Friday, February 4, 2011

Twilight, You Are My Life Now

Odds are, if you are in the continental U.S., you are in the grips of the Snowpocalypse. Actually, I'm not sure if what we have going in Texas can be classed as a Snowpocalypse. We have ice under all the snow. Loads and loads of ice. I currently live and work in a skating rink. I need a Charlie to put chains on my tires and an Edward to stop careening windowless raper vans. Why isn't my life more like Twilight?! Fuck this shit.

What do you do when you're iced in and trying to avoid a Lord of the Flies/The Shining crossover? Twilight marathon, natch. I watched the first two movies, but Mr. TK begged for mercy before I started Eclipse. That means I STILL haven't seen the third movie on DVD. It's still in the wrapper. (This is the part where you ask me to turn in my badge and keys to the Twilight Fan HQ.) It's rare that I actually get to sit down and watch Twilight, or any movie for that matter. I like to play it in the background while I do other things, but I can't remember the last time I watched the entire movie. I forgot how many lines I use in my day-to-day life. Case in point:

"You're aliiiiiive!" I say this all the time. Usually it's not even relatively germane to what's going on around me. I wonder why people think I'm strange.

"Then I hope you enjoy disappointment." I say this pretty much anytime someone asks me to do something. I'm an asshole. What of it?

"You know, your mood swings are kind of giving me whiplash." I like saying this to Mr. TK. On a related note, anytime it rains, Mr. TK says, "How you likin' da rain, AriZONA?"

"Edible art?" We went to a museum exhibit that turned out to be a bust, so I just stood in front of every third statue and said this. The other museum patrons didn't think it was nearly as hilarious as I did. Losers.

"I'm sorry I'm being rude all the time. I just think it's the best way." This was the easiest of all quotes to work into my everyday repertoire. See above in regards to my asshole-osity.

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you." This should always and forever only be said in a creepy voice.

"I'm down with the kids." I rarely watch TV. I'm not up to date on current music. I keep any kids' balls that land in my yard. AARP is dogging my ass to join. In short—I'm old. I use this phrase to throw everyone off my elderly scent. I think a lot of people are now under the false impression that I am, in fact, down with the kids. Mission accomplished.

"The kids really loved those little bottles." I like saying this to my child's teacher and his pediatrician.

"Your skin is pale white and ice cold." This describes me to a T, so I talk about myself in third person and pretend I'm Bob Dole.

"Say it. Out loud." I say this to all mumblers. My kid also says this to the cat when the cat is screaming for no reason.

"You need to see what I look like in the sunlight." I use this in the summer all the time when people ask why I'm so pale. People are assholes. Myself included.

"It's the skin of a killer." and "I've killed people before." are two phrases I picture LatchkeyWife saying all the time. Her freezer of death is legend.

"I don't want to be a monster." Sometimes I say this, but I'm lying. Being an obnoxious monster doesn't bother me.

"It's a private joke. We masturbate a lot." Someone tried to tell me that's not the actual movie line. And?

"You better hold on tight, spider monkey." This line is so horrible it must be repeated with great regularity.

"You brought a snack." I like to say this about people's small pets. No one ever thinks it's funny. Lame.

"I'm the one with the wicked curve ball." I'm sure everyone wraps a white bathmat around their necks and says this. Right? Anyone? Hello?

Let's not forget the end-all be-all of quotes: "Be safe." If I don't say this at least five times in a day, it's because I spent most of the day face down in a ditch. Don't judge.

"Look after my heart. I've left it with you." This one piggybacks off the last. I say this to my co-workers a lot. My HR file must be huge.

I'm always on the lookout for new quotes to work into my routine. That got me thinking: what are the quotes no one ever uses in their day-to-day life? I picked out a few of them and it is now my mission in life to use these in a "normal" conversation. I am such a scourge on humanity.

"I've never wanted a human's blood so much in my life." Ok, I might have used this one already, but it was Christmas and I had been waiting in the store line FOREVER and some bitch tried to cut.

"I'm going to make a steaming cup of compost tea." Going forward, I will announce this anytime I visit the restroom.

"When we taste human blood, a sort of frenzy begins." I would pay so much money to see LatchkeyWife use this in mixed company.

"It wouldn't be like drinking your blood, for instance." I need, not want—need, to see Jenny Jerkface say this on the train.

"I like watching you sleep." I am using this on Monday. It will happen. Get an extra HR folder ready.

"We'll tear him apart and burn the pieces." This is a Wal-Mart trip waiting to happen.

So, what about you? What quotes do you use on a regular basis? I expect a full report on how you worked some of those last ones into conversations. No, I won't bail you out of jail or cry when you lose your job. Don't even ask.


  1. Damn that was some funny shit!!

    Bathroom and the compost tea line really has me in stitches!

  2. What I shout quote is Twilight related fanfic wise.

    I am constantly shouting "Turpentine" at work..and getting odd looks from fellow coworkers.

    Working is my hard limit

  3. I'm biting my lip so hard I'm surprised I'm not bleeding & tears are streaming down my face. Holy mother of fuck, I needed that. Thank you for being the brightest spot in a very shitty day.

  4. I am laughing my ass off (if only I could really laugh the extra part of it off)!! I don't get to use these gems since I live and work by myself, but I do catch myself thinking the the Arizona quote whenever it rains.

  5. This is hysterical!! I always use "My Kung Fu is strong." and "I hope you like disapointment." is a regular occurrence, I use this with the kids I babysit. They hate it and tell me I suck.

    Oh and just to be annoying I say "Movie night with (fill in a name)" with the same inflection :)

  6. This is hilarious! My favorite line is butt crack santa. Usually said to myself when I'm in public and someone's ass crack is hanging out.

  7. ROFL - this has me in stitches, TK, no joke. I just came over here to link to the Heart thing, and I found comedic gold, girl. The drinking blood quotes, holy God. Hilarious!

    Personally, I like a nice visual homage from time to time, so I wave knives at people whenever they enter my home. Welcome!

  8. TK. I think I love you. your posts are always funny

    I think about several twilines several times a day in my head. I keep them to myself as others in RL wouldnt understand

    my boss told me today that I need to be friends with my admin so I think Im going to tell her that I left my heart with her..... next week. Im sure that will get her to do her job. Im sure she hasnt watched any of the twi movies so it should go over well.

    How many days until the Fooorrrrrks trip?

  9. Every time we get in the car, I have to/love to remind my hubs to put his seatbelt on. Now and then he'll get annoyed and say, "Why don't you put your seatbelt on?!" FNAR

    My other fav is "They're not bears!"

  10. I use Alice's "It's time" for anything/everything, even if it makes no sense.

  11. Holy Hell! I haven't laughed this hard in, well "a while" As if the Twilight dialogue hadn't already lost all its meaning, you had to go and add this "It's a private joke. We masturbate a lot." TK I think I heart you.

    I live in AZ & really do hate the rain so I tend to use this A LOT... usually without the excessive blinking & stuttering, "I don't like the rain, any cold, wet, thing I don't really..."

    @Rikki - LMAO at turpentine!

    @Anon - I like the second part of that, "They're wolves! Like HUGE wolves!"

    BTW, gold star to whoever can guess what scene/line my sn comes from ;)

  12. Holy fuck this post was hilarious!!! It's 1 a.m. in Cali & I'm laughing so hard...& loud!

    I usually quote Fifty/MotU. I may not quote Twilight out loud but I can make anything & everything Twilight related. I watched Dances with Wolves on TV the other night & guess who the fuck is in that movie?! Harry fucking Clearwater!!!!! Nobody at work understood why I got so excited..LOL!

    I turn everything into a dirty joke or can make some kind of Twilight/fanfic reference(actually it's usually a mixture of the two) out of everything!!! Unfortunately I have to keep it to myself since it's RL...lame!!!

  13. "Say it. Out loud." ... My kid also says this to the cat when the cat is screaming for no reason.

    OK so this may not be the funniest line in the post but I can relate cause I have cat who Never. Shuts. Up.

    Enjoyed this ;)

  14. "I can't live in a world where you don't exist". These one is the oddest one! So beautiful but no way to use it in a normal conversation.
    And I try to use a lot "I’m breaking all the rules now anyway. Since I’m going to hell". I think it's also from midnight sun...
    And yes i used a lot "I don't like rain, wetb things...". I love to make a lot of twilight related quotes it's my own private joke to myself!

  15. "I use this line to throw people off my elderly scent." Oh My God SO FUNNY!

    I say "Definitely not" with Bella's tone a lot.

    And when someone tells me they can't do something and I'm just not willing to take 'NO' for an answer I reply, "I know you can."

  16. OMFG, I just broke the golden rule of Twitarded "don't drink while reading posts" and spit coffee all over my laptop.

    "I'm going to make a steaming cup of compost tea". Yup, that is now also going to be my phrase before I head to the shitter.

  17. Word on the compost tea bit. Brills.

    And I can never see someone shake off an umbrella or their coat without saying "How you likin the rain, Arizona!?!" And then crickets. Oh well.

    Also that line reminds me of a Twitarded post from months ago when one of youz ladies saw Mike in an SVU episode as an SandM dude. Stuck with me, that.

  18. I was laughing the whole time! My husband thinks I'm insane, but what else is new? However, I did tell him about the 'how you likin' the rain' line because he says that one ALL the time!

    Great post!

  19. What about "I'm a virgin" I challenge you to work that into everyday conversation!

  20. I use "You need to see what I look like in the sun" a lot - this is when my family or girlfriends suggest I go anywhere near a beach for a vacation. I am the poster girl for pale.

    I am a HUGE fan of working movie quotes into everyday conversation. I especially like to use quotes from The Hangover and Arrested Development - yes, I am an asshole so I guess that is why I fit in well here.

    Favorite quote right now is:
    "It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane."

    Try working that one in at work! :)

  21. Hilarious post! I'm grading papers with Twilight on in the background... So glad I'm not alone in my weirdness!!

  22. TK, you are HILARIOUS!!!!!!! My quote suggesation is for you to start telling people that they're your own personal brand of heroin.

    When my kids are headed out the door, I tell them to "be careful" and they reply "always am." My husband knows the line, but he won't play.

  23. Compost one is the most obnoxious & hysterical..def needs it's own HR file ;)

    How many of you have ever asked how old someone's kid is-only to get the "17" answer..and then it's like your brain takes over & you turn 10 shades of purple not to blurt it out?!

    There are so many great lines you could use on a daily basis TK..these are my suggestions:

    "As if you could outrun me" so versatile...
    "Oh, you DO smell good"
    "It's the fluorescents"
    "You don't know how long I've waited for you"
    "Here comes the Human!!!"
    "Very visually Dynamic"
    "What did you expect? Coffins & Dungeons & Moats?"
    "I have considered radioactive spiders & Kryptonite"

    For the Bonus: "Money Sex Money Sex Sex Money Cat" or any deviation of that nature...

    @Just_Bella...Volleyball scene FTW :)

  24. Just got back from my snowmobiling trip where there was spotty internet/phone coverage and I'm busting a nut (ok, I would if I had them....) over the compost tea quote. It seems Mr. Latchkey got a scorching case of food poisoning at some point yesterday and he made about 8,754 cups of compost tea in the past 12 hours... from both ends. Nothing like spending your evening in a bathroom that's not your own, sitting on a foreign shitter with a foreign wastebasket in your lap. Fun times.

  25. ...


    Especially with all of these comments!

  26. When my husband found out I was going to Forks with (in his words, lol) "a bunch of crazy chicks from the internet I don't know" I totally called my friend and told her:"The wolf's out of the bag, now."

    I also use "get a whiff of that" when anyone farts and "I think I can keep up" when someone tells me things are complicated.

  27. and VampiresWeLove gets a gold star! :D
    I dunno why but that scene just_got stuck in my head the very first time I saw Twilight, it kinda reminded me of Will & Graces "Just Jack!" Lol!

  28. Ok, TK, it's official, I seriously love you. Freaking hilarious. This HAS to go in Best Of Twitarded. One of the greatest posts ever.

  29. Bwahahahahahaha! I can so picture you saying all of these things too....scary. Well, due to my online name and my location (Seattle, WA) I often throw 6 packs of 16 oz. cans of Rainier into people's hands and yell "Vitamin R!"....the beautiful thing is that most people have no idea it is a Twilight reference for me.....Teehee! The first time I met @Kitty_Elvis at her house she opened her door and I did this. I am a dork.

    Great post TK....I must admit you have peaked my curiosity...I kind of want a glimpse at your HR file now. :P

  30. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAA!!! A white bathmat around their necks??? LOL! I am laughing so hard. I have nothing to add to this.

  31. Okay, NOT the movies! How bout the books! "Throw it out the window" from BD being the most used in my house.

  32. Hahahah this is awesome!

    I use the spider monkey line all the time. And "you brought a snack". Was SO stoked to find a magnet that said "you brought a snack" in FOOOOORKS last year. Amandakmelby and I also use "it's the fluorescence" a lot and walk off really fast any time we don't want to talk about something. It works...try it!

  33. 'It would be nice to not want to kill you all the time.'

    This one works for anyone who bugs you on a regular basis - spouse/SO, boss, kid, whatever.

  34. Bwahahaha!

    'Spidermonkey' trips off the tongue here regularly, as does 'Be Safe', but I admit, I'd not even thought of the 'Compost Tea' (and, quite frankly, I'm glad I hadn't!)

    I've been known to drop the term 'hard limits' into conversation, as well as 'Laters, Baby'. No-one I know gets it, which is just as well :-o

    Brilliant post! Had me laughing out loud at a very inappropriate time of night (i.e. when the rest of my family has gone to bed).

    CC x

  35. "It's a private joke. We masturbate a lot."

    I snorted pizza flavored goldfish out my nose when I read this.

    Don't judge. I'm the mother of a 4 year old.

    I also use tons of quotes. My favorite is definitely saying it out loud.

    I also love my Fifty jargon too.


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