Friday, April 15, 2011

Water for Elephants Premiere. Wine for this Sad Panda

As pretty much everyone knows at this point, this is weekend is the great big shabang premiere of Water for Elephants (lesser known title - "Waiting for Breaking Dawn") in the Big Apple. Hundreds of fucking insane fans will be flocking to New York City to crash the red carpet extravaganza. In fact, I'm pretty sure I saw even more special-ops dudes with the really big I'll-blow-your-head-clean-off guns at Penn Station than usual today. I guess they caught wind that Latchkey Wife and Double Dippin' are taking the train in. [Note from LKW: Jokes on them... we'll be arriving at Grand Central.]

I know she looks cute, troops. But the shit that comes out of LKW's mouth is deadly...

I don't really know what going to a red carpet event entails and at this point, I'm not going to bother to find out because... I'm not going.

Hold on, I need to take another sip of despair and jealousy.

{{Stomps foot}} This is so unfair! I go into the city nearly every goddamned day and one of the few times I actually want to... I can't. In the brief moments when I'm not completely consumed by my envy that all of you will be bewb-squishing and tackle-hugging and all that shit, I'm actually really happy for you.

This. Times 10000000...

The rest of the time I just hope it rains like a motherfucker. I kid! Sort of.

The reason I am unable to attend these festivities is actually a pretty great reason in my book -- I'm going to Choodles' bachelorette party this weekend. The only downside to this outing is it's in Atlantic City. On Saturday night. And we're staying overnight. I'd rather light a hundred dollar bill on fire and throw it into an angry crowd then endlessly feed the Machine of False Hope (aka, slots) quarters until my fingers turn black.

Also? The last time I went to Atlantic City with Choodles, there was so much fuckery that happened that we're still talking about it. And I almost got arrested. Apparently you're not allowed to pass out on the beach in a fancy dress, sans shoes, clutching a gigantic bucket of quarters.

And that trip was twelve years ago.

Me and Choodles, circa 1999?

Honestly, there was a long period of time where I knew there was a very good chance I'd wake up somewhere strange with my shoes missing every time I hung out with Choodles. Now that she's getting married, you'd think this period would be over and we'd move on. I doubt it.

Case in point. The other day, Choodles and I were chatting about that infamous trip:
From: Choodles
To: Jenny Jerkface

Re: Atlantic City

I also remember that you hit the jackpot at the slots. We split up and when you and the blond finally found us, you were barefoot, carrying buckets of quarters and your hands were BLACK from handling all the quarters.
See? It's all Choodles' fault. I never lose my shoes when I'm with Snarkier Than You. Only my glasses.

Anyway, I truly hope you all have a fantastic fucking time this weekend!! Please give extra hugs and kisses for me.

Oh, and Rob? If you see ANYONE wearing this shirt... RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!


P.S. - If there is a freak snowstorm tomorrow, it has nothing to do with me praying to archaic gods or anything. I swear.

P.P.S. - Be Safe.

13 comments:

  1. I haven't finished reading this yet...but we both used the word "Shabang" or "Shebang" on our posts this evening. Um.....cue the Twilight ZONE music.

    Off to ready it.

    w/v chizzle..hmm..

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  3. Awww sorry you can't go! I can't wait to hear about it from everyone though. I think it's neat that so many girls from the midwest and east coast are finally getting their chance to breath the air of the PRECIOUS.


    Maybe you'll a jackpot to make up for it. Just sayin'...

    xo J

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  4. Then again, there's the slight chance you will get so shitfaced that you end up 'loosing' Choodles and gain a naked Robert Pattinson locked in the trunk of your car. Like the Hangover, only with more vagina.

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  5. bummed you can't be there. i'm flying in from Michigan cause i'm crazy like that. ;)

    so happy to meet some of these gals in person.

    i'll have a drink (or 12) for you.

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  6. Okay, Im mad jealous too. I cant go to NYC and see the pretty and met up with you H00rs. Hubby had a tooth pulled yesterday and hes not feeling well. So to leave him in his time of need would be ...well..sad. I AM however gonna see you guys when I go to Foorrrks in September. So I have that to look forward too and having you tell me stories of your adventures in NYC.

    Please do not tell the hubby about the bewb-squishing as hes already picturing the the trouble I could get into in Forks ( Who? Me?)

    I will just be here in FL basking in the sunshine and 90 degree weather while sitting in my jealous rage, drinking.

    If Tai is at the Premiere dont forget to bring peppermints for her. (Team Rosie)

    ----->Like the Hangover, only with more vagina. Bwhahahahaha

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  7. On the plus side,no more quarter buckets in AC. Unfortunately AC still sucks. Take a jjitney for a bus to the Port Authority at your earliest convenience. I'm betting the Precious will be at St Pat's for Palm Sunday Mass for the premiere pre-game. Dress appropriately.

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  8. To all that are attending the premiere, have a wonderful time! Can't wait to hear all about it. I can't go either. :( Just spent a week at my parents - Dad just got out of the hospital.

    @JJ - good luck and have a great time! BTW- Love the pic of you and Choodles! You look maaaarvelous!

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  9. @JJ - I'm also really bummed that I can't go and my co-blogger Kassie is going and I am missing out on meeting all these amazing chicks, but maybe....just maybe...the Pretay will need to get away from NY and decide to give Atlantic City a try, say.....Saturday night? You never know! :) I may or may not be praying for rain/snow with you. I kid....I KID! LOL

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  10. Plus side = no more quarters but watch out for papercuts from the vouchers ;)

    You will have a great time with Choodles and we will see you in Forks :)

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  11. I can't make it either. Have a great time ladies. Can't wait to read about it!

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  12. Plus side = no more quarters but watch out for papercuts from the vouchers ;)

    You will have a great time with Choodles and we will see you in Forks :)

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  13. bummed you can't be there. i'm flying in from Michigan cause i'm crazy like that. ;)

    so happy to meet some of these gals in person.

    i'll have a drink (or 12) for you.

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