Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Twilight Fans vs Other Fandoms: A Cage Match

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but this is the first fandom with which I've ever been involved. I lurved me some Firefly back in the day (OMG why did they cancel that show?!!), but I've never sought out any other fans of the series. I've never read a book, seen a movie or listened to any music that made me think 'I must talk to someone about this right the fuck noooow!' Until Twilight. Fan fiction was a foreign concept to me. Fan blogs—whazzat? Conventions—like where losers get dressed up and shit? No thanks. Like Aladdin and his damn carpet, Twilight opened up a whole new world for me.

It's been brought to my attention that other fandoms exist. (I know. I didn't care either, but stay with me here.) Some people who shall remain nameless, but who frequently star in my nightmares, introduced me to Titanic fan fiction and Spongebob slash fanfic. I'll spare you the details as my therapist has urged me to repress the memories. Unfortunately, today one of the other fandoms crossed the line. The real Justin Bieber started following @Donnersun on Twitter. Donnersun is a loyal Twitard, but something about her lured in the head Belieber. Yes, his fans call themselves Beliebers. Now she has a whole slew of "true Beliebers" following her. This unchecked aggression will not stand.

Where is the Whack-a-Mole mallet when you need it?

How would Twilight fans fare against other rabid fans? Let's break this down.

Beliebers vs Twilight Fans

I'm assuming Twilight fans are generally older than the Beaver kid's fans. I'm basing this assumption off the fact that being a Twi fan requires reading skills. I know nothing about this kid's music, but I do know potty training isn't even a prerequisite. They may be younger and spry, but we are merciless and armed with battle-hardened ninja skills. Plus, we're not weighed down by shit pants. Sure, they can commit crimes in the name of the Beav and have it wiped from their juvenile records. On the flip side, we don't need our moms to drive the getaway station wagon.I recently took a quiz at The Oatmeal about how many Justin Biebers I could take in a fight. Twenty-eight, bitches. Twenty-eight. Suck on that. We win.

Trekkies vs Twilight Fans

Save for the impending zombie apocalypse, I don't ever see a time when Twilight and Star Trek fans would clash. We poke a lot of fun here at the Twilight costumes. Alice may be dressed like Lil' Lord Fauntelroy, but Trekkies wear unitards. Unitards, I say. Also, they rely on laser guns and weapons from the future for protection. Last time I checked, tearing a person apart and burning the pieces will kill you in any era. We win.

I will smash your phaser and spike your head on the ground like it's my job.

Star Wars Fans vs Twilight Fans

I'm pretty much signing my own death certificate here by attacking lovers and haters of the Galactic Empire. Go big or go home, I say. Twilight is so far superior to the space western, I don't even know where to begin.

The 'hold on tight, spidermonkey' pose: they did it first.

Twilight did it better.

While Twilight fans are busy being awesome, Star Wars fans are busy looking for droids and trying to bed their Jedi sisters. I will admit that I wrote most of the Going Down? one-shot with Star Wars playing in the background. Darth Vader almost made a couple of unintentional cameos. Star Wars and sexy times don't mix. Let's take this down to the brass tacks. Twilight fans are getting laid. A lot. Star Wars fans are pinning all their hopes on sex robots. We win.

Other fandoms, take note: You are our bitch now.


  1. Jesus, TK. You could have at least specified that I have never, ever heard a Beaver song and he only followed me after I threatened to throw a full can of Miller Lite at his head. You made it sound like I'm a true Belieber. ;-)

    If I have to block one more of his fucking fans I'm going to really lose my shit. They are quite rabid.

  2. 'I know. I didn't care either, but stay with me here'
    dude, I did. And it was awesome.

    TK, I'm stealing these words back into my 2% of a brain, mk? Because that's exactly what I think! (or pretend to when I'm making serious faces in front of the mirror. Oh, wait. I'd be a great Belieber! :P)


  3. So effin hilarious!!! Pooor @donnersun, I'm sure that once she shows her true nature the parental controls on the Beav's computer will kick in & put an end to her misery.

    As for the other fandoms, they are most definitely our bitches! But what about the Harry Potter crowd? I'm not a big follower, but I know lots of twitards who are. I wonder how that cage match would go....hmmmmm.

  4. Okay, no joking aside. I posted my 1st comment and the box came back up and the v/w is 'eyestest'. Like all those who think the Beaver us cute *gags* should get their eyes tested.

  5. There are two fandoms I've been involved in over the years that compare to Twilight (for me). One is the Buffy-verse. The other is Tori Amos. Both have very rabid fans. Both have very active online fan bases. The Buffy-verse was where I was first introduced to fan-fic.Dirty fan-fic. And that is why I think the Twilight fan fiction is pretty lame overall -- because it's been done before (and better).

  6. I feel bad for all the people who are not reading this blog! They are going to die so much sooner.
    All the laughing is going to make me a very old "lady" !!!!

  7. So true TK and so damn funny! First and only other fandom I was involved in was for a specific star in the Star Wars saga over six years ago. But, being a Twilight fan has been so much more fun and rewarding, thanks to the Twitarded bitches. I will be forever thankful to JJ and Snarky for hooking me up to fanfic a/k/a porn! Oh, and my hubs thanks you too - he just doesn't know it!

  8. Justin Bieber...just that name alone sent me into spasms of laughter.

  9. "If you play a Justin Bieber song backwards, you hear satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards, you hear Justin Bieber."

    I had this status on my fb page last week and when I went home for christmas, I had 3 people in my family tell me at different times and on different days that they thought it was the most awesome thing they've ever read. I wish I could take credit for it, but I can't. I don't remember where I found it.

    FYI I just DIED on the spider monkey picture!!! F'ing awesome!

    Dude someone named Bieberducks started following me on fb a while ago. Seriously wtf..it was a picture of a duck with bieber hair. Bieber fans or "beliebers" definitely lose. They're right up there with Jesse McCartney and Aaron Carter fans. Not gonna lie, I do have a bieber song on my ipod but that's because usher is in it. I also played it at my h.s. reunion as a joke to see if anyone noticed but sadly (and luckily) I was in the bathroom when it came on.

    I really hope he hits puberty soon and peaces the F out of the singing/celeb world. I'm sick of his face, hair, songs and chipmunk teeth.

  10. omgggg! You crack me up. Thanks for enlightening me on other fandoms. I had no idea they existed, like life on other planets. I'll have to not check them out. lol

  11. Buahahahaha..... Meg's a belieber!

    Your tweets were fucking hilarious this afternoon, but I did feel sorry for you. Protected tweets are a godsend, I find. The beebs, on the other hand, should be sent right back.

    Now can we NEVER speak of him in Twitardia again, please? *passes the brain bleach*

    W/V - lowingg: we are lowingg our standards even mentioning the fringed one.

  12. Something is wrong with that "how many Justin Bieber's can you take on quiz". It says I can take on 17. Puh-lease, I can take on a hundred of him and his stupid, rabid fangirls.

    I would hate to see how a Twilight vs. Harry Potter cage match would turn out. Twilight-hating Potterphiles are not the nicest people in the world. Don't believe me, well, there was this time when mugglenet posted an interview with Jamie Campbell Bower and the comments section turned into a flame war about how much Twilight sucks.

    It's not easy being obsessed with both Harry Potter and Twilight and I really hate it when it feels like I have to pick between one or the other. I have my reasons to like them and I have my problems with them.

  13. Aaaaaaaaaand this is why I flove you!! And that was even before reading you could take on 27 Beliebers single-handedly!

    The spider-monkey bit-LMAO!!!

  14. I had 15 more Beliebers follow me overnight. True story. It's like they just sit around watching his follow list...creepy. On the other hand, I was considering becoming friends with one of them in order to learn more about their mad stalking skillz. Could come in handy. *cough*setstalking*cough*

    They're also now tweeting me (and TK! hahaha serves you right, bitch) and asking us to follow back.

    Also, if anyone wants a taste of some Spongebob slash, I can hook you up. You have to sign a disclaimer first, though. I will not be held responsible for any negative reactions that may happen after you read it. ;-)

  15. When TK and I get tweeting, the auto parts tweeters start following.

    Reminds me of the line from Fried Green Tomatoes: "I'm older and have more insurance"

    That says everything about our relationship, @TexasKatherine


  16. Dear sweet @donnersun... you are pretty much the last person I would ever guess that JB would follow. And I mean that as a compliment. How did you get into this mess anyway?

    TK, you crack me up! "I know, I didn't care either, but stay with me here." LMAO!

    A friend of mine told me a long time ago about fanfiction.net because she was reading The Office ff, and I stifled a laugh. Oh, the irony.

  17. I can take 31 Biebers in a fight. Just sayin'.

    And the spider monkey pics fucking killed me.

  18. @TK: you go girl!!
    I think I said this before,
    Justin is Miley Cyrus in disguise!and visa-versa!
    When my daughter hears his "Baby" song on the radio, she mad-libs it. It's hilarious!

    Yes, I can drive myself to my Twi-obsessions & order alcohol!

    @donnersun: Protect your tweets!

  19. Well, I have to admit. My mom introduced me to Twilight... and she is an original Trekkie. She joined a fanclub and was a local "captain" and everything. She did volunteer work for Creation and has old stories about them (they do the official Twilight conventions now). I actually joined her at one of them in the 90's and have pictures of me kissing a Borg (Seven of Nine is hot... just saying).

    I was also an original subscriber of the Star Wars fan club newsletter (Bantha Tracks for those of you following along at home) and read many, many fan written books (which are like fan-fic but authorized by Lucas so only the really good ones get published).

    Anyway... beyond the photographic evidence and mimeographed newsletters to the contrary, I still wasn't so into it that I went to meetings or anything (which has got to be the pre-internet equivalent) and my Star Wars haunting days were all when I was a teenager.

    Then when I was 40 I saw Adam Lambert on TV. I don't know what hit me but I had to have more. I went online and went crazy. I actually became an Admin on a fan website/blog of his and go to all of his concerts in the area, have thrown pre-parties etc. One of my good Adam fans from Chicago was crowed "biggest Adam Labert fan" by Oprah.... yes that Oprah. I even attended a baby shower for one of his band mates (I could never get that close to a Twilight star).

    Any-who. I'm going to postulate that Adam Lambert fans might be able to take a Twi-fan in a fight... at least it would look like it on the surface. They have experience and dress like goth punks. Some of them might be able to hit you with their cane, although they might be dragged down with their depends. Okay, maybe I'm being a bit harsh.
    Just two weeks ago, I found myself waiting in line for 9 hours each day for concerts on two consecutive days, there were fans both young and old. Also... Twilight fans could take them in numbers. There are definitely more Twi-fans than Adam Lambert fans.

  20. I knew of the Buffy universe because one of my old friends used to write Buffy Fan Fiction. I never understood... but now I do ;)

    I just ignore JB and all is right in my world :)

    wv: baccon!! Bacon so good it has two c's LOL!!

  21. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I have to admit that I've always wanted to go to a Star Trek or Star Wars convention. I really want to see all the people dressed up! It would be GREAT PEOPLE WATCHING!!

    Great post TK, but I noticed you didn't touch the Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings fans. lol. Have to say I never followed a blog for either of those movie series but I am still a fan of both. I also kinda like the Beiber kid. I wouldn't call myself a fan but I saw him on the Graham Norton show & I thought he was kinda funny for someone that I am like 15 years older than.

  22. @dangrdafne, I was just going to ask for a friend (no, really) for Buffy fanfiction recommendations. Email me, please! ladyspinning at gmail dot com.

    I've been to X-File and U2 conventions. having an obsessive personality is fun with the Prettah!

  23. I can take 32 biebers. Just Saying...
    But you omitted the mother of all battles. What about Harry Potter Fans vs Twitards?

  24. Okay, DON'T throw things at me. I was once, many years ago and in the midst of the end of a very unhappy marriage, a HUGE *gulp* Ricky Martin fan. I saw him in concert 3 times, went to NY to see him on the Today show, and was on a RM message board daily. Thankfully, after the divorce I found my sanity and moved on with real life!

    I am a big fan of the HP books, and refused to read Twilight because I thought it was an HP rip off. DON'T HIT ME! BUT, my sister got me to read Twilight and now I love the books so much that I read them over and over again.

    @Jaymes805: I had to steal your Bieber quote to post on my niece's FB wall. I can't stand him but I had to buy her a Justin Bieber board game for Christmas and she went to his concert a couple of weeks ago and now wants to marry him. Makes me wanna toss my cookies.

    I love when my 3 year old says his name. She calls him "Justin Beaver" too! You are a riot, TK!

  25. I can take on 26 in a fight. Sadly, one of those might be my 13 yr old. However, I am a true solider of Twitardia and will do what I have to in order to protect our Nation.

    P.s. It looks like JB threw up in her room, it was a very Belieber xmas for her. At least my oldest has some common sense and good taste. She is Team Jacob.

  26. I remain scarred from the time I saw that JB fanfic exists *heave*. I didn't look into it to check if it was true btw lol.

  27. Well, assuming these other mythological fandoms really do exist, there is no way in hell they'd ever stand a chance against Twilight fans. And Twitards are the secret elite force that the Twilight fans only whisper about amongst themselves with awe. We have skills that those other fandoms never even dreamed of, plus the power of the Pattinson Panties (thanks to RedBella!). Long live the sparkle peen :)

  28. HI-larious, TK!! ((MUAH))

    While until Twilight I'd never really become part of a fandom, they have always piqued my interest. I love all things nerdy and would totally dress up as princess Leia for a Star Wars convention. The hubs and I have talked a few times (jokingly) about going to BlizzCon (World of Warcraft) and dressing up just cause it would be a fuckload of fun! I heart nerds. NERD POWER ACTIVATED!

    v/w: cilit. "Oh it's a Belieber!! Cilit!!" ;)

  29. I actually started to cackle!
    Yes there is a wonderful Twilight Fandom.:)

    I find it very amusing that it is so correct that we are ALL GETTING LAID, much more than the other fandoms hands down!

    Twilight definitely did the spider monkey much better.

    My kids call Justin Beiber Justin beaver, it kinda makes me giggle a little , in an immature way.


    "Plus, we're not weighed down by shit pants".

    THAT is sum fucking high-larious shit you penned there, girly. srsly.

    ps. i fucking LOVE ME SOME BIEB.

    ooh yeah, i said it. life's just too short to hate. plus he's got luda. luuuuuuu-da.

    FUCK H8.

    ~derrydown green

  31. Oh my fucking gawd TK....I love you so much! I just read this as I have had house guests and have had not a moment to myself in days. Brilliant....fucking brilliant. The photo of Yoda on Luke's back nearly made me pee my pants....thank fucking gawd for pantyliners...that is all I can say.

    We rule!


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