Friday, February 18, 2011

Holy Crow! What IS That???

Laaaaadies, meet Jackson Rathbone:

He's a cute little feller, ain't he? Nice cheekbones, a quirky little smile, playful eyes, sexy abs, sexy hair, sexy... well, you get the picture.

Jackson Rathbone is a good looking guy. He also happens to play another good looking guy. Or, in this case, a vampire -- Jasper Whitlock. In the books, Jasper is described as tall and leonine, ferocious yet gentle. Totally fuckable, in not so many words.

Somewhere along the lines, the people of Summit Entertainment got together and decided that one of the vampires could not be all ethereal beauty, with sparkly fucking sexiness oozing out of their pores. No one really knows why - maybe they were jealous, or hungover, or just had to take a shit and needed to get out of the costume/makeup/wig meeting STAT and agreed to anything.

Regardless, it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, they beat the ever loving shit out of Jacksper with the ugly stick. And I have pictorial proof:

Oh, wait. Wrong picture...

Jasper Whitlock - Ye of the Constipated Poodle Hair...

We've gone on relentlessly about the wigs and costumes in all three movies. Some days we're more gentle; others it's like a prison bathroom up in here. We find it frustrating and a little painful to see such handsome and beautiful people end up looking someone stuck a dingy mop on their head. It sucks.

But it couldn't get any worse, right? Nope, nothing beats the Harpo-I-have-to-poop look. What could be any worse than that?


This is the Tonner doll. I don't even know what else to say.

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding??? OF COURSE I know what to say!!! Holy Donkey-crapping-bird-fuckers what the hell is up with this DOLL???

He looks like a tow-headed fucking John Travolta. And what's up with the tucked-in button down? Is Jasper going to work at his accounting job? He's supposed to be a teenage boy, for fuck sake. Teenage boys only tuck in their shirts when they're standing in front of the judge at family court. Or going to see their Grandmothers -- I don't know, I was never a teenage boy. At least, not fashion-wise.

Let's not forget about the Farrah Fawcett hair, either. What the fuck? The Jasper Tonner doll is a John Travolta drag queen sportin' Farrah Fawcett's 'do.

Fine. Jasper's is a little shorter, I'll give you that. And the part is a little off but regardless... same haircut.

Maybe I'm being a little hard on this disaster. I mean, I'm not a doll maker... (scrolls back up)

Nope. It's a clusterfuck. I need a little something to cleanse my ocular palate.

Ah, yes. That's MUCH better.


  1. I would say it was gay...but that would put a tarnish on my fabulous slash habit..

    it is just a damn shame...that is all

  2. God.. I think I just.. yeah.. I just vomited in my mouth. That doll is wretched. If I was Jackson, I would sue.

  3. When you admitted to a recent slump in your Robsession level, I wondered how long it would take you to discover the equally sexy Jackson & Kellan.

  4. Yeah apparently they won "look-alike right" so this doll could look identical to Jackson. Um... Jackson who?! Cuz it sure as hell isn't Jackson Rathbone! More like the creepy stalker from The Bodyguard. The one who calls up Whitney Houston and says "Noooooo! Noooooo!" all the time.

    Btw have I mentioned I won the mother f*cling meet and greet w Jackson and 100 Monkeys tomorrow night? I know, only like three thousand times. But oh well, I like to brag. :)

  5. "Is Jasper going to work at his accounting job?" LMFAO! Reminds me of a loser at work that wears dress pants and a freshly pressed button down on jeans Friday (asshole).
    This doll is bad but then again so is Scummit's depiction.
    Jackson looks pretty damn fine in that last pic. I definatly want to lick that tiny bit of his stomach that's showing. Yummy!

  6. Mmmm. Jackson. Who cares about that Pattinson fellow?

    I finally wrangled me a travel buddy; Vancouver here I come! Maybe I can get the effing camera to work this time.

    @Jaymes805- lucky you!

  7. Apparently Scummit wanted Jackson to look fugly. Maybe that was in his contract when he was cast, thereby ensuring RPatz and Tayor top billing in the smexy contest.

    There's no business like show business.

  8. Don't know what to say about the doll, but the real life one is a lot better. I met him for like 30 seconds at one of his concerts and he was just as nice as could be. He kissed the back of my hand *sigh*

  9. I love me some Jackson. Mmmm...

    I went to a 100 Monkeys show and afterwards the band signed autographs. Well, when I got close and went to pay for a CD so I could get an autograph the frickin credit card machine stopped working.

    Fucking donkey shit.

    I went up to the band and Jackson took my debit card! It was awesome. I told him good luck getting much from that thing and he smiled and gave it back. He wouldn't sign my vagina, I mean my card, but I enjoyed our interaction.

    That doll should be put in a microwave until it explodes. I'm fairly certain I may murder the clusterfuck that created it.

  10. I'm getting a Mick Jagger vibe...and is that a lazy eye?

    WV: boopudil (definition) - When you look like a scary poodle. Please see Jasper in New Moon.

  11. Mmmmmm 100 Monkeys in two weeks, gonna be fun!

    Jackson.... hawt!

    Bwahahaha John Travolta drag queen sportin' Farrah Fawcett's do!!!! Thats just so spot on!

  12. The doll actually resembles the Hillywood JasperDude more closely than ANYthing with a Rathbone in it! :S

  13. I really think all those people are on crack or some shit like that, because really that's a pretty fucked up doll. And BTW what the hell is wrong with his eye!? Really, that's just wrong in so many ways.

  14. Ummm that is totally Macaulay Culkin!

  15. @TwitardedMom - don't forget PFach...

    @JennyJerkface - thanks for making me spit my tea all over my laptop (you had me at "Farrah").

  16. um that was actually jacksons own hair in the first movie! LOL

  17. That doll is just wrong.*shudders*

    P.S. I would give up on of my big toes to get an up close look at the tat he has peeking out from under his shirt...*wipes drool from chin*

  18. LOL wow, those Tanner dolls never cease to amaze me....with their horridness.

  19. OMG! You're sooooo right! What's up with that doll and how did they get away with letting it get manufactured?!

  20. The Jasper Faucet lazy eye

  21. I think all the Twi dolls are wonky looking, that's why I never had the urge to get one (not even to do perverted acts with). So even though it's not remotely Jasper-like, will any of you still buy it for the collection? I think we may have lost the "if it's saga related I'm buying it" impulse. If they give me a quality item, I may shell out some cash for it but that's about as likely as getting a movie that doesn't blow.

    Do you really think they have someone doing makeup, hair and wardrobe? I figured they just had some boxes laying around that the actors had to rummage through for those "awesome" looks. It's such a pity too, because they are all so beautiful IRL. I personally don't give a shart if their hair is a different color than it is in the book, it's better than a bad dye job or laughable wigs.

  22. Why is it that I've seen the fat guy picture before? Have you tortured us with that one more than once?

    You know, I liked Jackson from the get-go, but I didn't get the hype about his hotness at first. I think @jaymes805 is winning me over with her incessant stream of Jbone-porn on tumblr. His smile is pretty frickin adorable... and that accent, oh the accent.

  23. Hello, what is that little peek a boo tatoo looking out at us??? I'd like to investigate that! You all can obsess over the plastic...I'd rather ogle the real thing.

  24. I could not agree more about this doll. It's like a bad combo of Farrah, the Bodyguard guy, Macaulay Culkin, and dare I say a little bit of Miley Cyrus in the whole wonky eye thing? Meh....maybe it's just me.
    I am beyond obsessed with Jackson and with Jasper. It's a tragedy what has been done to the look of Jasper in the films. And Jackson is so hot, that I'm impressed with the fugly stick they must beat him with for the look of Jasper. WTF is wrong with those people?

    @casch...the tat says, "I'm lost..."
    I'd like to volunteer to help him be found.....just sayin.
    Oh, and jealous of you right now....can't wait to hear all about it

  25. What really bothers me is all the idiots who will actuall plunk down whatever they're asking and buy this piece of shit!

    Speaking of Jackson, I was surfing around the TV last night and came to a Criminal Minds re-run that featured Jackson as a split-personality and one of the personalities was a woman. I was gobsmacked at what a beautiful woman he made! Truly beautiful. Also an excellent performance, this guy can act!!!!

  26. That doll just looks like a chick (skipper) dressed up as a boy. Very androgenous doll. Were they channeling Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Dry? The Ken doll is manlier than Jasper's doll and that's just not right!


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