Monday, April 25, 2011

The Hangover: New York City Edition by Mama Cougar

Twitarded is pleased to present a guest post by @Mama_Cougar. If you don't follow her, you must. She's one funny bitch. So grab a bev and some snacks, sit back and enjoy her play-by-play of one amazing WFE premiere weekend in NYC!


It all started with a text.

A short, sweet text from my friend Sandy (Tatoomickey) that said, “OMFG. I’m driving behind a car with a license plate that says ‘RED CRPT'. WE HAVE TO GO!”

Now, I’m not a religious person, but I am spiritual. The universe speaks to all of us, if we listen. And this… THIS was clearly the universe telling me that I needed to be in New York City the weekend of the Water for Elephants premiere. And then, of course, Southwest Airlines spoke to me with a $250 round trip fare from Chicago and I replied, “FUCK YES, how can I NOT do this?”

And so, our NYC/WFE Adventure began.

My good friends 17ForeverLisa & MrsKassieCullen jumped on board our crazy train, along with Tatoomickey’s crazy-ass, no-filter-whatsoever sister, Donna (now known as RedCarpetNinja) and the five of us formulated a plan. We had two very simple goals for our WFE weekend:

1) Somewhere, somehow, at some point, to have our boobs within a 5 foot radius of Robert Pattinson.

2) In our zealous pursuit of goal #1, NOT to end up incarcerated in a holding cell with the New York City Department of Corrections.
Upon arrival, we quickly ascertained thanks to Tatoomickey’s madd interwebz stalking skillz, that our hotel was directly across the street from the theater. Excellent locale, but since my boobs are a D cup at best, we were going to need more intel on how to achieve goal #1.

Phase One Recon. Entrances, exits, queue lines & the like. We are educated stalkers.

First stop, Planet Hollywood. Where we ran into THESE bitches:

“Ohhhh look, girls. It’s Double_Dippin and Latchkey Wife. This roughly QUADRUPLES the likelihood that we’ll fail at Goal #2. Excellent. I hope they brought the Twitarded Bail Fund money.”

As we’re waiting in line for dinner, we spied Precious’ hands cast in acrylic. You’d think, by our squeeing, that we’d discovered the Holy Grail. Natch, we had to touch. Some with hands, some with boobs, and of course, Latchkey Wife went 100% classy and used her tongue. You know, like she always does. It turns out she’s very orally skilled.

“Jeebus LKW, do you know how many hands have touched that?” “Yes. I do. But I’ll bet I’m the only tongue.”

Later that evening, we’d been invited to attend a “Team Rosie” cocktail party in the hotel lounge, where we’d have a chance to meet the Water for Elephants author, Sara Gruen, as well as Mark Povinelli, the actor who plays Kinko/Walter in the movie. So, we arrive wearing our “Kneel, Open Your Mouth, Smile & Pray” shirts and get in line to meet Mark, who incidentally, was super sweet and YES, I’m going to go there….he was a definite LPILF. Dashing good looks, very cordial, and actually enjoyed speaking with fans, taking photos and signing books. Poor guy didn’t know enough to be afraid. Very, very afraid.

“So Mark, what was it like bunking with Rob?”
“You ladies DO realize we didn’t actually spoon on the cot, right?”
“Mark, humor us, please.”
“OK, ok. He smelled like Camels & Heineken. Happy?”

After chatting with Kinky…umm…oops, KinkO, we grabbed our $10 cocktails and found a booth, where we planned to plant our hineys and await the arrival of Sara, so we could get our books signed. All of a sudden, my ass pocket started vibrating wildly with an all-out Twitard h00r alert. I looked at my screen and the text read “DO NOT TWEET THIS. GET YOUR ASS ACROSS THE STREET.” A casual glance out the window, and I noticed that approximately 50 people were already lined up for one of the only 200 wristbands being offered by Fox for the Red Carpet VIP viewing area. It was 7 pm and the coveted wristbands wouldn’t be distributed until 9 am the next morning. Fourteen fucking hours standing in line. Did we really want to do this?


We abandoned our overpriced Alabama Slammers and left a dust cloud the size of Texas in that lounge as we raced back to our room to grab everything we thought we might need for an overnight wait in line. It was a shitstorm of throwing on long underwear, grabbing camp chairs, umbrellas, snacks, handwarmers, hats…anything.

We scrambled our asses out the door, were almost flattened by a NYC cab, and ran as fast as three 40-something bitches could run into the barricaded area, laughing our tits off at our own absurdity. After claiming our spots, we sent Donna on recon to count how many people were in line and it looked like we were 99ish through 101. We definitely had a decent spot, but could we brave the entire night?

“We are SOFA KING crazy.”
“Eyes on the prize, Mama. Live in the moment. Goal number one. Stay focused on goal number one. Boobs close to Rob.”

We did pretty well for a couple of hours. Laughing and joking with our line mates, glancing across the street into the warm lounge we had just abandoned and thinking about which lucky bitches drank our full cocktails. (STY, that abandoned Jack & Coke you drank? MINE. You’re welcome. Note from STY: I don't do Jack & Coke--I'm strictly a vodka gal--but I'll tell Mr. Laxplays he owes you one.)

And then, it started to rain.

COLD rain. Buckets of rain. Forks-style, FORTY-EIGHT degree rain.

EPIC, torrential rain of biblical proportion. We’re talking, Noah’s building a fucking ark and leading in the circus animals two-by-two, RAIN.

In line, we heard someone quote Mike Newton, “How you likin’ the rain, girl?” We almost ruined goal number two by assaulting that very UNfunny person.

People in the line started dropping like flies. We watched sadly (NOT) as many younger, stronger Rob fans fell. We had rain dripping into our ass cracks and soaking every inch of us to the bone. We even bought an extra umbrella from a vendor and huddled close together for warmth, but that didn’t help our dear Donna, who told us after 3 hours, she couldn’t do it and left the line to become our support person.

We just kept huddling close and repeating to each other, “Goal number one. Boobs close to Rob. Eyes on the prize. Live in the moment.” We never even once considered giving up. It was cold. It was wet. It was fucking miserable. But we knew, even as we were made aware that our beloved Snarkier Than You was watching us from the warm lounge; that Twitardia was counting on us. We felt the warm, dry thoughts from all of you and there was no way in hell we were going give up.

At around midnight, Water for Elephants author Sara Gruen “walked the line”. She was shocked and very deeply grateful for our dedication to her book and the film. She signed books, took photos and even sent pizza. We didn’t have the heart to tell her it was all about boobs and Rob. Goal number one, kept secret, for now.

“I can’t believe you ladies would do this!”“Yeah, Sara. Neither can we, frankly. Thanks for the lap warmer….um…errr, the pizza.”

Throughout the night, it rained, and rained some more. We huddled, snuggled and waited. “Eyes on the prize, boobs close to Rob. Goal number one.” Over and over, we chanted our mantra. At around 3 am we were served donuts and hot chocolate, reportedly sent to us by Rob and Reese. Honestly, we were so cold and wet, Hannibal Lecter could have sent that shit and we’d have been thankful enough to blow him.

Finally, after 14+ hours, 9 am approached and the natives got restless. We had since heard that Latchkey Wife & Double Dippin’ had fallen and gone back to their warm hotel room. 17ForeverLisa and MrsKassieCullen had also bailed out. TatooMickey and I, along with Donnersun and her contingency, were the last Twitards standing. Victory was in our sights!

Giddy. Gleeful. Pissing ourselves. Because of a paper bracelet with #92 & 93 on them. We are insane.

We were released from our barricaded hell on earth and allowed to go back to our rooms, eat, shower, rest and asked to report back to the gates of Hades at 3 pm We ate, we showered. NO fucking earthly way we could sleep. Goal number one kept us WIDE awake.

At 3 pm, once we had been lined up, clusterfucked, and then lined up again, we were released like rabid cattle into the VIP viewing area where we may or may not have scared the shit out of a few people by chanting “Boobs close to Rob!” as we scampered to secure a spot in the front row, right against the barricade. Bitches snooze, bitches lose. You stop your running to listen to some crazy Twitards, we take your spot. Every woman for herself. That’s exactly what the security guy told us as we ran in. And so, we staked our claim on “the wall” and it looked like goal number one would be achieved.

After two more hours of standing, we started hearing little squeals and screeches from the front of the line. And then…..this.


I actually took this picture with my iPhone. My hands were shaking, my heart was pounding, but HOLY FUCK. I was breathing the same air as Precious himself. And it was pure, unadulterated GLORY.

Just LOOK at him. LOOK. Christ, it’s like looking into the sun. He is insanely, unbelievably gorgeous. Even without camera filters. IN THE FUCKING FLESH beautiful. And he smelled wonderful. Like tweed and citrus. GAH!

And then THIS:

Rob - “Thanks for coming out ladies!”
Us – “Uhhhhhh. Uhhhhhh. Oh God. Oh God. Can we (read: our BOOBS) have a picture with you?”
Rob – “Of course!”


And we’re left standing there, incoherent and incontinent.


The rest of the weekend is just a blur in the wake of our boob’s encounter with Rob. We also met Reese:

“Are you ladies ok? Maybe you should sit down?”

We made it into the Regis & Kelly taping the next morning:

“Seth – can you have Security escort me out? I recognize those two women over there.”

We even ran into THIS crazy twatwaffle who, natch, works near the Sex Museum.

JJ - “Girls! I totally almost got arrested in Atlantic City last night.
Us - “Fuck….we need to buy this bitch lunch and GTFO of here. Our association with her is jeopardizing goal number two.”

Finally, we took a quick trip to Times Square, just so we could feel like we had actually visited NYC. 17ForeverLisa may or may not have been leg-hitched by The Naked Cowboy.

Naked Cowboy – “Lisa, stop trying to take your clothes off.”
Lisa – “Did you want to do that part?”

Would I do it again? Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. A million times yes. Zero regrets. I loved every moment of this experience, even my soaking wet bra and nipples so frozen they could cut glass. Even almost getting in a bitch fight in the Regis & Kelly standby line. Even the mind-altering sleep deprivation. Every. Single. Moment.

So, who’s in for the Cosmopolis premiere? [Note from LKW: {{raises hand}} oooh, oooh, ME!]



  1. OMG I laughede sofa king hard...oh oh...I think my boobs are laughing too. You guys are C-R-A-Z-Y I can't believe you touchedsmelledtalkedtohim!!!!! Ahhhh! Can I come next time!!! Ahhh!

  2. OMG!!! LISA!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!

    I had a more coherent comment until I saw the last photo....OH GOD!!!! LMAO!!!!!

  3. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!! HILARIOUS! EXCITED! And totally damn proud of you twatwaffles!

  4. LOL, Bravo for a job well done. Funnier than hell. You kept your eye on the prize (boobs near Rob)and kicked ass!!! Congrats!

  5. I was #55... I don't think I realized what I was giving up at the time...*Kick's my own ass*
    Never again..Next time I will be prepared.. had such a great time in NYC....And SOOOOO fantastic that you got so close to ROB..*kick's own ass again*.. Can't wait to see you guys again..face to ya hard..fantastic post Mama C..

  6. Woohoo MC!!!!! You are a goddess! That's all there is to it. I am so proud of you!!! I loved reading about the whole NY WFE experience from your POV. You had me ROTFL! The pic of you and Rob is the most amazing fucking picture ever! EVER, I tell you!!!! You ARE going to have that blown up to poster size to hang in the Cougar's Den, right?????

  7. I love knowing I was there and a part of all this but I am glad it wasn't me out in that rain. I am weak and I am ok with that. I am thrilled it all worked for you and I love your pictures. Thanks for sharing your story. I am in for the next one :)

  8. I live in MA and arrived in Jersey on Saturday evening. That storm was fucking insane!! The thunder was crazy. I give you mad, mad props for waiting in that. What a payoff though.

    We were a few blocks away from the premiere right as it was happening. My sister and I (both huge Rob fans) debated going over to check I out. We decided our 5 little kids, our mom and my husband really wouldn't be as excited as us to hang out and try to see Rob. Oh well. I'll live vicariously through your post. Awesomeness!!

  9. ROFL! That was the best post ever! You ladies are awesome.

  10. Fabulous post. My favorite picture is the "after" picture. Freak'n hilarious!!!

  11. this will be me in nov of 2012 when i go to LA for the BD premier!!!! rain or no rain, i dont care if i look like a fucking drowned rat, i WILL meet/touch/smell/breathsame air/ as rob when nov 2012 comes around!!!! of course bail money will be waiting for me back home !!! LOL, loved your post, you are my hero right now!!!!

  12. OMG LMAO! My experience was just about the same!!! Our whole group made it the 14 hours though!!
    Didn't get my pic with Rob though since the person behind chose that time to slam her book in my face!

  13. I think I was fifty-something in line - right there with Double Dippin - but I didn't know what I was getting into when I left the house that afternoon! Thanks for taking one for the team, Mama! I had the most awesome time following you and your Twitarded cohorts all weekend on Twitter! Still kicking myself over us not meeting up, to say nothing about that other dude...

  14. damn, you bitches are my heroes -- well done!!!

  15. MC you are definitely my new hero! I'm on the west coast and I was following your tweets as this was all playing out wishing I was right there with you. Girl, you are a riot!

    @17foreverlisa I can't stop howling out loud at you and the cowboy. I wish I knew how to photoshop. I would put Rob's head on that bod. Yowzer, that is quite a manly man!

  16. Best day Ever!!!!!!! Congrats ladies* Goal accomplished*

  17. Awesome post!! Congrats on meeting Rob!!! That had to be a total mind-fuck. WOW...

  18. The look on your faces after seeing Rob is sofaking classic..Lisa getting leg hitched by a near naked cowboy..PRICELESS.


    Loved reading this post M, totally felt like I was there the entire time. Thank you for sharing. I'm so excited for you...I can only imagine how epic it was...especially after all this time!

    xo J

  19. ZOMG. Thank you for describing his smell. I'm such a creeper, but these things matter.

    Your tweets were hilarious! I remember getting up and watching the countdown here in the UK until when you ladies got your wristbands. Felt like I was there with you.

    Fabulous post...only wish I was closer to have waited it out in the rain with you!

  20. Fantastic guest post! I'm in awe of you ladies!

  21. I am going to run off and concoct a new essential oil scent called "Citrus and Tweed". Gah!!!!

    So since my bewbs have smooshed with Mama Cougar's bewbs...does this mean my bewbs have two degrees of separation from Rob? Yes, yes, I think it does.

    Too awesome. Wish I could have been there. I totally would have stayed out all night. Thanks for sharing MC. xo

  22. Oh Mama Cougar, this brought happy tears to my eyes!!!! I love you guys so much and am thrilled that you had such an awesome weekend. Truly you guys deserved it :) You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to doing the BD premiere with you!!! Mwahhhhh!!!!!

  23. That was the most hillarious post to date! "Boob's close to Rob!" LMAO!!!!

    I'm so glad that some of us Twitards got to make it. Without us the party just isn't as good. I live in Maine... maybe I can skip out on the hubby and kids for the next Premiere. God, that would be awsome!

  24. Oh MC, how I love you so.

    I was glued to twitter that night. You see, it gets real quiet in my TL at that time of the night and yet there you were, entertaining me - and I was feeling for you in the rain. I would have cunt punched the person who made the Mike Newton comment.

    That pic of you two aghast after seeing Rob CRACKS. ME. UP.

    I'm glad you had such an amazing time. I cannot wait to meet some twitards in the flesh so I have some stories to tell like yours.

    Oh, and Lisa, I've met the Naked Cowboy too, a few years back when I went to NYC. He didn't dry hump me though. Thank gawd.



    I enjoyed following you on twitter during all of this MC and crew! Thanks for sharing your excitement with us. The headbands were a cute idea!

    Bonus hearing you guys got in to the R/K show. One hell of a magical weekend, lucky bitches!

    @17Lisa, Yeehaw!!!! ROFL!

  26. ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You girls arre the shizz!!!!!

  27. That was awesome! Twitards rule!

  28. I was there and lived this and I'm STILL amazed at the awesomeness that was Rob.

    I wish I had been strong enough to sit in the rain all night, but I'm weak and old. I did, however, get to spend precious dry hours in the bar with STY, LKW, DD, Laxplays, and Mr. Laxplays though, so it was all good. It was even worth the obscene amount of money I dropped on wine that night. Ridonkulous...$15 for a glass of wine.

    Mary, my soul sister, I love you hard. Sandy, you are my hero with you mad recon skillz. Donna, you are so damn funny and you have to go with us again.

    It's good to be a Twitard :)



    PS: Seeing my picture with the Naked Cowboy on this post was nothing compared to finding out it was emailed to co-workers by a friend/co-worker who found it on Facebook after Mary posted it. LMAO!

  29. I'm SO glad you crazy bitches liked my guest post, I was honored to have been asked to do it by the Queens of Twitardia.

    Honestly, I keep re-reading my own words just to remind myself that IT REALLY HAPPENED.

    My boobs were close to HHH. MY boobs. Good God. It's insane to think about.

    Watched WFE last night for the second time and just concentrated on his close-ups. THERE are a gazillion of them, and STFG, I will never, ever tire of looking at his face. EVER.


  30. One more thing...

    I was deadly serious about the tweed and citrus smell. Part of me prayed silently that he'd smell like cigarettes & strawberries, but DAYUM, no. Not a hint of smokey.

    Just tweed & citrus - I think from the hair product.

    GAH - now I'm salivating like a fucking Pavlovian dog.


  31. I am so glad some of us braved the elements to get this close. I mean fuck, you can't get much closer without getting in his pants. That's my goal for next time. In his pants.

    And fuck me, I'll never smell citrus again without ruining my underpants. And tweed -- although I'm not quite sure what tweed smells like.

    Thanks again to MC for taking the time to put together such a wonderful post that makes you feel like you were there.

    Oh, and how I love that picture of the two of you - shell-shocked - after your encounter with the Preh-tay!

    Next time I'll be ready. Next time I'm bringing my fucking sleeping bag. Next time I will touch him. Inappropriately.

  32. When's the next premiere he'll be at? I am SO.FUCKING.THERE! Okay...not one of the Twilight movie premieres though. Where do you think they'll premiere 'Bel Ami'?? ;-)

    This was a STUPENDOUS post MC. Can't...stop...laughing..."Bitches snooze, bitches loose." MAH HAHAHAHAHA! Bring me next time!! I have pointy elbows. That's all I'm sayin'.

  33. More power to you ladies. I'm glad you had a great time and were successful in your quest to have your boobs near Rob. HA!

    Great post.

  34. You ladies were awesome! Love your recap of the night from hell! And yes, it was me that said "How you liking the rain, girl?!" hahahaha. Fun times!!!

  35. @MC- I was soooo happy when I got to fly with you and Lisa two of my fav crazy chicks! You and Sandy are troopers.. I could never have done the whole night but I wouldn't do it any differently. I still got 'close enough' in the VIP area then much much closer at the Today show so it was all worth it. Or little redcarpetninja did us all proud! They may have kept your arm from touching Rob but they will NEVER control the bewbs!!

    PS: When I saw WFE I had a payday candy bar in your honor... I'm so fucking stoopid! LOL

  36. Oh thanks for sharing the full story with us...what a riot!!

    @Lisa -- I would die if that pic was distributed at my office. Oh hellz no!!!

  37. Mary, that was AWESOME! I wish I could have been there with you and wished you could have been with me when we were on set in GA and TN this summer (his parents house, jumping the train...any scene that was lush and green...I was close by!)!

    Gah, you are a trouper! I'm not even sure if I could have stayed out there for 14 freaking hours! That is dedication (or derangement!)!

    I truly am glad that you got a pic of the Precious. I thought I would be jealous of you but when I saw the 'pic' I just felt pure joy and happiness for you! Way to go, gal!

  38. Great, GREAT post!!!!! My favorite line was "It's like looking into the sun!" You are my new heroes!

  39. The Coug Rules! I bow to your awesomeness!

    Hot Damn! I wish I could have been there! Oh well you just have to regale me with the story in Forks, I'll buy the shots!

  40. You ladies are in a clip of this coverage of WFE in NYC.

  41. I hope the next premiere if it is here in NYC I can join in the fun. But if it starts to snow or rain as well as being cold, my ass is out.

    Sorry! I can only face the elements for theater seats.


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