Thursday, October 6, 2011

Things I Learned in Forks

We did it! Again!!! JJ, VitaminR, Myg, LKW, yours truly.

I know some of  you are probably tired of reading about Forks, but tough shit bear with us; I promise we'll talk about something other than Forks (and cancer) on a day coming soon to a Twitarded blog near you. But for now, you're going to have to continue to humor us (and if we're lucky, vice versa).

So in no particular order, here are a few of the things I learned during the encore presentation of Twitarded Goes to FOOOORRRKKS!!!

There are bigger trees in the Hoh than the one I hugged last year. THIS one is HUGE!!!

Hunters and Twitards are not on the same schedule, but both species stay at the Forks Motel. Apparently a hunter or two got bent out of shape when some Twitards pulled into the parking lot at the crack of midnight. They weren't even loud or anything, as far as these things go. But maybe if you wanted to get up in a few hours to go shoot things, headlights and voices might have made you really pissy. Which leads me to...

It wasn't a bad thing to have some men-folk around. There was a time when I would have considered myself quite the feminist, and while I still lean heavily in this direction on most fronts, if some recently-woken-up fucktard is screeching about gettin' his guns if we don't stf up and dudes want to defend the ladyfolk, I'm totally down with it. They are also great with ladders and lathes and stuff. Thanks dudes!

I like cupcakes. I like cupcakes like Gollum likes rings. Cupcakes are the perfect storm for me - a trifecta of stuff I am allergic to and shouldn't eat (eggs, wheat, dairy), so I don't. Usually. But that doesn't mean I don't want one... For me, eating a good cupcake is like discovering the holy grail, the fountain of youth, and Atlantis all at once. I made sweet, sweet love to that cupcake with my mouth (and there was a lot of finger licking - not a molecule was wasted). If anyone has video of me eating this cupcake, I will be forced to hunt you down and kill you. Or I'll have LKW do it for me, since I have no guns and no chest freezer. You've been warned.

 Not me but I think I was more the chick on the left... Vodka and cupcakes don't mix.

I like cupcakes almost as much as JJ doesn't like huckleberry. She bought some huckleberry taffy at a little store on our way out of the Hoh and popped some into her mouth the second her ass hit the seat in the mini-van. I wish I had video of her trying to choke it down; it might as well have been dog-turd flavored for all the facial contortions she did, and there was a moment where I thought she might actually vomit on my lap (it was a close call, I think.). 

The ferry route beats the pants off the drive-around alternative. The I-5 can suck it.

This stop at Ruby Beach almost made the six hour drive back to Seattle worth it...

I would make a shitty event planner. Putting an event together for 100+ people when you don't have a clue in the world what you are doing is TOUGH. Thanks to everyone who helped with absolutely everything! We could not have done it without you.

We are the nicest bunch of dirty twats on the planet, and we totally baffled the officers at the Elks Lodge. I don't think they knew what to make of us, or Peenward the inflatable blow-up Edward (who was quite well endowed, natch). But we donated a good chunk of change to local causes thanks to Rotty Mama and the general kitty, and they will welcome us back with open arms [note: we are not going back].

I scare easily.

I can carry roughly my body weight in luggage, with some help. Also I am the world's shittiest packer. I used approximately 15-20% of what I lugged across the country (and back).

It all went downhill so fast from here...

When you are in La Push (or near La Push, since I also learned that you can't actually go to La Push beach), everything you say sounds better when you end it with "baby."

First Beach, baby. In my office, baby. Win! Baby.

Speaking of La Push (baby), you can't take any sand or rocks or anything from the beach. Which I think I knew at some point, but of course I really really REALLY wanted a rock and/or some sand to take home with me. Like everyone else who has ever been there, I started to rationalize that if I just took a little sand or one rock, it wouldn't matter... And then LKW started making references to The Brady Bunch and the tiki that Greg should never have taken from Hawaii, and I decided against filching anything...

If we all lived in Forks - permanently - and I saw you all around town all the time, I would still be incapable of getting names straight and remembering all of them. Forget the double whammy of online name vs. irl name - I just could not do it. Back when Mr. Snarky and I started dating, he introduced me to so many people that eventually I was forced to admit defeat. If I had my way, everyone would have their name tattooed on their forehead in 24-point font at birth. It wouldn't look weird if we all did it, and it would keep that kid you named "Emily" after your great-aunt from changing her name to Kandii or Khristal or something when she runs away to join the stripper circus.

Lastly, not to get too weighty here, I think I learned that this is my legacy. I'm [probably] not going to cure cancer, invent some amazing gadget that revolutionizes the world, or leave an enormous endowment to carry my name on... But I look around, and I see all the amazing friendships that have come from our nutty blog, and how that has changed people and made them happy and laugh and connect with people in a way they might not have previously thought possible, and it's enough.

My friends are my estate.
                                   - Emily Dickinson


  1. Through all the posts, tweets, pics and more I have lived through you all and get more sad that I still was unable to be there yet again. And yet it almost feels like I was (minus the raging hangover I know I would have had - and vomit crusted clothes)

    I love planning events. It's my crack. If you all are planning a Forks 2012 I would dig helping you all pull it off. Especially since I will live 800 miles closer to Forks than I do now. I've planned
    Walk/Runs for charity and dug the stress!! Which is hilarious since I can't even handle the stress of parenting my 3 year old lately...

    Shove your memories of Forks down our throat. We don't mind.

    Cancer sucks.

  2. 1. Watching you make sweet oral love to that cupcake was fan-fucking-tastic! I'm just glad you lived to face another day ;)
    2. There is never, ever to much talk when it come to Forks.
    3. This was one of the most hilarious, sqee-ingest, drunkest, dance-floor-grindingest, nature- oglingest times ever!!! Thanks so fucking much ladies for all that you did!!!
    4. Shit. I forgot the rest of what I was gonna say

  3. @Twi Twat Rot - You LIKE that kind of stress?! We'll be in touch when we figure out a 2012 get-together... mwah!

    @Muffin Top - I'm sorry that you had to witness that spectacle - I'm just glad it went down on Friday night and not Saturday night because otherwise people might have thought I'd succumbed to death by cupcake (and vodka - a very well-intentioned but ill-fated highball of near-straight vodka).

  4. I'm not sure why you couldn't get to La Push. My girlfriends and I have been going there every year for the past 3 years and staying in a cabin on first beach. Just curious...

  5. FORKS! I love you guys! That's all!

  6. Those cupcakes were fucktastic, no joke. I don't blame you for whatever heinous things you did to yours - it was a dirty, naughty cupcake and deserved whatever it got. ;)

    *sigh* I can't say too much about this year. For me, SOOOOOOO much better than last year for so many reasons. I love all of you. If this is your legacy, or even if it isn't, thank you - all of you - for this. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you all this year.

  7. haha! the tiki was named 'oliver' and the old professor was played by none other than vincent price in that old brady bunch goes to hawaii episode.

    trivial knowledge. it's a curse.

  8. the friendships i've made on this trip are unbelievable. i am bummed that this will be the last twitarted goes to Forks trip, but i can guarantee you that me and the girls will meet up again.

    thank you for all the work you did Twitarted h00rs! i hope you know how much this has meant to all of us. i'm pretty sure you do!

    @muffintop i'll never forget when you sat at our table and the first thing out of your mouth was "if i was going down on a lady she would have to be bare" ....and thats when i fell in love with you!

    @rottymama your kindness and donations will forever be in my heart. i feel blessed to be in the same room with you!

    @musingbella i was so happy that i got to hug you! i will meet up with you again. i'm pretty sure if twitarted doesn't plan a trip next year all the other h00rs will.

    thanks twitarted for letting me meet these amazing women who a few of them have become my best friends! you know who you are!

    p.s. i'm the one who got escorted by the Forks police when i was walking home behind the hotel trying to change my phone battery.......sorry!

  9. If this is your legacy, you can die happy one day. You've changed lives here, yall, which I find so hilariously ironic since you set out to make fun of twilight, and yet here we are. I've learned so much from the friends I've made here, and hell, I followed you crazy h00rs across the country TWICE. Just... you've changed my life (for the way better - that's implied, right?). Like, the way, way better.

    And, also, uh... LET'S GO BACK! Heh. I mean that, though. For serious. PitA to get there, but it's so soul-stirringly beautiful.

    JJ, thanks for being your crazy self and forcing STY into this trip for the first time last year. :)

  10. I love cupcakes!

    I love Twitarded!

    Hmmmm Twitarded cupcakes.....

    Please continue with the Forks 2011 reminisces *sits back and waits patiently with a VERY interested expression*

  11. My drive from Forks to Seattle took 4 hours - I went around - instead of the ferry.

    All I can stay is this trip was awesome and I met some Ah-mazing peoples. I cant wait to do it again...

    THanks to STY, LKW and JJ for being the fearless leaders of this collection of, H00rs.


  12. I have not been on either of your forks trips and, both years, after reading your posts about the trips I have been sad that I didn't go.

    You know something.. with all of the hoopla that goes on in this fandom (yes I'm talking about THAT hoopla) I have tended to kind of pull away from everything. When it became not fun anymore.. when the in-fighting got to be the majority of what everyone was talking about, I just decided to pull back into my own little world.

    Reading your post today, your last paragraph in particular I realize that the fun wasn't gone... I just needed to know where to look for it.

    That you "organized", and I use that term in its loosest sense of course, this trip twice now is quite the achievement. And I would say to you... you have quite the legacy, and you should be proud.. because in a fandom that started out as a bright spot that became a very dark, not fun place for a lot of us... you have remained a glimmer that refuses to be dimmed. And I appreciate that.

  13. well said Kelly :)))

  14. Like everyone has said, if this is your legacy then you should be proud! Your blog has done so many wonderful things and I am so very grateful, because without it I wouldn't have as many wonderful women in my life ♥

    Thanks so much for all the hard work you ladies put in to planning this amazing trip. I had the time of my life and made memories that I will keep with me forever!

    You guys are the best! xoxo

  15. What I learned on my trip to Forks?? That apparently I'm a RL lurker *hangs head*.

    I'm sorry I didn't get to spend time with more of you, but apparently mingling just isn't my thing (as in, I just can't bring myself to do it!).

    Having said that, I had the holiday of a lifetime. My sister and I can't remember the last time that we laughed so much (I know we weren't the only ones to spot the man in the denim skirt in the Hoh!!) and we saw so much of the amazing Olympic National Park. I never made it back for the saturday night as we were racing (by which I mean she was racing, I was wheezing after her begging her to slow down) through a forest at Cape Flattery hoping to see the sunset and get back to the car before we were attacked by any cougars or bears (yeah, thanks to whatever twatwaffle that decided it best to put the warning sign at the END of the f'ing trail!).

    Anyway, I never would have gone without you guys, and if anybody threatens me with violence when I try to show them yet another photo of a tree, I'll be blaming you for that too ;o)

    MWAH! xxx

  16. Oh, and I totally forgot to mention how amazing it was to meet up with my girls - Lisa, Amy & Sharon xx

  17. Your nutty little blog made me cry again. You really have created something to be proud of and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for entertaining me more than you could ever imagine and helping me meet my very best friends. I love you guys and am indebted to you for life!! XOXOXO

    (Um, I didn't know we weren't allowed to take sand and rocks from the La Push (baby) beach... It's been a year now, so does that mean I'm curse free?)

  18. Jesus Fucking Elk Fucker...someone pass me the Kleenex.

    ***sniff sniff***

    Deb...if this is your legacy, I want you to know how it's changed my life. Truly, I have met and fallen headlong in love with chicas I would never have met but for your "silly little blog".

    I cannot even imagine my life without these very special women. They (and YOU) have brought true JOY back into my life. Don't even get me started about what it's done for my marriage. David is having the time of his life on this ride with me...we've always been solid...but being Twitards has added a dimension we never expected.

    Gah...I'm getting sappy. I just love you bitches so hard.

    I understand we can't go back every year...but the very thought that I won't see you again is HEINOUS. Fuck Twilight...fuck Rob (please)...fuck everything else. We will be together again one day.

    We totally took both sand & rocks from the beach. I think we need to be punished by a certain cold, sparkly fucker. **bends over**


  19. Forks2011 was so great! I mean 2010 was epic but I only stayed one night.. This time the whole weekend was awesome!

    I was so glad to meet everyone/see peeps again, its so beautiful in Forks, I hope the tradition continues....

    As for event planning, its what I do - I've been planning a 20'000 person halloween club crawl for past few months and did my highschool reunion a few yrs ago.... So let me help you next time ;)

    Next time... Can't wait!!

    The memories created there are eternal! Not just the place but the people.... Cherished every moment--thanks for making it happen!

    Remember vancouver must be in the 3 year plan!!! I can hook-up some epic stuff here ;) mwahahahaha--- passports needed so peeps can plan ahead now ;)

  20. I was reading the comments all day but didn't have time to respond (also still hate that you can't respond to each comment under each one like you could in Disqus) so I am going to do it now... I know that nobody is likely to come back to check in, but this one meant a lot to me and so did the comments, so I'mma do it anyway. If a blogger leaves a comment on a 20-hour-old post, does it make a sound??? Er, or something like that... Whatevs - humor me.

    @pillowbiteraml - I'm not sure on this, but I think that there is an actual "La Push beach" that is not open to tourists/the public and only the local native population can use it? Something different than First Beach or Second Beach of the other beaches in the area? Anyone??? Ok that's a lot of question marks...

    @rottymama - I second your FORKS!!! You did such an awesome job with the centerpieces and the raffle - thanks again for making that happen - it just added so much to the overall get-together. Mwah! : )

    @Musing Bella - I like the way you think - that cupcake totally had it coming!

    @caninecologne - ha! I forgot it was Vincent Price in that episode! But wasn't "Oliver" the name of the little blonde/towhead kid with the bowl haircut that was in some of the later episodes? I don't remember the tiki having a name... but then again I don't remember what I had for breakfast today, either, so...

    @libbybelle - I just got such a great idea after reading your comments about things that happened in Forks (your intro to @muffintop in particular lol)- I need to collect great anecdotes like that and share them with everyone! I wish I could have been at every table, listening in... and maybe more sober so I would have remembered it all crystal-clear the next day lol...

    @My After Car - You - YOU! - mwah! I still can't believe I had the pleasure of your company again this year, and I can't tell you hom much it meant to all of us that you chose to be there - you are a hardcore Twitard! There oughta be an award or trophy or something (the people who showed up with infant twins last year would have gotten an honorable mention too lol).

  21. ...and continuing on (was too afraid to do it in one shot - what if I lost it?! gah!!) -

    @Nix - I think someone needs to make some Twatwaffle cupcakes for our next get-together (just keep them away from me lol).

    @Tigerkitten36 - I have no idea why it took us so long - but we did train a rickety old RV forever on the 101 and then hit MAJOR traffic on the I-5 - ugh! OK i have to get back to my cocktail (complete with festive umbrella), lady h00rs!

    @Kelly - YOUR comment made me really remember how much fuckery we have NOT had to put up with here! It's some sort of odd miracle - we are so insulated, somehow, and I am so oblivious lol - that I don't even know what hoopla you are referring to (and I'm totally good with that). Thanks for the perspective. : )

    LuvsMeSumEdward - {{{sniff}}} It makes me really, really happy to know that it was definitely worth it and that people had as good if not better time than last year!

    @Stan - the fact that you had the holiday of a lifetime is enough for me. Also, you win the "Cutest Accent" award - lol!

    @TwiloveSue - We missed you so much this year!!! And yes, I think the curse is null & void after a year. Probably. Baby.

    @Mama Cougar - YOUR comment totally has me tearing up! So touche... It was so good to see you, your husband is awesome, I died laughing when you walked off down the street on Sunday and said you did that thing we talked about, and we will definitely see each other again one day in the not-too-distant future. Also, I still need the story of PFach & The Hair. : )

    @Mandy - I will totally take you up on some help next go-round because it definitely wasn't something we had a clue how to do - it's a miracle there weren't any major disasters - lol! Also would love to visit Vancouver some day - guess it's time to get a passport (no idea how I have managed to not need one yet, but there you go). : )

    Love you guys so much - glad everyone had as much fun as I did and that is was as special for everyone... And happy that those who couldn't be there with us are not tired of being regaled with our tales of debauchery and cupcake molesting yet!


  22. I totally came back to the post to see if my question was answered. Thanks for the semi-clarification/re-question...?? The mystery still remains. I'm sure I could find the answer somewhere...

  23. oh and STY+cupcake=a new kinda porn... no joke you were all up in that thing and enjoying it ha ha ;)

    I am pretty sure IF video exsisted it could make a pretty penny in some strange sex websites ;) just saying..

    LOL <3

  24. @STY - yes, Oliver as also the name of that lame blond boy who appeared in the later episodes (when the Brady Bunch really jumped the shark)...but yes, the tiki is named oliver because crazy old vincent price is talking to it in that episode.

    looks like you gals had a fab time in forks! i enjoyed reading everyone's posts on it! :)

  25. I was really wanting to go this year but...well no excuse is good enough!

    I am sorry to hear that the first tasting of huckleberry JJ had was taffy - that crap is just that!

    Living in the huckleberry area of the US I can say that if she would try something with the real fruit on it or in it - like jam or pancakes - she (I hope) would have a different opinion of it. They are wonderful little purple berrys.

    JJ - send me your address and I'll make sure you get the real thing! And stay away from the taffy!

    I am glad to hear you all had such a great time!

  26. Sniff!

    I echo all the comments about legacies and proudness and fuckawesomeness. ILYSFM.

    And now for another Hawaii plug. I really hope some Twitards are able to make it, I know it's a long way (physically and time-wise), but hey, most of you don't need passports, and it's closer for those of us in the Southern Hemisphere. Please follow.

  27. FYI... we do come back to read the rest of the comments :) I do, at least. Xoxo.

  28. I am so in love with these comments. I know I'm a little late to the party as usual but... I love you guys.

    @Kelly - your comment was amazing.

    @Stan - I was so happy to have met you, even if it was brief. Do what you have to do, ya know? It's all good. The fact that you had a good time is THE most important thing. It was our goal to try and make sure everyone enjoyed themselves.


  29. Wow... I really have no words. When I look around this crazy corner of the fandom, it makes me all gooey to see the friendships formed through Twitarded.

    I don't know what I'd do without my Twitarded family to make me giggle every day...


  30. I don't know what to say except thank you and I love you. I am living the best life I could ever imagine all because of Twitarded and STY you know that I am not making that up. Thank you

  31. Is this where I DON'T admit the reason my suitcase was over 50 pounds on the way home is because of smuggled rocks and sand?? And maybe a type of silverware....??
    Seriously, though, I am still fairly new to Twitarded but I was amazed at how welcomed and loved I felt from the moment I met everyone, starting Wednesday night. You all are amazing and I look forward to seeing you again...sometime...somewhere...soon!

  32. @prstlk - I know this is ridiculously late but... I'm willing to give Huckleberry another try. That piece of taffy was like sucking a really rubbery, flowery, nasty... thing. But I'll give it another shot. Reach out to me at and we'll work something out. And thanks for the offer!! :)

  33. Thanks for posting this. I remember one trip to a mountain near to my city. We go to climb and on the top of the mountain we found some big trees.

  34. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.


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