Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Great Twilight/Pattinson Drought of 2011

I’ve got nuthin’ today. There, I said it.

This dry spell of RPattz/Twilighty goodness is killing me. Seriously, it’s drier than a dead hooker’s vagina up in these parts. Every day I go online and try to find something, anything that will give me just a little taste of RPattz hotness. I feel like an alcoholic at an AA meeting, people.

This is not good enough. I'm sorry. Also, that sweater makes me cringe a little.

What happened to the days where we discussed Edward Cullen love custard at length? Are those gone forever? I can barely even conjure up the derisive (but loving) attitude I held for Bella all those months ago. Now… it’s just meh. I could carry on about how stupid Summit is for making us wait FOREVER for Breaking Dawn Part One (aka Let The Suckage Begin), among other things but… I just can’t.

With the exception of making Breaking Dawn a kick-ass movie...

Wait, I just felt a little ripple of something. Not sure if it's gas or an all-consuming rage about the suck-potential of Breaking Dawn.

Speaking of Breaking Dawn... What the fuck, Bill Condom? Show us a little love and a whole lot of RPattz, please. You've got that film set locked down tighter than a nun's thighs. We just want a little glimpse, dude. You know - just the tip. Latchkey Wife will totally gargle your nuts if you give us a little sumpthin', okay?

I WANT A NEW PHOTOSHOOT OF RPATTZ AND I WANT IT RIGHTTHEFUCKNOW!!!!! (queue arm flailing and foot stomping)

Anyone? Bueller?

Fuck. Now that Twilight isn’t on my mind 24/7, I’m feeling a little lost. It’s like there is a gaping hole in my chest that not even fan fiction can fully fill and that just sucks.

Somebody call the whambulance. Quick.

Anyway, because apparently my “funny” has also gone on hiatus, I’m not sure what to write about. At first, I was going to write about how I get some kind of sick delight out of silently farting in meetings at work, because everyone is supposed to be polite and they just wrinkle their noses and blather on even though I KNOW they want to accuse each other of laying a stink bomb. Is it rude? Yeah. But if it makes the meeting a little more interesting, I’m down for it. What? You can’t tell me I’m not the only one who does it.

Except that I realized this is probably only funny to me and, thanks to this fucking drought of epic proportions, I'm scraping the bottom of the humor-barrel and doing things that I haven't done in almost two years - like clean or fold laundry. Instead of sneaking furtive glances of fuckhawt RPattz pictures at work, I now spend the time actually doing grown-up things and stuffing my tits back into my bra and glaring at my coworkers when they look at me funny because they probably think I’m just touching myself, even though I haven’t rubbed one out at work in years. But if it would bring RPattz back, I would. At my desk, even. I’ll take one for the team.

Ummmm, what?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not over Twilight. In fact, right now I’m doing the virtual fetal position like Bella in New Moon. Because Twilight has left me, that cunt.

I can only sit and bide my time and hope it comes back to me.


  1. FIRST? Umyeah. Dare I suggest that some (lesser) fans may fall out of love with Twilight in the eternity it's taking to get BD released? Not so wise, Scummit.

    You h00rs had better not ditch me in Twi-obsession-land. I don't want to be waving that flag alone in November 2012.

  2. I'm with you JJ! Well, except for the part about farting in meetings. That one's just you :) Hopefully we can all get out of our virtual Bella fetal positions soon!! In the meantime, I'm here for you, man.

  3. Blergh, I agree. I don`t think the fact that it`s winter helps either. I`m fucking sick of this snow and cold shit and now there`s nothing about the precious around. FML.

    Except I'm with twilove about the meeting stuff, I would do it but when you work with nurses they tend to call each other out on that shit. Although I did it when I worked in the hospital, and blamed it on the induced coma patients.

    I think I might try to re-read Twilight tonight or watch the movie or something. See if that gets the twilighty mojo going....

  4. Oh, JJ. I do love you. I'm right there too. I actually gave a grown up brunch today. A fucking brunch! I gave it! Like we cleaned, bought cute Valentine's day decorations, bought food, confirmed with people who were coming. All this and twilight was in no way involved. FullSizedE was upstairs in my closet. It was weird.

    You know what? At least you still have the FSE ahhhhmy out. They'll always be there for you, JJ. Always. Just watching. Always watching.

    <3's and I live in Jersey too, can we be besties? I'll invite you to a brunch! You can totally fart, too. You and my hubs would get along famously. Think on it. Laters!

  5. JJ, u r not alone. I crave the precious and twilight so much I have considered getting up in the middle of the night so I can drool on my tv...I mean watch the sex walk over & over & over. Dammit...we need the Robporn, why doesnt the condom understand?!?

    P.S. I think silent farts in meetings are hysterical, js :)

  6. Seems to me that this calls for MORE FANFIC!!!! I'm going to go work on mine now to keep my TwiSlut brain occupied until November...

  7. I'm totally, totally with you. Scummit is nuts making us wait so long. Even my 9 year old's friends are growing out of their love of all things Twilight.

    As for the Rob drought I'm hanging on for dear life waiting for Water For Elephants...I WILL buy a poster, at least!

  8. PS - I never fart in meetings but I do play, "which one would I fuck first, and in what order?" routinely. Somedays the choices are grim!

  9. I feel you JJ. It seems like the fan fic is just not cutting it for me lately.
    Farting in meets is awesome. I'm too chicken though, my luck is that it wouldn't be silent! This happened to me when I was 17 & my sister was 14 when we were in church. We nearly died trying to keep from laughing out loud.
    Water for Elephants better rock hard, I don't think I can survive until November if its not.
    BTW my word verification word is uncest. WTF is that!

  10. Yup, i'm getting a lot of laundry done lately. hope the hubs doesn't get used to it because as soon as the Rob VF photo shoot surfaces it's back to mismatched socks and those silky heart boxers I bought him 5 Valentine's ago.

    I even thought about taking up a whole new hobby today that doesn't involve my computer. Pretty soon I'll be going to the gym again! *gasp* Quick Rob, do something! I'm starting to put my own wellness before Twilight!


    It's ain't the precious but when I saw this on tv the other day it totes helped with my whole twilight left me malaise.

    now I have to go burn some incense around my altar of Rob and pray for a nekkid Vanity Fair my backyard :)

  12. You're preaching to the choir, JJ. I hear ya.
    You know what? I never thought of it that way...that Twilight left me. I like that. And it's true.
    In the past, something fantastic and hilarious would happen and give me fuel for fire. Even between films, Rob could be relied upon to embark on some drunken walk of shame, or say something adorable in an interview. Now...nada. It's like he went and got all professional and shit. Damn him.
    Bella/Kristen...not very concerned about her to begin with, so no complaints there. ;-)
    JJ...if you feel like you lost your funny bone, just stop trying. You're funniest when you have no intentions of being funny. And write about whatever the fuck you feel like writing about. I'll read it...twice.

  13. No fucking shit....we need something and we need it NOW!!!! Bill Condom better start delivering some goods soon. Let's just hope that now that filming will be back in Vancouver that we will start to see some action. No more of this laid back Louisianna bullshit...we need results. ;-)

    I love that I decide to go full whore ahead for BD and we are getting effing NOTHING to turn a trick. NADA. When you decide to get whorish it is implied there will be action....WHERE is my action Bill Condom?!!!!!!

    Oh and JJ I can totally see you farting in time I smell a stinker...guess who is going to come to mind? Yep.

  14. I know, I want the insanity back! It's a vicious cycle, I don't have enough time for Twilight or my ROBsession, therefor my obsession wanes. Depressing. I miss the giddy ridiculousness.

  15. jesus christ, no shit. My "daily" twimes blog has turned into like bi-weekly possibly monthly blog. I can't even make shit up because I'm supposed to be staying true to the news. Might have to fix THAT soon.
    No worries, we'll all huddle in fetal positions until it decides to take it's sweet ass time back to us.

    wv:pirkers - I haven't had a pirker since that sex shot with Bella and Edward

  16. I'm also doing the virtual fetal position right now! I have to say fanfic is still doing it for me & it's been my savior in this Rob drought!! I'm relatively new to the fandom & fanfic so luckily there are lots of great stories I'm still trying to get all read!

    Since we aren't getting as much Rob as we'd like (like there is such a thing as too much Rob..) maybe we should delve into fanfic some more...I know my list is growing like a motherfucker but I'd still love to hear what other fuckhawt stories are out there. Maybe review/talk/recommend some fics...just a thought :)

  17. Why do I find the fact that you called him Bill Condom so funny?? Ahhhhh...I miss Twilighty stuff for sure right now. Especially new photos of RPatz. IT. BLOWS. I am pretty sure I can hang in there a little longer though. :-)

    P.S. People have totally done that at our big health insurance enrollment meetings before. HAHAHAHA!!

  18. JJ, I completely agree with you. The Forks trip last October completely helped in fueling my Twilight fire but when I got back and the holidays hit--I have just not been the same ever since. Dare I say there are days that I simply don't give a shit? Yes, there are. But I heart all you and that's what keeps me in the fandom. So write whatever you feel liking writing. I am your loyal reader.

  19. Has anyone seen the ridiculous piece of shit Valentine's Day 'gift' from Bill Condon for us twifans?????? It's supposedly from Isle Esme, but it's like in a really bad movie where there's a scene with no one it!!!! I'm a totally inept with posting stuff from one site to another but it's at twilightlexicon and twifans. It's supposedly the boat parked and wicker baskets with candles in them leading up to the house, but...there's NO ONE in it!! No Edward, No Bella, NO ONE. What the fuck is up with that. Thanks for nothing!!!!!!!

  20. @My After Car - We won't ditch. No worries.

    It's just this DROUGHT!! I know we are all suffering but WTF? Give us something!! LOL.

    @Myinnergoddess - I have more than a few words about that fucking picture. And none of them involve bumping uglies with a sparkly vampire.

    It looks like a scene from a fucking horror flick.

  21. All I have to say is that Bill fucking Condon better deliver. If we have to go through this lack of RPattz cause of him, and BD blows worse than expected, there MIGHT be a revolt. I am with you, JJ, (and everybody else) I'm in perma-fetal position!

    RPattz HALP!

  22. I had to drag Twilight out last night and watch it again,just to feel alive. (And it is true what they say about Bluray- even an ordinary disc looks better in it. Crap,does this mean I have to go out and buy new versions of everything?)

    Thank goddess for fanfiction. It is my life now.

    And WTF -no boxes of Twilight valentine cards? Talk about another Twi merch fail. I would have snapped up several boxes.

    I'm declaring Oct 1 Twi Valentine day. Be prepared.

  23. Hi... yep, L2P again.

    Anyhoo, is the rumour I heard about a VF shoot with Leibowitz true? If so, praise the lord and get the lick-proof monitors ready. I will NEED to own that magazine. Mmmmm.

    Anyone? Bueller? (heheh, thanks JJ)

  24. Since I'm on full no-teaser-for-BD lockdown, I'm rather enjoying the radio and video silence from Condom. *evil grin*

    But I'm still pissed off I couldn't track down that British tushie whilst in Baton Rouge. Apparently the fair people who live there don't know how to freaking tweet...or tweet what happened YESTERDAY as if that's gonna help me today. It's like they think the cast should have privacy or some such nonesense. I'll leave it to VitaminR to hunt him down in the forests of Canada for me...

  25. I feel you. I can't even remember the last time I read the books and there was a time that I would travel for longer than a day without at least one of the books. The one thing that did revive my love and that tingly feeling I used to have for Twilight was watching Eclipse with Rob and KStew's commentary. There is nothing in this world more adorable than that man. If you don't feel anything after that then... I've got nothing. Oh Wait! Maybe this will help a little:


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