Friday, October 7, 2011

Oh, Chipotle, How I Love Thee

 It's been four days since I've gotten back from the Twitarded promised land known as Forks and I've been desperately trying to hang on to that oh-so-amazing feeling that I had while I was there.

Unfortunately, it's kind of hard to when I left this:

For this:

While I missed dirty Jerz and the Big Apple, it was still a bit of a rude awakening to find myself back home. Sure, ML seemed happy to see me (or maybe just my vagina) and I'm sure he enjoyed his quiet time without me nagging him, throwing things at him, sneaking up on and scaring the shit out of him and playing Man Man twenty-four-seven but... I think he missed me. He better have.

What really sucked was, less than twenty-four hours after arriving home, I had to climb into a packed-as-fuck train and head back to work in the city.

I have a love/hate relationship with New York. 90% of the time I think it's the greatest city in the entire world and the other 10% I feel like I'd be perfectly content never to step foot into the concrete jungle again.

 Most of the time. Not always.

Plus, I work there and I'm not exactly a huge fan of my job.

Needless to say, I was a sad and violently cranky panda when I arrived at work Tuesday morning. The jet-lag didn't help and by the time lunch rolled around, I was in some serious need of comfort food.

Given the fact that pretty much everything I put in my mouth (ahem) grosses me out, it's hard for me to find a "comfort" food. Sure, Mac & Cheese is good but there is too big of a possible "yack" factor for it to be a comfort. Cheerios and toast make me want to vomit and I can't touch raw chicken without gagging. So, meal times are always an experience for me.

Except when it comes to Chipotle. For those of you who don't have one of these lovely chain restaurants in your area, it's basically a pretty kick-ass fast food Mexican restaurant. The food is always fresh, the service quick (especially when the Hispanic drag queen is working the grill. I don't know how his painted on eyebrows don't melt off) and, at $8.50 for a chicken burrito bowl to-go, relatively cheap by city standards.

 Chipotle is like a spicy orgasm AND Christmas in my mouth. At the same fucking time.

Plus, it doesn't have the word "street" in its name, as in "street meat". People swear by those trucks but... no. I can't eat anywhere that doesn't specify exactly what kind of "meat" I'm eating.

Anyway. This is clearly turning into the most random and useless post I have ever written. I'm blaming it on the jet-lag. Still.

In honor of my favorite comfort food (specifically chicken, rice, beans and a boatload of hot sauce in a burrito bowl), I've written a poem.

Oh, Chipotle, how I love thee
when I walk through your doors at a quarter past twee'
Pinto and black beans, cilantro-rice!
I don't even really like cilantro
But you do it so nice!
I want to stick my face in the vat of sour cream
But I know that would make the others scream
I stand on line like a good New Yorker
and skip the guac so I don't become a porker
I get my burrito bowl and throw the tranny a smile
then skip back to my office, which is less than a mile
Oh, Chipotle, how I love thee
You don't even break the bank
but that chick who cut me in line
is a total skank

I'm the next goddamn Sylvia Plath. She wrote poetry, right?

 Er, yeah. That's more like it.

What are your favorite comfort foods/restaurants? Feel free to write them a little poem in the comments!

Oh, and if you want to commend/mock me for my mad poetry skillz, feel free. I have a feeling I would be able to stop you anyway.


  1. Just finished my dinner - CHIPOTLE! GAWD I love that place. Salad bowls FTMFW!!! Nom nom nom...

  2. I was going to say that you sound a little tipsy and/or sleep deprived but your poem is actually pretty clever. I've never been to Chipotle but I've heard that it's really good. Mexican food is my go to comfort food, too. Top that off with something gooey and chocolatey and I am a happy, camper.

  3. Why the frak are we meeting at Lucy's when we could have been meeting at Chipotle. They have margaritas to and they aren't bad for $6.50 a pop. I can't drink at the moment, but I can shove a burritto bowl down my thoart. Let's do this and SOON!

  4. Oh JJ, shall I forward this to my family?
    I have three relatives who work for McDonald's (which owns Chipotle)and they are all big wigs. One in fact is the big bitch of Chipotle Restaurant's.

    Perhaps if I share your love they will shower you with free coupons...My Gpa gets free shit all the time for both places but will tell my cousin straight up how he would rather have a BK burger. LOL

  5. Nobel Prize for poetry. Any literary work in honor of Chipotle wins.

  6. I fluv Chipotle! I too cant stand cilantro but totally love their rice. I also love their chips cuz of that yummy lime flavored salt. Aaaannnnd now Im hungry. :)

  7. the cheap subsistence stop for me is almost always taco hell. Two bean burritos, maybe a caramel empanada, a small selzer, and I'm good to go...
    ...but my guilty pleasure....
    The one and only WHITE CASTLE!!!!
    hmmmmmm, I can taste it forever.. ;P
    Oh the horrors of workin on the road..

  8. @ilikeitlemony - shockingly I was not drunk. I know it sounds like it but I wasn't. That's my sober thought process.

    @Twi Twat Rot - LMFAO!!! Sure, go ahead. I dare ya. But I better get some coupons, lol. It's a trade - my humiliation for a dollar off a burrito bowl.

    I can't believe I got comments!! You guys are awesome. Now pass the hot sauce.

    @TJ - I had no idea Chipotle served margaritas. Lucy's is dead to me.

  9. I fecking LOVE chipotle.....the end. Now I'm hungry.
    Nice poem.

  10. Oh, Chipotle, I'm like JJ.
    Your lime rice makes me crazay!
    However, though I have to say,
    the taco truck is my favorite way. :D

    Glad you had fun!

  11. Encore! that poem was amazing! we DO NOT have Chipolte in Canada, and its a tragedy! Should have made le friend take me there when I was in NY this summer! So sad I missed it!

  12. I shall write an ode to lasagna:

    Lasagna, I love thee
    I eat you in bed.
    I shall consume you and smile
    till I feel well fed.
    You have meat and cheese
    and sauce and love
    I swear you're a gift
    from heaven above.
    I let you inside me
    because you're hot and you're warm
    Better than a boyfriend
    Or chicken parm.

  13. I don't think we have that chain in NC. Very random post but I still loved it enough to share with the Mr. *rare*

    My comfort food on a bad morning is to stop a Dunkin Donuts on the way to work. No joke. The month before Forks, half the withdrawals from my personal bank account were from DD.

  14. I don't eat no messikans food. Not into spicy hot sauce.

    My go to food has always been popcorn. With lots o' buttah! Mmmm-mmmm!

  15. Chipotle! I bet you didn't realize your post would be related to Twilight/Rob did u? Remember in the Eclipse commentary when Edward bites Victoria he goes Chipotle!! Oh how I love you guys!!

  16. When i was in NYC in April for WFE we were pissed after and went to Chipotle near the premiere site... I was a chipotle virgin and boy was that an enjoyable cherry-popping experience!

    Margs, big-ass-burrito, amazeballs!

    then while walking back to hilton we saw kstew and rpatz load into an suv to go to after party - - - ooh and sam bradley... hella cool

    why does everything tie back into twilight tee hee

    I plan on some chipotle in Nov when I am in the america`s again

    canada has its goodness - - - but chipotle is not one of them

  17. A review by noted poetry critic, Fooorkspimp.

    Jerkface brings considerable skill to her work, especially in expounding the virtues of that notable restaurant chain, Chipotle. The shifting rhyme scheme manages to convey the emotional power the burrito chain has over the author, referencing such greats as Dr. Seuss and my six-year-old niece. Somehow, Jerkface avoids one of the most stunning visuals of a Chipotle burrito,the fact that it is approximately the size of one newborn human baby. That being said, I look forward to more of Jerkface's emotionally powerful verse.


  18. Chipotle is good, but my favorite is Del Taco's fish taco. Yum!

  19. Chipotle, meh. Once you have Willy's (same concept, way better), you'll never go back. But yes, a Willy's/Moes/Chipotle burrito is awesome anytime! Mmm, now I want Willy's.

    Excellent poetry, btw. Ask @VitaminR70 to call up her buddy the POTUS to tell him: we've got the next Poet Laureate right here! Jenny Jerkface, ladies and gentlemen :)

  20. Brilliant.

    Fun fact. In America, you call it cilantro. In New Zealand (and possibly everywhere else but I'm too lazy to google it) we call it coriander. JSYK.

  21. I love too many foods to pick just one. I do love me some Chipotle, though. A couple weeks ago I ate just their chips & guacamole two days in a row. Mmmm. Now I want chips & guac.

  22. Chipotle was the go to place for my co-workers, but I finally realized I can't eat a burrito bigger than my head. But boy, they were good.

  23. Fun fact: In America, we use the term coriander too. But we use it to refer to the seed/spice from which a plant called cilantro eventually grows. So we disambiguate the seed/spice from the plant/leaf.

    Which, now that I'm writing it out, seems kind of weird. We don't do that to mustard seeds and mustard greens...

  24. These comments are killing me. Thanks for being good sports and not pointing out how shitty my poetry skillz are.

    @Forkspimp - you fucking comment made me snort coffee out of my nose this morning. Well done, my friend.

    @The RugbyMom - Dude. I'm a huge hot sauce junkie. I live for that shit.

    @TwiKiwi - I actually had to go wiki the coriander/cilantro thing - I had no idea. All I know is that, in general, I think cilantro tastes like fucking shit. Except in Chipotle. Mmmm, Chipotle.

    @Kintail - I ordered a burrito once and I swear they handed me a baby wrapped in tin foil. Those fuckers are huge. I usually stick to the burrito bowls.

  25. We only recently got a Chipotle in Maine and the place is always packed. But holy FUCK is it good. I ordered the actual burrito the first time and nearly passed out because of course I had to ear the whole thing. The bowl is much more manageable and less messy. Gawd I love that place.

  26. Bahaha, I do what I can, JJ! :) Glad you enjoyed it. I look forward to more of your work *cough15stepcough*

    Also, I'm with you on the burrito bowls. They are actually still too big for one sitting, so I highly recommend splitting it and using the chips as utensils. Delish.

  27. STY and TJ - are those bowls gluten free??

    Never ate a Chipolte's but passed on in Seattle a few times.

    I love Red Robin steak fries minus the seasoning/salt (it is not gluten free). They are my comfort food - YUM

  28. @TwiKiwiFifty oh so THATS what cilantro is.....

  29. I love NYC too it is a big and great city. And something that I love of this post it's the tree on the first picture.


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