Tuesday, April 26, 2011

If the Pretty Shoe Fits

This is a story about a tiger trying to change its footwear, er, stripes. I am a prissy, picky bitch. I have very particular tastes and about a millionth of the income I need to support those finicky cravings. I feel sorry for anyone who tries to buy me a gift. Giving me a present can be a full-contact sport. Thankfully, my bloggy partners in crime know me well. They bought me a gift card to Zappos for my birthday so I could feed my shoe fetish. Gift cards always go over well.

Thank you, JJ, STY, LKW, VitR & Myg!

I literally did jumpy claps and sang, "I'm gonna get somethin' prettah!" Then I had a sobering thought. Maybe I should buy some sensible shoes for Forks. I only own one pair of flats (and those are about to have a date with the trashcan since they feel like wooden tissue boxes on my feet). I like heels — the funkier and/or girlier the better. I wear heels of some sort with everything. I try to vary my shoe wardrobe whenever I shop, but I always come back to the pretty, pretty heels. It's like a sickness. A pretty, pretty sickness.

I promised myself I wouldn't buy another pair of shoes unless they are fit to trudge through the rain forest. I really, really meant to keep that promise. Honestly, I did. I only went shoe shopping once last month and I may or may not have slipped up a teeny, tiny bit.

I blame Shoewhoreninja for this mess. One pair does have a heel lower than 4 inches. That counts for something, dammit! Oh, and I never make my bed. Obviously.

Ok, I might have fallen off the wagon a for a minute. I got one last hit and I was going to get serious about finding some "sensible" shoes. How hard can it be? They just need to be comfy, with no heel and somewhat water resistant.

This is the sole (no pun intended) reason I didn't go into the nursing profession.
That and I don't like people.

The Zappos gift card seemed like the perfect opportunity to buy something I wouldn't normally buy. You know, like ugly shoes normal people wear. I spent hours looking. I checked out flat boots and boots with low, chunky heels. I liked several of the wellies, but I couldn't narrow down my options there. I'll have to save that purchase for another day. I ended up with a bunch of sandals in my cart at one point because I'm clearly under the impression Forks has relocated to Texas. I took the sandals out of the cart and started from scratch. I remember taking a quick peek at the heels — only for the sake of curiosity. I was just going to look at them for a second. Honestly. Things got fuzzy after that. The next thing I knew, I got a notification that these babies were being shipped to my doorstep.

Yes! I don't have any gray pumps that look exactly like these! How could I pass up L.A.M.B.? I'm only human, after all. My willpower has its limits.

All right, I might have fallen off the wagon again. (Can you fall off if you were never on it in the first place?) Next time I will buy something befitting the wettest place on the continental U.S. Probably. Maybe. I'm open to suggestions. And the first person to utter the word "Danskos" will get bludgeoned to death with the above shoes.


  1. I am so not a shoe person, and it shows. BUT I desperately need some new shoes because I'm always thinking "Fuck, if only I had this type of shoe to wear with this.." Lesson learned, I need some new shoes...for realz.

    Anyhoo, that's so awesome that they banded together & got you the gift card. Super cool!

    w/v "henerotic" um is that chicken porn?? Ok jk, there wasn't an "i" in that..but I hallucinated and saw it.

    xo J

  2. You could always wear crocs...

    *runs away cackling*

  3. I love that you call them wellies. Not many Americans know what the fuck I'm talking about when I say wellie and I'm from here.

    I'd go for a pair of *gasp* sneakers! Something that will be comfortable. Go to TJ Maxx or DSW and get them cheap.

  4. Chucks! Get a little KStew vibe going'

  5. I think we might've been twins separated at birth... except I'm not 1/2 as funny as you!

    How about a nice pair of chucks? You can even get them punked.

    Pair them with a nice pair of skinny jeans and... walla... you'll look almost like Bella.

  6. **puts helmet on**

    Have you considered some comfortable and practical Danskos TK? You could borrow some of mine.
    Though I am not certain your feet are capable of going flat anymore after viewing your footware.

    **runs like a Cullen**

  7. I am the last person to make suggestions about what others should wear on their feet, so I won't even try. I am reading a fic called "wild" and I think of you. The author even posted a photo album to go with to aid the clueless. You'd love Bell's shoes.

  8. @o0fefe0o & @VitR--*launches 1shoe at each of your heads*

    I do think Chucks are super cute, but I look like I'm 11 in them. I just can't pull off that look. Maybe I could try a cute, sporty sneaker...or an espadrille with a 2" heel. That counts as a flat, right? Right?!


    *sticks tongue out at you*

    I do love my DANSKOS!!

    If I tried to wear any of the shoes that TK loves so much, I would most surely fall to my death. Or get a nose bleed from the altitude. Or get a mega muscle cramp in my calf. That's usually what happens when I wear heels... and then I end us writhing on floor, crying out in pain!

    Yeah, heels and me, we don't get along.


  10. I had to google Danskos because I have never heard of them before and OMG those are the most hideous shoes I have ever seen. I don't think I could wear those out just to get the mail. TK, what about Toms or Sketcher bobs? They make those in girly colors, some are even glittery. I'm a heel girl as well so I don't actually own a pair so I can't say if they are comfortable or not.

  11. TK I'm a fan of the Dansko, but for you I say get some Hunter's for Forks and call it a day:


    If the above boot isn't your thing and you need some shoes that won't take up too much space amongst your heels, then try the UGG Ashdale:


    Both choices come in varying colors.

  12. Bwahahaha I had to google Dansko... {{shudder}}
    Love the grey pumps!
    Living on the west coast I'm a fan of Merrell hiking boots, super comfortable if you want to get out and trek around the forest and keep your feet dry.

  13. Sketchers Tennis shoes are comfy & I have worn them every time I've gone to Forks. They'll do fine on the beach or if you decide to venture into the woods. Also you can get them pretty cheap. Have fun shoe shopping! If you want more of a waterproof boot...I am going to suggest Fat Babys. THose have worked well for me also. :-)

  14. HIGHLY recommend the Hunter wellies - flove mine! totally worth it (as long as you don't buy the designer ones - NO designer ones!).

  15. God, I'm the last person that should be commenting here because I HATE shoes. If I had my way I'd go barefoot EVERYWHERE.

    Considering that it's not always practical or socially acceptable to look like I live in a 12' trailer in Appalachia, I have TONS of flats, some flip-flops, and my trusty Nike sneakers for walking. I don't own a single pair of shoes with heels higher than an inch, and my only boots are my "I Love Vampires" rainboots that I bought in FORKS.

    That being said, I LOVE looking at adorable shoes on adorable people, and those grey suedes are HOT. I will personally buy you a drink in FORKS if you wear those hiking through the Hoh.


  16. I am shocked and appalled that not one person has recommended Wallabees. They are fashionable, comfortable, and you will instantly be transported to the 70's. For real.

    **TK Do not read this!** To everyone else, when she shows up wearing those fugly things, make sure you tell her how great she looks. It will be our little secret, mwuahahaha.

  17. I used to love heels, before I had a passel of children and my feet literally grew by a size, and I no longer fit into any of my shoes; also, I have found heels to not be conducive to running after toddlers hell-bent on injuring and/or killing themselves in a million different ways, so my closet is now full of flats, flip flops and sneakers. I have only one pair of heels left *sheds tear* But seriously, TK, I am jealous of anyone who can do that much shoe shopping and the husband doesn't change the door locks. Mr. TK must be very understanding, or do you slip him a mickey when you go knock over a shoe store? LOL And, BTW, I happen to be a nurse, and while some nurses really do wear shoes similar to those pictured above, I swear, mine are soooo much cuter. There needs to be a nursing shoe version of "What Not to Wear." But that's another post.

  18. @Mama Cougar, i am right there with you, i HATE HATE HATE shies.........and i MANAGE a shoe store, but i save money that way!!!! and i have a size 11 foot,so finding cute shoes does not happen, and the shoes i do like look like all of TKs ahoes,stuff i cant wear to work!! LOL

    so TK id deff get some DANSKOS!!!!!!!
    *runs away really fast* *and ducks*

  19. First time (this year) posting, still long time lurker :) Yeah, go with Sketchers, all the way. I too lived in heels until last year when I took my first trip to Disney World, and according the hubs, there was no way to navigate Disney in heels, no matter how cute they looked, it would not be worth it. He was right. So I went out and bought myself two pairs of sketchers. You can get them for less than $100 here in Canada; prob much cheaper in the US. Bastards. I've actually found myself shopping for pants that are hemmed for flats/sketchers now. And I feel kinda Bella-like with flats and skinny jeans. So what if I'm 30? :D

  20. I'm positive my shoe collection would result in a suicide pack between you and Ash so I won't go there. I understand shoe fetishes about as much as I get JJ's love of Man Man/Loud Loud.

    Those are cute shoes but gravity would insist I stand in the same spot for ...ever. Good luck:)

  21. Okay, I love you and all your posts so I was particularly tickled to see that we both have the same comforter! When I first saw the photo I thought it was an internet pic and I thought, "Some shoe whore like me has the same bedspread." And lo and behold-- you are the shoe whore! Yay! I have, however, embraced the flat shoe. Might I suggest the mighty kitten heel as a nice transition? xoxoxoxo


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