Friday, April 8, 2011

To Hunt a Hacker: The Leaked Photos Edition

If you were around Twitter last night, you probably caught wind of the latest drama. I'm changing the names of some of the parties involved to help insulate this blog from unbridled douchebaggery litigious entities. Let's start at the top. Last week, some photos from a certain unreleased movie — let's call it Dreaking Bawn: The Bwilight Saga — were leaked by person or persons unknown. The pics spread like wildfire across the internet. The folks over at Twitter HQ almost had to call the social network's time of death. It was pandemonium. Pandemonium, I say!

Do I think it's right, morally or otherwise, to distribute someone else's intellectual property? Emphatically no. Do I think there is any way to get the jizz back in the peen? Also no. A classy organization would regroup and move on. More on that later.

Fast forward to last night. The company who produces Bwilight —let's call them Bummit — issued a tweet (more of an edict from their golden thrones lined with our money) asking for fans to turn in the people who distributed the photos.

@Bwilight: Have you seen any leaked materials from DREAKING BAWN? Let Bummit know by e-mailing the links to

I foolishly assumed this was a joke. They really want us to send some sacrificial lambs outside the village gates to appease the Bwilight Vengeance Gods? Surely you jest. Why do I have to track down their hackers? Don't they have the most fearsome vampire tracker on their payrolls? Bet they wish they hadn't killed him off in the first movie now.

Track that, bitch.

I theorized last night on Twitter that a Mr. Mike Hawk might be the responsible party. He is always up to no good. Several people were quick to point out that Mike Hunt was likely involved as those two tend to travel together. There is no end to the debauchery those two can get themselves into.

I mocked Bummit mercilessly last night. Then I had a change of heart this morning. It's really beneath me to ridicule someone so intellectually inferior. In light of that, I'd like to help Bummit round up the transgressors and punish them beyond the full extent of the law. Death is too good for these computer hackers / photo leakers. I spent hours hunting down the offending parties. Bummit, here are your prime suspects. Do with them what you will.

Chris Brown

Adolf Hitler

Dr. Evil

The Unabomber

Joseph Stalin


Charlie Sheen

Some random baby

Oh, and if Bummit's leak hunter e-mail address is suddenly flooded with porn and subscriptions to Mime Passions... it wasn't me. Blame Mike Hunt.


  1. Oh holy FUCK! Priceless I say. Priceless.

    Your assessment, sleuthing and results of your manhunt are simply BRILLIANT.

    Laughed out loud. *shakes head* Chris Brown, Hitler, Charlie Sheen, Renesmee...

    HAH HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Pretty sure this is one of the best posts, ever. :) Amen!

    Go fuck yourselves, Bummit!


    Fooorkspimp, who is too lazy to sign off her real life account just so stupid blogger won't publicize her RL identity among the masses. :) I've missed you hoors!

    WV: concens. It concens me that Scummit thinks they can start a witch hunt among Twihoors.

  3. Mike Hunt! Yes. Bwahahaha

    Tk, I cant wait to meet you in Forks in a few months , please tell me you are coming.

    I believe Chris Brown and Charlie Sheen are so responible for the hijacking of the Bummit photos.

    I saw the post on twitter in (between reading DILF's Chris Weitz posts) and I thought it was a joke.
    Really, Bummit, Really?!

    (channel Seth Meyers and Amy Polher)

    v/w: sinnic - Not to be a sinnic but I think the drama was self created.

  4. @TigerKitten36--Yep, I'm coming. TWSS.

  5. My theory about ..oh just about everything is 'follow the money'..bumfuckmit is SO afraid that leaked photos may cause them to lose 5 cents that they've lost their minds.

    Yeah..i saw the photos...the quality was pretty shitty. I shrugged and thought.. 'the finished product will be SOOO much better than this'. But ya know what? I'm kinda pissy that i have to wait an ENTIRE YEAR between parts 1 and 2....they are filming them at the same time! WTF? I guess they wouldn't be able to sell enough Merchandise in only 6 months if part 2 was released in say May or June instead of waiting an ENTIRE YEAR! Stupid Summit should be working on finishing the damn movies instead of wasting time with a lame witch hunt.

    I'm going to tweet them that the culprit(s) are obviously envious of sparkly peen. (I suspect Corey Feldman).

  6. what scares me? that there are people who consider themselves "good little Twi fans" who will start turning random people in to BUMMIT fuckers.

  7. As if they could get us to turn in the wonderful people who shared those pictures. Loved the "can't get the jizz back in the peen" comment. So true.

  8. "Can't put the jizz back in the peen" - bwahaha!! and no, they can't!

    So yeah "good Bwifans": turn in the people who posted the pics leaked from what must have been one of the most tightly-closed sets of the century! this would be like publicly flogging the loan officers at your local bank to punish them for the entirety of the mortgage meltdown.

  9. Um... Dear Scummit: We *ALL* saw the leaked photos. But no one knows *WHO* leaked them. We all saw them second-hand anyway -- and then we'd just be turning in other FANS who had nothing to do with the original leak. Do you not understand how the internet works??

    But seriously, what really worries/scares me is that there are IDIOTS out there actually "turning-in" other fans probably thinking they'll get a prize or something. I really hope the people who simply shared the pics don't get burned. I mean, for christ sake, Perez Hilton posted THEM ALL on his VERY PUBLIC website. Should i turn him in?


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  11. You forgot to mention the third party to the 2 suspects Mr. Mike Hawk and Mike Hunt...Buster Hymen.

    He always busts in first with the other 2 following...

    yeah tell me a certain studio didn't leak those photos.

  12. Argh. Spose now I have to change my twitter avi so that I don't get sent to Guantanamo. Please check out my new avi, in honor of "Bummit."

    LMAO at this post! Hilarious as always, TK.

  13. OMG this is soooooooooo freaking hilarious!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT

  14. Boy that Charlie Sheen guy is really getting himself into all kinds of trouble lately.


  15. Where was I last night *blink blink* How did I miss all the douchbauchery? Awww ..I miss all the fun..good thing I got your post to PMSL...My tumblr is clean...CLEAN I tell you...It may at one point have had said leakages spewed upon it's pages...but I have no idea where or even HOW they magically appeared..Me thinks it was a sparklepeen monster...TK..awesome ...fantabulous post..

  16. SNORTING WITH LAUGHTER OVER HERE..... seriously, they need to take a fucking chill pill. We are talking about pictures...and a 13 second video that makes my vag clamp repeatedly in delight,(yours did too, don't even try and deny it) not state secrets.

  17. Whitley ( 9, 2011 at 1:11 AM

    Love this post! I have gotten a C&D letter sent to Twilog from Bummit before long ago for something I've already forgotten. Probably the Eclipse leg hitch leaks. Meh. I took them down, and all was well. That's why all this tenacity now is surprising me. I think it was due to the amount of pics that leaked, and that it was from diff scenes? Who knows. I'm just surprised that they are resorting to this.

  18. For fuck's sake.

    Arseholes. Hey Bummit, you're making eleventy bazillion dollars outta us, remember?

    Fucking chill. Like we're gonna nark on someone. Jeebus.

    TK - how the fuck do you come up with this stuff? You're a comic genious! Mike Hunt.... heehehe.

  19. LMFAO! I suspect Renesmee and Charlie Sheen were in it together. They're some shady characters. Just sayin.

    I seriously cannot fucking believe Bummit. They're just absolutely ridiculous money whores.

    "Can't put the jizz back in the peen." Seriously the BEST analogy EVER. Great post TK! xoxo

  20. Awesome post, TK. Bummit is losing their mind over Thrustgate. Maybe they should call Woodward and Bernstein to find a sparkle peen Deep Throat.

    I'm sure Bummit appreciates your list of possible suspects and will be investigating. Dr. Evil, The Unibomber! Some random baby...they all have motives. Don't be surprised though if Bummit asks you to supply photos of Mike Hunt, Mike Hawk, and now Buster Hymen (LOL).

    I'm confident that they are now signed up for some very interesting websites.

  21. Hey it was my ex-husband!I am going to report him...are they doing anal cavity searches??!?!?!?!? I sure hope so.

  22. @Freaky Bella - I'm with you. Scummit clearly does not understand how the internet works.

    @STY - It's really shocking that someone was THAT good at hacking to get those pics. Especially since the BD filming was more locked down than a nun's vagina.

    I still think Scummit leaked the damn pictures themselves, freaked out when it got totally out of hand and decided they could make even more money than they already by suing the pants off of a bunch of Twilight fans and bloggers.

  23. THIS!

    Loved the list of possible suspects! And dammit I love that picture of Renesmee. It really shows off her winning (duh!) smile.

    Am I the only one who spent any time over at Mime Passions? ...Yes? Well I just wanted to let you know that my shit was officially cracked up when I saw that Twitarded is the most recent trackback on the website, and also the only website on that list that is not another freaky passion site. Including (but not limited to) Pirate Passions, Trek Passions, Trucker Passions, and my personal fave, Mullet Passions. FTMFW.

    I can't fucking believe Forkspimp AND Toefunny were back on the blog and I missed it. I call bullshit.

  24. @AJCarey258 - I agree! Charlie Sheen and Renesmee are in cahoots!

    Actually, I think I just read that Charlie Sheen had imprinted on Renesmee...

    Awesome post TK... I'll bring you a nail file filled cake when you go to prison.

  25. Summit are a bunch of butt pirates... wait that gives butt pirates a bad name, shame on me.

    I may or may not have emailed the pics and thrustward video around and if Summit wants to come after me... they can wait their turn raping me of my money. Aunt Sallie (the bitch that's in charge of my student loans) is at the front of the line... so queue it up bitches!

    It's not like we won't see the movie bc of the leaked photos and shit. Calm the fuck down Summit, you're still getting eleventy bazillion dollars (TwiKiwi50 sooo funny).

  26. So fucking hilarious. "Can't get the jizz back in the peen"....I will be using that sentence at the first opportunity.

  27. Hey, if they find this person... do you think they'll publish their name so we can send a fruit basket. I at least want to send a thank you card because that was the best gift we've gotten in a LONG time.

  28. $cummit can go fuck themselves. Thanks for the beer-snorting giggle!

  29. Lmfao!!!!!! Luv that you put Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen & Renesme in with Adolf! Srsly laughing out loud in line for nachos @ a monster truck show.

  30. LMFAO!!!!

    You had me at ..Renesmee!

  31. I was laughing so hard I was crying! Great post! And @likeitlemony, from here on out I will now refer to the leaked photos and video as "Thrustgate", LOL!

  32. LMAO! Best post of the year! If they wouldn't have made us wait a year and a half between Eclipse and Breaaking Dawn 1 and then another year until Breaking Dawn 2, doubt it would have happened. I still think it was an inside job. Let Summit remember that Twilight that this little tiny film that many of us went to see muptiple times to get them where they are today. Nobody better piss me off, or I'm turning you in,LOL Don't they know Twihoors stick together?

  33. BAH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Love those suspects!!

  34. This post needs to go in the Best of Twitarded category. I cackled until I nearly pissed myself.

  35. I think Scummit asking fans to turn in the good people who posted them on their blogs is just a freaking joke. And the horrible SUCK UPS that turned in all those lovely bloggers pissed me off even more! They're probably a bunch of nerdy teenagers who have no life and have nothing better to do than kiss ass to Scummit and hope that somehow Scummit cares about them or will acknowledge them in return. But they don't. Scummit only want their babysitting money.

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  37. You had me at, "Do I think there is any way to get the jizz back in the peen?"

    Oh holy jesus I laughed so hard when i read that line that I woke the baby up.

    I tried to recover, but then scrolled down and saw Renesemee, and that, my dear TexasKatherine, is fucking WIN. Srsly. Make a fucking t-shirt with that on the back and Twitarded on the front. THat bitch will sell like hotcakes and fund your trip to FOOOOOORKS! :)

  38. Omg your Renesme pic literally had me laughing 'til I cried. You are one funny biatch!


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