Laaaaadies, meet Jackson Rathbone:
He's a cute little feller, ain't he? Nice cheekbones, a quirky little smile, playful eyes, sexy abs, sexy hair, sexy... well, you get the picture.
Jackson Rathbone is a good looking guy. He also happens to play another good looking guy. Or, in this case, a vampire -- Jasper Whitlock. In the books, Jasper is described as tall and leonine, ferocious yet gentle. Totally fuckable, in not so many words.
Somewhere along the lines, the people of Summit Entertainment got together and decided that one of the vampires could not be all ethereal beauty, with sparkly fucking sexiness oozing out of their pores. No one really knows why - maybe they were jealous, or hungover, or just had to take a shit and needed to get out of the costume/makeup/wig meeting STAT and agreed to anything.
Regardless, it doesn't matter because at the end of the day, they beat the ever loving shit out of Jacksper with the ugly stick. And I have pictorial proof:
Oh, wait. Wrong picture...
We've gone on relentlessly about the wigs and costumes in all three movies. Some days we're more gentle; others it's like a prison bathroom up in here. We find it frustrating and a little painful to see such handsome and beautiful people end up looking someone stuck a dingy mop on their head. It sucks.
But it couldn't get any worse, right? Nope, nothing beats the Harpo-I-have-to-poop look. What could be any worse than that?
THIS. THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT.
This is the Tonner doll. I don't even know what else to say.
Oh, who the fuck am I kidding??? OF COURSE I know what to say!!! Holy Donkey-crapping-bird-fuckers what the hell is up with this DOLL???
He looks like a tow-headed fucking John Travolta. And what's up with the tucked-in button down? Is Jasper going to work at his accounting job? He's supposed to be a teenage boy, for fuck sake. Teenage boys only tuck in their shirts when they're standing in front of the judge at family court. Or going to see their Grandmothers -- I don't know, I was never a teenage boy. At least, not fashion-wise.
Let's not forget about the Farrah Fawcett hair, either. What the fuck? The Jasper Tonner doll is a John Travolta drag queen sportin' Farrah Fawcett's 'do.
Fine. Jasper's is a little shorter, I'll give you that. And the part is a little off but regardless... same haircut.
Maybe I'm being a little hard on this disaster. I mean, I'm not a doll maker... (scrolls back up)
Nope. It's a clusterfuck. I need a little something to cleanse my ocular palate.
Ah, yes. That's MUCH better.