Thursday, February 10, 2011

Robert Pattinson Is Good With His Balls.

One of my favorite pastimes at work is sneaking a peek at the resumes that filter in whenever we post a job opening. We like to sit around and point and laugh at some of the crap people try to impress you with when job searching. Now I'm not saying my resume isn't filled with shit that makes filing look like a cure for the common cold - no way. When you're just starting out, you really dig deep to make the most mundane task look like fucking rocket science. But even Robert Pattinson doesn't get a pass when it comes to poking fun of resumes. Even though I'm pretty sure this thing is as fake as an overworked hooker's orgasm.

But what really sent us into fits of giggles was the list of sports. I generally don't associate Robert Pattinson with sports of any kind. Unless beer drinking is a sport and then I'd say he's a shoo-in for a gold medal. If you're having a hard time reading the tiny print, let me spell it out for you:
Sports (*highly skilled): Athletics*, Bowling*, Darts, Football*, Pool*, Running*, Skiing*, Snowboarding*, Swimming*, Wind Surfing
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't "Athletics" the same as "Sports"? Is he claiming to be "highly skilled" at all Athletics??? Or maybe by "Athletics" he really means "Sex Acts" and if that's the case, well then, count me in for some "Athletic" activities with him!

Bowling: Rumor has it that Rob and Kristen took their on-screen demon spawn out for a night of bowling down in Baton Rouge. I'm going to go out on a limb and say Rob likes the bowling for the bad shirts and used shoes. It's a very hobo-ish sport, hence why he thinks he's highly skilled at it.

Darts and Pool: Both popular bar activities which would explain why they're listed. I am concerned that he's listed Pool as a high skill set, but not Darts. Maybe he got a little crazy one night after several beers and there was a Dart incident no one speaks of... I love pool and I would totally let him hustle a blow job out of me if he wanted...especially if he's as good at the "Athletics" as he says.

Coincidently, if you Google "Robert Pattinson plays darts," this video comes up... JMFHF I want to lick him all over.

Football: Er, I'm assuming this refers to Soccer and I think that's a no brainer. I mean, don't you get kicked out of the UK for not being good at Football?

Running: Personally, I only run if someone is chasing me. Or if I'm training to fight off an ahhhmy of newborn vampires. Which seems to be the same for Rob. Someone must've hung a case of Heineken in front of him to get him to run on the giant treadmill without falling off. If Rob was chasing me, I wouldn't run... I'd totally let him catch me. I'm easy like that. Did you see him running in that video above? No? Go back and watch it again!

Skiing and Snowboarding: Maybe I'm just a really bad Twifan but I don't recall there being any talk of Rob participating in these winter sports. I bet if he did ski or snowboard, he'd wear jeans and that gawd awful puffy brown leather jacket.... and then I of course Googled it and nearly shit my pants laughing. Make sure to pay attention to the bottom of the snowboard.

Swimming and Wind Surfing: I just bored myself to death typing those two words. {{yawn}} But at least we know he can actually swim... water wings would not be a good look on Isle Esme. I really hope, for Bella's sake, he knows more than just the dog paddle.

And then I wondered about the sports he left off the list. He's obviously great at baseball...fuck, we've all seen his prowess in Twilight, right? He may give A-Rod a run for his money. However I think there's a very good reason why Basketball wasn't listed under his many sports talents.

But why did he leave out Gymnastics? I've never seen such tumbling. I give it a 9.3!

So level with me Twitards... is this resume a fake? I mean, does Robert Pattinson even really need a resume and a head-shot these days? I mean, if someone asks him for his resume (or "CV," as they say), isn't he just allowed to say "Dude, I'm Robert fucking Pattinson!" I think the legions of squealing fans speak volumes.


  1. Well, considering it says he played Walter in HTB, I'm going with fake. Except for the sports part that he already said he made up.

  2. The whole time reading this post, I'm thinking, "This sounds like LKW but there are practically no f-bombs; it can't be her." This is like the cleanest LKW post ever.

    I don't think this is a real resume... but what I wouldn't give to see Rob attempt snowboarding. That would be a hot (hot!) mess. And then his bum would hurt, and someone would have to give him a massage *lights candles and grabs oil* Don't you h00rs even think about trying to get in front of me in that line. I will cut you.

    w/v: interco.... what?

  3. I think he's already said he made up the story about snowboarding and other things. Also suspect is his listed weight. 70kg is only 154 lbs. At 6'1" that really skinny. Way too skinny to be true now. So if anything, it's really old info.

  4. Walter was actually the character's name on the script before they started filming, they changed it later (I'm sad that I know this fact).

    I think it's an old resume that has just had the latest movies added to it. It matches the one on Robsessed from ages ago - go there and they show the comparison.

    Also, athletics in England and Australia (where I'm from) is an actual type of sport. Kids start out going to little athletics, then on to normal athletics. It's all about jumping and stuff. Can't see him doing it myself!!!

    I just think the bowling is hysterical!!

    Word verification: STULT (they almost got it right!!)

  5. The basketball video is exactly how I picture RP playing sports... and of course there is the "Dart incident no one speaks of". Freak'n hillarious!

  6. "Dude, I'm Robert fucking Pattinson!" I think the legions of squealing fans speak volumes.

    Yes. Yes he is.

    And yes, it does.

  7. I think it's fake and even if it's not all actors pack their list of abilities right? Frankly I didn't think Rob could ride a bike until I saw him do it in Remember Me. Oh and he did admit to having to learn how to swim (I can't remember if he said learn how to or just learn how to swim better) for his role in Harry Potter, which I know little to nothing about bc I haven't seen any HP movie.

  8. Damn you TK, there goes the post I was too tired to write last night.

    I totally think this is fake. C'mon, skilled at all those sports? I flove Rob, but srsly? Maybe football and pool.

    Which brings me to my next point, shouldn't it say Billiards?

    I think the picture would be much more recent if this were real.

    And finally, who the fuck is Tyler Roth? Wasn't Rob's Remember me character was named Tyler Hawkins?

  9. Wake up Smitten! Sorry LKW, didn't meant to call you TK [not that there's anything wrong with that :)]. More caffeine, stata

  10. I'm going to go out on a limb and say Rob likes the bowling for the bad shirts and used shoes. It's a very hobo-ish sport, hence why he thinks he's highly skilled at it. <~~ I died laughing here.

    I am so not athletic. Again, I think Rob & I are made for each other.

  11. I CALL BULLSHIT!! FAKE!!! OH SO FAKE!!! That is all. Luv ya!

  12. I say fake. But seriously? Who the FUCK has looked at his resume since...2009? C'mon. At least the pic is real. So deliciously real.

    I'm pretty sure every actors' CV should say something along the lines of "If you wanna pay me to do it, I'll take lessons." Within reason, of course. I don't want to see Rob in a Dungeons & Dragons movie or anything....

  13. I've seen this image pop before of his resume. I have no idea. Personally Rob seems a little goofy to be good at any sport, but then I remember him as Cedric and he did nearly mow Harry over in the maze.
    Dunno, but love your post!

  14. I was just watching the Behind the Scenes on the Eclipse Blu-Ray last night and I was nearly pissing myself laughing at the training scenes. In the running/treadmill sequence of Rob it looks like he is about to barf. The basketball and the somersault kill me. I know in the basketball scene from HTB he is supposed to look like that and be bad but something tells me that was really, really easy for him to pull off.

    @LKW--He is definitely good with his balls...and they tast real good too. ;-)

  15. "Come on. I'm dominating!"


    Yes, you are, Rob.


  16. Yeah, I'm 99% sure that no casting agency needs resumes to know what movies actors have been in. Talk about a waste of paper.... and full of LIES at that! LOL LKW, you are so right. Our wonky-legged Rob doesn't do a ton of running. Or bowling.

  17. ", isn't he just allowed to say "Dude, I'm Robert fucking Pattinson!" "

    baaahaha! It's true though. Seriously, does anyone in this world NOT know him?

  18. Obviously doctored up. I'm sure I remember Rob himself saying he's a spaz and spent his time in his "youth" learning piano and reading not doing sports. Also, in Goblet of Fire he actually looks like he weighs 154 lbs. So that was probably true about 6 years ago.

    I cracked up at the clip from HTB. That scene was hilarious.

  19. That video of him playing basketball (and i am using the phrase loosely, obvs) slayed me for some reason! i think it broke the adork-o-meter!

  20. I just love that b-ball scene from HTB! And I think "athletics" is the same as trck & field in the US, so I can imagine he did some at school, but yeah, he strikes me more as the bar-sports type;)

  21. The basketball scene in HTB? Yeah, I'd say that was a totally natural shoot ;-)

    What none of you have mentioned from his CV is the list of accents he's meant to be able to portray. I mean, c'mon! Apart from the 2 American accents he's supposedly capable of (and about which I can't comment) I SERIOUSLY doubt he's capable of all of the English / European ones. Purleez! You have to be pretty damn accomplished to be capable of that kind of geographical spread. [Yeah, I just typed 'spread' in a comment about RPattz ;-)]

    Anyhoo, it's obviously the sporting accomplishments that show this up as being a total fabrication. There is no way on this earth that he's *highly skilled* at the sports listed. However, I would like to think that he's *highly skilled* at something else entirely. I'll leave that, dear Twitards, to your own imagination...

    CC x

  22. "Athletics" never sounded so fun...and...freakin hot! The bowling and darts comments had me snarfing my dinner out my nose. That's not gonna be pleasant tomorrow. I fluv you guys!

  23. It's not what he can do with a bowling ball or basketball that I'm interested in, ladies. Sigh. Where was mind totally took off on me. Uh, gotta go, can't concentrate.

  24. I'm pretty sure that's a fake. Everyone lies on their cv, but there's no way Rob is coordinated enough to play pretty much ANY of those sports. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, Brits, but I'm pretty sure private school boys in the UK are more likely to play cricket or rugby than soccer.

    And I'd like to see him try to pull off half the accents on that list.
    Dublin, Rob? Really?I'll believe it when I see (hear?) it. Actually, I never want to see that because of the high probability that he'll fuck it up. He shouldn't feel too bad though, nearly everyone fucks up Irish accents. Julia Roberts, I'm lookin at you, bitch. You too Nicole Kidman. And as for Tom Cruise...*shudder* On the other hand, there's Anjelica Huston, Meryl Streep and James 'I can't believe he's not from Dublin' McAvoy. Seriously, I'd never seen him in anything before, and I had no idea he wasn't Irish. And if you haven't seen Inside I'm Dancing, go see it NOW. Just make sure you have plenty of Kleenex ready.


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