Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Random Rants - The Loud Talker

I'm just going to throw this out there -- commuting on public transportation isn't fun. On a "Peace and Zen Moments" scale of one to ten, riding a train five days a week ranks in at about holy-fucking-shit-this-sucks.

Me. Everyday.

Granted, being stuck in crawling bumper to bumper traffic every day isn't a picnic either, but at least if you smell someone's asshole it will most likely be your own.

Four years into my possible life sentence of commuting, I've learned to manage some aspects of my daily trek. I can deal with the elderly women who turn into battering rams with knives for elbows when my train is called, plowing through crowds like Beserkers on crack. I barely bat an eyelash when a dude in a five thousand dollar suit transforms from mild mannered businessman to fucking Rowdy Roddy Piper in a blink of an eye and races for a track, clotheslining the elderly and children alike.

If you take that last three-seater, I'm gonna give you a world of hurtin'!!!

And by "dealing", I mean aggressively tweeting my impotent rage about massive delays, body odor that should be bottled and used as weapons of mass destruction and men whose breath smells like they ate roadkill for breakfast. And if I'm not tweeting it, I have a non-stop, rage-induced internal monologue going on. In my mind, riding the 5:54 is like Fight Club. Except that I wish I was the only one doing all the ass kicking.

There is one saving grace from all this insanity. Well, two, actually. 1) I have an iPod. This little device has saved me my sanity and probably a few nights in prison. 2) I can sleep virtually anywhere. I must say it's a nice combination. I plug in, nestle down, close my eyes and pretend that I'm not packed like cattle in a train heading off to a job that makes me want to climb into a Dorlean, travel back to 1995 and kick 18 year old Jenny Jerkface right in the vagina and warn her not to make stupid decisions.

We can't wait much longer, Jenny. Finish the post and hurry. You have some twat kicking to do.

But there is one type of commuter who I have no weapon against.

The Loud Talker. I might hate you and wish deleterious things to happen to you if you clip your fingernails while sitting next to me, but there is something about someone screaming into a cell phone on a quiet train that makes me positively mutinous.


These are the people who somehow think that there is a little bubble around them and that, even though they are in public, no one can hear them talk about their raging case of herpes, impending divorce, terrible kids, awesome sex, and whatever-the-fuck-else.

Which brings me to the young girl who was screaming into her cell phone at 7:30 in the morning yesterday. For forty five minutes. Anyway, she seemed eager to broadcast her life to a car full of exhausted, cranky people so I figured I'd help her go one even further and write about it on the blog. With my comments, natch.


We'll call her Talky McFuckface. Ms. Fuckface was probably in her early twenties and very excited to start her new job and, clearly, her new commute. I was just drifting off when I hear this:

HEY! (most obnoxious fucking laugh I've ever heard) I FIGURED YOU'D BE UP BRIGHT AND EARLY SO I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A CALL...

This was your first mistake, Talky McFuckface. Actually actively seeking out someone who is an early bird for a chat means it's TOO FUCKING EARLY TO BE CHATTING.


OH YEAH, THE COMMUTE IS GREAT... UH HUH (insert ear bleeding laugh) YEAH, I JUST RELAX ON THE TRAIN AND SPEND THE TIME CATCHING UP WITH PEOPLE ON THE PHONE... (Dear gahd that laugh. MAKE IT STOP!!)

Your chatting days are numbered, you gangrenous twat. You're going to be doing your loud talk-y thing next to some coke-addicted stockbroker one morning and he's going to rip you an asshole so big you'll be able to shit out Mack trucks. I can't wait for this to happen.

One of these people will kill you. Seriously.

THE NEW JOB IS REALLY CRAZY AND HECTIC BUT I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THE OPPORTUNITY. I MEAN, IT'S SO HECTIC! MY DESK IS COVERED WITH POST-ITS AND PAPERS AND EVERYTHING...

1)You're excited about the opportunity because you're young and just got out of college and think work is fun. It's not. Your soul just hasn't been raped by corporate bullshit yet. Give it time. 2) What the fuck did you think your desk was going to covered with? Skittles and cat shit?? Eat a bowl of dicks. Maybe if your mouth is full of cock and ball you would actually shut up.

BLAH, BLAH, MY BOSS BLAH (she laughs again. I begin to picture killing her). BLAH FUNDRAISERS BLAH BLAH...

shutthefuckuptshutthefuckupshutthefuckupshutthefuckuptshutthefuckupshutthefuckup. Jeezus crispies, I'm wearing noise canceling headphones and I can here ALL about your meeting prep responsibilities. Hey, Talky McFuckface did you hear that? Could you hear that "shhhh" over your loud mouth? It's the sound of someone shushing you. Pay attention!!

SO, HOW'S THE OLD OFFICE??

OH MAH GAHD. Whoa. You're not even talking to a friend?? You're talking to an ex-coworker? Are you fucking serious? Really? I officially hate you. You're bullshitting just to bullshit and RUINING my chance to dream about shagging Robert Pattinson.

It was at this point that I finally cracked an eye open and decided to take decisive action. Before I could turn around and offer to shut her up myself, the train pulled into Newark and Talky McFuckace was all, "OOOH! I'M AT MY STATION! TALK SOON! KISSES!"

Kisses, eh? I'll give you something to kiss, you chatty donkey snatch.

As she walked toward the exit, I heard the man next to me sigh and mutter, "thank God."

As some dude took Talky McFuckface's seat, I closed my eyes, hoping I would get maybe twenty minutes of shut-eye before we hit New York.

YO, BRO! WHASSSSSS UP!!!

Apparently not. I guess I'll have to dream about RPattz some other day.

It's okay, JJ. I'll be here, waiting. In your dreams.

22 comments:

  1. Ohh man I am laughing and tears are running down my face over here. "If I'm not tweeting it, I have a non-stop, rage-induced internal monologue going on." Ahahahaha, oh man I'm totes putting that on a post-it to giggle at when my own rage-induced internal monologue (which is alive and healthy, don't you worry) rears its ugly head.

    Anyone else want to take bets on how long before she pulls the Uzi and downs the whole crowd? When you go to jail, they'll have to call in @red_bella to make a wee orange jumpsuit. You're a little too cute for women's prison, JJ. Hope you like manly girls.

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  2. I have nothing to say but more power to you lady.

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  3. Um: WORD.

    Our transit system is like the baby sister of yours, but I ride it every day and I HATE THOSE FUCKING PEOPLE. A girl, much like Talky McFuckface here, approached me at the streetcar station today, looking right at me, with (what seemed to be) her ipod on and said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I was more than a little startled and started to formulate a brilliant response like, "Waiting for the streetcar, you dumb twat." when I realized she was talking on the phone. Or yelling on the phone, which she continued to do as we boarded and, I can only assume, after I got off at my stop. Whore.

    I can't wait to hear about how you smack Talky into next week next time she gets on your train. I look forward to it. :)

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  4. JJ, I love you. I love you for using words like Talky McFuckface and I love you for sacrificing your time on public transit when others (i.e. me) do not have to.
    I love you.

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  5. LMAO! I fear for the ppl on your train. Not that they don't deserve a little JJ vengence tho.

    I drive only 2 miles to work every day and don't even put my radio in 'cause I like those 5 minutes of quiet. In fact the only noise I hear is me yelling at the few people who have the nerve to drive like grandmas in front of me. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that at 6:15am in the 'burbs there shouldn't be anyone gettin' in my way. Apparently not everyone got the memo.

    If I had your kinda commute I wouldn't have lasted even 4 years before gettin' murdery.

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  6. JJ, you are totally making me love my 45 minutes in traffic every morning, since I drive myself and am ALONE. If I want to talk on the phone, listen to the radio, or sit in total silence, it is my choice.

    Maybe the reason they don't have good public transportation in the south is that one of us would pull out our Grandaddy's shotgun and make a hole in our fellow commuter that's even bigger than Talky McFuckface's mouth.

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  7. I have been taking Septa from the suburbs into Philadelphia for the last 8 years and I hate every minute of it. Luckily someone at Septa had the bright idea to start a "quiet car" on every train. This has been my saving grace. No cell phones, no talking, no loud music...pure heaven. If anyone tries to distrupt my quiet space they will be informed of the rules and shamed into moving to another car if they can't shut their yap.

    You just need to start commuting into PA instead of NY and all your problems will be solved :)

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  8. OMG, jumping in the Delorean and going back in time to junk kick 18 year old me sounds great. Why did we never bone Kevin? What exactly was the reason?

    Dude, I have a hard enough time dealing with the like 10 people I come in contact with every day at like the grocery store and stuff. I cannot imagine being packed in with all those people every day. You're my commuting hero. Such restraint you have!

    Love ya, JJ. I think if you were Rob's he'd totally spring for you to have door to door limo service every day. He's fucking thoughtful like that. <3

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  9. Ohhhh my god, I seriously love you as much as I love cheese (if you don't know what I'm talking about, follow my blog and you'll get it!)

    You know how I adore your afternoon commute tweets. I even wanted to dedicate a blog to SJJS (shit jenny jerkface says). I just died of laughter while reading this..which isn't easy considering I'm sick and everytime I barely laugh, I cough for 10 minutes straight. Thanks for being funny and almost killing me JJ.

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  10. JJ-You make me appreciate my bus commute! In the morning,everyone is too asleep to talk. AND I get a nice view of Escala on the way in. I wave at 50.

    Then there is the "crazy bus", as it was described by my new co-workers, that is a short 7 block transfer. It's been pretty tame,except for the day the lady was ranting about bathing in shit, and then haranguing people for ignoring her. (note: If you don't want people to ignore you, stop screaming about bathing habits that involve shit.)

    Would I rather drive? You bet. There I have audio books, a 4 speaker stereo and, even better,a commute time cut in half. But a year's worth of parking is equal to 2/3 of my annual property tax payment, so it isn't practical.

    Mass transit: Just another way to keep the masses docile by sucking the life out of them.

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  11. LOL! Love your 80's references to Rowdy Roddy Piper and BttF!!!

    Yeah, I don't get why people think we all want to listen to their conversations... Commuting sucks, but I figure it's better than the alternative of driving, at least I don't have to think too much about anything.

    The worst for me was when I had to stand all the way home sandwiched between gross warm dude, who kept pressing himself up against my back; and skin condition dude, who kept scratching while I was unable to stop watching the skin falling off his arm *shudders*

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  12. BWAHAHAHAHAA. I covet your sense of humor and your quick wit. You had me at Talky McFuckface and Twat-kicking.

    ILY JJ!

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  13. I don't have that type of commute but I feel that same type of rage at the Talky McFuckfaces who will not STFU at concerts. Seriously, people, you bought a ticket for the show. If all you wanted to do was prattle on and on to your fellow idiot girlfriend about what a douche for BF is, you should have saved your money and me the rage by staying home you miserable twat. Here's a hint: No. One. Cares.

    Sorry, had to vent. Just went to a concert and it was all I could do not to CP the 2 biotches standing in front of me.

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  14. JJ...great post.

    I don't know how you do it. I only take the MARTA (Moving Assholes Rapidly Through Atlanta) once in awhile and it usually takes every last drop of self control I have to not nut/twat punch every single person I see.

    Sometimes I can handle the people who smell like ass...because hey, they are homeless and their life sucks way more than mine, but the rude douche nozzle loud talkers on cell phones make me want to scream!!!!

    My cross to bear is having to travel for work and spending a few times each month in the lovely Hartsfield Jackson International Airport. Seriously...they should ban all cell phone use in or around public transit/airports...it is always just a bunch of self indulgent assholes talking way too loud about their lives that they think are so much more important than not spilling coffee on me and/or running me over with their roll-aboard suitcase!

    Thank gawd for my iPad...seriously...fan fiction anywhere....any time!

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  15. I fear for the lives and general safety of the people who commute with JJ... Except maybe the loud talkers. They have what's coming to them. Oh fuck it who am I kidding? If I had to do what she does to get to work every day, I wouldn't make it. I would be stopped in front of the subway turnstile one day digging through my bag for my metrocard and JJ would beat me to death with the beach umbrella she'd forcibly taken from the dolt she'd caught using it earlier...

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  16. @Royalwe1 - We have quiet cars too. Except they're at the back of the train and I would have to walk 6 cars up to get off at my stop. Don't ask, I don't get it either, lol.

    Incidentally, the last time I rode Septa I saw a full blown Jets vs. Sharks-esque fight between two groups of punks. It was... interesting.

    @TwiJourney - I swear the only reason there isn't more mayhem is because everyone in the NJ/NY KNOWS that at least 30% of the people riding transit are actually batshit crazy and will murder you if you engage them. That's why we actively ignore each other.

    @Jacksonstat - I get so irritated when people talk at concerts too. Makes me nuts.

    Btw, if my commute is delayed tonight (it's raining and NJ Transit has not yet figured out how to operate trains in the rain) I'm going to blow a gasket. But at least I have you lovely ladies to entertain me. :)

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  17. I cannot count the ways in which I love you. You made me laugh on a day where my biggest achievement has been going 30 minutes without bawling at work, so thank you.

    I really have envisioned packing it all up and moving to NJ just in the hopes of being your daily friend so I can be a witness to all the epic that is JJ. Someone needs to give you a reality show. Now.

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  18. Times like these I wish Emmett really existed. He, more than any of the others, would get such a kick of knocking their yakking heads off. Think of the blissful silence in the car after just one decapitation; and Emmett grinning like an undead Cheshire cat.

    I like to think JJ bought herself a little more time before the next mental explosion by venting here. But sadly, I doubt it.

    There is a quiet car on Amtrak, which I ride for about 200 miles each way once a week. No matter, there is always at least one (and usually more) asshole who talks. If you ask them to stop, they either call you a c*** (yes, happened more than once) or claim that their child/husband/mother is in surgery/at home dying/just got hit by a car.

    I keep trying, but it is wearing me down to a nubbin.

    So Jenny, my humble advice: turn up the iPod, close your eyes, and if that's not enough, think of the things Emmett could do to all of them, one by shrieking one.

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  19. BWAHAHAHAHA! @JJ when you actually do assault someone...do you think they'll let you blog from prison?!

    I'ld also like to add, that I have already started teaching my 5 year old the "you only call people before 9 am if someone has died" rule. If you don't live by this rule...start! The world would be a happier place without phone calls that happen at 7:30 am.

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  20. OMFG! ROFLMAO! I love you.
    I'm the type of person who thinks of something great to say 20 mintues later. And it's fantastic but the moment has passed.(it's a blond thing I guess) Usually, I just shout random obscenities in my head. But I'd like to be more vocal.(Which is a depart from my quiet nature. But the quiet ones are to be feared) I'd like to keep you on tweet standby the next time someone pisses me off, so that they get the appropriate expletive response they deserve. You kill me and I love it.
    Keep it coming, maybe you'll rub off. Dry humping not included.

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  21. In this case I'd like to point you to Larry David:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0uTi2qkgf0

    The best solution to loud talkers I've ever seen :)

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  22. Wow, I am really late on this post, but after I get married next May I'll be moving to northern NJ where my fiance grew up. I'll also be loving life daily on NJ Transit into NYC and back. Considering I now have a 12 mile commute and I'll soon have a 90 minute commute, it's going to take some major adjustment. I have little tolerance for slow people as is, so this could be a problem. JJ, I'm so going to need to pick your brain for coping techniques!

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