Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Jenny Jerkface vs. The Doorman

There is a bar the next town over that Snarkier Than You and I frequent. It's dirty and dark, the toilets seldom work and there is always a questionable stink in the basement area. We don't go there for the ambiance, naturally. We go there because that's where Myg, ML, Mr. Snarky and a multitude of mutual friends play music so we suck it up, try not to wrinkle our noses at the weird funk and focus on the awesome music our friends play.

This might be the bar. And I might be in the picture...

Unfortunately, there is another sinister aspect to this bar and it is the one thing that is completely inescapable... the Doorman. He has been there as long as I've been going to this bar (12 years) and I'm almost positive he was actually The Doorman before the fucking bar was even in existence. Also? HE DOESN'T FUCKING AGE, people. He looks exactly the same as he did 12 years ago. I'll leave you to your own conclusions.

The Doorman sits on a stool at the top of the stairs and if you want to see a band play, you have to pay tribute to The Doorman, usually 8 bucks. Sounds easy, right? It's not.

Because The Doorman is, in general, a total dick**.

The Doorman is more disgruntled about taking twenty-dollar bills than Wilford Brimley is about having "diabeetus"...

For years we've all suffered his acerbic commentary (he's questioned my mental capacity more than once and asked if there was something incestous going on between me and my brother), the glowering disapproval when you don't hand him exact change (all bills MUST be facing the same way) or present your wrist in the correct way (the right one, on the inside) to receive the Holy Communion of the Bar -- usually a big rubber stamp that I swear they soak in indelible ink because it takes days to wear off, forcing you to walk around looking like an unshowered dirtbag.

People are scared shitless of The Doorman, but I usually find his antics to be somewhat amusing, even if he loves to call me a freeloader when I'm on the guest list. I stopped that about a year ago when he accused me of not supporting the band and I told him I do the bassist's laundry and let him stick his penis in me and that's all the support the fucking band is going to get. His scowl merely deepened and he pressed a little harder than necessary when he gave me stamp and allowed me passage into the bowels of the bar.

Oh, gee, I'd sure love to give you a blowjob but... I'm doing your laundry.

Jenny Jerkface - 1, The Doorman - 0.

It's rumored he doesn't ever smile and eats small children and kittens as snacks. Or maybe I just made that up.

Because I'm an old hand at The Doorman Routine, I didn't think anything of it as I approached him last Saturday. In fact, I was feeling a little gleeful because I didn't have exact change and I knew this was going to piss him off so, with drink in hand and a huge grin on my face, I walked up and handed him my twenty.

He looked at it like it was covered with herpes. Then he looked at me and said, "when are you due?"

**blink blink**

**blink blink blinkety-fucking-blink**

Seconds, maybe even minutes passed as I stared at him. Then I glanced at my cocktail. Then my gaze dropped down to my stomach. Then I looked back at him. I had what I like to call a "High Fidelity***" moment and debated tackling him, throwing my drink in his face or beating him mercilessly with his own goddamned rickety stool. Possibly all of the above. At the same time.

A simulation of what all my brain cells were doing inside my noggin...

What.

The.

Fuck?

As I continued to stare at him, his permanent scowl shifted and he looked a little... confused.

That all changed when I replied loudly, "I'm not pregnant. I'm just fucking fat."

Even in the dim lighting I could see his face grow red. His mouth opened and shut a few times before he stuttered out a slightly chagrined, "sorry." I thanked him for reminding me that I was a chubster, wiped the sarcasm that was dripping out of my mouth and let him stamp my wrist, my indignant rage lessening slightly as floundered to remove his foot from his mouth, looking a little frightened. In all the time I'd been going to the bar I have heard The Doorman say terrible things to people but I had never, EVER heard The Doorman say anything nice or apologize. To ANYONE.

As I stomped down the stairs, I grinned because there is nothing better than embarrassing the fuck out of someone who is rude.


Jenny Jerkface - 1, The Doorman - well... 2, I guess.

Of course I couldn't let this go. Every time I walked by him I clutched my back, pushed my stomach out and tried to do the best "pregnant" walk I could as I shuffled up to the bar for another cocktail. He refused to look at me.

There are certain things you NEVER say to a woman. Among those are "I'm sorry about the accident that deformed your face... no accident, you say?" or "are you a product of inbreeding?" but the biggest is asking a woman if she is pregnant. Yes, pregnant ladies are beautiful in their mommy glow and everything but it's just not worth getting it wrong in case she isn't preggers. As Suzspetals put it so eloquently via Twitter, "you never ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you see the baby's head crowning."

Hi! I'm going to cut off your balls now! Gleefully and with a giant smile on my face...

Has something like this ever happened to you?

Also, I'm burning the dress I wore that night. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, empire waist dress.

** - Rumor also has it that The Doorman is actually a really nice guy outside of the bar. I don't buy it.

*** - For those of you who have never seen the movie High Fidelity (with John Cusack and Jack Black) there is a scene in which his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend confronts him at the music shop and this is exactly what I'm talking about.

39 comments:

  1. I love it when obnoxious people get their comeuppance. At least l he had the grace to be chagrined.

    Asking about people's hair color is another no-no. Even if they show up with purple streaks and pink tips. You just never know...

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  2. I teach high school. Every year-for the past five years- someone (or multiple someones) have asked me if I'm pregnant. At least he felt bad, teenagers have no shame.

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  3. I generally get "are you preggo yet?" or the ever popular "when are you going to get preggo?" Which is totally awesome when you can't seem to get knocked up. I usually reply with "so how's your sex life?" Fuckers.

    I swear the basic rule is, never ask a woman about her reproductive status. Ever.

    p.s. I'd love to take credit for saying something so awesomely funny as that but I think it was mama cougar that said that. Or it could have been VitR.

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  4. @Cullenary Curser - Well, you are a clever little bitch so I figured you said it. It was actually Suzspetals. Thanks for being my brain because clearly I don't have one.

    I agree that no one should comment about reproductive status (well, unless it's here or with loved ones who you won't stab). I have close friends and family who are trying everything in their power to have a baby and it must be so upsetting.

    And I've had people say really awful and fucking cruel shit to me because I am not trying.

    At the end of the day, it's nobody's business.

    Sorry, enough with the heavy. :)

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  5. @JJ - thanks, but I couldn't take credit for someone else's awesomeness ;) And you definitely have a brain.

    And I could junk punch anyone that hassle's women decision about their bodies. Kids? No kids? Tons of kids? Kids with IVF? Kids with the help of drugs? Kids by adoption? No one should be judgy-judgy.

    *steps of soap box*

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  6. WTF?
    Yeah, going HF on him would be my first reaction too! Asshole. I know someone who almost made that same mistake. I persuaded him not to, and to NEVER, EVER ask that question. I think I put the fear of God in him with my persuasion. :D

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  7. One time when I was 12 or so I went to the mall with my mom and was getting pizza. My mom braided my hair back and I had simple white shirt, jeans, and I had a baseball hat backwards. When I was up the guy behind the counter asked "and what would you like sir?" it took me off guard and I order softly. At 12 I didn't have big boobs or anything but I had at least more than mosquito bites. I hated that day. But in turn dressed more girly.

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  8. JJ-

    I have seen you in person and you aren't a chubster, nor do you look like you have a bun in the oven.

    So many fashions these days make women look preggers. I carry my weight in my hips & arms..luckily, my stomach stays relatively chub-free. HOWEVER, any empire waist style dress or shirt or whatev'...makes me look preggers...so I avoid them at all cost.


    This post was nothing less that hilarious.

    xo J

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  9. When I was in college I worked at a private gym for a large company in Silicon Valley. We had to wear the most hideous sweatshirt with 6" waistbands...anyway one day I was working the front desk when one of the male members strolled up. We had the normal greeting while I checked him in until he cheerily asked me "When are you due?" I said "due?...due for what?!" So he was kind, and by kind I mean stupid, enough to reply, "Your pregnant, right? When is the baby due?" His face fell when my inquisitive expression turned to bitch brow and said "I'm NOT pregnant." He muttered sorry and practically ran. Then on his way out he stopped and noted that "It must be the sweatshirt...but, uh sorry. I feel bad." It still makes me shudder to think about it. Anyone who questions you about your reproductive state is a grade A asshole. So I feel for you JJ. I agree with @twiredjen...you DO NOT look preggers nor are you a "chubster". You are a beautiful woman...I'd do ya, if I were into that sortof thing.

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  10. Jenny - Thanks for the mention; just wish it wasn't in reference to this blatant insult. If I was in the Mafia AND in Jersey, I'd absolutely take care of The Doorman for you. *wink wink*

    I used to work in a golf store in the 90s and had an empire waist dress on one day. I'm generally slender, but this old guy who thinks he's all cool asks me when I'm due. When I icily replied that I wasn't pregnant, HE got pissed and walked off!

    The worst, though, was when I told all my friends I was adopting (single). One of my guy friends said, "So, can you GET pregnant?" I shut him up when I replied, "I don't know, I've spent 20 years making sure it didn't happen."

    Men are idiots. Love em, but they're idiots.

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  11. I know a girl at the moment who I am CONVINCED is pregnant. But there is no way on God's green earth that I am asking. I'm not the only one who thinks so and none of us are speaking up.

    I fucking love your, umm, eloquence, JJ:

    #1 "I told him I do the bassist's laundry and let him stick his penis in me and that's all the support the fucking band is going to get" <---- Laughing my arse off.

    #2 I'm not sure what's scarier in that Lolcatz pic, the cat or the soap dispenser. I'd be afraid.

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  12. Maybe the doorman thinks he's working at Dick's Last Resort, the place where you go to get treated rudely. I think you handled his ignorant comment perfectly though and walking around with an exaggerated pregnant waddle was brilliant!

    There is a stylist at the salon I go to that I think has been pregnant for about a year and a half. She probably is having trouble dropping the baby weight but I am smart enough not to open my mouth about it. Saying "when are you having that baby" to someone who delivered months ago is as bad as what was said to you.

    Other things you should never say to a woman:

    -what did you do to your hair? (I paid a small fortune to get this weedwack of a cut, just say it's cute)

    -do you really think you should be eating that? (grrrrr)

    -relax/why are you so emotional? (I want to murder you)

    -what is your problem? (you, most assuredly)

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  13. Last year this woman asked to cut in line in front of me over at the employment office, and I said sure, although, I was a bit annoyed. She kept apologizing, and I couldn't figure out why until she asked me how far along was I. I gave her such a death stare, I think it actually shortened her life by some. I then proceed to all but snarl through my teeth that I wasn't pregnant, and her face got all red and she bowed her head in shame.

    Now, the reason why this was particularly painful is that I am one of those women struggling with infertility. So any time anyone asks me about whether I am or when I'm going to be pregnant, I go through the fucking roof.

    I'm with CC on this - people should not inquire into the woman's reproductive status. Ever.

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  14. I have confirmation that this guy has been at the door since 1971. Nineteen-fucking-seventy-one, people!!! And he has always been known as "That Old Cranky Guy" - it's insanity!

    I have to admit that I play along with his Soup Nazi-ness (he really IS "The Doorman Nazi") so we get along just fine. He even cracks jokes (and he does volunteer work in his off hours, jftr). But don't get on his bad side!

    My fave Doorman story: Mr. Snarky was heading downstairs with one of his more boisterous friends back in the day. Said boisterous friend was bitching - loudly - about the cover charge. the following exchange took place:

    Boisterous Friend: TEN DOLLARS?! I better get laid for ten dollars!

    The Doorman: You're trying to get laid with that haircut?

    P.S. JJ, if you really want to up your game pissing-him-off-wise, make sure you are talking on your cellphone - loudly - the next time you are heading in his direction. I have seen this make him nearly implode. Oh and you didn't hear it from me.

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  15. LMAO!! I'm going to venture a guess that this guy has a pot belly. Perhaps you should ask him when HE is due.

    The inappropriate things people say astound me sometimes. I got a LOT of "still not pregnant, huh?" and "maybe if you just relax." *RAGE* Since when did you become a doctor? A-hole.

    And JJ, in no way do you look pregnant. Not a bit. He's an idiot who needs his eyes checked - ignore him!

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  16. And now I kinda want to go to this hell hole. Just once. And I shall give The Doorman my cover charge in nickels, while talking on the phone.

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  17. HOLY POOP!!! I haven't laughed so hard in a loooong time!

    *blink blink blinkety fucking blink*

    Seconds, maybe even minutes passed as I stared at him. Then I glanced at my cocktail. Then my gaze dropped down to my stomach. Then I looked back at him.

    PURE FUCKING GOLD! Also FYI you do not look pregnant. Men are just stupid. No thinking happens between brain & mouth. Love you!

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  18. I was at an auction and bidding on a year's supply of diapers (I know, the exciting events I am forced to attend!), when a young man also bidding asked me, "When are you do?" I answered with a curt, "Two years ago."

    I also went straight home and threw out my empire waisted dress..haha

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  19. That guy, nicknamed "Shoes" for no known reason, has been working the door since my husband was a freshman at Rutgers. That was in 1971. Yes, '71. As in 40 years ago. (I married an old man, but I digress) From what I hear, he has always been a dick. The fact that he said "sorry" to you will become the stuff legend.

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  20. @likeitlemony - I HATE when people say "do you think you should be eating that?" It makes me stabby.

    I have to admit I'm kind of surprised so many of you "are you preggers" story! I thought it was kind of a universal rule that most people knew NOT to ask that question.

    @My After Car - I would punch someone in the face, vagina and/or nuts if they said something like that. It's unacceptable and unbelievably rude.

    @STY - I'm TOTALLY going to be talking on the phone the next time!! Also, I plan on doing this while you're with me.

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  21. Jeez, I wish I had half the set of big balls you all seem to have. When confronted with this situation I usually blush, stammer, and then say something REALLY witty like, "oh....um um um um...I'm not...um...bye". Of course, I'm also the dumba$$ that can NEVER remember to say "What a cute BABY" vice "What a cute baby girl/boy".

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  22. @JJ You are so petite, I doubt you look pregnant in any dress, Empire waist or not. But men are stupid for the most part, when it comes to complimenting, or even commenting on a woman's attire. So fuck him, and his ignorance.

    I agree, do not congratulate a woman on her pregnancy, unless you're handing her a baby shower gift AT THE BABY SHOWER.

    Now, what I hate is when my husband thinks he's helping me out by not giving into my PMS 'cravings'. Some days, I fucking want chocolate. But he thinks he's helping me keep on track, calorie wise. Problem is, when you're PMS'ing, you are already feel fat and bloated, and yes, we all know that are cravings are unhealthy, but fuck dieting. I want to shank my husband during this week.

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  23. This post killed me. I think you're on the cusp of winning, JJ. Keep it up.

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  24. I saw the tweets when this happened and I was SHOCKED!! not only because he was so wrong and rude but because he has to be blind too!! You are in no way fat and in no way do you look pregnant. Oh my!!! On retrospect you should have answered "15 months" and see what he would have done. Also he must have been concerned that you were drinking. Oh my!

    I loved Living with Edward's tweet which was something "I don't wear empire waisted clothes because I feel like I am carrying an empire." or something like that. I burst out laughing with that one.

    If I recall you also tweeted that you should have gotten in for free and I totally agree. Oh my!

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  25. I was asked when I was due by a pharmacist. My baby was 2 months old. It was great for my postpartum self-esteem. Then there was the time that someone said "I thought you already had your baby", which was just embarrassing because my baby was 4 months old & I was, in fact, pregnant again. The best was when a neighbor rolled his eyes & said "Geez! How many you gonna have?!" My husband just said, "Until we get an ugly one".
    JJ, nothing about you is chubby. He's just a crotchety old doorman. You should've kicked his stool out from under him.

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  26. I would have probably just junk punched the guy but embarrassing him is pretty awesome!

    Nothing like that has ever happened to me but... my best friend and I were out shopping and we were looking for women's sports jerseys, she asked the sales girl where they were located and she proceeded to say "Well, I don't think we sell them in the plus department?" with a confused look on her face. I just busted out laughing and had to walk away, she might have some junk in the trunk (and knows it) but is far from shopping in the plus department; if anything I would have expected her to say it to me.. I must just hide it well lol.

    Oh and then my same friend came with me to the hospital when I was hurt a few weeks ago and the nurse asked her if she was my mom LMFAO... I'm going to hell I'm such a bad friend and I sincerely hope karma doesn't bite me in the ass.

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  27. I have done the same thing multiple times. I had an ex-coworker ask me recently when I was due for number two. First off, there's never been a number one. When I pointed out I wasn't pregnant and didn't have any children, she sputtered like crazy.

    I had an acquaintance come up in Wal-Mart(the evil beast) put her hand on my stomach and ask when I was due. I looked her straight in the eyes and with a straight face said, "I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat." The look on her face almost made up for the abysmal feelings that her comment gave me. I realize I'm not stick thin but I'm not super heavy either, I just carry a lot of my weight around the middle.

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  28. LOL, I'm glad you embarrassed that asshole. And a little surprised you let him off so easily.

    Yeah, that is about the worse thing someone can say to a woman!

    I was party dress shopping with a gf who is 10 yrs younger, and the twit of a sales girl asked if I was her mother. WTF?! I couldn't even get mad because it was so ridiculous!

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  29. Aside from the fact that a complete fuckwad's comment inspired it, this post is an epic WIN!! *wiping drink off computer screen that I spewed out of my mouth and nose at "...let him stick his penis in me" and everything afterward* You rock, JJ; in my personal and professional opinion, as someone who has been pregnant more than my fair share AND works with pregnant people in my career, you do NOT look pregnant and the doorman obviously needs lasik surgery, preferably performed by you, with your fingernails :)

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  30. I actually did the asking once..I worked in a grocery store and the woman was buying diapers and formula.. no baby with her..so I simply asked "Oh when are you due" (I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!)
    her reply ( very angrily) was.. I had my baby 4 months ago with a ppsshh of her tongue..I said oh I'm so sorry..* a closed moth gathers no foot* Love you Doorman story..he sounds like he knows how to be The Dickman..ps..you always look cute..

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  31. hmm_birch (Heather)April 8, 2011 at 6:06 AM

    For some reason I get that question more often than I care to acknowledge. The first time - I was in St. Lucia (my honeymoon, so I was still a stick figure) at the pool drinking all day long and a worker there asked if I was with child. WHAT? That was at my skinniest. Apparently I have fat ankles so it begged the question. FUCK YOU LADY, YOU RUINED MY BUZZ!!

    Usually I do the same as you, JJ - make them feel BAD about it. I do not understand what makes someone ask that question. Take my advice and DON'T DO IT.

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  32. Its happened to me. I work with preschoolers and I am the bus manager. I walk around and check to make sure all of the buses are in, and check them to make sure all the children have gotten on and whatnot. With this job I have gotten close with many of the bus drivers, but they are in no means my friends. One of them said to me, "girl when are you going to admit that you are pregnant??" my answer was something along the lines of "This is my beer belly, if I am pregnant I am giving birth to a 6 pack of bud light." I've also had another driver say after christmas vacation, "oh I thought you would have gotten a little christmas gift!" Other bus drivers have asked some of the other girls who have put on weight, in all the wrong areas, if they were pregnant as well. Its something that I have never asked anyone even if I knew for a fact that they were. It's just not right.

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  33. Its happened to me. I work with preschoolers and I am the bus manager. I walk around and check to make sure all of the buses are in, and check them to make sure all the children have gotten on and whatnot. With this job I have gotten close with many of the bus drivers, but they are in no means my friends. One of them said to me, "girl when are you going to admit that you are pregnant??" my answer was something along the lines of "This is my beer belly, if I am pregnant I am giving birth to a 6 pack of bud light." I've also had another driver say after christmas vacation, "oh I thought you would have gotten a little christmas gift!" Other bus drivers have asked some of the other girls who have put on weight, in all the wrong areas, if they were pregnant as well. Its something that I have never asked anyone even if I knew for a fact that they were. It's just not right.

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  34. HOLY POOP!!! I haven't laughed so hard in a loooong time!

    *blink blink blinkety fucking blink*

    Seconds, maybe even minutes passed as I stared at him. Then I glanced at my cocktail. Then my gaze dropped down to my stomach. Then I looked back at him.

    PURE FUCKING GOLD! Also FYI you do not look pregnant. Men are just stupid. No thinking happens between brain & mouth. Love you!

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  35. And now I kinda want to go to this hell hole. Just once. And I shall give The Doorman my cover charge in nickels, while talking on the phone.

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  36. LMAO!! I'm going to venture a guess that this guy has a pot belly. Perhaps you should ask him when HE is due.

    The inappropriate things people say astound me sometimes. I got a LOT of "still not pregnant, huh?" and "maybe if you just relax." *RAGE* Since when did you become a doctor? A-hole.

    And JJ, in no way do you look pregnant. Not a bit. He's an idiot who needs his eyes checked - ignore him!

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  37. When I was in college I worked at a private gym for a large company in Silicon Valley. We had to wear the most hideous sweatshirt with 6" waistbands...anyway one day I was working the front desk when one of the male members strolled up. We had the normal greeting while I checked him in until he cheerily asked me "When are you due?" I said "due?...due for what?!" So he was kind, and by kind I mean stupid, enough to reply, "Your pregnant, right? When is the baby due?" His face fell when my inquisitive expression turned to bitch brow and said "I'm NOT pregnant." He muttered sorry and practically ran. Then on his way out he stopped and noted that "It must be the sweatshirt...but, uh sorry. I feel bad." It still makes me shudder to think about it. Anyone who questions you about your reproductive state is a grade A asshole. So I feel for you JJ. I agree with @twiredjen...you DO NOT look preggers nor are you a "chubster". You are a beautiful woman...I'd do ya, if I were into that sortof thing.

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  38. @Cullenary Curser - Well, you are a clever little bitch so I figured you said it. It was actually Suzspetals. Thanks for being my brain because clearly I don't have one.

    I agree that no one should comment about reproductive status (well, unless it's here or with loved ones who you won't stab). I have close friends and family who are trying everything in their power to have a baby and it must be so upsetting.

    And I've had people say really awful and fucking cruel shit to me because I am not trying.

    At the end of the day, it's nobody's business.

    Sorry, enough with the heavy. :)

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  39. I love it when obnoxious people get their comeuppance. At least l he had the grace to be chagrined.

    Asking about people's hair color is another no-no. Even if they show up with purple streaks and pink tips. You just never know...

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