We've obviously spoiled you by posting within a relevant time frame. Duly noted.
That being said, ask and you shall receive. This critique is part one of...who the fuck knows. I imagine we all have a lot to say about this movie. Just think of this post as a sort of drive-by critique. I can assure you that both Snarkier Than You and Latchkey Wife have a much better ability to focus on something for more than two seconds, which is usually how long I can pay attention at any given moment.
Let's begin, shall we?
Someone just explained to Judge Judy what imprinting was...
Breaking Dawn: Part 1 was amazing. Everything about it was fucking perfect and I was orgasming rainbows by the time STY and I left the theater. It was the most pristine cinematic masterpiece I've ever seen. Oscar-worthy, even.
Nah, I'm just fucking with ya. While overall I thought this was the best movie out of all of them (well, not including Twilight, which will always remain number one in my book, despite of and because of all it's campy spider-monkey hokey-ness) there were still a few things that were, shall we say, totally fucking cringe-worthy. Yet, there were golden moments, too.
Anyway. In no particular order, rhyme or reason...
First of all, the humans are a huge win for me in every movie. Billy Burke as Charlie melts my cold little heart every time and when he doesn't, he's making me laugh my ass off. The speech he did at the wedding had me rolling. He's a great actor and a perfect choice for Charlie.
Speaking of laughing, Anna Kendrick as Jessica is, as usual, hysterical. She has those snotty little teenage nuances down pat - the little snide laugh, the passive aggressive quips and comments. I almost died during the beginning of the wedding scene when she asked Angela if she thought Bella would be showing with that smug little look on her face. Priceless.
The whole wedding scene was...interesting. I liked how Bill Condon incorporated music from Twilight (I think it was Bella's lullaby or the Iron & Wine song - I forget) - that was a nice touch and it really tied all four movies together.
I know there was a whole hullaboo about Bella's wedding dress but...I wasn't entirely impressed. Someone else said something that completely summed it up for me (and for the life of me I can't remember who but if you're reading this please let me know so I can credit you!!). They said Bella's dress was like a mullet - party in the back and business in the front. I couldn't agree more.
Fuck the dress. Let's just stare at this guy.
The Denali sisters freaked me the fuck out. I didn't think they were pretty (in their defense, someone gave them contacts the color of dog piss and it was really unnerving) and the acting was stiff and flat.
THE HONEYMOON (aka "Let's NOT Really Get it On")
We all knew this was going to be a fade-to-black sex scene. Despite that, I'm sure many of you (like myself) were hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, they would give us a little more than a breaking headboard and a couple of thrusts.
Annnd cut!! Shortest sex scene EVER.
Actually, I thought the whole montage for the honeymoon was really cute. Bella with her human moments, Edward being an emo baby about bruising Bella and then Bella trying to seduce him in any which way she can. Well done, guy who made this movie. Well done.
HOWEVER, the first time I watched this movie I thought I saw...something. Something that probably shouldn't have been in a PG-13 movie. It was only there for two seconds and at first I thought I was imagining it but when I saw BD the second time IT WAS STILL THERE. When Bella and Edward are making kissy-kissy in the bed, you totally catch a glimpse of KStew's nipple.
Considering the fact that Godzilla could be lumbering down the street behind me and I wouldn't even notice, I'm very impressed with myself for seeing it.
RANDOM SEGUE INTO ACTING CHOPS
Speaking of KStew, her acting has improved quite a bit and it shows in BD. There is far less twitching and minimal bellowing and HOLY SHIT SHE SMILES. Like, more than once. Kristen Stewart is very, very beautiful and I was glad to see her shine a little in this movie.
On the other hand, I feel like Robert Pattinson fell a little...flat. For a good part of the beginning half, it just seemed like there was something missing from his acting. Or maybe he was always like that but I never noticed because Bella's facial tics and mini-seizures were always so distracting. I will say he amped it up and pulled through toward the end but it was definitely a little rough in the beginning.
Whatever. I'd still do him.
Leah (Julia Jones) was another actress that I really enjoyed watching. I think she really brought the character of Leah to life and did wish that she had a little more on-screen time. Another "wolf" that I thought showed a decent amount of talent was Seth (BooBoo Stewart). He was very endearing and utterly adorable (I mean that in the most non-sexual, maternal way, Chris Hansen. Call your dogs off).
Before I forget I just wanted to say something quickly about Jasper. Really, it will only take one word - POSSIBLY. As in, you couldn't have possibly delivered that one line even more horribly than you did. I love the Rathbone, I really do. But he managed to kill that whole scene in one little word.
THE WOLVES (oh fuck it, you know which scene I'm about to talk about)
The wolves were...kind of silly looking in BD. I swear they looked better in Eclipse and I'll leave this to one of my fellow writers to do a comparison because it's been three days since I actually saw the movie and my memory is starting to fade.
But more importantly, how high was EVERYONE involved in this movie when they filmed the "wolf-pack breakup" scene??? You know, the one where Sam turns into the goddamn anti-christ and/or Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction and then Jacob rebels and sounds like fucking Moses on the Mountain or something?
Sam and Jake have a pack meeting. And it's not to discuss what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France..
It was mortifying to watch. I actually had to cover my eyes.
MAKEUP, WIGS AND COSTUMES, OH MY (mostly)
The Twilight Saga has been plagued with atrocious costumes, hideous-to-the-point-of-offensive wigs and makeup that sometimes look like a seven year old slapped some lipstick on Edward but BD: Part 1 wasn't by far the worst offender. Yes, Jasper still looked like he had a Shih Tzu balanced on his head but at least this time someone had groomed the poor dog before strapping it on. Rosalie actually looked really fabulous and Alice was (as usual) touch and go. Sometimes she looked beautiful, other times she looked like a psychotic fairy with plastic hair.
And Edward looked fuckable. Of course. The bouffant was kind of back, which was nice.
Bad, Jasper's wig! Bad! Don't wipe your ass on the carpet!!
It was Carlisle who took the brunt of the ugly stick this time. Handsome, kind, Carlisle looked like a cross between Powder and George McFly (if you don't know who that is, just pretend). Whoever decided they should give Carlisle a limp, shaggy comb-over had clearly participated in the "wolf-pack breakup" the night before and was obviously wickedly hungover.
Now just imagine the blond hair...
Personally, I could forgive all this for the sole reason that they did a spectacular job making Bella look all dying and then dead and stuff. Really. I thought the makeup/effects during the pregnancy was very realistic and relatively graphic. It was so good that I hardly noticed how bad any of the other Cullens looked once Bella got knocked up.
THE MOTHERFUCKING SPAWN IS IN THE HOUSE, YO (aka, little girls everywhere are swearing they will never get pregnant after watching this movie)
As I said before, the makeup/effects during the pregnancy was spot-on. The actual, break-backing, womb-tearing pregnancy was off the fucking hook. I honestly wondered how they were going to do it and I genuinely thought there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that they would be able to pull it off. Yet, they did. It was brutal and rough and everyone involved performed really well and it was a great scene**.
Dear Renesmee, you ended up with your dumbass name because you fucked mommy up when she was pregnant. Love, Bella.
I just want to know what sound effect they used to simulate Edward ripping into Bella's womb. I had no idea that's what the sound of vampire teeth against, well, vampire embryonic sac would sound like.
Then again, I never actually thought about it.
Anyhoo, the spawn was birthed, Rosalie fell in love with her, Jacob fell in love with her WAY more than Rosalie did and Bella was left lying in a hospital dead, all dying and stuff. I'd go into the whole imprinting thing but... nah. I'll leave that for the others.
The end. Well, until next year, when we get to watch two hours of a non-fight with the Volturi.
Please let us know what YOU thought. And stay tuned for more critiques galore!!
** I reserve the right to completely change my mind about this scene when STY and I go to the movies again this weekend. Actually, that goes for the whole movie...