Thursday, December 16, 2010

Edward for Elephants. Er, I mean Water for Elephants. Won't Someone Please Think of the Elephants?

So, apparently there is this new movie coming out where Edward joins the circus, which I think is totally fucking perfect for him, what with his vampire-y sparkleness and ming-reading abilities and whatnot. He could totally scam the shit out of people and it would be awesome. Plus, circus people are a hell of a lot more interesting than that lame-Jane, Bella, whose only talent was apparently dressing badly and being really fucking emo.

You eventually get married and get to fuck Edward. Get over it.

Okay, okay, I'm just kidding. Except, Edward Joins the Circus would be a really kick-ass movie. And if any of you steal my idea, just remember Latchkey Wife is unstable and owns weapons-- and is on my side.

Anyhoo, what I'm really talking about is the trailer for Water for Elephants, which hit the interwebs yesterday, causing a fluttering of labia across the world. Or, maybe just the Twi-world, anyway.

Why, you might ask? Actually, scratch that. If you have to ask why, you've clearly stumbled across the wrong blog and need to get the fuck out of here, stat. Unless you're really brave (or a filthy h00r in the making)-- then you can stay.

Hey! Vet Jacob Jankowski! Humans are animals too, you know. And I have something I think you need to examine...

Where was I? Sorry, all the blood rushed to my delicate rose and I passed out for a moment after staring at the picture.

Oh yeah. Water for Elephants trailer:

There are three reasons why I really want to see this movie:
1) I read the book and liked it.
2) It has an elephant in it and I like them too.
3) Robert Pattinson is the portraying the main character and he looks hot as hell and I want him to ride me like a fucking circus monkey. Or something like that.

Naturally, I'm not the only one who has a thing or two to say about this new flick. Normally, we don't tag-team you lovely readers but I guess tonight... we were feeling a little orgy-ish.

Snarkier Than You's Two Cents:
Am I the only one who thinks the dramatic music in the beginning of this trailer sounds similar to the Twilight trailer??? Anyone??? I had a near-Pavlovian response to it. OK, I drooled. They won this round. But I would have drooled anyway. This was one of those "Just when I think I'm gettin' out, they draaaaaag me back in!" moments for me. Although for the sake of full disclosure, I am vaguely concerned that he hardly speaks. But he looks so damn pretty that I don't care anymore even right now.

Wha...??? Did someone not say something???
I was busy not paying attention to anything but this...
screencap from StrictlyRob via Robsessed

Texas Katherine's Two Cents:
Who doesn't love a trailer that starts with a good hammering? How long until April? I can not freaking wait to see Robward caring for animals instead of draining them. Uncle Sam, my tax return will be short $10 because it's a moral imperative I see this movie on April 15th. It doesn't hurt that I'm also a huge Reese Witherspoon fan. I might be screaming like a fangirl on the Ed Sullivan Show. (Did I just show my age? Fuck you all.) That trailer really made me want to ride...elephants.

You've got a little something on your face there. Let me just get that off. With my tongue.
Screencap from Strictly Rob via Robsessed

Latchkey Wife's Two Pennies...
After seeing so much of squeaky clean Edward Cullen, it will be refreshing to see Rob a little dirty and sweaty. It makes me kinda sweaty just thinking about it. And I'm going to want to lick him clean like a mother cat. I think I said it on Twitter last night - I'm fucked. I loved this book and I know I'm going to love the movie just as much. The trailer still leaves a lot to the imagination which I like, and even if RPattz doesn't utter more than a dozen words, he'll look so pretty it won't even matter. But my favorite part of the trailer was him lovingly holding on to the elephant's trunk - almost exactly the way I would hold on to his cock, if ever given the chance. The only difference is he never shoved that elephant's trunk in his mouth... Pleeeeeeeeease Santa, make April come soon!

This may have caused me to whimpered out loud in my office today... in front of a coworker.

Um, yeah. So there you have it. I think it's safe to say that we are all looking forward to seeing this flick. Honestly? I think it will be really worth it. But pray tell, what do you think?


  1. What I think is I just figured out how to get TH to go to this with me - he LOVES Christoph Waltz. He knows I love Reese Witherspoon (holla, TK!), and then I can just be all, "Oh, what? Rob is in this, too? Imagine that." (Mrs Fashion, if you're reading this, no calling me out on my plan, grrl.)

    BTW, I like the tag teaming. ;)

  2. Anything with Rob in it at this point is going to make me drool,squee,pant shamelessly and feel all gitty inside..I JUST NEEEEEED HIM. So there you have it..Of course I'll be there..I can't wait.

  3. I'm bringing my own mop bucket to this movie. Enough said.

    Is it April 15th yet?

    How 'bout now?

  4. As always, thank fuck for Twitarded. All the tweeting and pissing and moaning about the WFE trailer, and I can't even find the thing anywhere - so thank you ladies. RP looks delicious.

    I may even forgive you for not awarding me one of your special prize boxes.I'll take my Twitarded button now.


  5. TK, you bring the mop bucket, I'm bringing plastic to cover the seats. A couple million women ovulating all at once is gonna get messy. Anybody got any oxygen tanks to tote along?
    I cannot fucking WAIT for this movie. Rob, dirty, scruffy, sweaty, did I mention scruffy--yes please, may I have another? My copy of WFE has been, let's just say, mildy abused, just imagining Rob saying "Please, let me be inside you"---well, ok, if you insist. If those are the only words he utters in the entire movie, they will be enough.




  7. WTF were they thinking by having another actor portray Jacob in his nineties????? I was really really really looking forward to seeing Rob play the crotchety old dude. That would have been the opportunity for real challenge that had the potential for him to earn an Oscar. But noooooo! We only get Rob for young Jacob! What. The fuck?

    Is anyone else upset over this?

    Or am I just a total loser who should have known who was cast for all of the roles a year ago?

    (Shut it, bitches. I'm a winner. Snarky sez so - see yesterday's post.)

  8. I confess I only read the book because of the movie, but I really liked it. As for The Precious' lack of lines, you'll notice (on the 14th viewing when other parts of the trailer finally come into focus) that the only one to speak more than a few words is the legend Hal Holbrook. I thoroughly enjoyed the 'old Jacob' sections of the book so I'll be watching the movie with a critical eye on ALL of the characters, period costumes, historical accuracy, etc......

    Bwahahahahaha! Yeah, I'll be the one whimpering in the back row.

  9. I have been waiting for this to become a movie since I finished the book. Which was....About a month after it hit the shelves. I never in my days thought Rob would be playing Jacob (though I still have a weird twitch every time I think about him being CALLED 'Jacob'), but now there will never be another.

    Pretty sure that pretty pic of him with all of that ...ehem... cream on his face is from me. I was sitting on it.

  10. I can't wait to see it! I was eating dinner tonight & heard something about the movie on Enews & practically twisted my head off my shoulders to gawk at the TV & Rob's lovely face. I must check this book out from the library.

  11. Who knew Edward was a "ming-reader" that like a circus trick? guys NEVER have typos! I am the queen of them because my stupid effing lap top keyboard is a bitch. Spilled beer in it a year or so ago and it kinda gets sticky now and then...blah.

    Anyhoo, loved the book, can't wait to see the movie. That is all!

  12. I may or may not be watching the trailer on continuous loop in my bed with headphones on. Yep. I read this book about 3-4 years ago and really, really liked it. When I heard Rob was going to play Jacob I nearly slid off my chair. I keep meaning to re-read it with him in mind but I haven't yet.

    I think the trailer looks amazing and Rob, well, that shot with him holding Rosie's trunk does umentionable things to me. Actually LKW summed it up nicely. Yep, what she said.

    I so hope this movie will redeem our boy. Fingers crossed.

  13. Oh and @TheRugbyMom I kind of think Hal Holbrook looks a bit like Rob's dad Richard Pattinson and Rob looks a lot like his dad so......I actually think it works. Sidenote: I would love to see young photos of Rob's dad. You know just out of curiousity.

  14. Soooooooo excited. I've been waiting for this to be a movie for ever and then when I heard we were getting Robkowski..(swoon). The trailer does dirty dirty things to me so I can't wait.Is it wrong that I want to use some of my divorce settlement money to fly my ass out to LA for the premier of this flick instead of buying my kids things like shoes and food? I really don't think it is.
    @therugbymom _ I was kinda bummed when I saw were weren't going to get digitally age enhanced Rob too...I was weirdly excited at the prospect of old sexy Rob.

  15. I don't know which part I'm more excited for:
    -Seeing Christoph Waltz
    -Seeing The Precious.

    What can I say? I fucking love Inglourious Basterds and I really fucking love RPattz.

  16. Fuck Christmas, April will be when I frigging celebrate, while errr 'friggin' at the cinema me thinks. lol. He's so fucking hot my panties get all in a twist.

  17. This movie is the only thing keeping me going until November 2011 (apart from meeting some twi-h00rs, that is). The worrisome thing is that I can't find a NZ release date on the interwebs... fingers crossed it's the same as for everyone else!

  18. @sharilee OMG!? Does he really say "Please, let me be inside you"??? My heart may have stopped when I read that comment! I think I am dying! I WILL be hunting that book down in the morning!

  19. Just like the rest of you, I can't wait for this to hit the theatre! I just know it's gonna be fantastic. God he looks incredible!

    I'm such a dedicated fan that on opening day, instead of celebrating Mr. NotSmitten's birthday, I'll be ditching him and the kids to see WFE! I'm such a great wife.

  20. @sty - yes, I was also concerned at the lack words the pretty said in the trailer...but like the other h00rs on this blog if the only full sentence he utters is "please, let me be inside you" I will die a happy h00r.

    I read the book a while ago and loved it! I highly recommend it.

    Also, I am glad they have Hal playing old Jacob. I think he sort of has Rob features - eyes, strong chin. I really like him and don't think he will disappoint.

    I have never wanted Tax day to come so fast in my life!

  21. As usual you ladies are hilarious. Not to mention the trailer looks like I am going to be buying the book while I wait for the awesome to come out.

  22. I cant wait for this movie!!!! I enjoyed the Book a lot (I ran out and picked it up once I heard about the casting) and liked the story alot. I liked the story set in the 30's and it seemed to refresh my interest in the Circus of Years ago...
    Reese Witherspoon makes good movies and she always has the best love interests....Walberg, Rufalo, Rudd, her ex who's names that escapes me at this moment. To have her career!!! Le sigh

    Nice to see Rob with someone who smiles!!!

  23. @Fork Head: Yes. Yes he does. Get thee to a bookstore!

  24. I loved the book and started rereading it since Rob got the part but I keep getting distracted by ffn updates. This last picture you've posted is amazing to me. It's been a while since we've seen Rob in an ironed, wrinkle free shirt. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the movie and watching Rob handle the trunk.

  25. Cannot wait! Just finished reading this book last week and it is so good! I'm looking forward to this movie so much more than BD. Honestly, I don't care about BD at this point. Only 119 days to go!

  26. Lick. Lickety lickety lick lick lick. I'm sorry but that's just the only thing going through my mind right now after watching the trailer. (ummm...Robscicle)

  27. This book is WONDERFUL! Go read it right now if you haven't yet!!! I am DYING from seeing this trailer! He looks SO damn hot in this...

  28. The second Rob was cast, I bought the book and devoured it (GO READ IT if you haven't!), picturing him as Jacob all the way. And I have to say, my imagination didn't do him justice - he looks even yummier in the pictures and trailer than I imagined. I can NOT wait to see this movie. Will prob. talk my girlfriends into an opening-weekend showing :)

  29. I need to bed him repeatedly and make many babies. Holeeeeee shit.

  30. I bought the book before I ever knew there would be a movie. I loved the book and now I am ready to see if I will love the movie. I am looking forward to it. I love Reese, I love Hal and I like Rob. It should be pretty good.

  31. Clearly I'm a dork had no idea that there is such a thing as a "ming-reader"....I should have figured JJ would never make a typo :)

    xo J

  32. @Suzspetals - I only read the book after I heard about the movie too. Kinda like Twilight, lol.

    @TwiredJen - Dammit! I was sooooo ready to tease you mercilessly about that. Mwah!

  33. "causing a fluttering of labia across the world."
    Well, is the precious really all THAT precious? I guess if he keeps inspiring spontaneous global labia flutters, perhaps precipitating another two degree rise in temperature and pheromones via this newly identified tipping point (wait till he's given the line "just the tip baby") can I NOT like this guy?

    Long live the Global Fluttering Labia movement!! ..and the ways JJ has with helpless words! ..and gods help the merely mortal, sparkle peen-less, men on this rock.

    This is all still quite amazing!

  34. "Who doesn't love a trailer that starts with a good hammering?"

    LMAO! OMGawd, that's frickn' hillarious!

  35. *trying to imagine the sound of a million flapping labii on tax day* <-- there's a h00r joke in there somewhere.....

    mine shall be all aflutter, right alongside yourn...... UNF

  36. "Please, let me be inside you"-- Oh for the love Rob... Let him say that PLZZZZ. I fear spontaneous cumbustion on the spot!

    I can't wait for Bel Ami and WFE bc I dunno, I think it will be kinda fucking hot, him being w/ an older woman. Maybe cos I'm thinking she'll not be all uptight and nunly (that's a word right?) and really know how to work him.

    *Makes mental note*
    -Sew some Shamwow lined panties before premier night.
    -Shit. Learn how to sew.

  37. LOL, Who doesn't love a trailer that starts with a good hammering? That is awesome.

    I. Cannot. Frickin. Wait.

    Loved the book. Read it a long time ago in book club and was beyond excited when I heard Rob would be playing Jacob.

    Rob looks beautiful. Seriously. The man does things to me. Everywhere.

  38. Um wha?....
    Oh, I'm sorry, I was busy drooling over the screen caps from the trailer.... oh yeah, the movie. Um.... what was the question again?........

  39. I am leaving work and heading straight to the bookstore! I have not stopped watching this trailer for 2 days now - shared it with my co-worker today after the bosses left. We were both getting all misty-eyed over it. Opening night party is being planned as we speak!

  40. I was mesmerized by his eyes... Gosh, that pouty lower lip... What are we supposed to talk about again???

  41. Rob is just luscious in the trailer! Can't wait for the movie! The book was awesome and reading with Rob in character warmed my girly parts.

    Soon after this is supposed to be Bel Ami (not as good a read) but Rob fu**king his way up the Parisian social scene sounds yummy too!

  42. Oh JJ, you had me at "fluttering of labia." I fucking love you! :)

    I absolutely loved the book and would just like to say I have never been so excited about tax day in my life!!!

    As far as his lack of dialouge in the trailer...who gives a flying fuck?!? I could care less if he speaks more than two sentences, my panties will still be going up in flames!

    @TK, the mop bucket is probably a good idea. I will also be taking a ShamWow to sit on, just as a common courtesy to others who will occupy the theater seat after me!

    And finally, thanks for that last made my vag whimper!
    Love you h00rs! xo

  43. oohhhh it gives me goose bumps from head to toe. Wow, he's gorgeous. How many days do we have to wait?

  44. OMG... I wathced it like ten times and now need a cold shower and i laughed my ASS off when you said the thing about holding the elephant trunk like his cock cuz i thought the SAME THING! hahahahahaha! love this blog! ;)


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