Tuesday, January 11, 2011

When You Love Twilight Too Much

Last night's post got me all nostalgic for those early Twilighty feelings. You know, when everything was fresh and new and ZOMG TWILIGHT WAS THE MOST AMAZEBALLS THING ON THE PLANET!!! I love the unfettered enthusiasm of Twilight fans. I love how fans can relate anything to Twilight in a way that makes the Kevin Bacon game look like fucking amateur hour.

Six degrees is for little bitches. If you can't link something in two or less you fail at life.

I'm amazed by the talent and creativity in this fandom. Being completely devoid of both, I am in awe of what some of you can create. My hat is off to you. (I never wear hats, but let's just pretend.)

I do think it's possible to love Twilight too much. If I weren't so lazy, I'd create a fandom handbook. Unfortunately, (or fortunately for some of you) I am lazy so we'll just hit the high points. Try to keep up because we're going to hit this fast and hard. TWSS.

I Googled "twilight fan fail" and lookie, lookie who I see. Ohai, Latchkey Wife!

Ok. Moving along to the first lesson.

FAIL: This baby's diaper rash is only about the 5th thing wrong with this picture. I shouldn't have to say this, but baby tramp stamps are wrong on so many levels. Don't come crying to me when your kid hocks your jewelry for therapy sessions in 15 years.

TK approved: If you must mark your baby, this is the only acceptable manner. A cute onesie like this one or the one in the Twitarded Cafe Press store [shameless plug] is less likely to get you stabbed in the night by your spawn.

FAIL: ZOMG! Mr. TK has been wanting the Alice choker! Happy Father's Day to him!

TK approved: Need to show your dual love for Twilight and your man? Try this instead. It will score more points than the Alice choker or the slap bracelets. Trust.

FAIL: If I have to explain what's wrong with this picture then you are beyond help. If you guessed that her picture is crooked then you are correct. (Does anyone else have the urge to find Waldo in this scene? Just me? Fine, be like that.) It's possible I'm defensive because I have quite a few of these items hidden in my super secret stash. Whatever.

TK approved: This makes me want to drag my Christmas tree from the scrap heap for a do over. Very pretty. I really love the plastic forks hidden in there.

FAIL: Meeting The Precious—you're doing it wrong. First off, I wouldn't even approach this man if I had 3 inches worth of roots. As a general rule, jumping on a stranger's back does not engender warm fuzzies from them. What it does engender is a facepunch from every normal fan.

TK approved: Adorable. The girl is cute too.

I feel like I should warn you before this next picture. Pregnant women and people with heart conditions may want to skip ahead.

FAIL! FAIL! FAIL: If Edward Cullen fucked E.T. is what I'm saying here. This is a body pillow. A disproportionate body pillow with a go, go Gadget neck. I can't even.

TK approved: Need a place to rest your weary head while reading fan fiction into the wee hours of the morning? This is sweet. And it doesn't have arms like the Lost in Space robot.

FAIL: This is billed as "Twilight-inspired prom wear." Wrong. This make me appreciate the gawd-awful costumes in the movie.

TK approved: This chick took a FSE to the prom. I want to be her and marry her at the same time. While the rest of these teen girls will be thinking, "I went to the prom with that douchebag?!" this chick can say, "I had the hottest and least annoying date ever, bitches!"

FAIL: This lesson transcends Twilight. Know your strengths. If baking isn't one of them then leave it to the professionals. I could do a whole post (and might later) on awesome Twilight cakes. Nom nom. This is not one of them. I've excreted stuff that looked more appetizing than this.

TK approved: This is still one of my favorite things ever. It's simple yet clever. And probably delicious. Like me. Kidding!

Twilight is what brought us all together. I sometimes wish I could rewind time and experience this all again for the first time. I also wish I could rewind time and un-see that fucking Edward body pillow. That will haunt my dreams for some time to come. I ask only that you remember we few, we happy few, we band of h00rs, carry the Twilight banner. Be fierce, my friends, but above all, be classy. Er, in a h00rish way, natch.


  1. I love Twilight Fail. And your comments just made me love it more.

    I am an advocate for classy obsession. I don't want to ever own ugly Twi-merch. As if I need another reason for The Bentist to take steps to run out the door.

    The FSE prom date? Fucking RIGHT ON. And she didn't even have to worry about her date fumbling to get in her panties. She just grabbed her Vamp (another TK approval, yes?) and strap it in to FSE's convenient hole, and just rode him into town. At least...that's what I would have done.

  2. You never fail... you are hilarious!!! I think I woke up my daughter laughing so hard. Oops

  3. I would just like to say that if and when I have a baby, it's SOOOO wearing that Twitarded onsie...and I will have no problems pimping out my kid in said onsie.

    Just sayin'!

    xo J

  4. Another TK classic. I am laughing so hard I needed my inhaler just now. JSYK.

    When I have a kid, I'm gonna NEED that cute onesie. We have relatively little twi-merch here in NZ but I agree, needs to be/stay classy, San Diego! The only merch I have - aside from mini-E, are the fuckawesome cards and pressies my h00rs have sent me.

    When I get to the US tho, jeezus I'm gonna need a spare suitcase for all the merch I'm gonna bring home with me!

    I flove Twitards. Hard.

  5. haha, that prom date is hilarious!
    My husband bought me a 'I <3 Edward ' pillow (a normal square one, not the creepy arm one) for me when I was preggers and he bought my 3 yo son multiple Twilight themed t-shirts from Cafe Press. He seems to have picked up on that if he needs to suck up for some reason, Twi merch is the way to do it.

  6. Dammit woman, you're going to kill me. I have the spanish influenza (yeah where the fuck is my Edward) and can't stop coughing..laughing is only making it worse.

    The fandom would definitely be less fun without all this FAIl swag but it would also be less creepy. That body pillow makes me shudder... might as well sleep with a body bag. No thanks!

    Where was FSE when I was at prom? Damn...things might have been a little more fun back then. Add a strap on to him and the night's complete! Kidding...kind of.

  7. That pillow with arms was hilarious! I was afraid I was gonna wake the family laughing at it! As for the cake, I know what kind of cake I'm having for my next birthday! Friggin' awesome.

  8. I think that all of my non-twilight friend think my house resembles the lady with the Waldo hiding in her bedroom ~It doesn't. I actually have very limited twi stuff at home. It is all on my desk at work. That gal is what I use as a gaged to make sure I haven't gone too far! I do love Twilight! It has brought some many amazing friends in my life! I love my twitard sisters! :)

  9. I fluffy heart all my twi-sisters and will be forever grateful to SM for creating the object of my obsession. Having said all that, I would like to ask everyone of you to bitch slap me, take away my fanfic access & revoke my twitarded card if I ever even consider putting a twilight related (or anything related) tramp stamp on a baby! (Yes, I know its temporary, but still) Seriously, I want to hunt that woman down and cuntpunch her...what is wrong with her?!?

  10. I'm laughing my ass off at your post TK. Amen to the classy fandom merch. I'm totes creeped out by that
    "body pillow" too. Ugh! Does ANYONE think that does Edward (or RPattz for that matter) any justice? Who buys that? Well I guess one person did. Looks like what they use to train police dogs.

    UGH and the poo cake. Ugh no. just no.

    I do have to correct you on one thing though. If the the Precious was walking within reach, I believe that pic demonstrates LKW utilizing a wrestler neck hold with JJ in front and all of Twitardia following behind. The hell with 2 bodyguards. We're Twitards, biatches!

  11. LMFAO! Brilliant post! I especially loved your opinion on the monstrous body pillow.

  12. ummmmmmmm....i guess i wont be tweeting anymore pictures of MY bedroom. just sayin

    Love u h00rs HARD!!!!
    and my next grandbaby is ariving on march 4th and she will SOOOOO be rocking a twitarded onesie!!!!

  13. My big 40 cake was much better! The Precious and "Bite Me" written across the bottom. Oh, and my kids have taken to calling the case I keep my Twilight goodies in as my "Treasure Chest".

  14. That Edward body pillow totally creeps me the fuck out. Eeeewww...

  15. Oh goodness that was great TK!

    Gah there is some scary Twishit our there! I think I'll just stay in my comfy Twitard hole.... (I think that deservers that's what she said ;)

  16. I think that woman must have abducted that child because she has to be fucking batshit crazy to do something like that to a baby. She has no ring on her finger. TK, you best send that photo to the authorities. Fuck, that is all sorts of wrong. I, too, think the FSE prom photo is hilarious. Classic. At the same time I hope my daughters don't have to dig out my FSE when their time comes for prom.

    Brilliant post TK...as usual.

  17. guess that cake would look better after we'd eat it, ey?
    ..ewwwww, i know, but it was there..
    not classy. sorry.
    But feed that cake to the monster body pillow and...
    k. ok.
    last one if I may redeem myself..
    that prom chick is so awesome and looks so hawt herself that the cardboard FSE probably WOULD do her anyway. Just the male pervspective..
    Uhm, and by the way? Are all FSE's consecrated by the powers of the fluttering twatwaffles to transcend their cardboard natures? Am I even allowed to mention their earthly corporeal natures? Sorry to offend.

    Awesome post.
    Freaky failures yo!

    and for the redemption piece de resistance....
    Seeing a good bit of some of y'all as I'm workin and workin thru some vid footage. Just sayin.. But easy! eaaaaaasy... It'll come..
    Cos to add just a lil more wait, I may now have to work thru some "almost unemployed" crisis here. ..it's all good. Looks like I can outrun some of the other campers from the unemployment bear.

    Much love,
    and laughs,


  18. Greetings from Brisbane, Australia as we prepare for a once in a lifetime event. I read your posts everyday and wanted to let you know that this has made me smile in one of our darkest hours (even though that Edward body pillow scares the shit out of me). You h00rs are stellar.

  19. I flove fan fails!! And your comments are just a huge bonus - like the icing on a (twilight) cake! :)

    That body pillow is fugly. But I suppose when you are that desperate you just don't care!

    OMFG, buying Twi-merch for father's day? Grounds for divorce in my house, that's fo sho!!!

  20. You are such a twat posting that first picture. Makes me want to do a whole post about what a whore you are and how there's even merchandise to prove it! LOL!

    The pillow. WTF? I can't even look at it straight on. I have to sort of tilt my head to the side and close one eye so I don't vomit on my keyboard.

    Fuck taking FSE to the prom! I may stage a wedding for me and my FSE. You wanna be a bridesmaid? Would that be weird?


    Like LR, I am all for classy fandom. For example, La Push Sweatpants that I bought in Forks, which very strictly only ever see the inside of my apartment? Check. Bella jacket (complete with mittens knitted by my very own Toefunny!)? Check! Subtle, but obvious to those in the know. Also, can I say that I have gotten more compliments on this jacket than any other article of clothing I own? And this is from people who don't get the reference!

    Jorts CUSTOM MADE for me by my darling h00r Billi, with "PIMPY" emblazoned across the pocket? Okay, I've never actually worn these in public apart from in Forks, but still. You know what I do use? Toey got me a pillow with Edward AND Jacob on it. I sleep with my head nestled between the two of them.

    Good thing I'm single, huh?

  22. @Gusgus, I died: "Are all FSE's consecrated by the powers of the fluttering twatwaffles to transcend their cardboard natures?" BAHAHAHAH

    Miss you Gusgus! And soooo excited to see that vid! RUN FROM THAT UNEMPLOYMENT BEAR

    @Vitamin R: While I certainly hope that your daughters find their real life Edwards to take to Prom, if one of them takes a FSE? I will high five her and drive the limo myself. :) So awesome!

  23. LKW...I'll help with the wedding. Let me know -
    Midnight Raven

  24. Oh fuck...those fails were awesome! That Edward body pillow creeps me the fuck out too...holy crap!!

    Hmmm..never thought about putting The Vamp onto FSE...bwahahaha!

  25. That body pillow is just disturbing and I think I would cry if I got that as a present.

    At least I know what I'm getting STY for Valentine's Day.

  26. OMG. Just when I think you ladies can't possibly make me laugh harder. I swear I just 'angry dragoned' my morning coffee when I scrolled down and saw that pillow. WTF!? Please tell me that is homemade nonsense and someone out there isn't really selling that shit!? And please tell me someone is gonna cart that chick off to some kind of fanfail rehab - where hopefully the tramp-stamp-baby-momma is already checked in.

    OMG. Mad love for you ladies. Even if it ruined my morning coffee... lmao.

    And how does one go about scoring an invite to the LKW - FSE nuptuals - cause I SOOO want to be there to see that.

  27. wow, i feel bad that someone even took a picture of that cake, like they were proud of it or something.

    well, i was late to the party, didn't find Twitarded until after new moon hit theaters. i know, i know -- it's a very sad tale.
    many times when i look at pics of Rob from Rome or from the NM tour i wonder how much fun you all must have had and wish i could get into my delorean and participate in all that fuckery.

    i'm just hoping there's much, much more to come:)

    great post TK!

  28. I love this post! It's always a good thing to start my workday laughing.

    I do have to say that some of my Twilight gear is obvious (at least with the t-shirts). However my sweatshirts from La Push are pretty low key. Only the girls I make the pilgrimage with every year (sometimes twice) know that I am sporting Twilight clothing. My only rule is that I don't like to sport peoples faces on my t-shirts. I still do sometimes but I try to avoid it. LOL!

  29. I am so baffled by the body pillow - I have zip in the crafty-skills department and I think I could have done better!

    OK here's an idea - I wonder if Red Bella could make a GOOD looking pillow. You know, for a present for JJ & ML or something...

    : )

  30. I actually made that first cake for my mom when I was a kid - unintentionally, of course, but that's what it looked like. Amazing since it was 30 years before Twilight was gleam in Steph's eye.

    And now I know why LatchkeyWife was googling 'TK is a whore' yesterday. Everything eventually makes sense - well, not really;)

  31. How does one even respond to this? Holy Shit, I literally pissed myself! Tears of laughter and pain looking at the failures at the same time. "I wouldn't even approach this man with 3 inches worth of roots" I can barely type that!! The most I've laughed this hard in.... Well, since the last time you posted. If Rob were to pick a fan site, this would be, by far, the one and only choice.

  32. I think the babt tattoo is funny. It is a new moon (a baby butt) for New Moon. I wouldn't do it myself but I found it funny... well as long as it is truly temporary YIKES!!

    I have lots of Twi stuff and I am not ashamed. It may not be that woman's room but I might not be too far behind - oh no!

    I love my Twitarded friends and I can't imagine where I would be without them. I am grateful every day for Stephenie Meyer for writing, the Twilight Saga for existing, Summit for making the movies and Google for helping me find Twitarded!

  33. HI-Larious post, TK! I wish I could have do-over on both my Junior and Senior proms, I'd totally take FSE over the 2 douches I went with.

    Here's another fail and approved scenario... the Twilight-inspired tattoo.



    (I saw a better version of that somewhere but I can't find it now.)

  34. How the hell did I ever miss that freaky-ass pillow...thing on my twilight fail searches?

    I simultaneously choked, snorted, cried, and went into an asthma attack from laughing too hard when I saw that abomination.

  35. haha, that prom date is hilarious!
    My husband bought me a 'I <3 Edward ' pillow (a normal square one, not the creepy arm one) for me when I was preggers and he bought my 3 yo son multiple Twilight themed t-shirts from Cafe Press. He seems to have picked up on that if he needs to suck up for some reason, Twi merch is the way to do it.


Comments are our life now. Leave one!