Wednesday, December 7, 2011

My Hate Affair With 3D Movies

I was perusing The Oatmeal this morning and as usual I was spewing coffee all over my computer because this shit makes me laugh my ass off. Every. Damn. Time. Sometimes I think this guy has probed the darkest recesses of my brain. One of the newer posts called "Why 3D movies need to die" had me chuckling up a storm because, well, I fucking hate 3D movies with the burning passion of a thousand suns.

This is me, but with a lot more hatred. [Photo from The Oatmeal]

Why, you ask? What could possibly be my reason for hating such a exhilarating new technology (well, not so new, but definitely a long way from the days of Jaws 3D!)?

First let's discuss my propensity for motion sickness. I can get sea sick on a water bed. I've nearly had to use that tiny little barfbag on an airplane several times. Any curvy, hilly car ride makes me pray for immediate death. And if I happen to end up in a seat that faces backwards in a limo or a train, my complexion will immediately turn a nice Shrekish shade of green. Me and motion don't see eye to eye. 

I've seen exactly ONE 3D movie in my life. Alice in Wonderland. I'm not sure why I felt the need to see it in this format. Maybe I was hoping at some point during the film, through the magic of modern technology, Johnny Depp would appear to be sitting in my lap. Sadly, that didn't happen.

Did I really want this in my lap? Maybe if I was interested in shitting my pants from fear.

What did happen was I spent nearly the entire movie futzing with the fucking 3D glasses which, although they are quite large, do NOT fit nicely over your regular glasses. It took me almost half the movie to stop feeling like I was going to hurl on the head of the person in front of me. At about that halfway point, those special glasses started to press into my head just behind my ears giving me a splitting headache. And then I just got sleepy and ended up taking a cat nap sometime during the last half hour of the movie. I'm not sure if that was because the incessant battles with my stomach and the glasses had worn me out, or if the movie was just boring. For some reason, I can't bring myself to watch it again to find out.

I am sure of this -- I will NEVER go to another 3D movie again in my life. I don't care if it promises that Robert Pattinson would walk off the screen, slowly rid me of my pants, and perform the most mind-blowing oral sex of my life on me... Errrr.... well, maybe that could get me back into the theater. But I refuse to wear those stupid glasses.

Now this I want in my lap. Face down in my lap. When I'm not wearing pants.

I can't even imagine what kind of shit would have been flying at me had Breaking Dawn been in 3D. Scary wolves? Flying vampires? Half-breed fetuses launching out of women Alien-style? Like Bella, there most surely would have some serious vomiting on my part. Although my puking would not have been caused by a fast-growing, demon spawn gestating in my iron-clad uterus.

What are your feelings about 3D movies? Are you the "all in" or the "I could give a fuck" type? If you hate them, is it because they make you want to hurl? (I really hope I'm not the only one...)

21 comments:

  1. You are definitely NOT the only one. I had to look closely at that cartoon to see if the little dude was me, because that's pretty much the way it went.
    I fucking DESPISE 3D movies and I have a 5 year old, which means that every movie I take him to is now in 3D, because for some unknown reason that is how they are now making kids' movies...sucks balls.

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  2. You are so not alone. I HATE 3D movies, and refuse to go near one. The fact that this fad has progressed to in home televisions makes me question society as a whole. :) I also feel very ill during 3D movies, and end up with a horrible mind-numbing headache. Sorry, not worth it. I'm hoping the obsession ends soon.

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  3. It isn't just you. Hubs wants a 3D tv and I get a raging headache just thinking about it. Who wants to wear sunglasses just to watch tv? Ridiculous. I almost had to leave halfway through Avatar... never again.

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  4. I wanted to see Avatar in 3D because I thought it would change my life or something. 30 minutes in (which is about 1/57373367th of the way through), I was like "Bloody fucking hell when will Dances With Wolves Part II end?!!!" I think I still have the damn glasses imbeded in my sinus cavity.

    Can we all join hands across the globe & agree to stop making every movie in 3D?

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  5. Yeah, like you I've only seen ONE movie in 3D, and it wasn't even in the theater. I own Journey to the Center of the Earth on Blu Ray in 3D, which amazingly I actually love. I'm very easily amused and things catch my attention pretty easy too, but I'll never watch another 3D movie in fear of hating it. OH, look at the kitty.... :)

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  6. i hate 3-d movies. i wear glasses normally so the 3-d glasses have to go on top of those and they never sit right. i endd up getting a headache as well. i've only seen 3 movies and that's because i have a kid and those were her movie picks. plus i am a cheap MF and i hate paying the extra price for the 3-d tix.

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  7. FUCK 3D MOVIES. I remember dancing the dance of joy when it became official that BD would NOT be in 3D. As much as we would have liked to have seen feathers falling around our own hair, and sweaty broken headboard scenes, it would have saved me a headache. And looking back, I don't need Kristen's 5 foot nipple in my mouth. With all of the seizure drama from the CSI scene, imagine what that would have been like in 3D?! Blegh. I'm twitching just thinking about it.

    FUCK YOU 3D. And fuck you movie theaters for charging extra, even if I have a fucking pair of 3D glasses from the last shitty 3D movie I was dragged to.

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  8. @Lindsay Rae- I almost pissed myself laughing at your comment! I agree 10000%!! Thanks for NO 3D BD. As if critics would need something else to criticize with Twilight. 3D sucks hairy monkey balls.

    But I had to read this post twice when I got to ...
    "Robert Pattinson would walk off the screen, slowly rid me of my pants, and perform the most mind-blowing oral sex of my life on me..." with that pic. THAT PIC! GAH!! Heart racing literally! Excuse me ladies, I'm off to have sweet, sweet dreams tonight. DAMN that sex stare. I mean, really? come on!

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  9. I don't really think it makes much of a difference, so I really object to paying the extra money for it. Plus, it somehow messes with the astigmatism in my left eye, which makes my right eye overcompensate and feel like someone stuffing pins into it till it explodes. So until they come up with some kind of holodeck-from-StarTrek technology in which you can fuck Robward senseless, 3D can go fuck itself.

    Unf, that pic...okay, I would totally risk my right eye exploding to see that hair and those eyes in my lap in 3D.

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  10. Last time (and first time since I was a kid) I saw 3D was Captain EO at Disneyland. I closed my eyes after I realized that I was never going to be able to see correctly through the 3D AND my regular glasses. So they suck.

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  11. The last goddam 3D movie I went to was Toy Story 3 with my 6 year old. I'll NEVER do it again. Not only was I nausiated, my son tore the glasses off after the first minute. Why pay extra (since were already paying a buttload) for a Pixar Movie I didnt want to see in the first place? Ugh. The shit you do for your kids.

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  12. "Hate" doesn't begin to cover the feeling....UGH, those fucking glasses! Not even Chanel could make those hideous things look or feel good.

    I could be convinced to watch another 3D movie in this lifetime if, and only if, Edward was my date. Yep, that's the only way.

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  13. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonDecember 8, 2011 at 10:16 AM

    I saw Avatar in 3D. I rank it in the top 10 worst experiences of my life. Who greenlit James Cameron to go ahead and make a movie with the most unoriginal story in the world (hello plot from Fern Gully, Pocahontus, as someone else already said Dances with Wolves, etc.) as long as it looked cool? And by look cool I mean look like a cartoon that occasionally had some fucking plant life and sparkles float at your face? That movie was the biggest piece of shit ever. My boyfriend actually fell asleep during it. The ONLY reason I didn't is b/c it cost more than my first born's (who is yet to even be conceived) college education to go to. I hated it SO much I can't even use the scented hand sanitizer I used for the first time during that movie b/c the smell association reminds of maybe the only time in my life I've ever considered fucking suicide. So as you can imagine my association with 3D movies is the same. Fuck 3D movies. Fuck them hard but not in a good way.

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  14. I might not feel as...passionately about it as some of you twats, but totally agree that 3D is a crock. And I definitely don't need a 3D tv in my home.

    Also, I didn't know until I read this how close I must have come to having LKW hurl on me in the last year (if the plane didn't do the trick, I am sure my driving in Washington almost did!).

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  15. I've seen one 3D movie and it wasn't a pleasant experience. Even at 2 or 3 yrs remove I can still remember whimpering in my seat, feeling sick and sweating like Mike Newton at Facepunch. I don't know whether it was the 3D or the massive hangover or the incessant questions from the 5 or so under 5's who I was supervising with another hapless parent. I'm not keen to try it again hangoverless to check if that was the reason. I tried with glasses, without them and finally settled for shutting my eyes and slouching down in my seat and saying "Oh yes, that was cool" at intervals. I think it was Ice Age 3. Shudder...

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  16. I don't hate them , but I don't necessarily like them either (ha ha go Rose )..I saw Transformers in 3D and talk about barfing...it was brutal..However I happen to love Avitar in 3D it was pretty with all the neon and flowery shiz..But yeah, not a fan.

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  17. LOL!!! Oh LKW, how I love thee!

    I am in the minority here and enjoy a WELL MADE 3D movie. I can't stand when something is made in 3D for no apparent reason. *cough*Pirates 3*cough*

    The biggest problem I have is that it seems like if the 3D is good, the movie itself sucks and vice versa. It pisses me off!

    The exception for me was the last Harry Potter movie. It was subtle and never overdone. Thank you Warner Bros!

    However, I don't get sick unless it's super long - fucking Avatar. Toward the end I was feeling like I was on a pirate ship in a storm, with NO sexy pirates to keep me company! Just blue fucks that chanted in their hippy drum circle.

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  18. OMG LKW did you go into my brain and steal my words? I feel EXACTLY the same about fucking stupid 3D.

    I saw Alice in Wonderland in 3D, not on purpose. I didn't even know it was until we got to the cinema door. I hated it. And the movie was terrible too.

    THEN, I tried to get over my hatred with Avatar. Y'know, cos it was all supposed to be 'world changing' and it was part made in New Zealand and my friend worked on the animation, so I tried to suck it up.

    I fucking hated it. Firstly, the dickhead handing out the glasses told me just to take my own glasses off and replace them with the flimsy plastic 3D ones. Yeah, dickhead, that's gonna work. They don't fit over glasses well, I get motion sick with the fact that my stigmatism is having a fucking cow, and I generally just want to throw myself under the seat. For almost three fucking hours.

    So yeah, I hate it. If they ever even remotely suggested a Twi-movie in 3D I would have had to quit the fandom.

    *endrant*

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  19. It took my a minute to remember what I was supposed to be talking about...you can't just put THAT picture out there and expect coherent thought....Oh 3D dumbest thing ever...seriously...who cares...its not worth the extra money or the ugly glasses.....mmmmmm look at him.....l-o-o-k a-t h-i-m..Oh my goodness....Wowzers

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  20. I hate 3D movies!!!!!!!!! A fucking waste of money. It has never been worth the extra money. And to make matters worse they are releasing Titanic back into the theater in 3D. WHY? WHY? WHY? Don't get me wrong I saw it in the theater 3 times when it came out but I could buy it online for like $5 now. Why the fuck would I want to spend $20 to see it again?! Ugh.

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