Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Musings on Eclipse - The Graduation Party

So, the other night I was reading Eclipse in the bathroom (it was either that or the back of a box of tampons and that diagram always creeps me out) and I came across the description of the graduation party--you know, the one where Alice transforms the Cullen house into a nightclub? Well, Stephenie Meyer actually describes it as "a nightclub that usually only exists on TV" or something lame like that.

I get the same feeling reading that short scene as I do when Stephenie Meyer puts Edward in a sleeveless white button down and khakis for a hike - what the fuck? So I was a little baffled why she thought a nightclub theme would be a good idea for a high school graduation party. Does she even know what actually goes on in places like that??

Stephenie Meyer's vision of what goes on in a nightclub...

What really happens in a nightclub.

I figure it's a safe guess that SM has never really stepped foot inside a nightclub nightclub before, mainly because I highly doubt there would be any reason for her to. I'm not busting on anyone's faith or beliefs here but, if I remember correctly, technically she's not even supposed to drink caffeine [note from STY: I have it on good authority that she celebrates her birthday by allowing herself a Coca Cola. Aaaaand suddenly Bella guzzling down numerous Cokes in Port Angeles with Edward takes on a whole new, decadent, risk-taking-vixen-y spin], so I'm pretty sure ecstasy and speedballs are out, too. Plus, she wrote an entire series, like two thousand pages, espousing the virtues of abstinence until marriage, and nightclubs are pretty much all about getting sexed up. We're talking hot-body-contests and mostly-naked-people-dancing-in-cages sexed up.

Look, all I'm saying is that it's probably just not her thang. I'm sure it sounded good to her in theory, but she should have maybe researched it a little bit.

Let me preface this by saying that I have NOT stepped foot inside of a nightclub nightclub in about a decade. I'm more of a "dive bar with questionable sanitation practices" kind of gal these days. Nightclubs? Not so much. There are three reasons for this:

1) I hate techno/dance/trance/jungle/whatever music - and, if memory serves me correctly, that was all they pretty much played back in the day. It sounds like a million evil little robots gang raping my audial senses.

2) The Jersey-Shore/guido to average-fucking-Joe ratio is like 35-to-1 in nightclubs. Orange people frighten me and I can't stand the smell of Jaeger Bombs.

Make it go away! It's scaring me! Actually, it just pisses me off and I went to punch it in its tiny little gonads.

3) I don't dance. I flail. No matter how high on who-knows-what you are, it's still not pretty.

That being said, when I was in my late teens, I trucked my ass into the city on a somewhat regular weekly basis to go "clubbing," specifically to the Limelight. I should point out that "clubbing" to me was dressing all in black and people-watching. Because holy-fucking-shit, people watching was amazing there.

The Limelight. The place where I learned to ask what the pill is before taking it.

So, there I was, sitting on the shitter, recalling my days of being at the Limelight, with the half-nakedness, the bizarrely dressed club kids dry humping each other and sucking on lollipops and pacifiers, the drag queens doing coke in the bathroom and all other debauchery that went on there and I tried to imagine Stephenie Meyer in the midst of it.

The Limelight.

Stephenie Meyer

The Limelight

Stephenie Meyer.

The Limelight.

And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm honestly not even sure why she chose a nightclub theme for the graduation party. It just seemed a tad... not right to me. Has she never seen Party Monster? Or Saturday Night Fever? I really wish she had gone into a little description about her version of nightclub because I bet it doesn't include a 6' 5'' guy who walked around in nothing but a see-through babydoll nightie and a cock ring. Or kids whacked out of their gourds on drugs, wearing some seriously insane and outlandish costumes.

The infamous Club Kids -- Michael Alig and crew.

Because my version sure as shit did.


  1. The Limelight and SM pics - Hilarious. Yeah, Ms. Meyer really had no clue.

  2. I had not really thought about it but now that you point it out... it is a very interesting choice. Hmmmmmm

  3. Oh, JJ, hilarious AND insightful...just what I come here for! X

  4. I lived at er..frequented a place was called "the downstairs john" or simply "the john" in my uni days and yes it was a shit hole. Packed like sardines, flailing it up (those that have been to foooorrkkks have seen this), and hot as hell (I only flailed on stage so that I could stand under an air vent). But who could turn down 2 dollar beers?? SM wouldn't have cut it.

  5. It's good to be back. I had to take a few days off to recharge, but it didn't do any good. I missed you too much. Thank you for reminding me how much I flove your petite, four-eyed, whisky-drinkin' ass.

    I am so glad I'm not the only one who sometimes has resort to reading the tampon paperwork. Except, you probably don't translate it into sign language when you're handling yo' bidnazz. That's probably something only I do. Figures.

    I never got into the "clubbing" thing. I didn't live close enough to a big city in high school, so I never got bitten by the club-bug. I'll just live through your memories. The picture montage is hilarious, though. Scrolling through def got my giggle bones shakin'. And thank you for making the "coke" drinking situation so much more scandalous.

  6. "It sounds like a million evil little robots gang raping my audial senses." Bwha ha.. Oh JJ, you've such a way w/ words. Btw, techno and guidos should be banned from this planet.

    In SM's 'nightclub,' the required dress is ankle length, khaki skirts and turtlenecks. Oh the debauchery!

    And you know, now that you mention it, Bella really does drink a shit load of coke. SM was so living thru Bella-- craving caffeinated beverages and pining for fuckhawt immortals.

  7. I've always had a thing for clubs, but I didn't have those kinds of mosh pit, headbangin, gettin all nekid and shit clubs. We had clubs like the Rainbow disco, or the Art Gallery, and The Old Port Tavern (OPT). Those were fun times for me...but Yeah Stephanie may be as old as I am...in which a night club theamed party would have consisted of strobe lights and a big ass disco ball floatin above the ceiling and lots of wall mirrors and maybe a lighted up floor..Anyhoo that's how I pictured it..but you are sooo much younger than I..So I can see your debaucle of the club scene..carry on.... things to ponder whilst sittin on the crapper..

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  9. HAHA I love it!
    I just have to say that working full time, taking three classes and applying to grad school is truly hectic but at the end of the day, reading this blog is my 'sanity' (for the past year or so). How great is that? You never cease to entertain, amuse, aid in proving to my roommates that I am insane (cue crazy laughter from behind my closed bedroom door). Thanks :)
    Also, just thought if anyone would be interested its you guys...I am currently taking a class on the Vampire in Literature at Harvard:


    This week we read Twilight and I will be mentioning Twitarded and its epic-ness in class tomorrow!

    massive love to you all

  10. First of all I LOVE the fact that by reading this "So, the other night I was reading Eclipse in the bathroom (it was either that or the back of a box of tampons and that diagram always creeps me out)" I knew it was a JJ post!

    Secondly, I think SM is a little delusional when it comes to certain things. Like her lack of hot outfits, sexiness....anything. That being said, I think it's funny we still love everything about these damn books no matter how much we all make fun of them. :)

  11. @JJ You never cease to crack me up. Real life walked up and bitch slapped me yesterday morning and continues to threaten to fuck me in the ass, and despite all this you and all the other h00rs in twitardia can still make me laugh. Thanks for making me smile, your all awesome!

  12. Is there a naked guy jerking off on the stage in "the Limelight" picture? Shit I never went to that sort of club!Lol!

  13. FTMFW! ROFL! I think SM was going for Dance Party USA (on USA network) and less Limelight...uhhh can I just also say that I frequented the Limelight well before I turned 21- that place was definitely not a place one would find khakis unless you wanted your ass beat.

  14. Duuuuuude, were you seriously reading on the shitter? Or was that just a funny intro...? I'm asking because I have never in my entire life read on the potty. Who takes that long to poo??? LMAO!

    Yes, SM's vision was a little off. Personally I think her idea of a nightclub is what innocent teenagers idea of a nightclub is. Cool music & neat lighting.

    I will say that the party they showed in the movie was pretty cool for teenagers...minus Bella's gawd awful outfit and plus a shitload of alcohol.

    XO J

  15. Hahaha! It hurts my brain to try to remember back to my clubbing days. I'll blame the alcohol and drugs, and not all the years that have passed...

    Yeah, SM's version of teenagers, their clothes and nightclubs is a far cry from reality. At least non-mormon reality.

  16. Ahh. Fond memories of bizarre 90's nightclub life. Thanks!
    One of my favorite nightclub moments:
    We were too cool for school, clustered by the bar in a South of Market SF bar (curiously owned by Rob Schneider), listening to the music & watching the underworld buzz around us. When I hear someone say, "Is that a strap on?" And my hungry eyes begin searching the club for the activity in question.
    To my eager surprise, a tough & hot woman with a tall red mohawk had strapped on a giant black dildo and was slamming it to another pretty lady up on the stage. Mesmerized, I was drawn straight through the crowd to stare in awe at this unusual spectacle.
    When it was over, I turned & bought a band shirt immediately.
    Sleepchamber they were called. Totally awesome.
    And the next day on the Metro...There she was!!! Mohawk strap on girl, riding public transit like any other anonymous San Francisco commuter.
    I don't think Stephanie would have been as enchanted as I.
    Thanks for spurring this funny memory.

  17. Wow. Yeah, don't really know what she meant... except maybe that it was *decorated* like a nightclub? Strobe lights and... well, whatever else is in those places, it's been like a decade since I've been in one and even then I wasn't a fan. I can't dance, I abhore the smell of smoke, and I can get drunk a whole lot cheaper at home. (Yes, I'm cheap and boring.) And I started dating Mr. XKR when I was 18, so never had a need to go out to meet guys.

    Interesting: I read the wikipedia article you linked to on The Limelight. Apparently, the Atlanta location of The Limelight was right next to a Kroger grocery store that, to this day, is called the "disco Kroger." I always wondered why. Turns out - because Limelight was once next door. Huh.

  18. @SM Blog - They have a vampire literature class at Harvard?? Holy shit. Do circle back with us when you take it. I'm dying to hear about it!!

    @S.C. - I can't recall a single time I ever saw someone in khakis at the Limelight. Because it never happened. LOL!

    @TwiredJen - WHAAAAA??? You don't read on the toilet? I swear that's where I get most of my reading done! It's the one place where no bothers me. ;)

    Oh, the 90's and all the weird shit that went down. Then again, I guess nightclubs actually had their heydays in the 70's & 80's but... it was well worth the experience. Even if I was in a perpetual state of WHAT THE FUCK? the entire time I was there.

  19. W-O-W!!! I have to say that I only went to a somewhat "real" night club in Seattle I think twice. Totally not my thing. I thought I was going to get slipped a mickey in my pepsi or shot for staring at people. ( I LOVE PEOPLE WATCHING!) So I was definitley not picturing the kind of night club you were Miss JJ. I think mine was more of a Saved by the Bell version. HAHAHAHA!

  20. I don't know SM personally (although I kind of wish I was her BFF so I could get these annoying questions answered) but I agree she seems a little goody-goody and her fashion style is extremely suspect.

    On the other hand, I resent the assumptions that all Mormons are fashion challenged and naively nightclubless. I grew up Mormon and I never wore a long khaki skirt and loved going to nightclubs. On the other hand, I wasn't your typical Mormon. I followed up a church dance (which to be quite honest was usually fun) with a trip to the local gay/goth nightclub.

    Actually, I went to that nightclub almost every weekend for a long time. You would not believe how the kids dressed at that place back in 1986 in SoCal. Wait... that style is coming back and you can see that shit on the street almost every day now that the goth look is back.

  21. Haha! When I hear "nightclub" I automatically think of this club in SF I went to once called "The Power Exchange" an club down the street from my friend's apartment. It's closed now, but just read the reviews on yelp. And then imagine Stephenie Meyer, or any of the characters there. HA! Actually, I bet some of the Cullens and maybe some of the Wolf Pack would go there.

  22. @Lila - The post was about Stephenie Meyer only. It was based on the clothing descriptions she used in the book and the
    general appearance she gives off-- which is a tad naive and innocent.

    When I did go to nightclubs, I was absolutely amazed at how some of the people dressed. I wasn't quite sure whether I should applaud their creativity or feel second-hand embarrassed for them. ;) Then again, I remember some of the stuff I wore back in my NIN/punk rock stage and... well, I cringe.

  23. I still can't get over the fact that @TwiredJen doesn't read on the shitter? That's like unAmerican or something. I bring my fucking iPad in there with me. I like to keep myself entertained.

  24. Ha I don't read on the toilet either. I'm in there for like 30 seconds.. but if something goes wrong and I have to stay in there for a while, I have a book just in case. Or I read the back of the tampon box, excluding the creepy vag diagram.

  25. There are *TOO* many "dated" references like this to count in the Twilight series in my opinion... Stephanie is only 3 years older than me, and it's like she grew up in a totally different era! I have no idea what the kids do when they go clubbing today, but in my day (i.e. the 90s) it would have been all mosh pits and flannel no matter what "nightclub" you went to!

  26. Oh, and @Twired Jen. I AGREE. I have never understood people who take that long on the toilet that they need to read. Weird ;)

  27. @JJ - I wish I could write "more better" so you could see my tongue planted firmly in my cheek. I grew up with way too many people just like SM to actually be offended. My little gang and I used to laugh at them behind their back but when I see pictures from back in the day I sometimes think the joke was on me!

  28. @Lila- Just making sure, bb!! :)

    Seriously, there are pictures of me and I just want to burn them. Mortifying. What the fuck was I thinking??? LOL!

  29. OMG- The Limelight! Went there in the 90's all the time! The guy in the upper right corner of the Club Kid photo actually lived in my building! (His name was Walt and he was really sweet!)
    I especially love how the wardrobe people for the Eclipse movie put Bella in a fucking painting smock or something for the party scene. She would never make it past the velvet rope in that getup!!
    Thanks for the laughs, JJ!

  30. I think we all have pix from back in the day, we'd like to cut into little itzy bitzy pieces burn and then bury the ashes.. there are actually very few that I don't want to burn.
    Lil' OT.. @JJ I showed the bf a Twitarded post last night ..he of course laughed his fucking ass off. And btw, thinks the Twilight fandom is the horniest damn fandom like ever! LMAO... #WellNoFuckingDuh Anyway.. he said you kinda remind him of Velma from Scooby Doo... like the (non cartoon) Scooby Doo the movie.. she's hot.. js ;) Hope you take that as a compliment, I would. Just thought I'd share :D

  31. Ha ha! Come on. Everyone knows the Cullens are tres cool and just wanted to give the Forksies one nighta livin' large before they scampered off into the woods to become lumberjacks and vampire snacks. I totally see what you're saying, @JJ, but I never questioned the nightclub theme for the party. For Alice it made total sense and if there's one thing SM does well it's write a kick ass Alice.

    Plus where I live the nightclubs are nothing like the clubs in the bigger cities. The ones that try to be edgy never last. I wonder if that's more what SM was thinking of when she wrote that scene. The only place you'll see a club kid around here is aimlessly wandering the downtown streets looking completely lost and dejected. I thought about adopting one once but I hear they don't thrive outside of their natural environment.

    By the way, I never understood why people read in the bathroom either. I think you should have a post about that because I've got questions.

    wv: pardies!!!

  32. I am a innocent little Mormon, that being said:
    I hate the clothes she describes in the book (White eyelet lace tank top, really?),
    I had no idea what happens in real life night clubs! When I read that I just thought of cool interior design,
    I and many others I know drink Coke.
    I am often scandalized by your blog, but, love it anyway!

  33. My 80s nightclub memory: stepping over an unconscious Robert Downey Jr. on the staircase of The World on Houston and Avenue C. Good times. Thanks for bringing back the memories!


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