Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Texas Katherine, C'mon Down!

Yeah he looks like he escaped from an episode of "Tales From the Crypt" here but TK wouldn't give us a picture and I like Bob Barker for his whole spay & neuter campaign. What can I say???

You're the next contestant on Twitarded!!! And by "contestant," I mean "sucker who agreed to come and write for our ridiculous hawt mess of a blog"!!!

JJ, LKW, Myg and I have pretty much considered it a done deal that Texas Katherine was going to come join the forces of semi-evil here at Twitarded for a while now... Sadly, none of us thought to really tell TK about all of our mad plans until oooooooh about two hours before we needed someone to take control of the blog while we were all in Forks. Since we had tried - and failed - to get TK to come along on our epic adventure, we felt that she could hold down the fort despite the fact that she has a real life and just moved and her kid had just started a new school and she was starting a new job AND she has an awesome fanfic called "Going Down?" that she's writing (and apparently writing a fanfic is a HUGE time-suck - even more than reading fanfic - who the fuck knew?! erm yeah ok maybe I did know that...).

In classic STY fashion (and I have been in RARE form for the last month or so, let me tell you...), I sent an email to JJ and LKW saying that we needed to Skype with TK and humbly ask her to join our ranks. But of course I fucked it up and sent it to TK, too. Oops. Surprise ruined, somehow she still agreed to come on board. 'Cause she's gracious. Or felt sorry for us. Or she's just fucking nuts. Possibly some combination of all of the above.

I knew that when I told her we would be posting about her, she would go all "Bella-in-the-cafeteria-when-they-told-her-they-were-doing-a-feature-on-her" on us. And she did. So we swore not to post twenty photos of her because like the rest of us, she had that magical combination of low self esteem and a staggeringly high level of vanity. I think she's going to fit in nicely. I'm sure of it, in fact.

The feature's DEAD, Angela! Don't bring it up again...

I know a lot of you already know and love TK, but we thought we would share her very first email to me and Jenny Jerkface. It brings back fond memories of how it felt to be sucked semi-unwillingly down the Twilighty rabbit hole. {{{sigh}}}

She had us at "Curse you Twitarded!"

From: Texas Katherine
Date: Wed, May 13, 2009 at 8:49 AM
Subject: I believe the term is "enabler"
To: Snarkier Than You

Curse you Twitarded!! A pox on both of your houses. I was completely content in my delusion that I was simply conducting social research on the Twilight phenomenon since last Fall. I was an English major for Pete's sake! I don't read pedestrian novels like "Twilight." But, my curiosity got the best of me one Autumn day. So, I went down to Tar-jay & loaded my basket with God knows what & finally slid a copy of Twilight beneath it all. I believe my copy of Twilight set me back about $92. My husband questioned my new reading material when we got into bed that night. (He had already questioned the massive amounts of random shit that I brought home from the Tar-jay earlier.) I pretty much just sputtered sentence fragments about previewing it in case we ever have a daughter, or some such nonsense.

Needless to say, I stopped reading when the alarm went off in the morning...for the third time. Of course, I took my "research" to work & panicked when I got to the last chapter. I drove like a maniac to the Barnes & Noble under the pretense of picking up lunch for the office...at 9am. The thought of finishing Twilight without my next fix readily available made my chest constrict. I convinced myself that I was just being thorough in my research. I can quit whenever I want, right? Fast forward at least a dozen full readings of the series & countless viewings of the movie, not to mention the daily "hits" of my favorite chapters.

My husband & child are dangerously at risk of developing scurvy as I feed them cereal & frozen pancakes for every meal. And those are the nights that I "cook." I've gradually added to my list of blogs that I check daily. Scratch that. Hourly. After much resistance, I finally clicked on Twitarded. In the space of time that it took to read your header, I was hooked. Fuck me. Now I had to admit that I might possibly be an addict. (I can still quit whenever I want. I just don't want to yet. It's not hurting anyone.) I've read all of your archives & am slightly disturbed. Can you hear my thoughts halfway across the country? I could have written any one of those posts. I feel like less of a pariah for not being the only thirty-something incapable of purging this story from my system & more of a freak for finally acknowledging the disturbing level to which I am addicted.

I carry around my iPhone like a talisman. I have the Twilight movie & book downloaded, several blogs bookmarked & the Midnight Sun draft readily available in case I get that trademark hand tremble of a true addict when I am away from home. Then you had to go & add Twiporn links to your sight. Fuck me. Now I have another facet of this addiction to manage. What are you people doing to me? My husband is perturbed because I am yawning through regular porn. I haven't shared this new aspect of my addiction with him yet. I figure he should just be happy reaping the benefits. THEN, like a
drug pusher wanting me to progress from the gateway drugs, you had to taunt me with Wide Awake. I resisted, but I finally capitulated. I mean, I don't really have time to add anything else into my schedule. I thought I'd read one chapter a day & drag it out. Once again, fuck me. I've had to completely eliminate my 2 requisite hours of sleep in order to read & reread this new addiction.

I haven't slept in days. My life is completely upside down. I would have eliminated personal hygiene altogether to free up some time if my libido wasn't through the roof. I hope you are happy with yourselves. I was perfectly happy with my social research before. Now, I have to endure an 8 hour field trip with my first grader tomorrow with no way to take a Twilight / Wide Awake hit. Thanks a whole freaking lot.
Sincerely, Twitarded in Texas

Of COURSE we had to reply!

From: Snarkier Than You
To: Texas Katherine
Sent: Thu, May 14, 2009 2:54:31 PM
Subject: Re: I believe the term is "enabler"

ROTFLMFAO!!! All I can really say is "Welcome to our world!" What you described is pretty much EXACTLY what JJ and I went through. Er, and continue to go through (which of course you probably know since you read our older posts...). We don't read "those" types of books, either - we still have no clue how we got ourselves sucked into this mess, but what the hell - it's a fun ride so I think we stopped questioning it a while ago. At least now you have bloggy friends you can share your pain with, right??

Tell the husband and kid that we are sorry... But we're really not - there is definitely a "misery loves company" thing at work here - if we're in it, we want other people to be right there in the twi-muck with us! I hope your temporary twilight-withdrawal wasn't too painful...

I passed along your email to JJ (right now we both use this one for the blog) - I wanted to show you her reply back to me -

[From JJ] I’d marry her if I could. We could have a twitarded harem or something. That made me laugh SO hard. And, in all my devious evilness, I have to admit that I am utterly pleased that we are ruining people’s lives by our blog. We are no longer pushers… we are the effing kingpins…

Glad you came by to curse us! And sleep is really over-rated anyway, right?


Snarkier Than You

P.S. Yes we can hear your thoughts all the way over in Texas. Clearly.

: )

So, welcome aboard, Texas Katherine!! And if you fuck this up, Jenny Jerkface will kill you. Seriously. I'm pretty sure she hasn't sent you the "I Will Fuck You Up in Painful Ways" welcoming email yet but... she will.

Hey look who came through with a pic at the 11th hour! Welcome to the club, TK!
We told you about the whole sordid initiation thing, right???


  1. I forgot what this post was about because you embedded that video of Edward walking into the cafeteria.

    ::rewind, pause, play, rewind, pause, play::

  2. Welcome, Texas Katherine! So glad you'll be helping the other Hoors drive this short bus, hopefully the destination will include another visit to Foooooorks next year! I kick myself for missing it...

    Was I first on comments this time? Woooo hooo! Fuck, TK herself beat me. Bitch!

  3. I've been a huge TK fan for awhile now and I just want to welcome her to the bloggy thing. I'm sure I will enjoy her posts as much as I enjoy her tweets and her fuckhot fanfic!

  4. WOOO! Go TK!! What a hot mess of a group this. I love it!

  5. Congrats TK, can't wait to read your posts.

  6. Congrats and welcome to the family. You do know you've just adopted a whole shit load of kids, right?

  7. Yo TK, welcome aboard the Twitard train. It's not like you don't have any clue what you're getting yourself in to...so that's a plus.

    Love the shirt.

    xo J

    PS w/v "Hogui" um....wtf?

  8. Congratulations TK! Blogger ate my last comment...damn you blogger!
    It basically said how awesome you are and that you will do fabulously here...or something like that. I like this comment better, to be honest.

  9. Welcome & Congratulations! Looks like I'm gona have to come up with something special to celebrate this. Oooh I have the perfect idea...... *rubs hands together*

  10. TK I love you...it was meant to be......the end.

    @red-bella I love that I can now put the sound of your voice to that deliciously evil little comment.

  11. DAMN YOU TK! Your email was included in a recent post and THAT'S what gave me the BRILLIANT idea to go read Wide Awake! I have been angsty and cranky for over a week because of you! I dunno if I should punch you or hug you. Either way, you crack my shit up, so congrats on being an official Twitarded kingpin! (yay Texas representation!)

    w/v rainsts...I don't really have a definition for it, but, it's very Forksy.

  12. I swear to Edward...I can't fucking wait to see your Twitarded cartoon figure, TK.

    "Seriously, Lindsay Rae? That's what you're thinking about?"

    Well...Yeah! I need to make space on the Jeepjeep cover for FOORRKKSS!!! 2011, duh.

    But seriously, I'm not surprised, and totally stoked for you. Not only are you fuckhawt and hilarious, you also suffer from TPSD (The Prehtay Staring Disorder) just like we do. Slave to the RobManiPorn? Yeah. Fanfic reader/writer extraordinaire? Yeah. Let's just hope these bitches have enough paper potty covers, Purell, and clean piss to get you through the day, and any future drug screens.

  13. Phew, my doodle is lonely on that side of the banner. I sure do hope I get some company soon! Welcome to the crazy train TK... I love you something fierce.

  14. Great news! Welcome (back) TexasKatherine!! Looking forward to getting to know ya better.

    ps - LOVE your fanfic! Keep writing(pretty please).

  15. Thanks, h00rs!

    @Red_Bella--I'm scared of what you will whip up. And excited. ;)

    @SuzaBeth--WA fucked my shit up somethin' fierce. Sorry. *twirls villain stache*


    @LKW--You know it will be at least 6 months for new graphics. I'll surely be fired by then. If by some miracle I'm not, I'll try to not hog our side of the banner. JJ, I'm looking at you & your snoring, bed-hogging ass.

  16. Congratulations TexasKatherine! I knew once they left you the keys to the house whilst they were gone and you cleaned up after the massive party we all had there that you'd be a shoo in :) Hey,you did remember to fill the booze bottles up with water and food coloring right?!

  17. Was I drunk when we made this decision?

    Welcome aboard you whore!! For the record, we literally did ask TK to man the blog about 2 hours before we left for the airport. We had decided weeks ago we would ask and... just didn't. Because that's how we roll

    @Red Bella - I can't wait to see what you make!

  18. It is so comforting to know that I am not the only wack-job on the planet when it comes to Twilight. Y'all make me feel *ahem* normal!

    I freakin' love you h00rs!

  19. YAY, TK! So excite! Can't wait to see what you come up with.

    Someone please send Rob that "suck it" t-shit, 'mkay? Cuz UNF.


  20. Oh shit, you whores are going to cause me to do even less work than I do now. Great. Thanks a heap coyote.

    Congrats, TK! Now, let's find the nearest winery and celebrate, please and thanks.

  21. Welcome, TK -- so glad to be able to read more posts from you, b/c the last on had me ROFLMAO. That email is such an eloquent description of our collective experience. (What is it about the combo of socially-awkward-with-low-self-esteem-yet-smart-and--passionate that this blog attracts? Could it be we all secretly identify with bella/kstew, even as we envy her proximity to robward?) But I digress. So glad to have you as another fearless leader! xoxo

  22. Yea for TK! She wrote some funny shit while y'all were in Foooorrrkks...Twitarded just gets better & better:)

  23. Fuckin-A! This is the best news since... since the gas station didn't decline my credit card this morning! You four are a match made in heaven, well probably not heaven, but you kwim. I flove you h00rs!

  24. Great addition....congrats TK (I think, you hope). So ladies....now that the Twigasm podcast is defunct, any thoughts on doing your own series? (pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top??!!)

  25. Congrats, TK! Looking forward to your posts.
    And now Twitarded needs to another banner redesign!

  26. Just when you thought Twitarded couldn't get any more awesome... they add @TK and take it to a whole nothah level!

    @TK, I read your posts while you were holdin down the blog and they were awesome, I can't wait to read more from you here and elsewheres(*cue the not-so-subtle hint* HEELLLLLOOOO! Going Down update please)

  27. #(&#(&#&$(#&!!! blogger ate my comment - HATE that!!

    aaaaanyhoo... @TK - i almost forgot what i was writing about myself - lol! that is def still one of my fave scenes in all the movies - that one, the near smush with the van, and "say it. out loud." are all top contenders. {{{sigh}}} i think i need to watch twilight tonight.

    thanks for letting us sucker you into this! so what are you writing tonight??? [jk]


  28. I'm running late and need to get going but, of course, I had to check in with you twat-waffles (do we hyphenate or is it twatwaffles?) and I'm so glad I did. Now while I'm out in the RL world, I will be smiling like the loon that I am knowing that the fabulous Texas Katherine will part of what will now be known as the "Fearsome Foursome". WooooHoooo!

    Congrats TK.

    Looking forward to reading more of your awesome posts. Great addition to the already hysterical JJ, STY and LKW!

    And yay to evening up the banner up above. The unbalanced-ness of it makes me OCD twitchy.

    And looking forward to meeting you at the next Twitard trip to Veeggggaaasss, Caaannnnccuuuunnn or Miiaaammmiii!!!

    Or someplace that at least has a Chili's or something.

    Congrats Again!

  30. Congrats TK! I can't wait for the Twitarded-gang jump in video. ;)

  31. Woohoo! Looking forward to your posts TK! ...and your update to Going Down! hehe! Soon...right?!

  32. Fucking blogger is a stupid cunt and wouldn't let me comment. This is the third time I'm typing this shit out. Here's to hoping that third time is the fucking charm. My first comment was all well thought out, but I'm too lazy a twat to write all that shit out for a 3rd time. So basically, welcome whore, looking forward to the general fuckery.

  33. @Cullenary Curser:

    So eloquently put.
    Twat Slot

  34. TexasKatherine is one of my most favorite people in all of Twitardia. She is hilarious, clever, fun, and so sweet to me (I know it doesn't seem possible but she really is sweet). I love the fact that she is now an official poster on Twitarded - she is an excellent addition. Can't wait to see the crazy posts to come.

  35. Welcome Texas Katherine!!! Now when will you be updating "Going Down?" because it was so fucking hot and nearly set my panties on fire. I kid you not, I was in the middle of reading it and I texted my fuck buddy "I want to fuck you so badly right now!" I have to admit I was getting a little lazy with my fanfic. Not that the fics I was reading weren't good, I was just getting distracted by non twilight related reading.(I know shocked) But "Going Down?" is filled with so much lemony goodness that it filled the void that was left when hunterhunting finished MOBS!

  36. I could see this decision coming a mile away but I'll admit I'm a little concerned about the potential time suckage. If this new duty cuts in to TK's obligations as my FicBitch, email menage a trois, twitter twat, not to mention AA sponsor, I'll be forced to take issue. You've been warned, Twitards - now go, all of you, and wreak hilarious havoc in the fandom. It needs it.
    PS - Congratulations, h00r, but seriously - when are you going to update GD?;)

  37. Congrats, TK! I too can't wait to see your cartoon figure. So glad someone will be over there to keep LKW company :)

    Some how I missed that you have a fanfiction, it's going to the top of the list! Right after I finish The Family Business, MOTU (again) and Sins of the Father. I can only handle 3 at a time. I'm not some kinda of h00r ya know.

  38. Fucking A... that EMAIL!! Mentally filing that in my 'things I wish I'd written' folder! SOOOO exactly how I feel right now. The trip to Tar-jay, the freaking sudden libido that is so hard to explain to a VERY confused hubby ('Who are you? And what have you done with my wife??' has been asked in my house NUMEROUS times in the last few months!), and the mother f-ing LACK of sleep (PLEASE tell me eventually this addiction will wane enough that this nocturnal crap subsides at least a bit! I swear I think I might actually be turning into a fucking vampire with this lack of sleep!).

    OH lord... I just have to go read it again it's so perfect. TK - if your blog posts are ANYWHERE near as EPIC as this original email -- I might be flying down to Texas to have my way with you. Cause I think I'm in love! *giggle*.

  39. Great news! Welcome (back) TexasKatherine!! Looking forward to getting to know ya better.

    ps - LOVE your fanfic! Keep writing(pretty please).

  40. I swear to Edward...I can't fucking wait to see your Twitarded cartoon figure, TK.

    "Seriously, Lindsay Rae? That's what you're thinking about?"

    Well...Yeah! I need to make space on the Jeepjeep cover for FOORRKKSS!!! 2011, duh.

    But seriously, I'm not surprised, and totally stoked for you. Not only are you fuckhawt and hilarious, you also suffer from TPSD (The Prehtay Staring Disorder) just like we do. Slave to the RobManiPorn? Yeah. Fanfic reader/writer extraordinaire? Yeah. Let's just hope these bitches have enough paper potty covers, Purell, and clean piss to get you through the day, and any future drug screens.

  41. WOOO! Go TK!! What a hot mess of a group this. I love it!


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