At first I was confused because I didn’t understand a) why there was a bat in the house, since neither of us play baseball and b) why ML looked so fucking forlorn about it.
It was only when I saw him walk by again, this time armed with a Mag-lite, did I realize it wasn’t a baseball bat. It was a bat bat. The potentially-rabies-carrying-furry-flying-mouse-of-death kind of bat.
This was unpleasant news, far more unpleasant than the time ML came upstairs to tell me there was a cat in our kitchen.
We don’t own a cat.
A few minutes later, ML ventured back upstairs with an even sadder expression on his face and said, “it’s definitely a bat.”
Click to enlarge if you feel inclined...
“What do we do about this?” I asked calmly. Immediately, ML and I went into planning mode, which was basically us staring at each other blankly and hoping the other would say, “don’t YOU worry about it! I’ll take care of it!!”
When that didn’t happen, we went downstairs and stared blankly at the bat for awhile. My first thought was, “huh, he’s actually kind of cute.”
This opinion did not last long. At all.
Excuse the crappy photo but I was standing on a ladder with my face 12 inches away from a bat. I wasn't interested in aesthetics at the time.
In the end, we did what most people would do when they have a wild animal taking a nap in their house – we Googled how to get it the fuck out. After trolling through various forums/websites/retarded shit and reading horror stories of bats flying into people’s faces or eating babies, we decided to approach it the same way we would a spider – Tupperware and a piece of cardboard. We donned our winter clothes and gloves and other articles of clothing that we hoped would keep the bat from biting us, got a step-ladder and went to work.
True fact #1 – Bats get really pissed off when you poke them with cardboard. And when bats get pissed off, they try to bite you.
True fact #2 – Bats have a shitload of razor sharp teeth and will not hesitate to show you them. Or use them.
True fact #3 – Using a piece of cardboard to scoop a bat into a Tupperware container does not work. All it does is infuriate the little flying creature and make him want to kill you and possibly eat your face.
After our first few failed attempts, we briefly discussed saying fuck it and calling animal control but that idea went out the window when we realized we would have to pay someone to catch it for us. We figured a round of rabies shots would be cheaper.
For the next hour and forty minutes, ML and I sweltered in our winter coats and gloves as we tried various maneuvers to remove our unwanted house guest. Each one failed. Miserably. At one point, after the bat emitted some kind of horrifying alien sound and once again attempted to chew ML’s fingers off while I was dancing around behind him with a sheet in case it decided to take flight (the idea being I would fling the sheet over the bat as it raced towards me, rather than scream like a little fucking girl and run away), ML climbed down from the ladder, looked at me and said in a pitiful voice, “I’m a wuss and I don’t want to do this anymore.”
True fact #4 – I was feeling pretty wussy, too, but made fun of ML anyway.
Our guest wasn't this big. But it kind of felt like it was... Also, I would have just moved out if I found this thing in my house.
True fact #5 – It is no easier to coax a bat into a pillowcase with a stick than it is to get him into Tupperware with a piece of cardboard. It also pisses the bat off when you poke it with a stick. It will try to bite you.
True fact #6 – If a bat does not want to fly from its hiding spot… it won’t. It doesn’t matter much you beg and plead with it – it will just stare at you challengingly. And the bat will be furious if you try to force it to fly. It will try to bite you.
Eventually, after much cursing and shrieking (cursing from us, shrieking from the fucking bat), I came up with the master plan. The bat was chilling out on our roller blind and I finally realized that if we open the blind, it would force the bat forward and we could ambush it. ML stood on the step ladder once again with Tupperware and cardboard at the ready as I started to open the blind.
True fact #7 – Bats will TOTALLY HULK THE FUCK OUT and suddenly grow to about ten times their original size when it realizes the humans are about to win. It will then start screaming the scary alien sound and try to fly, claw at your eyes, bite the fuck out of you AND shit all over your really expensive blinds all at the same time.
In the end, our perseverance paid off and the little fucker fell from the blinds and tumbled (rather angrily, judging by the screaming and scrabbling around) into a Tupperware container. There was a brief moment of feeling like a total hardcore badass before ML realized the bat was about to escape its confines and ran to the backyard to release it, where it presumably flew off to get reinforcements and
plan a full scale attack on us.
I'm going to say it wasn't happy about finding itself in a Glad Tupperware container. Perhaps it was partial to Snapware
We can only assume that the bat got in through our chimney because the other possibility is way too fucking horrifying to consider – that it (and a host of its unholy minions) are possibly living in our attic.
Neither ML nor I want to stick our head in the crawlspace to find out. The only upside is we’re getting work done our roof soon and the workers are going to have to go into attic.
We’ll let them figure it out for us.