Thursday, October 20, 2011

Robert Pattinson Wanted Me to Have the New "Sexy Stars of Twilight" Magazine.

If you follow me on Twitter, you might be aware of the fact that my common sense and my wallet have been waging a bit of a war with my "OMG I WANT THIS!" Twilight desires... I came face-to-face with my nemesis at the magazine rack recently while waiting in line at the grocery store. There it was: the new "Sexy Stars of Twilight" Breaking Dawn Before the Spawn Edition. Did I really want to spend $9.99 on yet another piece of Twilighty ephemera that I don't have room for in my closet? NO! I would not succumb to the temptation... Probably...

 I am NOT buying this... Probably... Resolve weakening...

People, let's be realistic: I knew I wanted to buy this overpriced piece of bullshit. After all, I have a collection of overpriced Twilight bullshit, and if for no other reason than to have a complete collection of overpriced Twilight bullshit when I finally need to pay rent and put it all on eBay, I needed to buy this piece of OTB, too... You know, just because a complete collection sells for more than an incomplete one, right??? I am a master rationalizer...

Even with my masterful powers to persuade myself to buy Twilight-related things that I don't need, I passed Sexy Stars of Twilight BDBtS by and left it sitting there in the grocery store the first night I saw it. Sexy Starts of Twilight, you are not the boss of me! It felt good to leave it there even if I had a tiiiiny inkling that eventually I might lose this battle (as everyone on Twitter told me would happen). After I left Stop & Shop with nothing but boring ol' groceries, I tucked away the fact that the SSoT magazine contains not one but FOUR posters, and then reminded myself that I left every single one of my Twilight posters in Forks. I shipped them all out there, but didn't really have a plan for shipping them back to NJ so that I could return them to the dark recesses of my closet where they belong. The Forks UPS store must have been closed the Sunday we left... Oh wait, there is no UPS store in Forks.

Fast forward about a week. I'm back in line at the grocery store, and the SSoT magazine is calling my name. It's more of a siren call, really - haunting...  I'm giving myself a little "I can DO this!" pep talk like I am a crackhead trying to walk past the worst part of town in Crackton. But I am strong! I could dooooo it! And then IT happened... I looked down at the items that the cute young dude in front of me was purchasing and saw THIS:

Hot Pockets FTMFW!

The photo is a little blurry, but if you have ever tried to nonchalantly photograph someone else's groceries without them noticing, you'll understand. And that photo HAD to be taken. Folks, it was like Robert Pattinson himself came down from heaven or the mountain or Malibu or Barnes or wherever he spends all his time (it is taking every bit of willpower I possess to not mention a part of KStew's anatomy here) and absolutely COMMANDED that I buy this magazine. Nay, demanded it! Actually that makes it sound more like he's been hanging out in the red Room of Pain - RAWR! Anyhoo, I know divine intervention when it happens! He might as well have been standing in line next to me, willing me to shamelessly add it to my purchases. So I plucked a copy from the middle of the rack--my way of hedging my bets and hoping to buy one that hopefully hadn't been pre-pawed by one of you horny twatwaffles--and giggled all the way back to my car.

All-natural salami and RPatts. Coincidence? You be the judge.

So have you given in? Not buying it? Already have one mauled copy and one wrapped up in plastic and secure in The Precious collection??? Spill it in the comments!

P.S. Today is my birthday. It's not midnight yet, but so far the package containing RPatts has not arrived and I still don't own a sparkle-peen (I KNOW! I don't know how this is possible, either). You know what I REALLY want??? I want to have over 2000 blog followers. Sorry to be all "It's my b-day"-manipulative, but if I have to watch that number hover back and forth around the 1990-ish mark for another month, I am going to stab someone by the time Breaking Dawn comes out, and JJ is going to be really ticked that I will be in the slammer and not going with her to see the premiere (also, I will be very, very sad in jail and and orange is not my color). So if you enjoy this blog but don't follow, please show us some love and sign up so that I don't go to jail. Wouldn't you prefer following the blog to contributing to my bail fund? Yes you would. Probably. Although jail would make for some good blogging...


  1. Okay, I'm following. I think. If I did it right. If I didn't you're shit out of luck, but it's the thought that counts, right?

  2. OMR its your birthday. I will drink tonight and toast to you!. I bought that issue on my way to Foooorrrrrrkkkkkssssssss as in my house we have a rule. Momma can by ANY magazine I want when on vacation
    ( and any other time........ Let's be honest. LOL)
    Happy birthday to you and I hope its a good one. I saw on the twittah that HHH maybe in England, but Im sure he's on his way to you before he has to stop in CA and put his handprints at Manns Chinese Theatre


    The only thing I got from this post was RPatts' salami... :P

  4. I've heard about this magazine, but have yet to spot it. Might be a blessing in disguise.

    I came to the conclusion one night that if I ever get the chance to meet the woman that has done this all to us, I'm just going to hand her all the money in my wallet.

    Hell, I might sign over that weeks paycheck to her, she'll end up getting my money eventually. I'm just cutting out the middle man

  5. Happy Bday from a lurker who finally popped in as of late!

    I caved and bought the People special edition, while my kiddo mocked me relentlessly & loudly in check out line. It's sorta meh, but I don't regret the purchase.

  6. Hey, it just ate my comment and tried to make me start my own blog. wtf?? so once more with feeling: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

    I bought the US Sexy Stars the second I saw it, also at the market. Can remember nothing about it now, except that it reinforced by strong belief that Kellan Lutz looks 100% better with dark hair. And the picture of Rob on the cover, showing his teeth, made me wonder what happened re the Invisalign disaster he once referred to.

    But I put it away in a safe place so that it will be there fresh someday, when there are no more movies to come out and maybe even Robsten is over. Because--and please don't hate me--if I had been that close to Garrett Hedlund for all that time, there is no way I could have resisted. No way I could have resisted at all.)

    PS: For sure, the hotpockets totally were A SIGN.


    I just about snorted my hot drink everywhere with that salami comment.

    I hope you enjoyed the mag :-)

    P.S. I was follower number 1400. Why do I remember this, when I can barely remember to lock the front door? Fuck knows! But I don't regret that follow decision AT ALL. Dew it, miscellaneous readers!

  8. I knew I had to have SSoBD as soon as I saw it. Ya know it's a tradition by now & who am I to argue with tradition.

    Being the smart saver I am, I waited until I could buy it at Barnes & Nobles with my discount card. That is smart right? Even if I got a $2 cookie? Oops.

  9. I haven't seen it yet! Of course if I did, I'd probably have to sell one of my kids to buy it. Yup. I'm that broke. sigh. Maybe not seeing it is a good thing.

    I thought I had been following for ages, but maybe not. I did the RSS again, so Happy Birthday.

  10. Lurker who finally signed up, who knew?
    Happy, Happy, mine was Sunday. Wish you nothing but the best.

  11. Thanks for the b-day wishes - and hi to the lurkers who are coming out of the Twi closet!

    But more importantly, thanks to those who confessed to buying this thing - lol! Definitely makes me feel better... Of course I am not sure why spending $9.99 on this irks me so much when I have spent lord only knows how much money going to Forks (twice - and I refuse to add THAT bill up!). But putting this thing on top of your grocery pile takes balls. j/s. I felt like I did when I used to buy cigarettes as a kid and would mumble something about them being for my mom. Only now the temptation is to mutter something about my non-existent kid needing it. : )

    @getinthecar - That pic of Kellan on the front almost had me NOT buying this - something about the blonde curly hair and the odd pecs isn't working for me at all - lol...

  12. Have a very happy birthday!

    I told myself I didn't need this mag either, that I'd wait for a new RP photoshoot but I caved the very first time I saw it at the grocery store! I mean, how do you just walk away from Rob..and Kellan's abs?

    I think it lessens the blow to throw it in with the groceries.

    Hey, if nothing else, we are contributing to strengthening the economy!!

  13. Happy birthday, Snarky! I can always count on you girls to make my day. I don't think I've ever commented on a post before, but I love the blog. I always check it, but guess I never really thought about following it before. I'll do it as soon as I finish up here. Anyway, haven't seen the SSoT, BDBtS, but did buy the people mag. Uh, did you read the article about the couple who named their little one Renesmee?

  14. Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy late birthday dear Snarky....happy birthday to you!
    So, not only did I buy the SSoBD mag, I brought the posters and hung them as part of the decorations in the Forks Elks lodge. Totally love it!

  15. Happy Birthday STK!

    I signed up to follow once before, but for some reason it puts my login (which is my email address) instead of my screen name, so I undid it. I'm not that out of the closet!

  16. Bought it, bought the People one, bought kstew's Glamour. I tend to be a really cheap person (I buy shoes and purses at Target... Usually only if they're on sale.) so I really had to tell myself that magazines don't get discounted and I really did have to spend $20 (ugh, that hurts to type it) on magazines. I've had the same thoughts as you though about having a complete collection one day - it'll be worth more complete! Not that I would ever sell it. Might insure it, though :)

    And, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I followed your blog a long time ago... and then followed you to Forks (twice). :) Here's to a twatwaffly, headboard-breaky year! (That has to be the weirdest birthday greeting ever... *shrug*) :)

  17. I tried it again and it worked this time! Hopefully we'll get to 2000!

  18. Happy Birthday STY!!!

    As you know, I lack Twi self-control, so OF COURSE I bought this magazine! Also got the BD People Magazine and plan to read them both as soon as my family clears the house and I can stare at the Precious without witnesses.

  19. Oops, sorry. I didn't realize I hadn't clicked "follow". I have had your blog on my Google home page for a while now, but if it means that much to you I'll do it. I was 1999.

  20. I can't believe I missed a chance to slip the words "playing 'hide the salami' with RPatts" somewhere in this post. #BloggerFail

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  22. Hi guys, follower #2000 here, i've been reading the blog since the beginning, love what u guys do , keep it up!! :)

  23. It totally was a sign. He also bough Pizza Rolls. I bet Rob likes pizza rolls too.

    You deserve it all STY. xoxoxo

  24. Okay, I'm following! Happy BD! And BTW...the People special edition is out now too...& only $5.99. Go for it!

  25. The guy in front of me in line was probably Rob's age - I mean, pizza rolls AND hot pockets AND fudge-stripe cookies all in one order? he's either an escaped 5-year-old on the lam or a single adult dude.

    and YAAAAAAAY 2000!!! Thanks (and @Linda Johnston, glad #2000 is a long-time lurker lol).

    That said, if a couple more people sign up, it will keep me from pitching an absolute fit and pulling the plug on the entire *&^$!!! blog when someone inevitably unfollows (if JJ hasn't revoked my admin rights by then...).

    : )

  26. Belated happy birthday wishes! Oh shit that reminds me, I need to make you a proper Robalishous Pillow case!

    I must admit when I saw the SSoT on the rack I was on that puppy like dog on nice juicy bone! I gleefuly bought the issue and have been pawing it regularily!

  27. I always pick it up when I get in line at the store and struggle with 'should I buy this? Should I not?' ... I want to. Buuut my wallet says no. Plus I need to save up for next year when everything Twi is out for the very last time *sniffle*

    BTW I had chipotle today at lunch and was thinking of you. Hope your bday lunch was glorious.

  28. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

    And awesome post. I love me some salami, and I love Twilight even more, so this sounds like a successful shopping trip to me!

  29. Happy Birthday!

    My boss laid the smack down on our internet usage at work and I haven't gotten to read Twitarded for DAYS!!!

    Love this post. Rob called to me at the airport Hudson News stand on my way back from Forks.. Can't resist that boy! You did better than I did. :)

  30. I bought the Twilight People one--saved $1 with coupon and also bought Glamour with Kristen on the cover. Oh and a box of chewy now-n-laters. Ya know to make it less obvious.

  31. @rottymama-yeah, another couponer!

    Bought it with my 10-yr old son moaning "mooooooommmm, nooooooooo!"
    -it was very funny, but I have no shame anymore!! Twilight & The Precious make me happy, and a happy mommy means a happy kiddo! So there, nyah! I even refused to lay it on the conveyor belt thingie coz "it might get smooshed"-I am so sick (and by "sick" I mean the former meaning of the word, as in "potentially mentally deranged", as opposed to the current meaning of "cool" or whatever). I've tried to explain my obsession, which naturally I am completely unable to explain, as having a "Twilight shaped hole in my brain" at birth or something like that...make sense? not so much, oh well...

    hey, STY, super Happy Birthday-you and Twitarded make me feel almost normal...I truly heart you!

  32. I totally have teenagers that I can use an excuse to by this crap. FYI: the cashier is not going to fall for the "I'm buying it for my kid" excuse if you happen to be sporting a Paramore t-shirt you stole from aforementioned kid. Just sayin'

  33. I love each and every one of you. j/s.

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  36. Okay, okay, I'm finally "following" on here, or joined, or something like that.

    Anyway, I think you're hilarious, I've been reading this awesomely funny blog for a while now.

    That magazine keeps calling to me too... but I have resisted, mainly because I don't want to be caught buying it. I live in Hollywood... we're not allowed to buy those magazines here. We see the actual people at Starbucks and stuff.


  37. The couple that named their baby Renesmee featured in the People Special Edition made me feel better about my love of Edward & lust for the Precious. Apparently, my level of craaazay is much healthier than that of others.

    That poor kid is in for a world of mockery...

  38. How'd I miss this post?

    We bought it in the airport on the way home from Fooooorks! Happy asked me to hold it for her and I stuffed into my backpack - where it remains! She's not gettin' it back!

  39. No way was I going to buy it but then I got home and apparently I have the other 3 versions - I don't recall buying them ... ever! Where did they come from? And I guess it means I have to buy this one... to complete the set of course ;)

    Happy belated!

  40. So...another way late comment, so Happy Belated Birthday!

    When I stopped at WalMart in Port Angeles with ChloeCougar and TwiFanger, we all three bought our own copy. It's easier in groups. It's also easier in the heat of the Twitarded Forks moment!

    I bought the People one and KStew's Glamour since then... what can I say?

  41. This new movie that recently came out it's like the most popular between the fans I don't know why 'cause for me all the movie are the same thing.


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