Sunday, June 12, 2011

A Breaking Dawn Rant

Since the Breaking Dawn trailer debuted, I have heard nothing but "ZOMG! SQUEEEE! HEADBOARD!" from women around the world. I am not among those women. That fucking scene has ruined my life. And not in a good way. This is a story that started over a decade ago.

[Insert trippy flashback music]

Mr. TK and I were bumming around some funky little shops on a lazy Saturday. We happened upon the coolest canopy bed ever. We weren't in the market for a new bed, but it was so unique we agreed that it needed to be purchased. Immediately. The bed was handcrafted in Sri Lanka, or some other place I can't locate on a map. It took a few months to arrive since it had to be hewn out of the local trees and shipped over. Meanwhile, Mr. TK and I decided our old bed was the biggest piece of shit ever and the yet to arrive bed would cure cancer, potty train our cats and make us dinner every night.

Delivery day finally arrived. The first thing that became clear is this motherfucker was BIG. It looked much smaller in the store. This over eight-foot tall bastard has dictated where we can live ever since its arrival. The next thing that became clear is that people who are not two burly men and/or handy with putting things together should always buy furniture from The Room Store like normal folks. The next sobering truth that unfolded was that this beast was held together with only two bolts. Two. The whole thing kind of snaps together and the giant wood canopy part that hovers above my face is held on with two bolts. I was then handed a photo of the happy children and old men who built our bed. I can't make up this shit. I believe forced labor can build a pyramid that can stand the test of time, but I'm not so sure about a bed.

Silly dog, you need tiny opposable thumbs to create the perfect dovetail joint.

The LEGO bed was assembled and we were left to stare at it with our photo of the pediatric and geriatric crafters. That was the night I added to my list of bone-chilling terrors: snakes, stepping on something sticky with my bare feet, germs...and this damn bed crashing down on me in my sleep.

Over the years, I'd convinced myself it was impossible for this bed to collapse and crush my ribcage while I slumbered. When I read Breaking Dawn, I pictured the honeymoon bed to look very IKEA-ish with simple lines, etc. You know, not at all like the bed I fear will kill me eventually. I also was under the impression Edward just left huge divots in the headboard from his fierce lovemaking. That brings us up to the Breaking Dawn trailer release date. The last thing I expected to see was a bed that looked eerily like mine crashing down and undoubtedly killing Bella while she was polishing Edward's love stick.

Seconds before my Bella's bloody death.

That's when the nightmares started. Mr. TK can not get enough of me punching him in the face while flailing at 3 A.M. I've had nightmares about this fucking headboard scene (no pun intended) every single night since I saw the trailer. This goddamned teen movie has turned into Saw VII for me. I hate you, Summit. I hate you with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.

You're impossibly fast. Your skin is pale white and ice cold...

I've waited years to see these two characters pork the shit out of each other, and now you've filmed it inside my nightmares. Thanks a whole damn lot. If Bella steps on something sticky at any point during the movie, I am walking out of the theater.


  1. Dude get a new bed ASAP. Problem solved. You don't see me sleeping in the ocean every night when I'm terrified of sharks.

  2. Woah. I'm with Jaime. Get your ass a new bed super stat. If only to keep the police off your back. Mr TK can only go to work with two black eyes so many times before a concerned coworker calls the proper authorities.

    PS the Saw caption made me laugh. A lot. I believe a movie mash-up must become a reality. I could see Bella with a bear trap on her leg...

  3. Maybe your bed isn't as scary of a death trap as you might think, just view it for it's um *ahem* sturdier attributes.. fun times at the TK house! Think about it... it took being pummeled by a super strong vampire that is in the throes of his first O to make it fall down... his first EVER in 108 (by the time they get married he's a year older, right?) YEARS. I just hope for your and Mr TK's sake that I'm right and your bed won't fall down. Seriously only 2 bolts!?!

    If the Saw guy shows up during BD I will be walking out ;)

  4. Holy headboards batman!! I couldn't live with a bed that caused nightmares...You need to have a shaman come bless your bed stat!! Poor Mr.TK..his love nest is tumultuous..Get a new bed!..or, stand in front of your bed, close one eye,blink the other 5 times,clapp your hands 3 times, turn to the left,turn to the right..and.....spirit fingers. and that'll cure your bad dreams..

    ps..I know your thinking about it.

    good luck

  5. Oh, TK!! How sad that your bed has taken the joy out of what is sure to be one of the MOST SATISFYING MOVIE SCENES IN THE HISTORY OF MODERN MOVIES (and if it's not, Summit, so help me God...)!! I'm with the others. Get a new bed. Or better yet, just a frame. That way, no beds can really be "ruined" for you in Breaking Dawn II, because you know they have some other kind of bed that will fall apart in that movie.

    I love that my word verification is relxbill. Mr. TK's name isn't Bill, is it? If it is, I think it's a sign that the bed must go.

  6. No way. See, Scummitt got it wrong. You're in the clear and here's why. The headboard Edward broke in the book was wrought iron - in the other bedroom. In the "big bed" in the master bedroom, he only attacked the pillows. So this just proves that giant canopy beds can even withstand the force of Edward's cherry!

    Sleep well, TK. It's all good.

  7. TK, it appears you and I bought the same damn bed. I don't know your reason for keeping it but mine is that I can't bring myself to trash it or sell it for $50 in a garage sale. It would feel like burning cash. That said, I decided long ago that that damn bed is gonna come down around me before I get rid of it, hence, that trailer just seems a great way to get rid of it.

    Sweet dreams!

  8. It's just wrong that you are terrorized by that scene. After all this time waiting to see Edward get "his love stick polished" as you so eloquently put it. Just another bullshit addition in the movie that doesn't add anything. They could have put that in BD 2 when Bella is less breakable and it wold have been funny. But no, we can't have too much humor in this uber serious movie now can we! (rant over now, sorry)

    Can't you hire a carpenter to look it over and ensure it is structurally sound? That has to be subliminally ruining your sleep.

  9. Just have the hubby add some more hardware to key areas of the bed. Good. To. Go. I mean I am sure you guys know, *ahem* "get it on" in that bed. It can't be that unstable. LOL!

    I am so excited to see this movie!!!


  10. I just want to know what happens after the whole canopy comes crashing down? because that's no fun, even during hot vampire sex. Um, or so I'd imagine...

  11. @STY - If I'm getting hot vampire sex, I think the whole house could come crashing down on me and I wouldn't mind.

    And TK... this could only happen to you, my sweets! Only you...

  12. @LKW - I agree COMPLETELY!! If I was getting hot vampire sex (especially form RPatz) I wouldn't notice ANYTHING. ;-)

  13. I'm with LKW... This could only happen to you!

    And I'm sorry, Edward would have to be a complete dud in the sack for me to notice anything less than an Atomic Bomb detonating, a Cat 5 hurricane, F 5 tornado, and a 10.0 earthquake occurring at the same time. Just saying...
    It's vampire sex, with Edward/RPatz!!!

  14. I bet Bella will step on something sticky after they do it...if you know what I mean....giggle...snort.
    Also, it appears to be a window frame & curtains in this scene, not a bed, so rest easy. Unless you start having nightmares about the curtains coming down on you.


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