Thursday, February 24, 2011

SXSW: Strictly For the Hardcore

It's time! It's time!


For those of you not familiar with the SXSW music festival, let me refer you here before you read any further. I have very fond memories of the first few hours of last year's SXSW & meeting JJ. After that, it gets a little fuzzy. I know JJ has already covered some of this, but I'd like to rehash it from a Texan's perspective.

1. Not all Texans are friendly. The etymology of Texas' name is "friend." This is to lure in unsuspecting Yankees. Do not be fooled. If a stranger offers you a ride to your hotel, do not be disarmed by his charming twang. He wants to murder you and sell your kidneys to the highest bidder. Trust me on this one.

What of it?

2. Texas is not always hot. You would think it would be blazing hot 365 days a year judging from its location on the globe. You would be wrong. Also to be noted, weather forecasts for Texas are only about 30% accurate. Last year the weather was supposed to be a picturesque 70-ish degrees throughout the entire festival. It was at least 170 degrees one day and literally 17 degrees (with 40 mph winds) the next. You need to prepare for all possible climates. Wear your swimsuit under your parka. I'm not even joking. Snorkel gear is not a bad idea either.

Let's not forget about the possibility of afternoon penis showers.

3. You will be surrounded by food and able to eat none. Restaurants and roach coaches are everywhere. You have two choices here. (a) Stand in line all day waiting for a taco, or (b) spend that time running from venue to venue trying to see a band. The only thing you will have easy access to is alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. Breakfast shots are a foregone conclusion. This is a bad combination. Pack snacks. I can not express how important this is. Have something to eat stashed in your bag. Otherwise, you will end up like me a friend of mine and staggering drunkenly through the CVS, unable to tell if you are purchasing a box of Meow Mix or Wheat Thins. I guarantee the clerk will lie to your drunk ass if you ask him to verify if you are buying people food. Shit gets real, people. Just be prepared.

You will spend more on drinks than you do on a month's worth of food. Deal with it.

4. You have to be willing to cut an old lady to get a cab. I think there are almost 5 taxis in Austin. It is near impossible to get one. Do not be afraid to sucker punch an elderly man to steal his waiting cab. He can get the next one. You very literally have to be willing to die to get a taxi. Jumping in front of a moving one is usually the only way to get a ride. Also, all taxis will be clearly marked. A sedan with a magnet on the side reading "TAXI" is not, I repeat, NOT a cab. This is also someone who wants to steal your kidneys and leave you in an ice bath.

5. No matter where you are, the next band you want to see will ALWAYS be 12 blocks east and 9 blocks north. Without fail. Since you won't be able to get a cab, you will be hoofing it everywhere. Wear comfortable shoes. [I know what you're going to say, JJ, & my stiletto boots ARE comfortable, fuck you very much.] Pack a pair of foldable flats in your bag on top of the snack food. If you don't already own a pair, I feel sorry for you.

I want to make out with these shoes.

Having said all of that, who wants to come?! It's March 15-20. We are still working out the details of a meet-up. It will probably be mid-day this year, but I don't know which day yet. We're running a little behind, in typical Twitard fashion. I do need a rough idea of how many peeps are interested so I can work on reserving a space for us somewhere. I'm also open to suggestions on places we can meet. It's a little lot crazy during SXSW & pretty impossible to find a venue that is not eardrum-bursting loud. Even the McDonald's has live bands. Nonetheless, let's get together and rock out with, not cocks out. E-mail me and I will add you to the list of possible revelers.


  1. Thanks for the Tex POV on SXSW! If ever I make it down to this music bash of all music bashes, I will take everything you said into consideration. Including the stiletto boots being comfortable bit. Cuz I trust your ass.

    You're fucking awesome. JS

  2. #5 kills me the most. Because it is so, so true. SO TRUE.

  3. As a local I avoid SXSW like the plague... actually I avoid Austin like the plague. Too many people. I make brief forays into San Antonio but otherwise I stay in my beautiful hill country. That being said, you ladies drink a "Two Hicks and a Spick In a Goldmine" for me (First shot on my birthday given to be by my bartender friend. Needless to say I don't remember most of the night.

  4. This sounds like my worst nightmare. I get overstimulated quite easily by crowds and noise (I'm pretty sure that this is the clinical definition of "introvert"). I can handle a concert but am completely done and ready to curl up in a dark place by the end; I'd end up fetal in a corner if I attempted to attend even one day of this madness. Plus, I am finicky about food, heat, etc. and would probably throw a TK-in-Forks style fit if I couldn't drink/pee/eat what I wanted, when I wanted.

    But, yall have fun! I'll enjoy reading about your adventures from my couch. In the dark. In my sweatpants.

  5. Something tells me there may be more trouble this year with JJ and TK.....don't know....just call it a feeling I have. Shall we start the bail fund now?

  6. AHH! I'm a little overwhelmed, but I'm gonna try and make it down.

  7. Do you think we could talk LatchkeyWife into going next year? I would need her to hold my hand so I don't get freaked out or lost..Ahh fuck who am I kiddin..she'd be the first one yellin ..ruuun..she's not lookin.. But for reals.. I would love to see this for mahself..JS year sxsw??

  8. Etymology? You learned a fancy new word for this post, didn't you?! Hilarious as usual TK!

    SXSW is something I've always wanted to experience. But at the same time, I'd know I'd be completely totally overwhelmed by, well, everything about it.

  9. I just snort laughed REALLY loudly in my very quiet office when I saw that Penis weather. OMFG!! THehn I forwarded it to one of my co-workers. Good thing my boss isn't here today. LOL!

  10. I'm with My Aftercar, this trip would be my worst nightmare. I used to love live bands and saw my share while living in SFO for many year during and after college. Before my eardrums started bleeding after a certain decibel level is reached. My worst concert story is when I passed out during a Ziggy Marley show (at the Polo Fields), and woke up when Peter Gabriel came on. Unfortunately I couldn't get up since there were about 10 fuckers standing on my hair. I still have PTSD thinking about it.

    But you all have fun. Don't call me for bail money. ;)

  11. I definitely can't make it this year, but thanks to JJ, it's on my MUST GO TO for next year. I cannot believe how huge this festival is and it seems the film side is really becoming a big deal too (or maybe it already was and I just never knew about it). To say I'm jealous is an understatement, I SOOO want to go to this!!

  12. OMG new favorite saying: "fuck you very much"

  13. Well since you can't rock out with your cock out, you'll have to jam out with your clam out!! Have fun!!


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