Friday, October 14, 2011

Texas Twitards Do Forks!

Snarkier Than You here...Welcome boys & girls! OK, mostly just girls - I am realistic when it comes to reader demographics... Regardless, we have a special treat for you! A few days after we returned from Forks, I had the honor & privilege to view a very special bunch of photos (yes, apparently, if you have your shit together and are not like me, you can upload your pictures to the internets in days and not weeks or months). After I got a load of them, I knew I wanted them...nay, needed them - and the story behind them - here. And AGirlintheSouth (you can find her at A Girl in the South and Tales From the Juice Box) graciously agreed to put it all out there for posterity or future consideration for unemployment. Take it away, AGitS (and thanks!) -

In January 2010 it seemed like such a great idea, spend a weekend with the Twitards in Forks, Wa. And so with me (AGirlintheSouth), Laxplays, Donnawhodoesnottweet, Helenwhodoesnottweet, CupcakeDonna and one more, we crossed the country to see where all of the Twilight craziness began. What the fuck were we thinking?

2011 rolls around and the crazies that run this godforsaken blog say "Let's go to Forks again!" I looked at Laxplays and she looked at me and we said, "no way." Then we met for lunch one day (we must have been drinking) and for shits giggles we looked up airfare. It was dirt cheap. Should we go again? No, well, maybe? I call Donnawhodoesnotweet to see if she'd go. When the 3rd of our Muskateers said she was in, we were goners. Aw, hell - we were going back to Freakin' Forks...or Fake Forks as we'd come to call it.

(Yep...We're going back!)

As the date crept closer we started to doubt ourselves. Elks Lodge? Buses to the motel? Were we really doing this again? Truth be told we were coming to see all of you, Forks be damned. But we wanted to see something new this trip, so we very rationally decided that after flying 4 1/2 hours to Seattle from Houston we should all jump in a car and drive another 3 hours to Portland! We're smart like that.

The plan was to see as many Twilight film sites as we could heading into Portland and then do the same leaving and driving up the coast to Forks where we'd join the rest of the nutjobs on Friday night.

We leave the airport and within 10 minutes I see flashing lights through the small sliver of window the piles of luggage in the back left me. Aw, shit, here we go again. You see, last year somewhere between Seattle and Forks I got pulled over. The nice officer (who was awfully hot) said, "Where are you going, ladies." Giggles from all of us.

"Fooooorks," we all replied.
"What are you doing in Forks?" he asked.
More giggles.
"Come on," he pled, "I just want to hear you say it."
"Twilight...." hysterical laughter and blushing ensued.
So it was fate that I would once again get pulled over and once again use my fantastic charm, er, um, I mean rack, to get out of a ticket in Washington.

After dreamy cop let us go we headed on our way. First stop - Kalamata Olive, Oregon. Okay, it's really Kalama, Oregon, but come on - it sounds like the freaking olive. This is where the REAL Forks High School is located. We drive up and were SHOCKED at how small the parking lot was. All those external shots were in this teensy weensy parking lot.

The great thing is this school is prepared for the twitards. They have a little box of flyers where you pull in that is filled with maps of campus and it labels where things were shot. Wanna know where the hill and woods are where Bella walked past Edward and he followed because she'd figured out his secret? Head to location #3. The picnic tables? Location #5. It was great. There was even a very helpful teacher who didn't think we were odd at all...does that make him odd, though? Hmmmm...

The Kalama High School office even sells Twilight merchandise to help offset the school's budget. Best. School. Fundraiser. EVER!

(You'll have to imagine the shrub they used to cover the electrical box in the movie.)

We totes missed the town where they filmed Port Angeles because there was a flippin' river in the way and our car didn't float. But we didn't miss the View Point Inn. The internet described it as a "1924 world class boutique hotel and fine dining restaurant." Um. It's a half burned down building now. This is where the prom scenes for Twilight were shot. The owners didn't have insurance so it doesn't look like it's ever going to be rebuilt despite the proceeds from the "Twilight Walk of Fame" where you can, for a mere $125, personalize a brick in the walkway.

Next stop - Multnomah Falls. These are the falls that you see as Edward and Bella walk to the baseball field and they use them again in the closing credits. Now, if you've met me, you know I'm NOT an outdoorsy type. Holy shit. These were amazing! Laxplays says I said, "I'm not a nature girl, but this is my kind of outside."
(Three hot bitches)

And then there was Portland where Laxplays led Donnawhodoesnottweet and I through a scary part of town and almost got us gang raped and killed so we could go to Voodoo Doughnuts. It's all famous and Mr. Laxplays recommended we stop in for a sweet. These people pile the craziest shit on a doughnut.

 So, we kind of didn't have a hotel booked. What can I say? We were trying to be fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants kind of girls. So Laxplays suggested we pretend we're in Master of the Universe and stay at the Heathman. Oh Fifty...where are you??? The hotel was cute, but Donna's bed sucked. I apparently snored like a man and Laxplays was an uberbitch while we were there. I contemplated going thermonuclear Fifty on her ass and tying her to the bed. Biggest disappointment? No Taylor. I didn't have fresh clothes bought by the employee of an elusive, yet sexy billionaire the next morning. Sigh.

So Friday was "get to Forks" day. We headed first to Vernonia, Or where the local Credit Union was used as the Forks Police Station. We drove up, got out, took photos while people stared. Then we pulled out, drove down the street, turned around, drove back and reenacted the scene of Edward and Bella arriving back from Port Angeles. I was Edward and Laxplays was Bella. Donna just rolled her eyes. Someday we might share the video. Yes, video. It's fucking Oscar-worthy.

One last film site before heading to Fake Forks. Indian Beach at Ecola State Park (or as I like to call it, Ecoli State Park) Beautiful, Gorgeous, Wish you were here. This is where the First Beach scenes were shot, where Jacob tells Bella the legends of the Cold Ones. On a non-twilight note - The Goonies were filmed here as well.

The drive to Forks was supposed to take 4 1/2 hours. The drive to Forks took 6 hours. And that was 6 hours of driving through shithole towns that barely had gas stations much less clean bathrooms or anywhere decent to eat.

So by the time we got to Forks we were just happy to have a reason to Trench Crawl Again. It was fantabulous to see all of you and meet some of you for the first time. It's still amazing to me how we are so freaking different and yet have so much ridiculous fun together.

For the record, I did eventually have enough of Laxplays, so I went all Fifty Shades on her ass with a little tape. She tried to get out...but I threatened her with a flogger.

We came, we saw....we're never going back!


  1. I would like to add, that according to my map and tour itinerary, Portland to Forks was only two finger lengths on the map. Obviously, I was mistaken, and it was two Ron finger lengths........

    Fabulous post AGITS, our mothers will be so proud,


  2. Laxplays - have you noticed that we're the only ones who have read this post? Yep, this is Twitarded slumming it, for sure.

    And isn't 2 fingers on the map just another 30 minutes?

  3. You are right! Nobody ever reads on Friday night, we are the filler for these hookers!!! Let's keep leaving comments and by the end of the night, it will look as if everyone has read our crap, I mean, your crap.


  4. HOW DID YOU LADIES GET HERE??? Who gave you access??

    Just kidding. You're all fucking nuts. I love you a whole lot. Miss you dumb asshole.

  5. I was somehow totally jealous that you had walked in the same spots at RPatts - and his bouffant!!! - during the filming of Twilight... I will be thinking of you twat-waffles when I see it again on the big screen in November!

    Also, slightly disappointed that there are no photos of the spectacular shoes that accompanied those matching outfits. WOW those were some amazaballs shoes, ladies.

  6. Thanks for sharing ladies!! I was laughing the entire read! Of course now I'm wondering if I really want to consider a trip to tje mother ship or if just reading about it is more than I need :)

    Great pics btw, thanks again for sharing!

  7. Laxplays - yep...we'll just keep commenting and make it look like we're really cool.

    Jenny - I'd just blame TK. I know you all think of her as a Twitard, but she's a Texan First...just ask her about the Civil War and watch her go all "Its-the-war-of-Northern-Aggression-You-Moron!" on your ass. Yep, it had to be her fault.


    Kelly - I will say this for that part of the country - the scenery is simply stunning. The weather was amazing both time we were there - in fact I think I only got hit by like 3 raindrops on both trips combined. But Forks itself was disappointing to me....but with all the Twitards in tow, it became the "it" spot!

  8. Edward: "If you hate the cold and the rain so much, why'd you move to the wettest place in the continental US?"

    Yep, three drops of rain the entire trip. Stephenie Myer is a liar. FACT: the sun shines every day in Forks. People were even running on the beach in shorts and t-shirts!


  9. Great pic and post!
    I recently (early Sept) went to Oregon and went to the Inn and the Falls. I was so giddy I could hardly contain myself.
    We move in two weeks exactly and I will only be living minutes away from those locations. I can't wait to visit some of the other spots as well.
    I'm fairly certain my vagina growled as I walked through those film location sites. Grrrrrr!

    BTW, how did you like the Old Dirty Bastard donut? Nom nom nom

  10. Great post guys!

    When I was in Washington I met with MusingBella and StarlitViolets in Olympia because it was halfway between where I was in Seattle and them down in/near Portland. I was well jealous they went to Kalamata Olive High School on their way.

    But then I went to Vancouver BC and had the all-time ultimate amazeballs twi-set tour by RedBella. She is an incredible tour guide. I loves her.

    You all set for TWITARDS IN HAWAII 2013? plug plug plug

  11. There really isn't enough in Forks to justify me going back a third time. I, too, said "Never" on my way home from #Forks2011, but I had my fingers crossed.

    This trip, we stayed in Seattle several days, and we did almost every touristy thing there was to do there. So, . . .been there, done that.

    The pacific northwest is so beautiful, though. It was very peaceful just to stand there and look at the landscape! I wish I could move there.

    So really, the only reason we went this year was to meet with all you twatwaffles. I don't think I would ever go to a premier, or a Twi-con, or Comic-con, because of the crowds. But if you bitches wanted to meet up somewhere [Forks/Hawaii/Las Vegas/or somewhere on the EAST COAST please!] I'm game.

    Never say never!

    Thanks so much for sharing your pictures and your adventures in Oregon. You guys rocked in your matching outfits Saturday night! Nicely done - if you truly pulled that together at the last minute, then good on ya'.

  12. What does it mean that Im reading this on Friday night? Could mean many things .....But I HAVE to read Twitarded everyday for a laugh or giggle.

    This week sucked in a HUGE way for myself and the family. Husband's Uncle died Wednesday and hes leaving at 3am for the Funeral in Md.

    Meanwhile... back at home, I have my daughters 8th bday party (planned for weeks -since I ditched her for FOOORRRKKSS) to handle with a shitload of children for three hours. Gah!

    Your adventure sounded like great fun. We chatted a bit in the line for food and you informed me of the trench crawling from Forks2010

    Yes,I agree with Snarky, you need to include photo of the killer shoes you were wearing.

    My husband informed me (while in Forks) that "if I want to go again next year, he's okay with that"..... I did inform him about Twikiwi50's plan for 2013. He's game.

  13. Lastly, shouldnt there be a ((i))(#)brick at the View Point inn?

  14. @Laxplays & @AGitS--I want to travel with you hookers. And I want a donut, bitches.

    @AGitS--"The Civil War" is a misnomer & you know it, beyotch!! Don't make me drive down there. I will do it & I will stop at every Shipley's on the way.

  15. I want to take THIS trip next time!!

  16. There is that phrase that everyone keeps saying, "Next time" - gasps and downs a bottle of vodka.


  17. Awesome post ladies! Laughed so much! The pics posted are gorgeous. Oh, so is the scenery. ;)

  18. Your attencance in Forks was much appreciated. The trench crawl unis were awesome.

    I needed an excuse for a Portland road trip - now I can disguise it as a Twilight junket. (I am really going down for Powell's Books)

    One teensy weensy error - that's Kalama, WASHINGTON, Home of Forks High. The river separates the 2 states.

    My daughter's BF is working near there and she checked out the school and refused to take any pictures for me. She hates my Twilight obsession.

  19. Dearest Kintail,

    That darn river got in the way of everything for us...thanks for the correction. I mean, I hate to get the old geography wrong. So, that's Kalama, Washington, next to the White House? Perfect.

    p.s. I suggest your daughter looks for a new BF.

    p.p.s. I think this is a record for the amount of comments made by me in two days. Enough.

  20. gawd, I agree with you about "shithole towns" between Portland and Forks - you could get uremic poisoning and starve to death circling the Peninsula at mortal speed.k

  21. F*ck me! So I did all the beaches for nought? I mean, I realised the real Forks was NOTHING like the fake Forks, but the beaches? Jeez, I've been diddled...

    You know that, though? Meeting you TrenchCrawlers and finally chatting with you, Laxplays, was compensation enough. Almost ;-)

    Nice post, laydeez. Hope to catch up with you in Hawaii in 2013 ;-)

    CC x

  22. I think I like this Hawaii bikinis come in Camo???

  23. Love you Texan and Scottish/Texan ladies!!! It was oh so good to see you again.

    @Laxplays What the hell kind of stealth move are you doing in that photo outside my Forks Motel room?

  24. We did the real fake Forks in 2010 and the fake Fake Forks in 2011...Your adventures sound like ours..You should have gone in that Credit Union (Police station).. if they're not busy, they love to make fun of us..
    We got the same chuckles from the border agents on our way to Canada.. "What's the purpose of your visit?".. Luckily Pocket Edward was there to justify it..
    And the park rangers that showed us the "Say it out loud" spot..Almost fell off his lawn mower.. apparently not too many people make that trek.
    Anyway, the Vodka in the Mt St. Helens canteen made the whole trip bearable..


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