Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar [the award show, not that monster in the garbage can] Can Suck My Nuts

According to my twitter feed, blogroll, and the numerous emails that have been bandied about today, apparently the Oscars were on last night. Being the fierce on-top-of-everything-ALL-the-time blogger that I am, I was totally aware of this.


Um, fuck yes it is. I should know - I use it all the time

In my defense, there really wasn't any reason for me to watch the Oscars in the first place--I'm assuming the Twilight Trifecta was not in attendance or my Twitter feed would be filled with less "What the fuck?" and more "OMFG, my ovaries exploded and tried to copulate with my television set!!!" accompanied by a multitude of pictures of Robert Pattinson looking ridiculously uncomfortable and smexy as hell. And maybe a few snapshots of the other two. You know, what's-her-face and the wolf-boy.

The Twilight Trinity - That Guy, That Chick and Robert Pattinson...

Let me remind all of you that, prior to Twilight, I lived under a rock when it came to television, movies, and celebrities. I liked what I liked and was extremely vocal when I thought something blew monkey nuts. While the former might have changed (although in a somewhat small way with laser-like focus), I can assure the latter absolutely has not.

I honestly think most of those awards shows are a bunch of marketing ploys and try to use sneaky tactics to get tons of viewers to flock to their boob-tubes in the vain hopes of, say, catching a glimpse of a sexy actor or actress that they hump in their dreams on a regular basis but would probably be reduced to a drooling humanoid who smells vaguely like the pee dripping down their leg should they ever be within close proximity of that person.

Also, the last time I saw the Oscars was about 10 years ago and someone made this gawd-awful punch that contained rum, vodka, and antifreeze and I had to call out of work the next day because I was vomiting profusely from both ends. And if it wasn't the punch, then it was the little pig-in-a-blanket that I dropped on the floor but ate anyway. So I'm little traumatized by the whole Oscars thing.

Anyway, rumor has it that there was some "special" Twilight...thing that was going to happen last night (see the above reference about marketing ploys) and it was going to be super-duper mind-fucking-blowing. Like, JMFHF-I-TOTALLY-FUCKING-CREAMED-MYSELF!!! kind of awesome.

There was no creaming going on when I watched it and -- judging by the disgruntled and slightly homicidal tone of some of the tweets I read today -- most of you were equally unimpressed. I clicked on this link fully expecting to be wowed. Instead, I feel like someone just jabbed a rusty screwdriver in my ear.

The "surprise" was quite possibly THE most obnoxious fucking thing I've ever sat through. My ears are bleeding and it's all I can do not to throw this laptop across the fucking room and stomp all over the speakers because - WHAT THE FUCK??? Whoever thought that was a good idea needs to be checked for lobotomy scars because I'm 130% positive you will find them.

If you're a glutton for punishment (and I know you are), here is the video. You've been warned.

Clearly, this year's Oscars sucked. There was no Robert Pattinson in attendance and I was just audio-ly raped by the suckfest of all suckfests that was that ridiculous fucking segment.

{{Takes a deep breath}}

Okay, I swore I wasn't going to turn into a total rageball over this so let's talk about something else.

Like how FUCKING SHITTY that video is. I mean, people actually stayed up and waited to see that thing. Like, put shit on hold or changed their plans to watch the Twilight shout-out, only to get smacked in the twat by that atrocity. I would have been monumentally fucking irate if I had put my porn-reading on the back burner to watch that.

I can only imagine the conversation that went into making that masterpiece of total-fucking-suck.

Maybe it went something like this:
Numnuts - Okay man, we like, totally need to suck in those Twilight freaks and trick 'em into watching the Oscars.

Asshat - Yeah! {Fists pumps} Wait, what? Hold on, let me do a few more hits of this concoction I developed in my mom's basement -- it's bleach, ammonia and kitty litter. F-U-C-K-S you up, dude! {Fists pumps, falls over}

Numnuts - Okay, okay! I got it!! Those Twilight losers LOVE the wolf-guy, right? They totally start making out with each other every time his baby nipples show up on screen. So, let's include him!

Asshat - Yeah! Here's to chicks makin' out with other chicks. And that hot chick from Harry Potter!

Numnuts - What does that have to do with Twilight? Meh, fuck it. They'll dig it anyway. What are we talking about again?
At any rate, if the folks who produced the Oscars try this shit (literally) next year, they're going to be in a for a rude awakening because people were... unhappy. And I'm kind of looking forward to it -- if there is one thing you don't want to do, it's fuck with the Twilight fandom. I heard them's some crazy bitches...

And on that note, I'm off to watch Charlie Sheen have a meltdown so I can stop focusing on my own.


  1. Yes, I too am about to watch Charlie's meltdown...enough people have said it's worth a peak. If not for just shear morbid curiosity...

    You didn't miss anything at the Oscars. Nuttin'.

    xo J

  2. I kind of like the shit that they dropped on folks yesterday. It made me giggle and happy. It made me giggle because someone thought it was cool to bring back the autotone (don't they listen to Jay-Z? Autotone needs to die.) and it made me happy because I don't think the Oscars is the placed to release footage or screen shots for upcoming films.

  3. As always, thank you for saying exactly what was on my mind.

  4. I totally forgot that someone, whoever this person is, said that there would be something special for twilight fans.

    With that being said, I freaking laughed my ass off. It was so stupid, it was hilarious. AND I heart James Franco BIG time. If you’ve seen Pineapple Express than you know Franco is a stoner. Okay, he claims not to be, but I don’t buy that shit for a minute. He’s super mellow and I have a feeling that’s just how he is, love it or hate it. I actually get his dry humor. But anyway, the Oscars didn’t bother me. I thought it was cute, especially the opening number.

  5. If the Oscars are desperate for a ratings boost, they seriously need to get Ricky Gervais to host next year. Just saying.

    And Robert Pattison... of course.

    Urgh, Charlie Sheen. What I would do to have the privileged to punch him in the face.

  6. I did not give up reading porn to watch that shit last night. I've learned that if there is anything related to Rob, Gozde will have it for us very shortly. Thank goodness for Robsessed. She's like what REAL NEWS should be.

    I totally heart you guys, but we are all procrastibaters & there are some things we don't ever even get around to doing. I come here for the commentary and fellowship. [Do you call it fellowship when it's among females?]

    FFN is being a slow bitch tonight. And now spellcheck is trying to help me with my word verifications! WTF???

  7. Meh. I liked it. I loled and then went to Twitter, where I realized there was apparently some hubbub going on about it. Had no idea. If I had known, I would have been up in arms, but whatevs. It was like 645pm on my coast, so I just went to make dinner afterwards, no biggie.

    Now Charlie Sheen's meltdown, there's some quality shit.

  8. I like award shows and would've watched this without the surprise but this was such a fucking fail. The Oscar people should feel very embarrassed... and on the look out for pissed off fans.

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  10. Are people seriously upset about that? Why? Maybe if you had expected something new about the movie that clip would be a real let down. I thought it was a silly segment but saw it for what it was - an attempt to get a laugh from a younger demographic than usually watches the Oscars. That's why they put Franco & Hathaway as hosts. Overall, it was a better show than usual though it probably helped that I was able to fast forward through some of the boring categories and acceptance speeches.

    As for Charlie Sheen, I enjoy his brutal honesty, it's entertaining as hell to watch. It is no wonder that he thinks he is like a rock star, he makes $2 friggin million an episode for playing a playboy. CBS is getting what they paid for. I wouldn't want him as a husband or father but let the law deal with him for his actions, if he shows up clean for his job and can still do what he was hired to do, let him.

  11. I blame the time zone and early mornings for the fact that I fell asleep halfway through.

    Personally I thought Franco seemed like he'd taken some sort of downer or relaxant for his nerves. And Hathaway appeared to be wired on something. Nobody is THAT cheery.

    The stupid Twilight video would have been hilarious as a SNL digital short by Adam Samberg and Justin Timberlake, but instead was a huge disappointment for the fandom watching the show in hopes of, anything.


  12. I completely forgot the oscars were even on. LOL! I just watched the after stuff 'On the Red Carpet' until I found out that my other (quite a bit older) celebrity crush won Best actor & The Kings Speech won best picture. SQUEEEEE! That's all I needed to know. :-) There was Twilight stuff???

    On another note...
    "I am on a drug! It's called CHARLIE SHEEN!!" Oh man I just love him! BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He's CRAZY!

  13. I haven't watched the Oscars since Paltrow won and then proved she shouldn't have. I think I was...14? Whatever. I wad totally into awards shows back then. Now I like finding out who won what, but actually watching them? Bo-ring.

    Anyhoo, I have no idea what yiz are talkin about. There was Twilight stuff? Charlie Sheen did what? Meh, sounds like I didn't miss much.

    @Ilikeitlemony: he makes WHAT per episode?!

  14. I thought the opening of the Oscars was fantastic. The rest of it was....meh. As for the music montage. I actually think it is pretty funny....BUT...and that is a very big was not the place for it. The Oscars is not where movies are poked fun at. It is supposed to be the serious, hoity toity night of recognition. If Rob had been present I would have been mortified for him. It was a total mockery. The Oscars has never been about mockery before....not like that. I am wondering if this is why he didn't go honestly. I wouldn't blame him for bailing once he saw that.

    As for the deception and trying to lure Twilight fans...those marketing people are total fuckers.

    I admit it...I love the Oscars...I go to a party every year...I vote....I drink champagne....I paint my nails and know. Rob has ruined me though...without him there, it now feels lackluster and uninteresting. Come back next year Rob...please.

  15. @Romantic Dinner - ?

  16. hey ladies!
    here in germany I watched the award show at 5 am... just because I really wanted to see this twilight suprise and Hans Zimmer winning the oscar... I WAS SOOOO DISAPPONTED! I mean... they were talking about the "next best thing to happen"!WTF?

    Oh and I really hate u for going to forks... again without me!Why do I have to live in germany!? Does anyone want to sponsor my trip to forks? Anyone? No? Fuck u.

  17. I was never a big awards show person; I looked the next day @ the pretty outfits and who won.

    What VitaminR said in the above comments about a time and place for making fun, and it NOT being the Oscars, made sense...and then I HAD to watch the clip.

    AND let me tell you, making fun of Ron's love for Hermione, Toys being split apart at garage sales, Taycob's shirtlessness (even if, "Doesn't he own a shirt?" IS a GREAT line!), and then ending by making someone trying to NOT stutter, uhm...stutter...WTF? Not the right time and place fo' sho'.

    But THIS...
    "I honestly think most of those awards shows are a bunch of marketing ploys and try to use sneaky tactics to get tons of viewers to flock to their boob-tubes in the vain hopes of, say, catching a glimpse of a sexy actor or actress that they hump in their dreams on a regular basis but would probably be reduced to a drooling humanoid who smells vaguely like the pee dripping down their leg should they ever be within close proximity of that person." why I LOVE you all! It also might describe how I felt when I met you twatwaffles in Forks.



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