balls for sure!

  30. Awesome job!!!!!!! Loved it!

  31. You HAVE to keep writing fanfic. Seriously woman, u have some talent for it. Maybe it's your dirty mind. And your sarcasm. Or both probably but that shit was good. I was bummed that it ended (thats what she said) and want to find out what really happens between Beachward and Bella.

  32. Omg!! This was friggin amazing! Keep writing, I need more!!!

  33. ohmygod!! keep writing this story! It's amazing! oh and i love the fact that Emmett is gay...and with Jasper. This story just made my shitty day:)

  34. well THANKS lkw for making me the only writer of this blog who hasn't written any fanfic! but you totally made it worth it - i'm so glad you got this out of your dirty little head and into our dirty little blog so that everyone could share. i NEED to have a dream like this - yowza!

    congrats, bb - this was such a fun, smexy romp! hope the rest of their evening was every bit as good as the one she dreamed up in her painkiller-induced state - lol!

  35. @STY, what are you waiting for?! I know you've got some dirty fantasies you want to live out in Fic form and share with all of us! :)

  36. LKW that was fuckin awesome!!! Good job lady!!!

  37. Yay! I am so proud of you! Now quit your day job and come live in Seattle with me. You can sleep on a certain couch that POTUS' bum was on. ;-)

  38. LKW! Your one shot had just the right mix of funny and smutty. I totally didn't expect it to simply be a dream. Maybe I'll have one of those elusive ones tonight. I so want to move near the ocean too.

    These made me giggle enough that I woke up my sister in the other room:

    "I planned on getting myself very drunk and then possibly taking advantage of me later."

    "I went to peak through the curtain to see who was interrupting my slow seduction of myself."

    "'The Cullen family can only handle one queen and Emmett pretty much burst out of the closet when he was about 12, so I never had a chance.'"

    “'I don’t think all my meat will fit in your mouth.'”

    "Oh Bella, you keep that mouth hanging open like that, someone's going to shove a cock in it."

    And "Lady Balls"?! Haha...I'm storing that in my arsenal. I'm excited to see what else you have to share! :)

  39. Please keep writing...that was awesome & freakin' hilarious!!!!!

  40. OME, that was sooo good! I loved it, tx so much for sharing :)

  41. LMAO, girl, you are so dirty and I love you for this, among so many other reasons. Sorry it took me so long to finally read this! I LOLed the whole time reading it - had to shut my office door! Well done, h00r. xoxo

  42. I didn't even realize this went up. Color me FAIL. Luckily, Jaymes805 had my back and told me about it. Also luckily, my husband should be home momentarily. He won't know what hit him. ;)

    This was soooo hot and funny at once, and that is my favorite kind of FF! Good work, lady!

  43. OME, that was sooo good! I loved it, tx so much for sharing :)

  44. well THANKS lkw for making me the only writer of this blog who hasn't written any fanfic! but you totally made it worth it - i'm so glad you got this out of your dirty little head and into our dirty little blog so that everyone could share. i NEED to have a dream like this - yowza!

    congrats, bb - this was such a fun, smexy romp! hope the rest of their evening was every bit as good as the one she dreamed up in her painkiller-induced state - lol!

  45. Omg!! This was friggin amazing! Keep writing, I need more!!!

  46. Squeeeeeeeee! I love it! Keep writing, Lady! XO


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