Odds are, if you are in the continental U.S., you are in the grips of the Snowpocalypse. Actually, I'm not sure if what we have going in Texas can be classed as a Snowpocalypse. We have ice under all the snow. Loads and loads of ice. I currently live and work in a skating rink. I need a Charlie to put chains on my tires and an Edward to stop careening windowless raper vans. Why isn't my life more like Twilight?! Fuck this shit.
What do you do when you're iced in and trying to avoid a Lord of the Flies/The Shining crossover? Twilight marathon, natch. I watched the first two movies, but Mr. TK begged for mercy before I started Eclipse. That means I STILL haven't seen the third movie on DVD. It's still in the wrapper. (This is the part where you ask me to turn in my badge and keys to the Twilight Fan HQ.) It's rare that I actually get to sit down and watch Twilight, or any movie for that matter. I like to play it in the background while I do other things, but I can't remember the last time I watched the entire movie. I forgot how many lines I use in my day-to-day life. Case in point:
"You're aliiiiiive!" I say this all the time. Usually it's not even relatively germane to what's going on around me. I wonder why people think I'm strange.
"Then I hope you enjoy disappointment." I say this pretty much anytime someone asks me to do something. I'm an asshole. What of it?
"You know, your mood swings are kind of giving me whiplash." I like saying this to Mr. TK. On a related note, anytime it rains, Mr. TK says, "How you likin' da rain, AriZONA?"
"Edible art?" We went to a museum exhibit that turned out to be a bust, so I just stood in front of every third statue and said this. The other museum patrons didn't think it was nearly as hilarious as I did. Losers.
"I'm sorry I'm being rude all the time. I just think it's the best way." This was the easiest of all quotes to work into my everyday repertoire. See above in regards to my asshole-osity.
"I don't have the strength to stay away from you." This should always and forever only be said in a creepy voice.
"I'm down with the kids." I rarely watch TV. I'm not up to date on current music. I keep any kids' balls that land in my yard. AARP is dogging my ass to join. In short—I'm old. I use this phrase to throw everyone off my elderly scent. I think a lot of people are now under the false impression that I am, in fact, down with the kids. Mission accomplished.
"The kids really loved those little bottles." I like saying this to my child's teacher and his pediatrician.
"Your skin is pale white and ice cold." This describes me to a T, so I talk about myself in third person and pretend I'm Bob Dole.
"Say it. Out loud." I say this to all mumblers. My kid also says this to the cat when the cat is screaming for no reason.
"You need to see what I look like in the sunlight." I use this in the summer all the time when people ask why I'm so pale. People are assholes. Myself included.
"It's the skin of a killer." and "I've killed people before." are two phrases I picture LatchkeyWife saying all the time. Her freezer of death is legend.
"I don't want to be a monster." Sometimes I say this, but I'm lying. Being an obnoxious monster doesn't bother me.
"It's a private joke. We masturbate a lot." Someone tried to tell me that's not the actual movie line. And?
"You better hold on tight, spider monkey." This line is so horrible it must be repeated with great regularity.
"You brought a snack." I like to say this about people's small pets. No one ever thinks it's funny. Lame.
"I'm the one with the wicked curve ball." I'm sure everyone wraps a white bathmat around their necks and says this. Right? Anyone? Hello?
Let's not forget the end-all be-all of quotes: "Be safe." If I don't say this at least five times in a day, it's because I spent most of the day face down in a ditch. Don't judge.
"Look after my heart. I've left it with you." This one piggybacks off the last. I say this to my co-workers a lot. My HR file must be huge.
I'm always on the lookout for new quotes to work into my routine. That got me thinking: what are the quotes no one ever uses in their day-to-day life? I picked out a few of them and it is now my mission in life to use these in a "normal" conversation. I am such a scourge on humanity.
"I've never wanted a human's blood so much in my life." Ok, I might have used this one already, but it was Christmas and I had been waiting in the store line FOREVER and some bitch tried to cut.
"I'm going to make a steaming cup of compost tea." Going forward, I will announce this anytime I visit the restroom.
"When we taste human blood, a sort of frenzy begins." I would pay so much money to see LatchkeyWife use this in mixed company.
"It wouldn't be like drinking your blood, for instance." I need, not want—need, to see Jenny Jerkface say this on the train.
"I like watching you sleep." I am using this on Monday. It will happen. Get an extra HR folder ready.
"We'll tear him apart and burn the pieces." This is a Wal-Mart trip waiting to happen.
So, what about you? What quotes do you use on a regular basis? I expect a full report on how you worked some of those last ones into conversations. No, I won't bail you out of jail or cry when you lose your job. Don't even ask.
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