Wednesday, December 14, 2011

When DIY Twilight Crafts Go Horribly, HORRIBLY Wrong.

Edward says: Get your brain bleach ready, twatwaffles!

Warning: this post is mostly suitable for work - I mean, it's not porn-y or anything and I won't be talking about vampire baby-batter or putting up photos of sparkle-peens - but I'd suggest anyone with a delicate stomach makes sure they are not about to tuck into a meal...or a hot cup of tea... Honestly, I just finished a delightful dinner from Chipotle, and I'm starting to feel a little queasy just thinking about it, so this is going to be quick. But not painless. Because I've seen some really out-there Twilight merch in my time - heck, I am the proud owner of some of the best! *cough*PattinsonPanties*cough* - but this takes the cake.

I was minding my business over at Regretsy the other night when I was mentally assaulted by The Mother of All Horrific Twilighty-related stuff:

I... I... I don't even know what to say to this. Other than "I know what Jenny Jerkface's getting for Christmas"* maybe. But aside from that? And maybe that if they REALLY wanted to go too far they should have just had an applicator stirrer in a matching saucer with a maxi-pad tea-towel on the side? But aside from that??? I'm speechless.

I'll let the rest of the Regretsy listing do the 'splaining (not that this can really be explained, imho) -
Yes, it **was** because he was gettin' a little somethin' somethin' on the side.

Bloody tampon in a cup of water. No, really ... it's real fake blood (paint) in real fake water (resin) in a for real vintage melamine cup (but it is really vintage and it is really that uber-poisonous melamine).
GREAT. Now in addition to ruining my morning cup of tea forever, they've ruined vintage melamine for me, too. You bastards!

*JJ is off the hook - this item is SOLD. {{{shudder}}}


  1. There are so many things I have thought of to invent and sell and thought they were too ridiculous. The fact that this sold explains one thing...I could have had a mint by now!

  2. Boy, did Red_Bella miss out!!
    What some people consider "art" is amazing and twilight seems to bring out a whole. other. level. in people.

    Blergh Snarky

  3. I just...My ass clenched out of fear at this. JMFHF, who thinks of this shit?!?! And it's SOLD? I think that's the worst part...Sorry JJ, maybe next year.

    Sidebar but not really, Regretsy is hilarious.

  4. O.o. That's just wrong.


  5. I'm skurred.
    That is super icky and hilariously funny at the same time. Where would you display something like that in your house(of horrors. I'm assuming)?

    I soooo want to buy this for my Twilight loving friends for Christmas. So gross... so funny.

  7. I know someone my age should be totally indignant and outraged. But, once it sunk in I just thought it was really funny (and gross) at the same time!!

  8. ^Mom, really? It's not funny, it's disgusting!! Gag!!!

    Luckily, I will hopefully totally forget about this by the time I have to look at another tampon. I just... I can't even. That is horribly gross.

    JJ, you dodged a major bullet. Maybe you should aim for the nice list next year.

  9. My eyes! MY EYES!!!! Never have I been so glad I don't use tampons. I'm not sure I'd ever be able to buy them again without thinking of...that. *shudder* I'd either cry or burst into uncontrollable laughter, because's pretty funny. In that conflicting, shouldn't-be-funny-but-totally-is kinda way. Like most of the gags in Family Guy.

  10. Ahhhhhh! I thought of the tea bag thing a long time ago too! My husband asked me out of curiosity, "What does Edward do when Bellas on the rag?" I thought about it for a moment and said, "Probably steals the tampons from the trash and makes a cup of vampy tea. " needless to say my husband gave me the' you've lost your goddamn mind' look. Lol!

  11. I must be really sick cos I thought that was hilarious!! I didn't look at it very closely mind you, moved the scroll bar down quickly and kept reading! Did any of you ever read Ann Rice, the follow up to The Vampire Lestat and Interview -I think it was Memnoch the Devil (a pretty poor book btw) there's a bit about Dora (the TV evangelist character) being on the rag.....

  12. The more I look at this, the more entertained I am... Good thing it's sold (although I have already threatened to make JJ one - I definitely have that cup somewhere in a bin in my basement, along with a saucer... mwahahahaaaa!

  13. I have heard jokes about that, like what did Edward do to control himself when Bella was on her period...but this is just WRONG. So so so wrong.

    Gonna go puke now.

    K bye.

    XO J

  14. I would never have this on my mantel but this is hysterical!!!! Bravo! Bravo! Now who is the sick fuck that bought this thing?

  15. *blinks* Um. *coughs* Well, that's awkward.

    But I could totally see it being a conversation piece for the coffee table.

    "What in the actual fuck is that?!"

    "Well, you see, I was shopping on Regretsy..."

    Wow. Just wow.

  16. Did you see that the other stuff this person is selling is called "Circus Horror Freak Side Show Murder Dolls" ?! HAAA!!!!! Ack! Tells us alot I'd say!

  17. @My After Car - the indignant "Mom, really?" had me rolling on the floor. You guys are such an awesome Mother/Daughter pair.

    This is just so gross and disgusting but I can't help but be highly entertained by it. Obviously something is wrong with me. Plus, this might actually make ML lose his shit (I am only mildly disappointed it's sold out). STY - be thankful this is unavailable because if you had gotten it for me, I guarantee you would have made first place in ML's kill List.

    @Crinum_Lilly - Wait, what? Circus Horror Freak Side Show Murder Dolls??? {{Races off to check out site again}}


Comments are our life now. Leave one!