Monday, October 17, 2011

Texas Katherine Goes to the Dentist

I was going through the 52,000 iPods in the house the other day and wondering why I haven't taken the time to update the music on ANY of them in at least two years. Judging from the music on them, I blindly synced them in an impatient attempt to just have something to listen to. It's pretty awesome that I have an iPhone, iPods of various sizes, and an iPad, but none of them have any music I like. I was flipping through the downloads on my phone and came across an audio book. I was a little perplexed because I don't ever buy audio books as I am a visual learner with the attention span of a drunken gnat. The book was Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. I could not remember buying this.

Even if I didn't think Chelsea Handler was funny, I would buy this book for the title alone.

After nearly breaking my brain, I remembered purchasing it before having my wisdom teeth removed two years ago. I thought I needed some distraction from a team of people drilling into my face. I started listening to the book wondering how long I was coherent before the nitrous oxide had me stoned out of my mind. Eight minutes. I heard eight minutes of the book before I was counting pink elephants.

It's still amazing to me that the dentist let me drive myself home. I remember the hygienist asking me if I felt all right to drive myself and I replied with a convincing "Uggghhh ioakkanmed togheemlt."  I guess I looked like my normal spacey self while drooling saliva and blood down the front of my shirt and trying to pay the dental bill with my grocery store reward card. I was supposed to text Mr. TK after the surgery so he could pick me up, but I didn't remember that part after I was baked. I don't remember the drive home either, which is proof enough to me that a higher power exists whose sole purpose is to protect absolute morons like myself.

Mr. TK found me at home about an hour later, covered in yogurt and jello from attempting to feed myself. I'm not sure how he didn't take me right there over the sofa arm. The fact that he was able to resist that level of sexiness proves he has restraint like Edward.

Nevertheless, I started listening to the book again the other day and was laughing my ass off. I know she has several books out now and I might have changed my mind on this whole audio book thing. Her stories definitely hold my attention and I'll be a little morose when the book ends. It is possible she has plagiarized parts of my life and I have my legal counsel (aka my cat) looking into that.

He's like Matlock. But with a litter box. And fewer hairballs.

It's your turn to share your thoughts on audio books. Or the dentist. Or laughing gas. Or cats. Jeebus, this post was all over the place.

32 comments:

  1. I got my wisdom teeth surgically removed (as in, he put me totally under) when I was like 16 or 17. That night, I took a pain pill before I ate the red jello my mom made me, and later, when I started throwing up, my sister (10 or 11 at the time) ran in to my mom's room, screaming, "Jenny's throwing up blood! Jenny's throwing up blood!" Needless to say, it was just the jello, but... lol

    My favorite memory, though, was riding home (the dentist was an hour away), and peering out the window when we were waiting at the toll booth at a trucker, my face puffy and swollen, blood caked on my chin, and mouth full of cotton, just grinning at him druggedly and all crazy like. lol

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  2. After my wisdom teeth surgery, I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought my throat was going to swell shut & I would choke to death! It doesn't really make much sense to me now, but I recall I was very frightened at the time.

    Instead of audiobooks, I now listen to old [classic] Twigasm podcasts & iFic podcasts. LolaShoes' Let Your Light Shine is so good! So, if you pull up next to my car at a stoplight, I could be snorting over Cooking With Semen, or wiggling in my seat over hot vampire lovin'! Don't judge. If you can't deal, then just look away!

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  3. Outlander by Diana Gabaldon is the best audiobook I've listened to. Smart, smutty, heart wrenching, gut wrenching (only a few times) 1750s Scotland - sword fighting, bodice ripping, and historical accuracy all included. The woman who narrates it is awesome. The first few chapters are a bit slow but what you learn is important later on. Listen to it, you won't be sorry. I won't take responsibility for causing your dirty dreams about tall handsome Scottish lords...

    http://itunes.apple.com/us/book/outlander/id418648691?mt=11

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  4. I had a little "lady town" out patient thing last week. On the way home I was flicking through things on my phone and came across that fuckhawt pumpkin carving of Rob. I proceeded to tell hubward that he should carve a pumpkin like that for me and I would keep it fresh with vasoline. And then shit got weird and I ended up crying and telling him he would come home to find pumpkinward smashed to pieces and half of it stuck in my bajingo, because I wouldn't be able to resist my only chance to sit on Rob's face. Pumpkin Rob or otherwise.

    He wishes he wasn't driving and could have recorded it.

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  5. I had to get a gum graft earlier this year. To take my mind off the horrific gum scraping and cutting and shit, I brought my ipod and listened to the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" (I know this is not an audiobook). It was a challenge trying not to laugh when Principal Rooney was getting pissed off on the phone ("9 times!"). My dental ordeal was over at the museum scene. I'll never see that movie without associating it with my gum graft experience.

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  6. OMG...The stories I can tell. Bentist and his friends were full of shenanigans through dental school, and I am proud to say, I was a guinea pig for many of them. Here are a couple good times:

    1) While getting my teeth cleaned, my friend Dr. Carl (Bentist's best man) gave me a little cup with some red stuff in it. "Take it like a shot" he says. So I do. And he freaks out. FREAKS.OUT. Apparently, it's the stuff you swish around to see where the plaque is. I did not know that. I pissed red for 3 days.

    2) Dental school supplies are not cheap, but they are also AWESOME. Take those little q-tips covered in topical novicane. I call them Lolli-canes or Novi-pops. They taste like tingly cherry and numb you up on the spot you suck. Delicious. They make for fabulous blowjobs.

    I love my dentist. Can't speak much on audio books...

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  7. I don't have a..."special" relationship with my dentist like Lindsay Rae, but I HAVE been considering the audio-book thing because I hear it might make me feel less murderous-rage-y to be driving on my sucky commute home if I was at least listening to something funny and not hearing all the sucky shit going on in the world on the news, which is what I'd otherwise listen to in the car. Blah.

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  8. Twilight on Audio is a riot. Just the way Ilia whatsername says "bella" makes me want to reach through my earpods and shake her by the neck.
    Audio was great for reading the Game of Thrones books and the Harry Potters, extremely talented readers make it all so much better.

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  9. had my upper wisdom teeth "cut out" before they grew in, when I was 18. Apparently I never had any on the bottom. They didn't put me to sleep...just got 8 shots of anesthetic. Anyway, I was in the middle of having to type a research paper for a community college class, and with the pain meds I was on, that got pretty interesting.

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  10. I love audio books! They make things like driving and the dishes so much easier to do.

    As for wisdom teeth...according to my college room mate, I had mine pulled and went home, lit up a smoke and decided we needed to have a party that night. I don't remember any of it.

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  11. My dentist has tvs in the ceiling... and provides free laughing gas. You guys might know this since I tweeted about how high I was last week. He also has the same name as my cat. I love my dentist.

    Had wisdom teeth removed when I was 18, after freshman year of college. They put me under and when I came to, my Dad was there to take me home and I told him that I felt drunk. His reply? "You've never been drunk." ...O.o

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  12. @Lindsay Rae--How in the hell do you give a blow job with a numb mouth? I would be drooling & biting my tongue. Ok, that's my normal technique, but don't judge.

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  13. I have absolutely no good anesthetic stories to tell. They all just make me nauseous and pukey. I did see my dentist yesterday for my 6 month routine cleaning so the timing of the post was spot on TK.

    I recently joined audible.com, a division of amazon that sells audiobooks. I hope to be able to ignore more of my life by listening to recorded smut.

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  14. I went to the dentist last week because I was having some sensitivity in one of my teeth and thought maybe I needed a filling replaced....after 30 minutes a prodding and x-rays he couldn't find anything so he gave me a bunch of percocet and sent me on my merry way.

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  15. I haven't read this book of hers yet but I must say I was really disappointed in her first 2 books. Not nearly as funny as I would have expected from her. Bummed... so not sure if I'll ever end up reading this one.

    I've only listened to one audio book and I bought it just for something to listen to on an 8 hour drive. It was The Nanny Diaries.. in Julia Roberts voice. Cute but not the best. We also started listening to the Twilight Audio book on the way to La Push from Forks...my ears are still recovering.

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  16. LMFAO @ Mr. TK's Edward-like restraint.

    My dentist/oral surgeon is my surgeon S/O's buddy, so all my dental adventures are a win...totally drugged out before, during and after. Not much recall of any of them particularly, which I guess is a good thing. I am a total pussy when it comes to dental work or eye exams, for that matter.

    Have only gone the audiobook route for kiddo's assigned school readings to aid with his dyslexia challenges.

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  17. IT TOOK YOU EIGHT MINUTES for the NO to kick in????? Must have been because I was a youth when I got mine taken out-I think I lasted 1 min.

    AUDIO BOOKS!! I have a great audiobook story. My commute used to take me 1-1 1/2 hours each way. I read,er, heard "Outlander". Awesome book on audio. Well, there was a sex scene, that I KID YOU NOT, I almost had to PULL OVER FOR!!! Makes you wanna read "Outlander", huh???

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  18. @Lindsay Rae - I am still fucking laughing over "take it like a shot". He knows you! What did he expect???

    This comment thread is bringing back not-so-fond memories. The dentist frightens me. I didn't go to the dentist for ten years. When I finally went I was shocked to find my teeth were in great shape with no cavities. Nine months later I developed pain, went back and had FOUR FUCKING CAVITIES.

    It's a conspiracy. I also ran out of a dentist's office mid root canal.

    Did I mention the dentist freaks me out?

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  19. I got my wisdom teeth removed because they were growing in the wrong place (under the molars in front of them). I suppose it was a surgical removal (the dentist introduced himself as a dental gnathosurgeon) but I wasn't on any gas or general anaesthesia, just a plain shot of xylocaine on each side. But the shot was slightly too big a dose for my case and I couldn't feel my cheeks or my tongue for about 5 hours. I bit my cheeks and felt nothing... I thought it was so funny.
    It wasn't so funny after five hours when the xylocaine wore off and the pain and the swelling started. I am so glad it is all in the past. Wisdom teeth suck.

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  20. Dentistry can be quite frightening for most people. People are scared about the works of dentist. In fact, they might have had a bad experience with their dentist in the past due to which they avoid dentistry. The people who are scared of dental works always have one question in their mind regarding dentistry. They just want to know the best and easy way of choosing a good dentist. There are few points that you can consider before choosing a dentist. A recommendation from your family member, friend or the existing dentist of family can be quite useful. Most of the times, dentists maintain professional and personal relationships with other dentists all over the country.

    Dentist SF

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  21. I am glad that noting bad happened to you. I myself can't stand audio books, I always seem to miss things and have to go back. I prefer reading books to listening by far.

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  22. I thought in Chelsea from Two and a half men I don't know why so funny lol. Keep for share this amazing experiences with us. Keep writing.

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  23. Well, I guess all's well that ends well. Mr. TK must have been your savior. If I were your dentist, I would not let you drive all by yourself - that would be dangerous! I love listening to audio books too, by the way.

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  24. Very good points you wrote here..Great stuff...I think you've made some truly interesting points.Keep up the good work.

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  25. A wisdom tooth, if it’s not properly aligned, can cause a lot of pain in the long run. I hope you did not suffer a lot from your wisdom tooth. By the way, it would have been better if your dentist lets you rest for a couple of hours until you can manage to drive yourself home. Or until Mr. T can pick you up. Anyway, at least you got home safe and sound.

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  26. I really impressed with your points here.

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  27. Great Blog!! That was amazing. Your thought processing is wonderful about Dentist in Chelsea. The way you tell the thing is awesome. You are really a master.

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  28. Last time when i went to dentist in Chelsea because i was having pain in my teeth. And the chelsea dentist give me great advice for my teeth. I'd like to say thanks to Lavender Hill Dental Practice who save my teeths.

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  29. Online dentist directory is one of the best ways to choose the right dentist.

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  30. Nowadays people are so much concerned about dental issues. Also the ideas of dental tourism, dental vacation and dental holidays are getting popularity fast. Because these ideas are safe, cost saving and reliable.affordable dental implants mexico

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