Sunday, December 5, 2010

Red Riding Hood = Twilight + Sleepy Hollow + Some Chick With Really Big Eyes

I'm cranky. We're all cranky. It's been brought to my attention that nearly all of us who are active participants in keeping this blog running seem to be slowly getting on the same menstrual cycle. I'm seriously not even joking about this. It's a little scary.

I believe the locusts are coming next.

Anyway, I don't know if it's because of hormones, or my over-inflated ego or what but...

Red Riding Hood is going to suck.

First of all, who the hell wants to watch a movie about some dumbass chick who wanders off a trail to pick some flowers and is so fucking stupid that she doesn't realize a wolf is impersonating her Grandmother. Or something like that. Hey, it's been awhile since I last read it, okay?

Also, she's a whore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's going to suck because Catherine the Cougar is the director or anything, I'm saying the movie will blow chunks because the premise of the film is dumb. It's like someone took Twilight and Sleepy Hollow, put them in a blender, took a shit on them, and then taped it back together.






See what I mean? The entire premise is the same old village-haunted-by-murderous-mythical-thingy. There's even a primitive dancing scene in both trailers. I guess people did a lot of primitive dancing back in the day, especially when their fellow villagers were being picked off one by one in terribly gruesome ways.

Because, you know, if there was a raging homicidal legend lurking around my town, I'd totally be doing the Roger Rabbit.

Okay, now that we've gotten the similarities between Sleepy Hollow and Red Riding Hood out of the way, let's focus on what seems so... Twilight-y about this flick.
  • Forbidden love
  • Possibly supernatural love interest who is dangerous
  • A love triangle/fight/whatever the fuck you call it.
  • A wolf
  • Billy Burke
  • The Volturi
Oh mah gahd, it's the fuckin' Volturi!!! Run!!!

There, I rest my case. If the big bad wolf sparkles in the sunlight or the heroine has a wicked twitch, I'm going to be super pissed. Just sayin'.

Naturally, the fact that I think this movie will be terrible isn't going to stop me from watching it [note from STY: yup, I totally want to see Red Twilight Hood, too!]. After all, if I had refused to watch a movie based on the assumption that it was going to be an abomination, well, I suppose I wouldn't be writing for this blog. Because it wouldn't exist.

36 comments:

  1. I'm typing this doubled over in cramps. Good times. Apparently this phenomenon has extended to your readers too?

    Red Riding Hood looks so fucking lame. Mr CC and I laughed at the trailer in the theatre. To the point where we got dirty looks.

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  2. That was the best vitriolic spew ever. Brings a tear to my eye. Especially "After all, if I had refused to watch a movie based on the assumption that it was going to be an abomination, well, I suppose I wouldn't be writing for this blog. Because it wouldn't exist."
    What a summation of the Twi-Life. If we avoided something solely because we thought it was going to be crap where would we be? Physically in the same place sans our potty mouths and teen girl obsessions. What a depressing thought.

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  3. Um... I want to see it too. xoxo

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  4. OMG. When I first saw the trailer for this one, long before they showed the title, I looked at it with scorn and said sarcastically, "WTF is this supposed to be? Little Red Riding Hood?!"

    *facepalm*

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  5. The only reason this movie got my attention in the first place was Billy Burke, soooo... I guess I'm going to see it whether it sucks or not :)

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  6. Meh. Maybe I'll watch it. The lead guy in there is kind of hot and it's got Gary Oldman in it and he's fuckin' insane with talent. Plus it's got the kid from 'Witness' and he looks creepy in the trailer.

    Is it just me or was the music in the beginning of the trailer reminiscent of that in Twilight?

    I'm curious to see what Cougarwicke does with this though. 'Thirteen' is good, 'Lords of Dogtown' is one of my all time favorite movies and 'Twilight' is, well, it's Twilight so I gotta love it no matter how craptastic it is.

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  7. I only want to see this movie because of Gary Oldman

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  8. Yeah it looks totally stupid.

    Which means, of course I want to see it. I mean Billy Burke and Gary Oldman? I'm there.

    FYI- I want the last name Oldman. Except I'd capitalize the M so it was OldMan and then be one of those peeps who just goes by their last name. People would meet me and be really confused that I'm not an old man.

    PS- good luck with the cramps. I understand completely, I feel like someone is stabbing my uterus with a hot fire poker for 1 week out of the month.

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  9. I could care less about the story, all I want is the eye candy (hello, Shiloh Fernandez). Besides, it looks like a movie I can ask my SO to take me to without him whimpering in pain.
    And by the looks of the trailer there's some major sexing up in it which was sadly lacking in that other movie Cathy the Cougar made, what was it again Moonlight, Daylight whatevs.

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  10. still looking for my vampDecember 5, 2010 at 10:54 PM

    It looks wonderfully horrible. And the eye candy...NOM NOM NOM.

    And JJ..

    "After all, if I had refused to watch a movie based on the assumption that it was going to be an abomination, well, I suppose I wouldn't be writing for this blog. Because it wouldn't exist."

    Fucking BEAUTIFUL line. A piece of art.

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  11. I am cranky too...is everyone in this fandom on their fucking period?!? FML!

    Yeah, this movie is obviously gonna suck ass. Therefore, where do I get a ticket? Why not right? I hear Billy Burke will be in tights so that alone was enough to lure me in.

    And JJ, you are slaying me with this post..."If the big bad wolf sparkles in the sunlight or the heroine has a wicked twitch, I'm going to be super pissed."

    "After all, if I had refused to watch a movie based on the assumption that it was going to be an abomination, well, I suppose I wouldn't be writing for this blog. Because it wouldn't exist."

    I fucking love it...that is all!

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  12. Well, all that you said...BUT, Gary-fucking-Oldman...c'mon! (love him!) And, I think RR snow looks way better than Eclipse snow. And some hot leg hitching up against a log cabin wall? I'm thinking at least see it OnDemand...right? And then maybe some new and improved fics to read?

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  13. Well, I am looking forward to Little Red Riding Whore, but don't mind me. I am the only person in the universe who actually liked "Cop Rock". FML.

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  14. I'll prob wait for the DVD. I didn't see Billy Burke ONCE in that preview. Also, you forgot to include "Hero is a cheap imitation of Edward" in your list of similarities to Twilight.

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  15. I didn't even know it was a movie until 2 minutes ago. Meh, don't think I'll bother.

    BTW, your 'phenomenon' extends across the globe, baby. Aunt Flo can fuck right off now, as far as I'm concerned. My uterus and I are not currently on speaking terms. TMI?

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  16. JJ, you had me at Roger Rabbit.

    I can't wait to see this movie on DVD. I need to mute it & make up my own lines. Or just dub the Twilight soundtrack over it. Either way.

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  17. I read that the young hot guy was lined up to play Edward until Rob and Kristen got all that chemistry at Catherine's house. I just want to see it so I can compare to what she did with Twilight.

    I love this blog! You ladies are awesome <3

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  18. yeah, no way I'll pay money to see this one. the trailer totally screams "I directed Twilight" c'mon Cathi, show us something different.

    and I still say NO WAY could Shiloh Fernandez have ever played a decent Edward Cullen!!! TEAM ROB!!

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  20. OMG!! I saw the trailer for this when I went to see Harry Potter! I laughed a little, realized that the wolf guy (I am assuming he's the wolf guy)had a couple of the exact same lines as Edward in Twilight, then I leaned over to my friend & said "I really want to see that." Sooooo...while it may suck & be almost a copy of Twilight and other movies I will totally be going to see this. But not at midnight on a Thurday. That makes all the difference in the worl right?? Hello? I am right, right? :-)

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  21. With all the Edwardisms I just have to see this..And, I like stupid shit like this so..I'll have to drag LKW with me to this one..So we can LOUD talk throught the movie at the Twisimilarities..

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  22. Anyone else think that this is just a copy of The Village? Looks exactly the same. Red cloaks, pretty girl, the villain among them.

    Also - did they recycle Twilight footage for this trailer? The shot of the mountains at 00:28 looks exactly like the Twilight trailer. C'mon, CH, let's not get lazy now.

    I do love: a) Gary Oldman, b) Billy Burke, c) Amanda Seyfried, and d) creepy movies, so I still might see this one.

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  23. Wow - how did I miss Sleepy Hollow??? Johnny Depp???? Young Johnny Depp, gorgeous, hot, beautiful, sexy Johnny Depp???? I'm going to Netflix right now and get this.

    I think Red Riding Hood will be fun, fun to watch and fun to make fun of.

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  24. Oh, and http://hollywoodcrush.mtv.com/2010/11/18/red-riding-hood-twilight-similarities/

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  25. @DD - Loudly discussing the twisimlarities... I like your style!!! :)

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  26. Saw this trailer for the first time about a week ago -- and was STUNNED at the similarities. It seemed almost "copyright infringement-ish" Bizarre. It looked pretty lame...yet, like the others..I do love me some Billy Burke and Gary Oldman. Don't know if old bug eyes cancels them out or not..not a fan of hers. So, probably will see it on video down the road....

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  27. love that there is an actual LEG HITCH in the RRH trailer - lol!!

    I thinks this one will have to wait for the dvd - I can't get past the title, somehow...

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  28. Dood. What the hellfuck. I totally got hit by the red witch of the south, and I fully concur with the shittiness that will be this movie. The Bentist brought up the Sleepy Hollow likenesses, but I don't see it. I am not excited about this, but I will go see it. Mostly because I actually do like Amanda Seyfried, especially when she's kicking the SHIT out of Megan Fox. And Billy Burke. Is hot.

    And then we will bash it to hell. Because that's how we roll.

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  29. Since we're in overshare mode, I only get visits from Aunt Flo every other month since steroids fucked up my ovaries, but when she does they're horrifically painful. I didn't get them at all for a few years. Gooooood times.

    I never heard of this movie till just now. I see the Sleepy Hollow similarities a little, but that had its own look, courtesy of the great Tim Burton (yes, I'm aware he's made some craptastic movies, but I still love him). This looks more like the Brothers Grimm *snore* Definitely has a bit of a 'Twilight goes Medieval' vibe too.

    Meh. I'll see it on DVD. Anything with Gary Oldman is worth seeing once. I've kinda had a crush on him since I saw him in Dracula.

    @Fanficzombie: Bugeyes! I'm so with you she freaks me the fuck out.

    vw: intushi. No thanks.

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  30. Ah, I actually really want to see this in the theatre. Is that bad?

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  31. Yup, I wanna see it too! And I know just the victim to take with me... although I think she talks about dragging me earlier in the comments so I guess I'm the victim! Yes DD - we'll be seeing this one and snickering very loudly!

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  32. Interesting how it seems that Twitards are starting to have the same cycle. This poor, poor world....Twi-bitches gone global....WTF----->which was also the comment I made when I saw the RRH preview in the theater. But I will be like you and see it, cuz I would never watch it in my home. My ADD would get a hold of me when I get bored and I'd find something else to do. AAAAANNNNNND....am I blind or was BB not in any of the previews???

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  33. She just may well be a whore, but I want those shoes!!!

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  34. Um... the Twi-Uteran phenomenon seems to have spread to South Africa. Beware world, Twi-Bitches with PMS on an international scale...

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  35. The hot dude's hair reminded me of "Dances With Wolves" when Kevin Costner gave himself and the Native Americans 80's hair. I love that this hero had Edward-on-a-bad-day hair and this was from, like, 200 years ago or something. They didn't have hair gel then. Or molding mud or whatever.

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  36. I am TOTES with My Other Car; "I see The Village." I even had this link ready to add to my post, so, I guess I'm just saying 'me, too!!" and puttin a link on here. :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrpaHN5WqvQ

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