Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Singlehanded Sexy Times

WARNING - If I share an office space or DNA with you, please turn back now. If you don't, and you bring this up in polite conversation, I'm going to announce very loudly (so everyone can hear) that you like to stick pens slathered in hot sauce up your poophole. I'm not joking. Don't test me. Now, shoo.

Holy shit. I think I actually grossed myself out. Huh.

I'm in the mood to discuss self-love today. You know, flickin' the bean, clicking the mouse, playing solitaire, beating the beaver. We're talking good 'ol masturbation, folks.

I love self-love. I can't recall exactly when I discovered that touching myself was pleasurable but it was before I started smoking cigarettes so I was pretty young. And smoking trumped everything for me in the pleasure department--well, until I discovered pot and penis (but not at the same time). Plus, you can smoke anywhere. I'm pretty sure there are laws in effect that prevent you from diddling your nub in public.

I'm buying this for the next time we go to ML's parents' house...

The first time I had an orgasm I thought I was dying or broke something -- like my vagina. It was definitely one of the biggest WHAT-THE-FUCK-JUST-HAPPENED?!?!?! moments of my young life. I suppose I should have paid attention in Sex Ed but I was totally traumatized by the "birthing" movie and was basically scarred for life. I guess I just stopped focusing after that fateful day because I seriously don't recall them ever mentioning anything about women having orgasms. Guy, yes. Girls, no.

Eventually, I realized that I didn't break anything and I wasn't going to die. Everything was going to be okay.

You must have been so scared, JJ. I would have comforted you. With my cock.

In fact, that shit was more than okay. It was fucking amaaaaaaazing. And I spent a lot of my teenage years humping my hand.

Shit, I had a point to this post. Anyhoo, there are various reasons why people masturbate.

Personally, I can only think of two reasons why I masturbate: when I'm horny or when I'm bored as fuck. Procrastibation, if you will.

Usually it's nice to draw the self-lovin' sessions out--you know, imagine you're in Fifty Shade's RROP, or whatever gets your boat going. Sometimes, it's really just about reaching that awesome big O. Quickly. Like, you're bored and there is a band downstairs practicing and you want to get off before they finish the song, just in case they suddenly decide they need to use the upstairs bathroom or something. Everyone has a moment like that. Right? Moving on...

It's like this, but in my pants. Minus the antifreeze, natch. And the pickup truck.

I'm pretty sure this goes out without saying, but I have toys. A few of them. They don't really differ too much; some are loud, some are small, but they are all basically robotic penises that have one job and one job only: to get me off.

Recently, I got a toy through the Eden Fantasys Ambassador Program that I really like because...that fucker is efficient.

It's called the IVibe Pocket Rocket (in pink, though I'm still baffled why vibrators come in colors).
Like they say - it's not size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean. This is small but it does its job well.

I think this is considered a clitoral stimulator rather than an actual cave-dwelling vibrator. Apparently one of the pros of this thing is that you can stick it in your pocket (thus the "pocket rocket" part of the name) but, like having different colors, this kind of baffles me. Every once in awhile one of my vibrators goes off in the drawer and then it sounds like I stuffed a lawn mower in there. I can't imagine trying to explain to your boss or in-laws why your purse is vibrating across the desk or kitchen floor.

Even worse -- your cat discovering it. Or something close to it. Actually, that shit is just funny...

Incidentally, the last time I used this nifty little O-inducing contraption, someone decided to power up a wood chipper at the same time I switched the iVibe on. Scared the fucking shit out of me, because I was all holy-shit-that's-loud-and-sounds-violent-is-it-coming-from-this-thingy-I'm-about-to-introduce-to-my-cooter???

Anyway. I'm sure you all have your toys and you all have your habits -- so dish. I can't be the only one who spaced out in Sex Ed class and thought I was having a stroke the first time I came. And I know there are a plethora of fun gadgets out there for those of us that are part of the Bearded Clam Clan. Or something as equally as cheesy.

Be a slut. Give it up.


  1. I'll go....and if anyone in my family sees this, then they should have been warned by your post in the first place to not read it!

    I have 1 regular joe shmoe vibrator and it's....

    sparkly and white!!!

    I've had it for 7 years, it's the old faithful.

    btw, try watching that cat video while reading your paragraph underneath it about the wood chipper. LAUGHING AND CRYING at the same time- effing hilarious!

  2. Get. Out. I can't even write I'm laughing so hard. Woodchipper..... AHHHHH!!!!!

    I'll be back later. After I've rubbed one off & can stop laughing.

    xo (and by O I mean lots of OOOOOOO's)

    PS - have yall not heard my whinings on Twitter about how I think Dyson should just go ahead & start making vibes? CAN YOU IMAGINE THE POWER? THE QUALITY? THE DESIIIIIIIIGN? (sorry, the designer in me just gets off on good design. very appropros in this case!) I mean, it gives whole new meaning to "Dyson Handheld" or all the marketing opportunities "she went from suck...to blow!!!!" Anyway, if any of you bitches steal my idea & pitch it to the lovely folks over at Dyson, I'll put a pox on all your vibes from here on out. Got it?

  3. I love masturbating...I wish I could put it on my resume. I'm not one for drawing my solo sessions out. I like to get in get out all while DH is in the shower and is completely unawares. I've got a variety of toys and even had a toy party for my bachelorette party.
    I should have stock in duracell...

    I love going to good vibrations. That is one of my pro-woman sex toy shops.

    Excellent post JJ!

  4. Anntastic -you know I'm ready to sign that petition before you send it to Dyson.

    I need something with a lifetime guarantee....because I just recently had my "old faithful" bite the dust? WTF? Who knew that could happen????? So now I have backups, yes, that was plural. Now if I kick the bucket, Laxplays (who is my shovel buddy upon death) is going to have us a freaking wagon to collect and dump all my shit.

  5. Can I just say that a friend of mine recently broke hers......over use. Anyhow, I won't say who....since she happens to be my *shovel buddy* and I hers. Yep, in case of our untimely deaths, we have agreed to empty the evidence before prying eyes (parents, local priest, gardener, cleaner, doctor, check-out person at local supermarket, Starbuck's dude etc.) find the battery operated devices and our supposed angelic personas are busted to high heaven.


  6. Err, @AGirlintheSouth did ur toy break recently?!! Wow, I must have been talking about somebody else.

  7. @Anntastic23 - Love the Dyson idea. I'm in.

    Ironically, I decided to check Twitarded real quick before I did some self-lovin'. You bet your ass I didn't bet on this post, fo so. So my comment won't be long.

    I've been known to steal batteries out of the remote on occasion. Pisses the hubs off. Not sure if it's because the remote won't work or because he didn't enjoy the show. But I'm guessing it's the former.

    I use my old faithful bullet these days. Though I'm in the market (hubs is in Afghanistan) for something new.

    Get the fuck out - my word verification is "culans"!

  8. I have a special feeling this won't be my only post on this particular thread. This blog just gets better n' better!
    I had my 1st Oh in my late teens with the Magic Wand. I think I may have thought I'd already had some before, but at that moment, it was clear that I had been very, very mistaken. Me & that colossal massager had us some good ol times.
    Then in my 20's, there was a renaissance period where I could come from a stiff breeze. Rockin G Spot cumsplosions that actually led curvy-cock boy to COMPLAIN that I was too fast. (???!)
    Well, those days are long gone, and I've settled down with a kind & handsome man with a tool straight enough to be used for architectural drafting, So, we got us one a' dem lovely Magic Wands. We even got that funny , blue, Gonzo add-on contraption Samantha had on Sex & The City. But the action's just too high to have an appendage rocking off the side of that baby.
    Darling husband surprised me once with a special order glass cock, encased in a padded red velvet sack. You can heat it, chill it, grease it, bang your ol lady over the head with it. But I just can't go for being rammed with something that large & hard. (Don't worry, I would make an exception for you, Rob). But I can't exactly re-gift the thing. So it's been gathering dust in the bedside table for years. Awaiting it's day of glory when my son is older, a snooping pre-teen, and unwittingly comes upon it, and learns that some things can never be un-seen.

  9. I def slept through Health class. Like, I almost failed from the literal sleeping. My teacher (the baseball coach, natch) took pity on me & gave me a C. I realized how badly I shot myself in the foot as I didn't know how to offer him sexual favors for a passing grade since I slept through the sex ed class. Doh!

  10. Hmmmm skipped out of sex Ed cause I heard we were going to practice putting condoms on bananas. I'd rather get high than put a damn condom on a banana! So that's what I did.
    I have several toys in my personal collection. Ones that have survived over the years, accidentally broke a couple. I guess they had a weak point as they were the ones that had two different sections in the plastic. Even had one where the top three inches would pump up and down. That one didnt survive long, one good clench and that sucker died an early death. My personal favorite is a little one that looks like lipstick, so you can hide it in plain sight.
    I use to work with a woman who got creeped out everytime we talked vibrators. So we gave her one for her next birthday. Funny she wasn't so creeped out by them after than and a lot less bitchy.

  11. First I have to point out this perfect word: Procrastibation!!

    Then I will point out that I have no toys and I would have no idea what to get - but I admit to considering something. I am bored with my old ways LOL!!!

    So please if you have a second when you post your comment - can you add a suggestion or two?? ;)

    wv: jackgjjj - really??

  12. @dangrdafne - you need to go to a party where a nice funny lady & your friends can demonstrate &/or explain what does what.

    Back in the olden days when I was in health class, they only talked about boys masturbating. We never got the condom demonstrations. To this day, I wouldn't know how to work a condom if not for fanfiction. I've never seen one in RL (outside of the box in the drugstore)!

    I buy my batteries in bulk at BJs and I have worn out several different favorite toys. I think I'm wearing out my hoochie, too!

    And the other night I sunk to a new level in debauchery. I didn't think I was that bendy!

  13. PMSL great post!!!

    @laxplays I have a "shovel buddy" but didn't know there was a name to label her. I finally recruited her just last week, no seriously, I had a flash of irrational panic of dying and someone finding my stash.
    PS: My shovel buddy doesn't actually need me to be her shovel buddy... she sells sex toys so it wouldn't be surprising for her fam to find her stuff lol.

  14. Similar thing happened to me. Found out that orgasms felt really good without knowing what they were. I was really young, in elementary school. My parents never talked to me about sex and we didn't have much in the sex ed department until about 8th grade when our teacher explained masterbating to us, and how to do it. I used to do it a lot as a teen, mostly due to boredom. I never used any toys, though. I honestly don't know much about them.

    I have been married now for 7 seven years and probably have only done it about a dozen times since then. Only if I'm really desperate and hubby isn't around. Now that I have him, I don't need to take care of anything myself.

  15. @Living with Edward, your DH takes care of all your needs? I'm shocked! I like masturbating because it helps me know myself and what I like better and it makes sexing with the spouse so much better.

    @Dangrdafne a basic bullet vibe is always a good start. I think it's best to start out smaller and work your way up to the vibes that plug into the wall or are gas powered.

  16. zOMG, JJ, you are a h00t! Loved the video...

    I once got a pamphlet in Health class that included this on masturbation: "There's nothing wrong with solo sex."

    2 words for DangrDafne: shower massage:)

  17. I discovered masturbating in the bath tub at quite a young age. Before I was 11 just not sure exact.

    I used to pretend the washrag was a shark and it was coming to bite my "bait".
    Oh the sweet memories...

  18. Ok...I'm sorry, but I just have to throw this out there: I couldn't think of anything but making "masturbation" fit this. I'll work on it. I started fiddling to my own tune around 8. Squiggle Wiggle Writers, baby! aka My First Vibe. ...I feel that I have shared this before... I can get myself off in 30 seconds or less if I really want to, and I often do. Sometimes you just wanna reach the peak, ya know?

    *Sigh* Masturbation. My first true love. And probably my last. With a man in the mix for a majority of those middle years. And puh-lease. Like you have to tell me to be a slut. Come on. Kettle? How's it goin'?! I'm pot! Got a mirror? OH WAIT!!! That's riiiiiight. You don't own one of those!!

    So what, you wanna talk about masturbating? Let's talk about how AWESOME my new mattress is. It's one of those Beauty Rest individually wrapped coils things where you can't feel the person on the other side. Yeah. So if Lindsay Rae can't get to sleep....These digits were made for dancin', and down my pants they'll go. And one of these days these digits are gonna get me off fo sho.

    But I totes sprained my wrist this weekend, and I was on LEFT HAND duty. As a Righty. It took 2x as long to do anything "productive."


    Ok this is seriously one of the funniest posts you have had in a while.

    I used to have a vibrator but threw it away when I moved in with my s/o...wtf was I thinking? He's pretty good about taking care of me, but our schedules are so random sometimes.

    In all honesty...my fingers are my fave. Sometimes I got weeks without doing it and sometimes it's every other day...but that's rare.

    xo J

  20. Why.. what is this.. *sounds it out real slow* maaasterbaating(?) you speak of??? *mock horror* *tries to feign an appalled expression* *fails miserably*

    1st off, I want that shirt! I could wear it to class on exam day! Yeh, that'd take big ole (proverbial) balls. Okay I wouldn't wear it in public but I'd like to see the bf's face when I'm turning in for the night, wearing that sucker.

    2nd, *cocks head to side* *stares off into space* I remember as if it were just yesterday when me and my hand held shower head became SSBFFS (super secret bffs). Ah the nostalgia lol. Think I was 14, 15(?) when I discovered the majestic unicorn, I dunno. But let's just say that first summer I had a new appreciation for our hard water pressure, the water bill skyrocketed, and I was always suspiciously clean as a whistle.. err.. or dirty, depending on how you look at it ;)

    And JJ, luff your euphemisms- esp "Procrastibation".. Incidentally, that is one of my favourite passed times and now it has a name bwahahaha! I'll have to see if I can squeeze that into everyday conversation. Another favourite- "jilling off" (MOBS).

    Lawrd.. the things I admit here.. I may have to delete this later...

  21. Well, sad but true story: my hymen grew back a couple years ago due to the Sahara Desert of all sexual droughts so OF COURSE I fucking masturbate or I'd be really bitchy. (Bitchier.) I used to have a great collection of toys because I *cough*sold them*cough* mistook a Fuckerware party for a Tupperware party & over-ordered. Now I only have one that someone thought was a funny gift - it's huge and LOOKS like the real thing with textured rubber 'head' cover. If minipetals stumbles across it there ain't no way I'm convincing her it's a deformed flashlight:-/ Thanks for the link, JJ - I'll be looking into that before there's an 'incident.'

  22. Well done JJ. I'm a Procrastibator too and I'm not afraid to say it out loud. *looks around worriedly* If I'm not getting any and I'm as horny as hell I whip out one of my friends quick smart otherwise I'm a cranky bitch.
    My first accidental pleasure memory would be climbing the supporting poles of the school toilets and enjoying the wonderful sensation as I clung to it. I tried it a few times but was oblivious to what it all meant.
    I wasn't really into self love, I did try it a few times but found it a pain in the arse as I shared a room and really didn't need to as I was getting what I wanted from my bf. I was never shy about getting what I wanted!
    Anyway, a few years ago I was going through a drought and bought my first vibrator and haven't looked back. I recently bought another one that has a more 'real' look and feel to it as well as a few other thigh clenching gadgets. No 'shovel buddy' needed here as my DH loves my toys and would ensure my sainthood is kept intact.
    @Luxie - I too like the term 'jilling' - loved MoBS

  23. condoms fit on a banana? no way! My sex ed just_taught me about periods, baby making and not letting your bf beat you. The word/topic of masturbation was never even brought up. I think I was 10, 11? the first time I had an "O" I thought I was dying too! Lol
    Good ol' mrs.right hand works just_fine so no pretty in pink toys for me...yet.

  24. Hell yes I partake in some self-lurve... us single gals gotta get some good times too.

    I usually need a bit of a story in my head to *ahem* get ready, so it's not really a real quick affair. I used to be a frequent visitor to literotica dot com and I can remember just after finishing the Twilight saga for the first time, I searched that site to see if there were any stories based from popular fiction. Oh how innocent I was.

    After falling down the rabbit hole into the world of fanfic, I have had to replace my ole' faithful. I have this fantastic new model, silicon, and AWESOME. I too need shares in duracell. The sales lady told me that apparently using rechargables in vibes isn't good because they're too powerful - anyone know if there's any substance to that?

    I discovered my bean quite late in life - but ooh when I did, fun times. And as much as I love my toys, I sometimes love my fingers more. Although always stretch, ladies, tight muscles in your hand and up your arm at work aren't comfortable - the old 'using my mouse too much at work' excuse doesn't really cut it, in my job anyways.

    Right, if you'll excuse me, I've *ahem* got some business to attend to.

    Oh, and if anyone knows any single hot guys, send 'em my way. The real thing would be nice once in a while.

    W/V - peami. Oh, alright then. Although I prefer to think of it as a bean.

  25. Thank You for making me laugh so hard. Speaking of hard. Mr TM have accumulated a number toys over the years that we theoretically use on each other. Can you beleive we we actually had time/energy for that stuff before being "blessed" with my second child who should be the poster child for ADHHHHHHHHD.

  26. unfortunaly i get better os when i do it myself as well as many other things... thinking of getting a divorce, i mean why am i with the guy if he can't make me cum?? comfort?major lazynesss, the kid?? what should i do??

  27. I didn't do it till college. I've never looked back. I'm defintely one to do it out of boredom, and probably way more since ff.

  28. I've had this pervy thought for some time, and wonder if anyone else had as well. When I read the Twilight books, it occurred to me that with his strength and, {ahem}, speed, that Edward and his peen would make a perfect vibrator. Maybe Bella caught some of that at Isle Esme???

  29. @JJ this is why i love you. you're so dayum funny (and honest!)

    gawd the things i'm willing to admit in cyber space. yeah- the first time i thought i was dying too. toys- not my thing personally, but maybe i just haven't found the right one.

  30. Sadly, I have to go anonymous for this - I have a friend in RL who likes to lurk here and bring up the "saucier" things I say in randomly inappropriate situations (like otherwise-civilized dinner parties). Fun times.

    I LOVE the term "procrastibation"! I've succumbed to that a time or two, fo sho. I actually never discovered the self love until a boy got me off. (And then, like most things, I thought, "Fuck this, who needs you? I can do that shit myself.") I envy LwE that her husband takes such good care of her needs - like a lot of the other comments, mine doesn't know what I do, and I can be quite quick about getting the job done (I could probably teach him a thing or two). I have a toy, but haven't used it in a long time - the sound would give me away, and I prefer to have "quiet time." :)

    Another excellent post, JJ! I love to come here and find out you all are just like me. :)

    @DangrDafne - you need to go to a Pure Romance party. They'll hook you up, and they're super fun!

  31. I think every lady should know how to remedy those "dry" spells in the bedroom. Hubby and I have a small collection - a book of Playboy stories that are fun to read to each other and a few "BOB"s (Battery Operated Buddy). My hubby knows that there are times I need to take care of myself, who doesn't?

    Like I_heart_fifty, I discovered my "bean" later in life too but now I'm surprised the damn thing hasn't fallen off! LMAO!

    @DangrDafne - go with the "Rabbit" - it may look weird but 2 minutes with that and you'll be all set! :)

  32. LMAO!!! I love you JJ!!!

    Yes, I am a frequent self-luvr. It helped in the times when I was single and, more recently, when my husband was working an evening shift. I'd be at home, reading smutty fanfic and getting all riled up. I can get off with physical stimulation alone but it is always better if I have a nice story to ramp it up. I rarely use my toys when I'm alone though. They are usually reserved for marathon sexy times with my hubs. DP using a toy = pure magic. Lawd!!! The things we reveal here!! And I do find that getting myself off is the ultimate stress reliever. It's almost like meditation or self-guided hypnosis, only with BB or FIfty along for the ride. Soooooooo good.....

  33. JJ quit dazzling us...stop...don't...stop...uh wait.

    To get to the other side


  34. OMF-ingG. Go read my comment #67 on LKW's previous post and now you will all know why I am in SOOOO much trouble with this post. lol.

    So suffice to say I had never even heard of a shovel buddy (god, I am so freaking niave!). But now I am having visions of hubs and I getting squashed in a major car crash and my poor mother (or OH THE HORROR - my father) opening our nightstand drawer. Oh lord. (*off to walk the streets in search of a friend with a shovel!*)

    Seriously. This is why I love this blog. It's just like Kristen describes Rob - can't lie and has to be constantly honest. =)

    Seriously - this shit is like postpartum depression... why can't everyone just talk about it! Well... apparently we can. (Well, I can't... till I'm sure the hubs isn't lurking anymore out of desperate curiousity! 'Anonymous' I feel your pain!)

    Wait, I should say something REALLY naughty to TEST him and see if he's being a stalker.

  35. Your cat playing with a vibrator reminded me of this awesome Ikea commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VtzSDI8u2o

  36. Oh muh gawd.I love you guys! I've been loving myself since around 8th grade or so. And yes, the first time I had an orgasm I thought I had gravely injured myself. After talking to a friend a figured out what it was.

    DH was a virgin when we got together, and I am a dirty slut, so I have had to teach him, and sometimes he only gets an A for effort. So I still practice regular self-love. Only he doesn't know that. Alas, I don't have any toys, but I really need to invest in some for those cold, lonely nights he works late and I am reading Fifty Shades ;)

  37. @Twime - no, you aren't the only one who had that pervy thought, although I was thinking more along the lines of Edward's super vampire speed and his tongue or his fingers for alil clit work....mmm...

    ok so anyways the sex ed classes I had never ever ever discussed the female orgasm, I didn't even know what it was until I was like 11 or 12 and found my dad's stash of old 70's porn movies...needless to say I was intriuged. So, in the name of "research" I decided to recreate the candleshop scene from Debbie Does Dallas, if you've ever seen the movie I'm sure you know what I'm talkin about..and if not...well the candles were used as stand in's for the peen... we always had taper candles in the house and it needed to be tested.I didn't get the big deal, more research was necessary.
    The next day I went to the library, got a book about sexual health from the "teen" section and went into the public restroom where I proceeded to "school" myself for 20 min or so with anatomical charts and the mirror from my compact(wow I can't believe I just admitted to that..you ladies should think of taking up jobs for the govt as investigators or some shit...)But..mission accomplished. After that I spent a good portion of my early teens "in the shower".(lol @ Luxie, we had the handheld showerhead with great pressure as well)
    I've been with my hubs since I was 15 (I'm 30 now) and we didn't introduce toys till about 5 years ago, because I swear my husband was a lesbian in his last life.

    Unfortunately, my hubs is jealous even of my on call cocks and keeps them locked up in a firesafe that only he has the key to so I have to use my hands a lot when he's not around, but I taught myself well lol.

  38. still looking for my vampOctober 20, 2010 at 3:09 PM

    My first experience with the Big O was actually from a guy on my parents couch one late night. He was 4 years older than me and worried about statutory rape, so he wouldn't sleep with me. But had the most amazing fingers, and knew exactly what to do with them. My core gets sopping wet just thinking about it :)

    As for toys, don't have any. Two words: handheld shower head. A couple extra minutes in the shower, and I have a smile on my face.

  39. My husband is pretty good about taking care of business but there’s nothing wrong with a little self love. We’ve been together, well, FOREVER… but until a few years ago he didn’t believe that I (quite frequently) took things into my own hands until I pulled out the pink vibrator I kept hidden at the back of a drawer and gave him a demonstration. Since then we’ve accumulated a toy box full of handy little (and not so little) gadgets that we use together…. sometimes. More often I’ll just mention that I spent some quality time with my butterfly and, not to be outdone by a battery operated hunk of silicone, he gives me some fan fic worthy lovin’. After complaining that I never let him watch of course. : ) We recently started taking field trips to the Fascinations store in town. He’s still a little shy about it so I always have to hold all the goodies. It’s fun to embarrass him by standing in front of the wall of strap-ons and loudly asking if he prefers the beginner or advanced size. Is that wrong?

  40. I actually don't think I started masturbating till I was in my very late teens early 20's...I was too scared to buy a vibrator. lol I don't have that problem anymore but I don't really masturbate all that often still but I do like to do it in the shower! A combo of running water blocking the sounds so my roomies don't hear and the being dirty while getting clean is why I love it so much though!

  41. My trip to the store with he DH resulted in HIM picking out something that ended up making him feel bad. He picked it out - not me. I have a GF that does the romanance parties so shes my toy dealer. Trying to see if the hubs is game for the swing.

  42. This comment has been removed by the author.

  43. I recommend these little guys from Trojan:



  44. Hellz yeah, I'm for self-love! I don't know how I ever lived for nineteen years without sporting the O-face. My trusty little blue rabbit gets me through my suckass monthly cramps and my daily bouts of horniness. I'd hold hands with my rabbit and make a nice little rabbit bed for it if I could. I've been wanting to get in on some G-spot action, and this post has inspired me to go toy hunting. Maybe my blue rabbit won't be so lonely in her drawer much longer.

    And I totally want that shirt. I don't know how many times a day at work I think that I'd rather masturbate before plowing through this drudgery.

  45. i like to make a game out of self-pleasuring. i'll see if i can get off sitting on the couch while my husband runs out to the kitchen to grab a bowl of ice cream :)

  46. So many comments to read, so little time! And now I'm a day behind on my Twitarded...FUCK!
    Here's the quick and dirty, anyways! :)
    Late to the self-love. I was actually pretty scared of all things sexual due to my mother not really talking to me about it. I was curious but didn't even know what to be curious about. God, I could have been a much happier teenager!
    And now, I am just an old married hag with a new best friend...my shower head!
    And, am I the only one on this site that thought of Tropic of Virgo when they saw that t-shirt? That scene was hilarious...I really need to read that again. But, too many things to read, and too little time!

  47. So my hubs had to redeem himself after our little tiff about him lurking here and reading my comments about the freebie five... So he found the ultimate sex toy last night... he went shopping on his lunch hour apparently and came to bed last night in an Edward t-shirt. F*CKING HYSTERICAL! I didn't eve notice at first b/c I was engrossed in the MoTU update (that Fifty is distracting). But finally looked up and realized there was a sparkly Rob starring back at me. So funny. Hubs is out of the dog house now. =)

  48. @Laxplays and @a girl in the south -- I highly doubt anyone who knows you thinks either of you or angelic but a shovel buddy is a good thing to have. If I ever bite dust, STY is going to have a lot of "erasing" to do in my house. I'll have to make her a little map of all the shit that needs to disappear before the parents or authorities get there.

    @LindsayRae - Squiggle Wiggle writer FTMFW!! That was definitely my first iVibe too, lol!

    @Twopeas1pod - Your hubs is awesome to come to bed wearing an Edward shirt. He's out of the doghouse with us, too. :)

  49. GAH! Need to read everyone's comments - need recommendations....

    That woodchipper comment has just had me in frickin' hysterics..... and my daughter is asking me what I'm laughing at. Hard to explain to a 3 year old... Haven't watched the cat yet. would like to be able to breathe when I go to work!

    I don't really have any toys. I'm guessing that's a bit sad? Particularly when Mr Gee is always offering to get some (though of course he wouldn't be offering for just ME!) Find the old hand does the trick for me.

    LMFAO again at the woodchipper. God bless ya, bet you nearly had a fucking heart attack!! Not what you need when you're trying to relax!!!!!

  50. @JJ You are a dirty h00r and I love you even more now than before. (hey that rhymes)

    Okay confession time...I discovered the O pre-sex ed (although I don't recall anyone mentioning the O during sex ed at all) whilst *ahem* lounging in my parents' hot tub. I have never invested in any toys, although I do find it necessary to make sure my shower has a fully operational adjustable massaging head (hehe, I said "head"), lots of water preasure and one of those bendy hose things.

    VW - Priti - this is who I think of while I'm in the shower...I'm sure its that same for all of you too.

  51. Discovered it(oh sweet Jesus this is embarassing) at church camp. Accidently. They told us to search for ticks and so I did. Found no ticks, but found a certain place that felt funny. I kept "seraching for ticks" until IT happened(I was picturing Joey from NKOTB if you must know). I was fourteen. First I thought I was going to die, then I thought I was going straight to hell, then I thought everyone would know automatically by looking at me, then I decided to do it again to see if the same thing happened.

    The only thing that is a little frustrating is that I can only come if I am on my stomach, so toys don't really work for me. I wonder if anyone else is like that??

  52. I've had this pervy thought for some time, and wonder if anyone else had as well. When I read the Twilight books, it occurred to me that with his strength and, {ahem}, speed, that Edward and his peen would make a perfect vibrator. Maybe Bella caught some of that at Isle Esme???

  53. I love masturbating...I wish I could put it on my resume. I'm not one for drawing my solo sessions out. I like to get in get out all while DH is in the shower and is completely unawares. I've got a variety of toys and even had a toy party for my bachelorette party.
    I should have stock in duracell...

    I love going to good vibrations. That is one of my pro-woman sex toy shops.

    Excellent post JJ!


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