Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What Happened to the Characters Twilight Killed?

Whenever I watch a movie and one of the characters gets killed off, I think, "Well. Damn. I hope that actor socked away some cash for a rainy day." Unless of course the movie is Titanic, in which case I am laughing so hard I pull a muscle in my abs.

It was sometime last week (or month, maybe—I view time like a vampire) that @AustinMamaDrama tweeted me to say Bryce Dallas Howard was the new face of the kate spade spring 2011 campaign. Interesting. I hadn't put much thought into what all the actors were doing who clearly wouldn't make it to the Breaking Dawn set.

Huh. I would have pegged the undead for a winter, but she can rock the spring colors.

What about the rest of that wacky crew who can boast to their grandchildren that they were briefly in a movie with THE Robert Pattinson? What kind of street cred to you get from putting Twilight on your resumé? I think it's safe to say... almost none.

Xavier Samuel aka Riley

A Few Best Men? I don't think I can handle the truth of this script.

Ned Bellamy aka Waylon Forge aka Buttcrack Santa

I've actually heard of a few of these shows. That's saying something since I have no clue what plays on the talking box.

Edi Gathegi aka Laurent

They're making another X-Men movie? When did this become the new Rocky?

Cam Gigandet aka James

He gets a pass on all the rubbish on this screen because he was in Easy A. I loved that movie.

Jack Huston aka Royce King

Why is he in so many movies with misspelled titles?

Jodelle Ferland aka Bree Tanner

Two words: Ice Quake?

Ok, most of these actors are actually working and not wishing they'd finished their accounting degree like their parents begged them to do. Some of the actors have not been as lucky.

Mariel Belanger aka The Third Wife

Damn. The Third Wife gets no love. Can this poor woman land a role with an actual character name, please?

The saddest story belongs to Twilight's first victim... Sadly, she has been unable to find work in the more traditional cinematic films and has been forced into a more... adult genre.

The Deer Hunter: Poly Edition


  1. Equal parts awesome and depressing. I can't wait for 20 years from now when I see one of these dead characters on Law & Order Paralegals or CSI Fargo and say "OMG, It's that guy!!" and it takes me a minute or 3 to remember where I saw them. Poor kids. In these economic times, it's hard to find shitty television work.

    "A Few Best Men? I don't think I can handle the truth of this script." BWAHAHAHAHA!!! I hope I'm not the only one to appreciate the wit you put into your captions...

  2. @lindsay rae - oh you're not the only one bb... : )

  3. So are you saying that Robward didn't really kill that deer in the opening shot of Twilight? But I thought Cathy Hardwicke said– Shit, now I'm concerned about other possible scams in the series. I hope the Hunger Games isn't plagued with this kind of deceit. *sigh*

  4. LMAO! That last pic is priceless.

    We saw BDH at the Eclipse Convention & she was awesome. So beautiful in person & soooo sweet. Loved her......but not as Victoria. She tried though. Gotta give the girl credit.

    xo J

  5. I saw Laurent (what's his real name again) in Atlas Shrugged. Poor guy can't catch a break on playing the black guy who wasn't really black in the book. He was good though.

  6. LOL at the deer one! You forgot the most important kill-off of all: that kid vampire Jasper beheads back in the civil war, who may or may not be McLovin.

  7. Some of the movies they've done sound porn-like. TWYLIGHT ZONES?????

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  9. See...it happened again....coffee all over the laptop! That last photo is hilarious. Ya know as I watched Eclipse I was sad when I realized that we'd have no more Riley....he was pretty easy on the eyes... A Few Best Men....really. Let`s hope Mr. Pattinson fares better.

  10. Your captions always make me laugh until I fart. And that last picture fucking slayed me.

  11. @Papercut Definiley sad to not see Xavier in another movie.

    Hopefully all the main people from these movies will have good careers after this. If not I hope they know how to make their millions last. I think Rob will be sticking around for a long time to come.

  12. I have followed Cam (even watching The Unborn twice just to see him) but none of the others, so the post was extremely useful for we random losers who can't get enough of any of it, EVER. Many thanks.

    Speaking of those killed off, what about deaths on the set?? Didn't Catherine Hardwicke say on the Twilight commentary that the deer we see grazing in the little glen actually dropped dead and had to be replaced with another deer for the chase/catch part?

    And then there are the actors who didn't get killed off so much as fucked over--by which I mean the divine Rachelle (who along, with Cam's James, was the only actually scary thing in the whole series so far). Too bad Off the Map sucks/sucked...but it was primetime so she got good exposure (those Lifetime movies don't really count)

  13. I would gladly take a one entry title under my name on IMDB if it meant I was in Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn 1 or Breaking Dawn 2 ;)

    The deer part had me almost getting in trouble with my boss for laughing. Darn you *shakes fist* soooo funny

  14. @fezfactiry- Yes! I totally saw Mike Newton the murderer and my ensuing surprised shriek was enough to make the cranky old woman in the apartment next door bang on the wall... I had a hard time believing him in the role because of my twi-obsession though.

  15. If I never worked again I might still be happy to have once been in the presence of Him.

  16. the deer, oh my! Hardcore laughing my ass off over here!

  17. Okay, seriously dying over here. That deer picture/caption... I'm laughing so hard I had to explain to the hubs what the hell I was laughing at. LOVE IT!

    Great post, TK!


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