Monday, January 23, 2012

Yet Another Poon Post

Want to know what words I never want to hear when I'm at a family gathering, sipping coffee and eating ice cream? And, you know, surrounded by my family?

"So, I was reading your blog the other day and--"

This actually happened a few Saturdays ago. I probably would have been okay with it (sort of, not really) except I had recently written about my fucking vagina -on-fire issue and one family member not only read it but was about to spill the beans to the whole family. (I love you, family member, if you're reading this blog again. :) <-- See?)


Anyway, because I'm a glutton for punishment, I bring to you yet another poon post. But this time it's okay, because I'm not talking about my cock-pocket specifically.

For the most part, I'm pretty in sync with my love muffin. I get the general gist of how it's supposed to work and try to keep an eye out for things that might go wrong, like, say, having flames shoot out of it or something. I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure if my funhole is incinerating my panties, that's a problem. All I'll say is that I'm mostly fully aware of my lady parts.

 I call dibs on this name when I open a brothel. Just sayin'...

Then I came across this article that is apparently an excerpt from a book called What's Up Down There? Questions You'd Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend and realized that maybe I don't know my cock-pocket as well as I thought I did. Or, well, cock-pockets in general, really.

Also, the mental image of Snarkier Than You being my gynecologist has pretty much scarred me for life.

 The stuff of goddamn nightmares...

Anyhoo, I came across some interesting facts in the article. For example:

There are 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris, dedicated exclusively to female pleasure. The penis only has 4000. 

Ha, ha, people-with-penises. We have more nerve endings than you. Now get to work stimulating them. 

Pubic hair is not just a biological accident that forces us to the waxing salon. It serves three critical functions. First, it protects the delicate vagina. Second, it serves as a reproductive billboard to alert potential mates that you are biologically (if not emotionally) prepared to procreate. And last, it's a pheromone carpet and traps the scents that lead potential mates to the promised land. So you might think twice before you shave it all off. It's there for a reason. Embrace it.

I'm not entirely sure ML will be all excited if I grow in a pheromone carpet. Personally, I prefer the "landscaped" look but hey, whatever you suits you. I hear pubic hair is coming back into style anyway.

And I can't believe I just wrote that last sentence.

 Someone's gonna need a weedwacker to find the clitoris in that thing...

Vaginas have something in common with sharks. Both contain squalene, a substance that exists in both shark livers and natural vaginal lubricant. (Cue music: "She's a maneater...")

Um, maybe I don't know my bearded clam as well as I thought as I did. I'm totally going to start singing the Jaws theme song the next time I'm doing some naked-time with ML. I'll bet that will turn him on. Or freak him out. Win-win for me, either way.

I'm ready when you are...

Yes, it's true -- your vagina can fall out. Not to belabor the sock metaphor, but it can turn inside out just like a worn out sweat sock and hang between your legs as you get older. But don't fret; this condition -- called pelvic prolapse -- can be fixed.

HOLYFUCKINGMOTHERFUCKINGHAMPSTERFUCKINGWHAAAAAAAAT????

What the fuck does that mean, "fall out"??? Like, someone tells a funny joke and I start laughing and snorting and the next thing I know my vagina is flapping against my knees-- OH MAH GAHD, HOLY FLAMING SHITSTICKS!!!


{Scrolls back up to reread...}

JEEEEEEZUS.

Okay, so maybe there are a few things I don't know about my lady bits. And maybe you weren't aware your vagina can end up... fucking fall out. If you want to know more, read here.

And for the love of all that is hole-y, do your kegels.

31 comments:

  1. I have an older friend (65) who has been single for a few years now (ditched her 5th husband) and she told me the muscle down there can atrophy due to lack of use and needs to be re-stretched to be able to accomodate a projectile. That's almost as scarry as falling out.

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  2. That shark picture made me think "vagina dentina..it's truuuuueeee“.....

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  3. Sorry, I can't take time to comment. I have to go read that book right now!

    Damnit! You would think someone as old as I am would already know this stuff!

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  4. Holy fuck, I don't want my vagina to fall out!!! BTW I'm using this saying from now on. "Stop making me laugh, my vagina is about to fall out." or "I'm so mad, my vagina is about to fall out" seriously... I can't wait. Then when people say "what?!?! so gross!" I'll be like "It can happen!" and send them to this post.

    I have to go see the lady doctor tomorrow... I might have to ask about this.

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  5. Mental image of my vagina flapping against my knees...... Snort ewww! Snort

    I nearly pissed myself when I saw that picture of the shark.

    When I did Tai Chi they warned against doing the warm up move called a Dan Yu during your period as it could cause your uterus to detatch. Don't know how true that is. Oh what's a Dan Yu it's like a standing squat.

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  6. The shark pic reminded me of the movie "Teeth" on Netflix...

    You should watch it if you haven't already. It's a classic.

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  7. So...You're telling me to buy a set of Ben Wa balls, and grow in my love rug. ...I'm good, thanks. However, I will happily tell The Bentist that my vahoozle is like a shark. Jaws is his favorite movie of all time. I'm hoping this doesn't open a door to a set of fantasies that will for sure make me fall out.

    I have this disturbing image of a fleshlight hanging between my legs. Is that how you would have to pound it? Would I be able to pee standing up? I've always wanted to write my name in the snow...Those damn "i"s. Dots are hard.

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    Replies
    1. I actually gagged when I read "fleshlight" I'll never look at the Mag-lite we keep by the bed (for security purposes. I have no idea why I'm clarifying that) again.

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  9. OMFG Lindsay Rae... between you and the fleshlight that will now haunt my waking dreams and JJ creating an irrational fear of my laughing too hard, I'm having trouble breathing over here.

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  10. One of my mom's friends had a vaginal prolapse. The woman was so cheap that she tried to push it back in instead of going to the hospital. She finally had a hysterectomy last year, lol.

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  11. Cheri: That's the movie I was talking about! LOL! Great minds think alike!!

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    Replies
    1. @Cheri & Snarcastic - That movie has been on my "to watch" list FOREVER. I've been dying to see it. I will definitely check it out now!!

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  12. We have a farm and raise cattle. Over the years we have had several cows prolapse. Just be glad you are not a cow, because that shit is not fun. We have to rinse the uterus off (with a bucket of warm water) and shove/manhandle it back inside. I am not kidding once its out it does not want to go back easily. Then once it's inside we have to stitch/suture the cows hoo-ha closed so it doesn't fall back out while she heals. This is usually all done outside in a corral while the cow is restrained with a head gate. She will without a doubt piss and/or shit while we are trying to put her guts back inside. With cattle this happens sometimes when they give birth, but thankfully not very often.

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    Replies
    1. I'm a vet and I have replaced cow uterine prolapses before. Poor girls :( I wonder if the gynecologist soaks a woman's prolapse in sugar water and fists it back in place.

      I'm guessing no.

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  13. OK JJ, relax your legs and scooch forward... a little further... just a liiiittle further...

    P.S. That whole "it can actually fall out" bit is probably the most horrifying thing ever posted here. {{{shudder}}}

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  14. Thanks for making me spit my coffee all over my laptop....and it's not the first time! JJ you crack me up and you other h00rs are too funny and clever. I effin love this site!

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  15. I know 2....count them 2 women that this prolapse thing happened to. It sounded pretty horrific. Sigh - the shit us women go through.
    I was getting ready to go for a run, but now I'm afraid my stuff might fall out...thanks a lot.

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  16. My husband now officially thinks I have lost it. I could not stop laughing while reading this. I usually read it to him, but that just wasn't happening. I don't know where you come up with this shit, but seriously......don't stop

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    Replies
    1. I tried to get ML to read this post (he never reads the blog) but I made the mistake of mentioning the whole "my vagina just flopped out of my body" thing and he freaked out. Damn.

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  17. Holy kegel! No way is that happening to me, EVER. Nope I'm filing a formal complaint in the vag department ASAP!

    Now I'm scared.....

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  18. I'm just glad JJ doesn't have any pictures of a prolapsed hoo-ha. 'Cause you know she would post them!

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    1. There was absolutely no way in hell that I was going to Google search "prolapsed vagina".

      But I did think about doing it for at least 10 minutes.

      Delete
    2. Now that TheRugbymom mentioned it I wasted no time looking it up and HOLY SHIT I LOST MY BREATH ON THE FIRST LOOK! I just saw a poor horse with a dangle longer than it's own back legs!

      Now excuse me, I have to get back to looking at something...

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  19. OMG!!! Seriously?? So glad I had mine removed..I feel bad for you gals who have to live with that threat...Gird your vajayjays. Love all your comments, PMSL at all y'all.

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  20. OMG, I've got tears streaming down my face & I'm pretty sure I just cracked a rib trying to hold in my laughter (can't have the hubs asking what I'm doing). Thankfully I'm sitting down, so maybe that'll help keep my parts where they belong.

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  21. Well I think you only have to worry about it falling out and other people seeing it if you are wearing a skirt and no panties at the time but I could be wrong.

    I am so disturbed right now that I am not really sure what to do. Urg

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  22. Jeezus effing Christ! This post has brought me to tears - of laughter, I hasten to add. I haven't clicked on any of the links (yet), because, quite frankly, I'm a little scared! It also doesn't help that I have #Thing1 sitting next to me, and I just had to switch tabs in order to get him to avert his nubile 17-year-old eyes... O_o

    JJ - you have, once agin, outdone yourself. Kudos, bb!

    CC x

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  23. Oh God. Just read @Fragile Little Human's comment and I'm snorting all over again...

    THIS is why I FLOVE this blog :-D

    CC x

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  24. Thank you for blogging. . .
    We learned tips for how to write on people's blogs, like a compliment.
    We also learned that if you know something about the topic, you can put it on there if nobody else has written it. We liked the suggestion to only use one punctuation instead of a bunch if you liked it Vimax.

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