In January 2010 it seemed like such a great idea, spend a weekend with the Twitards in Forks, Wa. And so with me (AGirlintheSouth), Laxplays, Donnawhodoesnottweet, Helenwhodoesnottweet, CupcakeDonna and one more, we crossed the country to see where all of the Twilight craziness began. What the fuck were we thinking?
2011 rolls around and the crazies that run this godforsaken blog say "Let's go to Forks again!" I looked at Laxplays and she looked at me and we said, "no way." Then we met for lunch one day (we must have been drinking) and for shits giggles we looked up airfare. It was dirt cheap. Should we go again? No, well, maybe? I call Donnawhodoesnotweet to see if she'd go. When the 3rd of our Muskateers said she was in, we were goners. Aw, hell - we were going back to Freakin' Forks...or Fake Forks as we'd come to call it.
(Yep...We're going back!)
As the date crept closer we started to doubt ourselves. Elks Lodge? Buses to the motel? Were we really doing this again? Truth be told we were coming to see all of you, Forks be damned. But we wanted to see something new this trip, so we very rationally decided that after flying 4 1/2 hours to Seattle from Houston we should all jump in a car and drive another 3 hours to Portland! We're smart like that.
The plan was to see as many Twilight film sites as we could heading into Portland and then do the same leaving and driving up the coast to Forks where we'd join the rest of the nutjobs on Friday night.
We leave the airport and within 10 minutes I see flashing lights through the small sliver of window the piles of luggage in the back left me. Aw, shit, here we go again. You see, last year somewhere between Seattle and Forks I got pulled over. The nice officer (who was awfully hot) said, "Where are you going, ladies." Giggles from all of us.
"Fooooorks," we all replied.
"What are you doing in Forks?" he asked.
"Come on," he pled, "I just want to hear you say it."
"Twilight...." hysterical laughter and blushing ensued.
So it was fate that I would once again get pulled over and once again use my fantastic charm, er, um, I mean rack, to get out of a ticket in Washington.
After dreamy cop let us go we headed on our way. First stop - Kalamata Olive, Oregon. Okay, it's really Kalama, Oregon, but come on - it sounds like the freaking olive. This is where the REAL Forks High School is located. We drive up and were SHOCKED at how small the parking lot was. All those external shots were in this teensy weensy parking lot.
The great thing is this school is prepared for the twitards. They have a little box of flyers where you pull in that is filled with maps of campus and it labels where things were shot. Wanna know where the hill and woods are where Bella walked past Edward and he followed because she'd figured out his secret? Head to location #3. The picnic tables? Location #5. It was great. There was even a very helpful teacher who didn't think we were odd at all...does that make him odd, though? Hmmmm...
The Kalama High School office even sells Twilight merchandise to help offset the school's budget. Best. School. Fundraiser. EVER!
(You'll have to imagine the shrub they used to cover the electrical box in the movie.)
We totes missed the town where they filmed Port Angeles because there was a flippin' river in the way and our car didn't float. But we didn't miss the View Point Inn. The internet described it as a "1924 world class boutique hotel and fine dining restaurant." Um. It's a half burned down building now. This is where the prom scenes for Twilight were shot. The owners didn't have insurance so it doesn't look like it's ever going to be rebuilt despite the proceeds from the "Twilight Walk of Fame" where you can, for a mere $125, personalize a brick in the walkway.
Next stop - Multnomah Falls. These are the falls that you see as Edward and Bella walk to the baseball field and they use them again in the closing credits. Now, if you've met me, you know I'm NOT an outdoorsy type. Holy shit. These were amazing! Laxplays says I said, "I'm not a nature girl, but this is my kind of outside."
(Three hot bitches)
And then there was Portland where Laxplays led Donnawhodoesnottweet and I through a scary part of town and almost got us gang raped and killed so we could go to Voodoo Doughnuts. It's all famous and Mr. Laxplays recommended we stop in for a sweet. These people pile the craziest shit on a doughnut.
So, we kind of didn't have a hotel booked. What can I say? We were trying to be fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants kind of girls. So Laxplays suggested we pretend we're in Master of the Universe and stay at the Heathman. Oh Fifty...where are you??? The hotel was cute, but Donna's bed sucked. I apparently snored like a man and Laxplays was an uberbitch while we were there. I contemplated going thermonuclear Fifty on her ass and tying her to the bed. Biggest disappointment? No Taylor. I didn't have fresh clothes bought by the employee of an elusive, yet sexy billionaire the next morning. Sigh.
So Friday was "get to Forks" day. We headed first to Vernonia, Or where the local Credit Union was used as the Forks Police Station. We drove up, got out, took photos while people stared. Then we pulled out, drove down the street, turned around, drove back and reenacted the scene of Edward and Bella arriving back from Port Angeles. I was Edward and Laxplays was Bella. Donna just rolled her eyes. Someday we might share the video. Yes, video. It's fucking Oscar-worthy.
One last film site before heading to Fake Forks. Indian Beach at Ecola State Park (or as I like to call it, Ecoli State Park) Beautiful, Gorgeous, Wish you were here. This is where the First Beach scenes were shot, where Jacob tells Bella the legends of the Cold Ones. On a non-twilight note - The Goonies were filmed here as well.
The drive to Forks was supposed to take 4 1/2 hours. The drive to Forks took 6 hours. And that was 6 hours of driving through shithole towns that barely had gas stations much less clean bathrooms or anywhere decent to eat.
So by the time we got to Forks we were just happy to have a reason to Trench Crawl Again. It was fantabulous to see all of you and meet some of you for the first time. It's still amazing to me how we are so freaking different and yet have so much ridiculous fun together.
For the record, I did eventually have enough of Laxplays, so I went all Fifty Shades on her ass with a little tape. She tried to get out...but I threatened her with a flogger.
We came, we saw....we're never going back!