This is me, but with a lot more hatred. [Photo from The Oatmeal]
Why, you ask? What could possibly be my reason for hating such a exhilarating new technology (well, not so new, but definitely a long way from the days of Jaws 3D!)?
First let's discuss my propensity for motion sickness. I can get sea sick on a water bed. I've nearly had to use that tiny little barfbag on an airplane several times. Any curvy, hilly car ride makes me pray for immediate death. And if I happen to end up in a seat that faces backwards in a limo or a train, my complexion will immediately turn a nice Shrekish shade of green. Me and motion don't see eye to eye.
I've seen exactly ONE 3D movie in my life. Alice in Wonderland. I'm not sure why I felt the need to see it in this format. Maybe I was hoping at some point during the film, through the magic of modern technology, Johnny Depp would appear to be sitting in my lap. Sadly, that didn't happen.
Did I really want this in my lap? Maybe if I was interested in shitting my pants from fear.
What did happen was I spent nearly the entire movie futzing with the fucking 3D glasses which, although they are quite large, do NOT fit nicely over your regular glasses. It took me almost half the movie to stop feeling like I was going to hurl on the head of the person in front of me. At about that halfway point, those special glasses started to press into my head just behind my ears giving me a splitting headache. And then I just got sleepy and ended up taking a cat nap sometime during the last half hour of the movie. I'm not sure if that was because the incessant battles with my stomach and the glasses had worn me out, or if the movie was just boring. For some reason, I can't bring myself to watch it again to find out.
I am sure of this -- I will NEVER go to another 3D movie again in my life. I don't care if it promises that Robert Pattinson would walk off the screen, slowly rid me of my pants, and perform the most mind-blowing oral sex of my life on me... Errrr.... well, maybe that could get me back into the theater. But I refuse to wear those stupid glasses.
Now this I want in my lap. Face down in my lap. When I'm not wearing pants.
I can't even imagine what kind of shit would have been flying at me had Breaking Dawn been in 3D. Scary wolves? Flying vampires? Half-breed fetuses launching out of women Alien-style? Like Bella, there most surely would have some serious vomiting on my part. Although my puking would not have been caused by a fast-growing, demon spawn gestating in my iron-clad uterus.
What are your feelings about 3D movies? Are you the "all in" or the "I could give a fuck" type? If you hate them, is it because they make you want to hurl? (I really hope I'm not the only one...)