Sunday, October 23, 2011

We Named Our Baby Renesmee

I spent this weekend up in the north Maine woods. I'm talking way up there -- near the top of Moosehead Lake. And guess what? The cabin we were staying in had no fucking wi-fi. Can you believe that shit? And my piece of shit AT&T phone had no fucking service. There's nothing worse than turning on your phone and seeing the words "NO SERVICE" -- it's unnerving really. So I was basically off the grid this weekend and holy shit, it's good to be home.

See that red A? That's where I was. Middle of nowhere! 

With no wi-fi and no TV and no open restaurants in the vicinity of the cabin (and by vicinity, I mean closer than 45 minutes away), we were forced to sustain ourselves at a local sandwich shop. We figured it was better than going hungry -- or trying to survive on candy bars, Pop Tarts and Miller Lite. Although I wasn't completely against that. While waiting for our sandwiches and boneless buffalo wings, I perused the local magazine stand. And much to my delight, hiding behind a Guns and Ammo, was this....


I scooped it up and skipped around the store like a mad woman, much to the dismay of Mr. Latchkey who nearly rolled his eyeballs right out of their sockets. Poor guy... he only wishes I got that excited over him. I figured I had enough time to look at the pretty pictures so I wouldn't need to spend the $5.99 -- besides, I didn't have any cash on me and asking the hubs for six bucks to buy a Twilight magazine is like asking Ronald McDonald for a Whopper. A giant no way Jose!

The pictures were pretty -- nothing I hadn't seen before. A little too many non-Rob photos. I really don't give a rats ass about the wolf pack. And then I saw it. Just a page before the end of the magazine. A headline I prayed I would never see in print.

"We Named Our Baby Renesmee"

You what the whaaaaat?


Let's just recap here for a minute. Is the woman in this picture Bella? No. Is the man in this picture Edward? Fuck, no. Then what the fuck were they thinking?? I'm going to guess that this woman's mother's name is NOT Renee and that the man's mother's name is no fucking way Esme. I know it's really a "to each his/her own" but for me, this question springs immediately to mind: Why on EARTH would you saddle your child with that abomination of a name?

What makes this even weirder is that it was the husband's idea to name the baby... he came up with the idea when he was reading Breaking Dawn right before his baby was due. And in case you can't read the actual article, the mother was even more excited when their daughter "turned out to be the spitting image of the bronze-haired part-vamp, part-human child." I call bullshit -- since you people don't look anything like these people.


There is no way you can make a baby that would look like what Edward gnawed out of Bella's uterus. Just not going to happen. But I'm sure your daughter will thank you when she's in school and is endlessly mocked for her name. Maybe... if she's lucky... the whole Twilight craze will be over by then and she'll just spend the rest of her life correcting the pronunciation and spelling of Ruh-NEZ-may.

34 comments:

  1. That's all kinds of wrong! I get shit for just for naming my cat Bella.

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  2. I just want to stab those people in the eye.

    I fucking HATE that name. SM should be stabbed for that one too actually.

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  3. Geez, don't people realize what kind of serious damage they do to their kids when they name them weird ass names?

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  4. I didn't buy this magazine either, but a friend at work gave it to me. WIN!

    Really. Some people probably shouldn't be allowed to breed. That's just all kinds of wrong! I HATED that name in BD and I really feel sorry for that kid. Those of you who complain that your SOs won't read Twilight, should rethink that. Look what happened to this guy!

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  5. There is something wrong with me and naming their kids I tell you!

    When I was pregnant with my first child, the father and I fought over names. I was stuck on Xander (I admit, I had a Buffy obsession) and he wasn't.

    We finally agreed on Shane and our son taking his Dad's last name, Dockins.

    Now came the part where I realized my sons father was a complete fucking redneck idiot.

    He wanted our son's middle name to be Thomas. Shane Thomas Dockins?

    STD?! STD?!?! This man is a complete moron and I think it was that moment that I realized there was no way I was going to marry the dude.

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  6. People are so delusional about their own spawn. When they were casting for the part, did you seen the pictures people put out there saying their baby would make the perfect Renesmee? Ugh. These are the same parents who let their children try out for American Idol saying they've got a great voice and they're the ones we all laugh at.

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  7. Hey, don't shit on me, but I actually like, well, really love, the name Renesmee. And her nickname too, Nessie (sorry, Bella, it should have been obvious to you..)-and would have named my own daughter (if I had one, instead of 2 boys) Sharraheidi, after my sis and cousin. So guess I'm kicked out of Twitarded now, huh? ): Doesn't anybody else like the name too?

    btw, lkw, I've been "up north" once, and it was like being on the moon-creepy! Portland has spoiled me...everything within 15 mins of my house!

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  8. However, those people are not pretty vampires (ok seriously, they are fugly!) and should be drained of their life's blood and attacked by angry werewolves for daring to presume upon the lovely Renesmee's name!!! Just sayin'

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  9. er, Robbie-fingers got tangled in disgust...

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  11. There is nothing nice I can say in response to this article. Nothing.

    It's nice to have you back, LKW.

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  12. The Not!Edward and Not!Bella couple who named their kid Reneesme look like people you'd find at Walmart! Oh the redneck humanity.

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  13. Six more months in therapy and blame your mother...srsly people?! Ack!

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  14. No..just NO! you can't .....it wouldn't even......when you.....aahhhhh.... *runs off to find help for that poor child*

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  15. Ridiculous. That poor little girl.

    Honestly, the thing I found the most shocking is that the parents are in their late 20's.... REALLY?! I thought the mom looked about 20 years older! :O

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  16. Um, I don't even know what to say...

    I was reading a fundraiser - something that was retweeted by PFach about a child with cancer - and the little girl's name was "Bella" (or Isabella) and they also happened to mention Bella's older sibling...[wait for it...]...Jasper. I get being a fan - BELIEVE me, I get being a fan, but really people???

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  17. I'm calling Child Protective Services.

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  18. Those parents = Ham Beasts. I hope they don't read this blog ;)

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  19. Why the hell is it that for all the men who refuse to play along re Twilight, the only one who does is this giant blob?

    Anyway, part of me was afraid to travel into the unknown to Forks this year because -- what if all the Twitards looked like these folks?

    How sad then, and yet how fitting in a way, that when Gus's group picture from Forks came out, I was the one who looked most like them.

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  20. Er, I have to say that the raking the parents over the coals for their looks (and not their poor baby-naming skills) is bumming me out a tad. Maybe it's just The Mondays. Blerg.

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  21. I hate to tell these two wackos, but even a bite from a Cullen could not turn them beautiful! Not sure what horrifies me more, naming the child "THAT NAME" or being so damn stupid to think it would be great for a big ass photo and article to run in a National Magazine. Dean needs a copy of this picture to keep these crazy jackasses away from the Precious!

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  22. I figure if I used the same formula, my half demon spawn would be named either Maryleen or Kathlou. Neither of which are very attractive.

    What I want to know is was this baby born with a full set of teeth? And if not, how could she say it was the spitting image? Huh?

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  23. I'm a teacher. If this poor kid somehow some day showed up in my classroom, there's no way I'd be able to call on her without gigglesnorting. Every. Single. Time.

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  24. I get shit all the time for naming my daughter Bella Rose (her first name, two words, don't ask). Thing is, she was born about a year before I had ever heard of Twilight. When they find out she was born on September 13th, they absolutely do not believe that I didn't give her a Twiname.

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  25. So where do I donate to the fund for the psychiatric care this kid is going to need?

    And I thought the *older* woman who got her back tatted up with Twilight was bad...

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  26. I sure hope this kid has a normal middle name, that's all I keep thinking. Maybe the kid can go by Anne, or Hell, even Carly (Carlie?)

    I like the name Renesmee for Twilight... but TWILIGHT IS NOT REAL LIFE.

    People are so weird.

    PS What is on that dude's shirt???

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  27. WHY?!?! That poor little girl, she is going to be scarred for the rest of her life. A agree, hopefully she has a normal middle name she can go by.

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  28. Well renesmee wasn't made up by twilight my sister was named that 33 years ago n there hell wasnt no twilight books back than !!

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  29. What the fuck?? That girl looks nothing like Renesmee! One: Renesmee is pretty. That girl is as ugly as hell. Two: Renesmee has brown hair. That girl has horrible dishwater blonde hair. Three: Renesmee is skinny. That girl looks really fat. This girl looks nothing like Renesmee so her parents are stupid for thinking she does. What kind of idiots are they? Big ones is the answer, for thinking that ugly piece of shit they call their daughter looks anything like Renesmee. I hate them both for comparing that sad little loser to somebody like Renesmee. They're stupid. That's the truth. Get a life and rename your daughter. How about Olivia? She looks like an Olivia. A plain unattractive name for a very plain very unattractive girl. Besides, those adults must be about fifty. They're too old to watch twilight, and too uncool. Their daughter is so uncool as well.

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    Replies
    1. You are the nasty peice of shit here for bashing on an innocent child and calling her names like that her parents might not be so bright but you my ignorant friend sound so much more fucking stupid then they do talking like that about a child!! I could careless how old this post is but your reply is just beyond fucking disgusting!! And I sure as hell hope you cannot ever have children and are infertile you nasty ass bitch!

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  30. Would you all feel better if it was spelled different? Renezme is a real name and in baby books. I like it. And my little girl is named bella not Isabella just bella and I love it and it wasn't because of twilight even though everyone asks.

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  31. you are all sad pathetic people to be sat typing such stupid comments and calling young children whats up did you get bullied growing up and feel the need to slate others i named my child renesmay because i love the sound of the name and its unusual and there are a million people out there with the same boring name why does everything have to be the same everything is about change and doing things differently each to there own harriot little you are a twisted person and i hope you never have any children if you talk about others in that way its discusting look at the state of your hair WTF

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