Monday, August 22, 2011

Snarky vs. The Spider

I don't sleep well. Or fall asleep well. Usually. I'm tired a lot, but when it's actually time to go to bed (which for me is usually some time around midnight), it's like my brain gets a second wind and decides my body should pull an all-nighter. I try my best to relax and not do anything to get myself all amped up late at night. The success rate of this strategy is about as consistent as Edward's moods.

Clowns...evil people at work...spiders...

Sunday nights are the worst. It's like I get the Pre-Mondays. I realize it's ridiculous to start getting wonky about the workweek while it's still technically weekend-time, but I can't help myself. Last Sunday night was no exception... I'm generally anxious by Sunday night, especially when I know that the week ahead is going to treat me like the Volturi with a score to settle - there will be lots of gnashy-metal noises, pain, fire, and general unpleasantness.

So late last this past Sunday night, I'm trying my damnedest to be all zen-like and not let things get to me. I was in the bathroom and I'd already washed my face and brushed my teeth and was ready to get into bed and do battle with my brain and its nasty of going into overdrive the second my head hits the pillow. Favorite can't-sleep subjects: really disturbing news stories; financial woes; shit I forgot to do; what am I doing with my life?; the fact that I can't sleep...

Almost as an afterthought, I decide to move the scale out a little bit from the clothes I'd just tossed on it. Because I needed to remind myself to step on that thing in the morning; it was long overdue. Anyway, I reach down and push the scale forward a couple of inches and HOLYFUCKINGSHIT THAT IS THE BIGGEST SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIIIIIIIFE!!! Which is clearly about to be over. I mean my life. Because this spider it THAT huge. Also, it looks hungry. So I do what most people do when they find themselves locked in the bathroom - naked - with a ginormous, hungry-looking spider: I screamed my bloody head off.

 Ladies (and random gents), I don't normally get worked up over spiders. I am the slayer of insects, spiders, and the like in my house. Well, "catcher" would be a more accurate title, since we try to practice "catch & release" on anything not posing an  imminent threat to our well-being (mosquitoes, stingy-things that aren't willing to be caught on the first try). But regardless, I usually don't lose my shit at the sight of creepy crawlies. Sure, I check my bed for critters every night before I shut off the lights, but only because I'm already sharing enough of the bed with Mr. Snarky.

So were was I? Oh yeah - naked, not sleepy at ALL, shrieking in the bathroom. I grab a clear plastic cup, consider just smushing the spider, remember I am barefoot, and slam the cup down over the behemoth. I grab a card and start sliding it under the cup. The spider isn't moving. Is it dead? Dying? Did I scare it do death? I keep slowly nudging the card under the cup, and it starts to curl into that "I'm dying" spider fetal ball. Nudge. Nudge. Nud...OHMYGOD IT'S SO NOT DEAD!!! I swear that halfway through my nudging, the spider realizes I'm not falling for the playing dead thing, unfurls itself, LEAPS up and launches itself across the cup and in the general direction of my head. I'm pretty sure it made an audible "thump" as it hit the plastic. I'm also pretty sure it was trying to eat my face off. It's possible I yelped a little.

I reinforced the card under the cup with another card. And then a piece of cardboard. Because if that thing escaped, we'd have to pack up our things and go spend the night in a hotel before returning with flame-throwers the next day. I left it in the bathroom while I went and unlocked doors and windows to give myself an obstacle-free path to an open spider-ejecting portal. After rescuing one card (there was one in the mix from Dangrdafne!), I picked up the rest of the pile, and the cardboard, ran to the window (carefully! no tripping!), and hurled the whole shebang out into the night. If it hasn't been past midnight, I would have done what I usually do with the REALLY creepy, scary things that I catch: walked it to the edge of my property and tossed it into the neighbor's lawn in the hopes that when it looks for the next home to invade, it won't be mine.

 Ooooor under my bathroom scale. I think it's a sign I should throw that thing out.

It took every bit of willpower I have (and Myg's brain-calming eye trick) to settle down enough to nod off an hour later. Damn you, spider! I think I need a go-to-sleep mantra... Or some extra-strength chamomile tea... I'd head straight for the RX stuff but I'm afraid I'd wake up twelve hours later to find out that I spent the night driving around eating peanut butter and anchovy sandwiches and doing donuts in some random parking lot (seriously, if you ever want to be entertained and scared shitless at the same time, go read a forum where people talk about the weird things they've done - unknowingly - while in an Ambien haze).

I need some help! Well, I need help on a lot of fronts, but in this particular instance, I'll settle for some tips on how to decompress after a hard fought, midnight battle with a very hungry arachnid. Barring that, feel free to entertain me with your own war stories in the comments! If I'm going to be up, I might as well be snorteling at the laptop...


  1. EOAPFJDKJKICLSL!!! I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep after reading that! And I'm pretty sure I'll never use a scale again. You are a better person than I am--I would have probably used the scale to crush that monster, not caring if the it broke in the process. BLECH!

  2. Thank you for not putting any pics of spiders on the blog! I absolutely hate them and are frigging afraid of them, like shaking just thinking about them.

    Another reason I'm so OCD about not putting piles of clothes on the floor ~ perfect spider hiding places.

    STY - 1 Spider - 0

  3. I used to work in a sleep clinic and we had to suggest G rated tips for falling asleep so we could get clean first night results before we mixed narco-cocktails. I used to ask people what they normally did to fall asleep- Even 70+ year old women said they diddled the skittle...Seriously.

    Some others were meditative therapy like picture your feet walking on the beach and be as descriptive as possible, toes curling into sand, waves...blah, blah, blah.

    This works as long as you focus and don't let the little shit in, like the way your boss slurps her coffee and hums while digging earwax from her ear with the arm of your pen cap during the morning meeting.

  4. @VLovesElvis - I have to admit I may be too scarred to step on the scale again. It now has major "spider association" heebie-jeebies attached to it. Frankly, everything is suspect at this point. That spider ruined me!

    @Unknown - You have no IDEA how many spider pictures I looked at to find these! i had so many pics that I DIDN'T use that I was actually surprised to read that I hadn't actually included any of the spider-y pics - lol... But it's for the best - I don't want to look at them either. Also, neither of us should ever to Australia, Iraq, or South America. Trust me.

    @Nifer - I have my "go to" things - mentally going through my closet and figuring out something to wear to work the next day, breathing slowly and counting, all that - but you're right, I should probably include some "other things" in my pre-sleep routine - lol... Totally doing myself a disservice there... Although clearly there will be no more skittle-diddling in my bathroom - ever again. : ) Also, on an unrelated topic, you are ridiculously cute! Love your sassy avi pic.

  5. I think I won't be the only one who is a little disappointed that you didn't take a pic of the offender. I want evidence. I need to see what kind of bastard threatened your life, so if ever I run across his relatives, I can show them the bottom of my shoe in your honor.

    Myg's brain-calming eye trick. God damned right. Shit works like a mother fucking charm. You know...just in case diddling my skittle doesn't work (THANKS @Nifer!! Best euphemism of the day!)

    I have never had a coconut spider in my house or anything (it's actually a crab, but those fuckers look DISGUSTING), but we have a family of racoons that hang out outside of our bedroom window on the fence line just to piss of my dog. We wake up around 4am every night to our dog pounding up onto our bed, and trying to fly through our window while the damn racoons just sit there and stare. ::grumble::

  6. What you need is a 1/2 ibuprofen with sleep aid. Puts you to sleep like you were zapped by some vamp glamour. Or a semi. Take your pick.

    I currently have a lizard living behind my toilet. He moved in sometime last night. I went to use the loo this morning, saw something quickly zig and zag across the wall, and decided to use the other loo. I couldn't see what it was because I am too afraid I will pick a shitty doctor who will either make me blind or give me a third eye if I decide to get Lazik done and I can't see a fucking thing until I get my contacts in.

    Anyhoo, didn't mention it to my husband. He went in, let out a little girly yelp and told me there was a lizard in the bathroom.

    We tried to catch him, to no avail. We will let him live in peace until he drowns in the toilet.

  7. I lived in Hawaii for a while and a local who lived near sugarcane fields told me about sugarcane spiders in the toilet. She told me they like to hide there and climb out when you open the lid and sit down.

    She totally could've been teasing with me since I was probably screaming like a baby just hearing about it, but I refuse to even Google it to see if it's true... just in case.

  8. @STY- Thanks, dollface. I've been working on my to catch a predator (Edward) look for a while now. ;)

  9. I kill the motherfuckers. That way I don't have to worry about them trying to sneak back for round two! If I'mtoo afraid of them to kill them, I flush the bastards into a watery grave. Why am I a murdering, cold-hearted bitch? If they're dead, you know where they are and you don' have to worry about ever seeing them again!

  10. What is Myg's calming eye trick? I'm curious just based on the name. Not that I need a ton of assistance falling asleep these days.

    For me, music takes the edge off of my brain when it goes into overdrive. I usually have music on when I'm having a crazy work day, which keeps me from going into frenzy mode, and it also does just enough to occupy my brain when I'm trying to fall asleep that it shuts off the million-miles-an-hour thoughts. Maybe try that? Just be sure not to strangle yourself with the headphones.

    Wine also works.

  11. You're right @Snarky, don't come to Australia, the spiders are huge! My husband & son both know when I scream "kill it" that they have to come & kill one. A few months ago my son broke my brand new mop wacking a big hairy fucker but at least he was dead. I'm with you @Ninja Twinerd, no catch & release for me, kill the motherfuckers! X

  12. First of all,@Nifer, this is why you should only use clicky pens. Caps are the devil.

    Now, my spider feelings: if it has a face, it has to go regardless of where it is. If it's small and stays out of my way, I'm ok with cohabitation.

    We have cicadas in our yard and often I'll go to leave in the morning and there is one on the screen door. Those things terrify me. They fly right at your head and have big red eyes. Ick.

    @STY, I can't sleep either. Mostly ever but it's always worse on Sunday nights. I was thinking about how I'm a lot like Edward that way. What do I need a bed for? Then I remembered that my husband is awesome and we'll find ways to continue using it.

    Happy Tuesday.

  13. Random fact of trivia. I read somewhere we swallow at least 8 spiders in our sleep a week or something.

    Now I sleep with something over my mouth at all times after reading that article!

  14. I would have stepped of the mofo so fast, I would be like a ninja.

    I hate spiders so much, almost as much as cockroaches. I grew up in Sydney, home of the funnel web. Dare you to google that little monster.

    Love your blog, :)

  15. Glad I vicariously helped you get rid of the arachnid.

    My story is similar except the spider ended up on me, between my boobs!!! I was working on a dude ranch and they had really big wolf spiders around. I had seen one in the bathroom but when I went back in that night it was gone/out of sight. I didn't even thing about the fact that I had my pjs in the bathroom folded up on the shelf. Well I thought about it once I put on my top and I felt something not pj like on my chest. I pulled away the top, looked in and I was mooned by the spider. I can easily say I have never screamed the way I did at that moment ever again. I was horrified. I am shaking right now just thinking about it. Urg

    As for sleep aids - I like relaxation CDs or my hypnotherapy therapist CDs. Talking to each part of your body telling it to go to sleep - starting at your pinky toe and naming each part of your body as you move up works for me too. I also say prayers and I don't usually make it to amen. Then I sometimes work through my day starting at the beginning and I rarely make it to lunch and I am sleeping. I am sure Google could offer many other techniques.

  16. @Colleen - I can't believe I actually googled that! When will I learn??!!

    I hate spiders. Especially the really big kind. As long as they stay outside I am pretty good though. @STY I don't blame you at all for being terrified of that scale now. I think that spider was totally trying to bite your face off just like in Arachnophobia.

    After I get off work I go to the barn & work my horses which destresses me. Then once I get home I read for about 2 hours & I fall asleep fast. Still only about 5-6 hours of sleep every night though. Huh.

    WV: remene - that is SO CLOSE to being Renesme.

  17. I've handed over the keys to my house to spider no bigger than a half dollar.

    I've also been trapped in the bathroom naked, armed only with shampoo bottles, and had to fight my way to the other side to retrieve my go to weapon, hairspray (slows 'em down). I think I broke two bottles of shampoo, wasted a $20 dollar bottle of hairspray, pulled the shower curtain off the rod, and tweaked the toilet seat lid on my way over to the bathroom counter. Pretty much looked like a war zone, but that damn-eight-legged-spawn-of-satan met his maker, courtesy of the toilet plunger. However, I had the heebie jeebies all day just knowing I was in that close proximity with the hairy bastard. It was tragic. I need therapy.

    I just can't deal with arachnids. Certifiable Arachnaphobia.

  18. Oh, I also stripped down in my grandparents front yard one time because I THOUGHT a spider crawled down the back of my shirt. Buck naked. It was a leaf. Good thing I was only 8. Lord knows it could happen today though.

  19. I'm not normally scared of insects, but I scream like a little bitch when anything jumps out at me.

  20. In general, I'm usually okay with spiders. I will say that where STY and I live there are these GIGANTIC fucking fat looking spiders that scare the bejeezus out of me. I'm assuming this was one of those.

    Also? That pie chart about time spent when you can't sleep SLAYED me.

  21. I feel that way about roaches & when I have to deal with them (meaning when Mr. Junkie is away), I have to repeat over & over again....IT'S JUST A BUG, IT'S JUST A BUG, IT CAN'T KILL ME, IT'S JUST A BUG. I do this all while killing said bug & having a mild panic attack.
    Then I sleep with the sheet over my head all night :)

  22. @DD - girl, that was a fucked up story. *I* was shaking reading it!! I'm glad you're okay!

    I fucking HATE spiders. I have a zero tolerance policy inside my home (or anyone else's), although when TH was still living here I would make him kill them. And I always flush the corpse. You know, JUST IN CASE.

    However, about a month ago, I came home and REALLY needed to go to the bathroom, and I ran into my downstairs bath, looked up at the ceiling and saw a HUGE motherfucker, turned tail and ran upstairs to the other bathroom so he wouldn't dive bomb me on the toilet (no way could I kill him first - I would have peed myself). I came back down to kill him after I was done and HE. WAS. GONE. I spent the whole night armed with my Swiffer stick (my preferred weapon due to its flat surface and lack of proximity to the damned). I never saw him again. SO hard to fall asleep that night.

  23. The worst experience I ever had with an insect was with a grasshopper. Normally you think "grasshopper? NBD. They live in grass and jump around. So what?" Well, I lived in Brisbane for 5 years, and these things like to hang out on the side of the road. They are big and dumb, and usually jump right towards you when you walk by them. One day I was walking past one that was hanging out on a fence, and it jumped on my leg, then CRAWLED UP MY SHORTS! All I could do was reach into my pocket and hold onto it so it wouldn't crawl any higher. For some unknown reason, of course, I had chosen that day to not wear underwear. It was a busy street, otherwise I would have dropped trow and brushed the thing off. All I could do was stop and push it back down my short's leg. I can't even imagine was people driving by must have been thinking. Freaked me the fuck out.

  24. I keep a shot gun in my closet for such occasions as yours.
    Hate. Spiders.

  25. i agree. i want to see this fucking monster. pics?

    i once had a run in with behemoth Jurassic survivor at camp pendleton (ca), i was drunk & lippin off to my sgt outside the barracks, being the only girl, i was the only one in flip flops & this fuck face decided to climb over MY bare toes. needless to say, i went from 1st deck east end, to 2nd deck west end in about 1 second. flat. screaming all the way, trying to get an NCO to get a pistol. by the time i got back down there, there was 15 grown ass marines, screaming like little girls trying to capture said monster. i got it on film, a my dickface windows comp ate it. fml. that was goood footage. i dont mind little creepers, but those jumpy big balls mofos that will chase u can kiss my pale white ass... seriously..

    on a side note. i do not sleep for fuck either. ever. i stay up all damn nite. and i stay home with an under 2 yr old toddler who could make the volturi cry. no shit. even jane. and i also have a 7 yr old son and since we live in bumfucknowhere... my hubby drives 120+ miles to work, and spends 4 days a week there, sooooo u can imagine, that caring for 2 kids, the house, food, laundry, school. etc etc, on no sleep, for 4 days a week, with no break, on NO sleep, sucks harder than any of the cullens... so i have discovered, that i can either listen to my podcasts (sleep doc posts em, they rock, i can find them if anyone wants to know), or watch twilight, now hold on, dont go all postal, im not saying twilight sucks so bad it puts me to sleep.. it's so goooooood, i love bella & edwards 1st interactions, therefor, i reaaalllly wanna stay awake for said flick, but cant, cuz i pass out. if that doesnt work, i usually eat tylenol pm like m&ms..


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