Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My Souvenir Can Beat Up Your Souvenir

My parents don't travel too often but whenever they do, they always bring me and Brother Jerkface back a little souvenir. Nothing too fancy, just a little taste of the culture from the place they had visited. Most kids had these kinds of souvenirs hanging around -- a Micky/Minnie Mouse hat with ears, for example.

I've never been to Disney World. Or Land. But my parents brought me back one of these a few years ago WHEN I WAS MOTHER FUCKING THIRTY.

Before I continue, I need to explain something. When we were growing up, Brother Jerkface and I took sibling fighting to a level only appreciated by evil super-villains or WWE (or WWF, whatever the fuck they are called now). We nearly flooded my parents house during a Waterworld-esque spitball fight that graduated from, well, spitballs to buckets of water, a hose and entire rolls of paper towels. In another, we managed to turn something as innocent as baking flour into a total fucking scourge of epic proportions. I think it took my mother weeks to clean up all that flour out of her upholstery. Shoes were wielded like grenades and I promise you, anything thrown at your face at maximum velocity is going to hurt like a mother fucker. Including Munchkins. I only experienced that last one secondhand but my friend walked around with a glazed welt on her forehead for awhile.

 I meant these Munchkins, not those creepy creatures from the Wizard of Oz that terrified me. Though I imagine it would hurt a lot more if you got hit in the face with one of them.

In short, we were creatively destructive.

Back to the souvenirs.

When I was eleven or so Daddy (not a)Jerkface went on a business trip somewhere in the Southwest. Upon his return, Brother and I eagerly waited for him to pull our gifts out of his suitcase. Mine was a beautiful little blue leather purse with all these beaded fringes (fuck off, it was the eighties) and a really pretty Native American design.

My brother got a bullwhip. A fucking real leather, flay-your-skin-off fucking bullwhip.

  Oh, hey, let's get our kid a bullwhip. I got him a machete and a Glock last year. This will be a new toy.

Sometimes I think my parents used to do shit like this as a kind of experiment to see just how evil their children really were. I know I would. But even in my ADD-addled eleven year old brain I knew this was not a good idea. There was about a 20 minute period between me racing out the front door to hide somewhere and my mother confiscating the bullwhip that I don't fully recall. All I know is that my brother learned very painfully that if you don't "whip" the bullwhip properly you will end up whipping yourself in the back.

It was the shortest lived "toy" that ever passed the threshold of my parent's house. They stuck to more non-violent souvenirs after that.

Or so I thought. Fast forward twenty-two years to the current day. My folks had recently returned from a whirlwind vacation in the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. They had a blast.

ML and I went to see my parents house last weekend to look at pictures from their trip and as we were leaving, my mom hands me a bag and tells me she bought ML and I some souvenirs. I thanked her and thought it was really nice that she got something for ML.

Until I saw what it was:

Really, Mom? Really?

For those of you who were angelic children and have never seen something like this, it's a rubber band shooter. You hook the rubber band over the nose of gun and secure it with the clothespin. When you're ready to permanently blind someone, you release the clothespin.

Clearly, Mommy (not a)Jerkface is not done with her experimenting. But I guess she's already come to terms with the level of hooliganism in her children so now she's testing my boyfriend.


  1. Did Mommy(not a)Jerkface get this in Vegas?! If so, find out where! I foresee myself using this a lot in my office!!

  2. Ahhhh a much needed laugh at the end of a long horrid day.

    "When you're ready to permanently blind someone, you release the clothespin." LMAO!!!!

    Good luck with ML and the "gun". I'd be concerned about why your parents give the boys in your life such violent gifts. Hmmmmmm

  3. My dad once gave me a MOTHERFUCKING TAZER as a gift.

    Like...a real live...40 gagillion volt electrified device that could drop Emmett Cullen and make him shit his cargo pants. (Which may not be bad since I've heard vampire shit smells like sun-dried linen & lavender.)

    You know what? I think I still have the weapon somewhere in my attic. This could really come in handy during that Tent City clusterfuck I've got coming up!


  4. I fucking love mommy and daddy (not) a jerkface they sound quite comical themselves (must have rubbed off). I grew up with 4 siblings including me, there were plenty of mad adventures, but my parents never bought us cool shit to mame each other with. Great ideas..We did have a mad potatoe shooter thats about it..awesome post JJ.

  5. I fucking love mommy and daddy (not) a jerkface they sound quite comical themselves (must have rubbed off). I grew up with 4 siblings including me, there were plenty of mad adventures, but my parents never bought us cool shit to mame each other with. Great ideas..We did have a mad potatoe shooter thats about it..awesome post JJ.

  6. My [much] older brother got a BB rifle for Christmas one year, and promptly went outside and shot at our neighbor two houses down and across the street. Guess what! A BB rifle can actually shoot that far! Tommy Hyder still has a BB in his back to prove it!

    It really does no good to try to keep toy guns away from little boys. TheRugbyboy could make a weapon out of a piece of toast by age three! It's in their DNA.

  7. That's awesome!

    My In-laws, for my bday one year, heard that I was rather good at a slingshot. To my surprise I got a CRAZY slingshot for which I still to this day threaten my husband and children with.

    Otherwise the only present I recall my Dad bringing me from a "trip" was this little stuffed lion. I love that damn thing. Years later I found out it came with flowers he received while in the hospital for his vasectomy.

    Now that's some mother fucking love right there.

  8. Boys never. Grow. Up. That lil gun would keep my dad happy for hours, shooting me and probably my dogs. He's a real loving dad that way, always looking for new and interesting ways to piss me off. Maybe he's making up for the fact I didn't have any brothers to maim me as a kid (though Sister Banshee tried her best).

    A bull whip? Really?! A glock probably would have been safer.

    @Twi Twat Rot: Bwahahahaha!

  9. That rubber band gun is AWESOME. I think ML can take it on stage as a prop and shoot bands into the stage 'n shit. But not in the house. Lay it down, girl. Don't take no for an answer. And don't let him aim at the FSEs in the dining room.

    Wait......what did you get?!

  10. Why am I imagining you creating a stockade out of FSEs and allowing them to take the rubberband hits for you?

    ...a bullwhip...seriously? I'd love to know your dad's thought process on that one.

  11. My dad totally bought me one of those guns. I still have the welts to prove it.

  12. You gots some baaaaaad karma, JJ. Maybe you shot up assholes all yer previous lives.
    But hey, if this gun can be pointed at creative locales, maybe it can be used for a more positive experience...
    And Double_Dippin.. Mommy and Daddy (not)a Jerkfaces must'a been havin a ball allright and "rubbed off" enough to give us two Jerkfaces!
    ..yeah JJ, you gots some major karma allright.. ;)


  13. @ JJ, what was your gift? Was it, too, of a violent nature?

    @Mama Cougar, LMAO @ Emmett's pleasant shit aroma!

    I can always count on you bitches for some laughs.

  14. We bought the boy a claymore as a souvenir a few months ago. Looks like I'm right on track to become the future M(na)J. That's a total relief because I was afraid my parenting (lack of) skills would turn out a foul-mouthed maladjusted child. Whew.

  15. My parents got me a shot glass from Vegas, lol. I hate to say it but... totally appropriate.

    All your stories are cracking me up!!

    @Rikki_DD - I think she got it in Arizona. There was some writing on it but I couldn't make it out.

    @Toefunny - ML was eyeing up my aaaahmay of FSE's while he had that gun in his hands. I think they may be a primary target.

    @Texas Katherine - The boy will be fine. I turned out perfectly, after all. :P

  16. Bwahahaha, run girl run!

    My sister is seven years older than me, she would pick on me all the time or when I was older drag me strange places. At nine she dragged me on a date with her,I was totally bemused and didn't know what the hell to do? At twelve she dragged me into a disco (yes a disco I'm that old) she was DJ'ing at. Just to get back I would teach her kids stuff like how to hang a spoon from your nose at thanksgiving dinner, or look this is how you short sheet a bed no go do this to mommy's bed she'll think its real funny. I love my sister.
    My dad would randomly buy me cars, I never drove any of them. They were all beaters, first one was a galaxy 500 huge sucker. I think he bought them just to tinker with them. I did sell one to a boyfriend and bought a horse.

  17. One can never have too many shot glasses!

    Weapons have been standard Holiday gifts for eons around here. This IS Louisiana and my men are avid hunters. Nothing tragic or even remotely bad has occurred to date.

    Growing up, my baby sister and I engaged in many battles, some epic, others not so much. I can attest to the fact that an old fashioned rotary telephone, when hurled with accuracy to the forehead, hurts like a motherfucker and leaves a wicked knot & bruise.

    Oh! I never thought of the dangers ML's gift posses to the ahhhhmay of FSEs. Protect The Edwards at all costs!

  18. Clearly your mom is trying to tell you something if she keeps getting guys in your life weapons as gifts.

    BTW...Demanda is in disneyland right now.. and I may have asked her to bring me back Mickey Mouse ears... I'm ALMOST 30. Not yet though!

  19. Clearly your Mum is done with the responsibility of parenting and now wants to sit back, relax, and watch the carnage without having to clean up the mess.

    When I saw the title of this post, I thought I certain small keychain from a land down under might have featured. J/S.

  20. It's a good things we didn't have those in Forks.

  21. LMAO, I love it! :)

    .....and tell your brother to get good with that whip. It can come in....handy. ;)

    I think Jamie and Rikki need to send you some of their eye patches. That, or you can wait until you actually lose an eye, and wear one for reallies. Hehehe.

  22. I am SO late to this party. After a hectic few weeks and a full day sleeping in bed I'm playing blog catch-up and can I just say: "HOW DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS AS RUBBER BAND SHOOTERS???? I NEEEEEED ONE! RTFN


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