Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Ok, I Did, But You Didn't.

As a general rule, I like to avoid any television program with crackheads and / or women giving birth in toilets. I do really enjoy watching The Soup though. In thirty minutes I can find out everything I didn't really miss on TV that week. One of the new staples of The Soup is the TLC show I Didn't Know I was Pregnant.

Alternate title: I Done Birthed my Youngin' in a Toilet

From the snippets I've seen, this show is full of total crackheads women with curious tics who drop babies out of their cooters like some kind of sadistic vending machine. Watching clips from this show prompted the following conversation in our house.

Me: [staring slack-jawed at the TV] You know that deal we made 'lo those many years ago about how we would never, ever, ever walk in on each other when we were on the toilet? 
Mr. TK: [almost catatonic from shock] Yep.
Me: If you hear something that sounds like an elderly wildebeest caught in a wood chipper while I'm in the bathroom, I need you to break that rule and check on me. 
Mr. TK: Can we change the subject?

Why on earth are we talking about this? Because the TK household is expecting a (hopefully fangless) Renesmee any week now. I have my fingers crossed I deliver somewhere respectable like a taxi or mall parking lot. I've been pretty scarce the last several months due to my normal crazy schedule, coupled with incessant puking and a frenzied house hunt. I expect to be even less present in the next several weeks as we close on the new house, renovate it, move and oh yeah, have a newborn during that time. I would be on a Xanax Grey Goose IV drip right now if I could.

The few people I've told about the alien in my belly have asked about gifts. I can't even express how humbled I am by people's generosity. We honestly don't need anything. Mr. TK is ready to divorce me if I bring home another pair of baby shoes or another article of clothing. I might have gone a little overboard with shopping. I don't care what anyone says, every newborn needs twenty-five pairs of shoes. Sure, the baby will be sleeping in a Bacardi's box until we get moved, but that will work itself out. Probably. 

 Do NOT enlarge this photo. My hands look like Estelle Getty's. Post mortem.

How could I not buy this? You know I have sparkly shoes and a tutu skirt to match.

We have been very fortunate the boy has always been healthy. I can't even think about parents who have not been as fortunate. (No, really. I can't think about it. I have these crazy hormones that make me cry constantly and tear someone's head off Alice-style the next second.) As much as I am flattered by gift offers, I would much rather people make a donation to Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation. This cause is so important to me that I am literally taking my laptop to the hospital to write this crazy fic story. This is me shamelessly begging for donations. Don't make me beg...more than I am.

Fear not, (or maybe you should be very afraid) I am not going anywhere. You can't get rid of me that easily. STY would have to revoke my admin rights and that's not likely. Probably.


  1. Holy shit you're naming your baby Renesmee Latchkey Snarky Jerkface??? You are the BEST! And I wouldn't revoke your admin rights even if you wanted me to...which you might sometimes.

  2. Congratulations!

    I suspect you're really taking your laptop with you to the hospital so you don't miss any of the action around the premiere! And who could blame you? Gah! The pretty pictures just keep on coming!

    UNCLE already! I give up! Its too much! I'ma have some kind of . . . something! I can't even think of a wprd! The beauty is affecting my brain.

    Please don't name her Renesmee.

  3. CONGRATS!! Let me know after she's born whether or not you change your opinion about the "demon spawn" that's Renesmee. :)

  4. Yaaaaay! Okay if I make a donation, then can I send you something?

    Also, that show freaks me out. Talk about a severe case of denial. A baby kicking does NOT feel like indigestion at 6+ months, unless indigestion regularly shoves its foot into your ribcage. Ah, pregnancy is such a magical time :)

    And, @STY, I think "Texas-Princess-Consuela-Bananahammock-XKR" has a better ring to it.

  5. Jesus, TK, why didn't you let us know sooner that you were expecting?

    Anyway, CONGRATS!!!

  6. Congratulations on the new addition to your family.

  7. Your husband is just going to have to accept the fact that having a daughter is the best excuse for buying more shoes! Congratulations. X

  8. @STY--Shh! Don't spill the beans on the name! We're going to pronounce 'Jerkface' with an Italian accent.

    @My After Car--I'm registered at the Neiman's shoe department. I think she's going to be born with a size 7.5 foot...

    Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone!

  9. Right there with you TK! I'm due November 19th. Could I cut it any closer? I've had multiple conversations with my boy, and while he hasn't verbally agreed and refuses to sign a contract, I think I'll make the opening of BD fully pregnant which will be HYS-TERICAL. We don't have anything really set up except a play yard and far too many clothes for a little boy.

    FYI, in case you didn't know, November's birthstone is Topaz. Just sayin'.

  10. Yeah!!, Congratulations!!!, So happy for you!!
    Every girl needs great shoes. I'll bet Renesmee has Stu's shoes. Just ask My After Car (my own lovely child), my grandbaby has outfits with matching shoes. It's a girl's God-given right.
    Once again, soooo happy for you.

  11. Enjoy dressing up that baby girl. I have two boys so I've had to take advantage of my sweet niece in order to get my cute clothing quota. She's 7 now and isn't as accommodating as she used to be!

    Congratulations. I hope all goes quickly and with a good epidural if that's your poison of choice.

  12. Congratulations, TK!!

    Amazing news!!!

    ....and a GIRL child? An actual reason for shopping for female-oriented clothing items?!? As a mother of a boy child, I die!! ;)

  13. I never understood how one didnt know they were pregnant? The river denial is long and deep (TWSS) for some.

    Congrats on your baby girl, I have two that have grown out to the cute dresses and matching shoes stage. My oldest (11) wants to wear black boots all the time, Ummm...we live in Florida.

    The youngest (8) scared me this summer, we hosted and exchange student from Spain, the kids played dress up in her clothes and shoes.
    She STRUTED around the house like wearing heels are her regular shoes. This one I have to watch out for.

    Considering it's November...I think if I remember correctly, didnt you post those hot ass photos of you in the heels sometime in February?

    Congrats again TK

  14. Congrats! Make sure you take all of the crazy and duplicate gifts back right now and get more diapers because after the baby is born you probably won't want to do much of anything for a while.

    @Tigerkitten36 HA-HA!!! And I'm sure TK will be REALLY glad she took those pre-baby pictures. I know I wish I had done something so ballsy.

    Not sure what your poison of choice is for the birth, but with my first baby I was going to go au-naturale like my mom did. A few hours after labor started I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and the doctor said my heart would explode if I didn't do something about the stress. Then of course the baby got stuck and the doctor had to do what the nurses called a vaginal c-section. You do NOT want to know what that is. I went with plenty of drugs and a regular c-section the second time.

    Anywho... my second (yes you really can get pregnant while breast feeding but in hind-sight I'm really glad I did) was a girl. I'm not really a girly-girl but I did fall in love with some adorable little baby shoes which she promptly kicked off. I still have one of my favorites that I never did find the kicked-off-mate of (geez, my English sucks). The best thing was when I took her shopping by herself when she was about 4 and we had a blast picking out sun dresses and she declared "I LOVE shopping!" I guess it was worth having the second so I could have a girl.

  15. Congrats TK, didn't see that one coming ; 0

    Anyhow, I would just like to point out that TK looks like a super model during pregnancy (and then she reverts back to her bitchy, crabby, foul mouthed white trash self) post birth.

    I'm laughing at the SW shoes that appear to have been purchased, due to what appears to be the steering wheel of your car in the photo!

    And I've also learnt that Babies R Us do not allow crude or offensive language when writing a card with your online order! Who knew.

    So all the best girl!!!


  16. Congrats! I am always happy when cool people multiply.
    Good luck in the delivery room. Just be glad that Mr. TK won't be doing the C-Section with his teeth thing. (Probably one of the only things we wouldn't want Edward doing to us with his mouth...)
    Enjoy your new bundle!

  17. Holy shitballs, you're having a TexasRenesmee?!?!?! Awesomeness! Congrats babe, I'm so happy for you. Hope everything goes well in the delivery room. Hopefully nobody imprints on her!

    PS- you could totally be a celeb. Not telling everyone you're preggers until the baby actually pops out.

  18. Congrats TK!! Wishing you and your family the very best! xoxoxo

  19. OMG, CONGRATULATIONS to you and your husband!!!!!!

    Little boys are sooooo much fun!!!


  20. Aww, congrats, TK! :)

    And to you Suza Beth!

  21. Congrats TK, its a wild and wonderful ride parenthood! And for the birth bit - do it the way you want to but don't be afraid to ask for the epidural if that's your choice - it really does work :) (Mr TK will thank you for it afterwards, save you breaking some of his fingers!!)

  22. congratulations TK!
    In college I had a roommate who "didn't know she was pregnant". She swears she didn't know, I got ready every morning right next to her and I didn't know. It's some crazy shit. Apparently the rest of the college knew though because after she had the baby I heard about all the rumors.


  23. Congrats!

    We had a single, 40+ year old woman working as a clerk in our office a few years ago, who was moderately overweight. I couldn't tell she was preggers...No one else could tell, and we're a bunch of nurses (most with masters degrees) She left work one day with horrible flank pain and vomiting...UTI, right? No! She called the next day and told us she had a gahdamn baby that weighed 8lbs! She swears that she had no idea until the doctor told her and she started pushing. Freak!

  24. I just realized something. In January, TK did a post for Twitarded chronicling her quest for the ultimate portfolio of naked pictures of herself as a V-Day present for her husband. Nine months later, she announces to the rest of the Twitard- community that she's knocked up.

    Conclusion: nude photos of you really do magic. Now excuse me while I go and track down that photographer.

  25. I think Vitamin R has a nice ring to it....it could launch her rap career one day.

    Give little Snarkjenkeymygvit a pat for me.

  26. Sorry, but Jennifer is such a better name than "Texas-Princess-Consuela-Bananahammock-XKR." Duh.

    Seriously, CONGRATS! Is this the first time you have mentioned this in the blog, I hope so, otherwise I totally missed it.


  27. Wowee!! Another twi-baby!

    Amy's a really nice name. J/S.

    I love the comment above about the timing of your fabulous pictures - when was that exactly? Nine months ago?

    I am working on my goal, BTW. I meant it when I said you inspire me xxx

  28. A big congrats and all the good wishes in the world!

  29. Flippin' eck!

    JSYK, Chloe is a fantabulous name - that's why I chose it as my pseudonym ;-)

    But, on a completely different note, kudos to the Twitarded crew for keeping this little gem of info hidden from the rest of us for so long!

    I wish you the best for the birth, TK. Keep us informed, yeah?

    CC x

  30. CC - are you saying your pseudonym was not named after me?

    My middle name is Chloe. And I rock it.

    I suggest TexasChloe Renesmo Twitard Cullen-Swan. Catchy, yes?

  31. It's amazing that I didn't spill the beans on this one. I mean, as much as I wanted to tell everyone that TK is naming her new spawn Jenny Jerkface the Second (but not as exalted as the First) I didn't.

    I still can't believe people pop out babies without knowing they were pregnant. Blows my mind.

  32. Congrats on your new little twitard!!!! By looking at the photo of the onesie I'm assuming you know you are having a girl because even though I'm as accepting as the next twitard, putting that onesie on a baby boy would be all kinds of wrong. Would you kill me if I sent you a tiny pair of grungy chucks? Because, in my opinion, every girl should own a pair ;)

  33. Damn, I've been away too long!

    A new baby Twitard- Congrats TK!

  34. A BABY!! You're having a baby?!?! Congratulations!!

  35. Well this explains your absence in FORKS. You would have been one shitty drinking partner!

    Congrats, though! I'm insanely jealous...My baby fever is so high, I'm afraid I might turn into a zombie or something. And a girl? With your luck, she's gonna be the tomboy of all tomboys and refuse to wear skirts and heels. Then what? :)

    I'm so happy for you, TK!!

  36. Congratulations!!!! Oh and I fucking love that you love The Soup!!! Joel Mchale is sooo fuckin sexy and hilarious!!! Also I am very happy that you aren't one of those smug pregnant women. If you don't know what I am talking about look up Garfunkel and Oates Pregnant Women Are Smug on youtube lol

  37. Trying to post on this post for the #257275 time - Twitarded keeps making them vanish - I know I bullshit and stuff, but really? One more asshole posting should not crash the internet. After all, Rush posts everyday.

    Adonica Shelley Skye Chloe JJ works. Hey - you live in the South - names are different down there, right?

  38. Simply put - congratulations on your Mini TK :) So happy for you and your family.


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