Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Boogeyman


I have a confession to make: I am 43 years old and I'm still afraid of the boogeyman.

You know the one - he lives in the closet...

...just not when I check every night.

He's always right behind me as I scurry up a dark staircase - better lock the door behind quick!

He's in the dark corners of the basement (if you have a creepy old house with an unfinished basement like me, anyway), lurking while I do the laundry.

But mostly he lives under my bed.

Realistically, I know what innocuous stuff resides under my bed: plastic bins filled with clothes and books, half a case of really nice Bordeaux, and copious amounts of dust bunnies. But the kid in me knows otherwise...


Only safe to do during broad daylight...

I can't get out of bed in the middle of the night and get back in without jumping the last little distance with fear-driven gusto, and I can't relax again until I am safely under the blankets. Completely under the blankets. Because as everyone knows, blankets offer superior boogeyman protection. They're like boogeyman kryptonite. Just don't leave your foot hanging out - whatever you do! - or all bets are off...

 Never EVER do this!

I was part-way over my boogeyman neurosis when Mr. Snarky talked me into watching Paranormal Activity back in the day. And THIS scene set me back approximately 38 years and was celebrated as a grand coup in boogeyman circles everywhere -



Maybe this is one of the reasons I was ok with Edward watching over Bella while she slept at night? I think I need a vampire to keep me safe at night. Preferably a hot one.

 Come closer...

And if I can't have a hot vampire security detail, I suppose I'd settle for the next best thing...

 But no hanky-panky for you, Chuck Norris. Sorry.

36 comments:

  1. Do you think the FSE Security trio in your bedroom would help? Who could think about what may be under the bed when you could be fantasizing about those three coming to life IN YOUR BEDROOM?????

    Aaaaand . . . why didn't they make a FSE for BD1? I really wanted Edward in a tux to complete the set!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Although I'm also really disappointing that there was no BD FSE that wouldn't require cutting out Bella, I'm not sure my heart could take getting used to waking up and seeing them all lurking over me. Maybe I could just position them facing the closets, basement door, and other boogeyman hiding places?

      Delete
    2. I'm pretty sure I'd shit my fucking pants if I woke up and an FSE was lurking in my room, lol.

      Delete
  2. My parents have one of those creepy basements in the NJ home I grew up in. The one where you have to turn off the individual bare lightbulbs with the silver pull chain as you move through the basement towards the stairs, leaving the dark to creep up behind you. And then, the last light, the one closest to the stairs, the one you had to pull and then run like made up the creaky wooden steps, inevitably falling down just waiting to be pulled backwards and finally making it to the top, to the light, heart beating so fast. And of course the whole family smirking at you because they just KNOW what you had just done! It's no wonder I love deliciously creepy horror moves (line Paranormal Activity) to this day...the chills, the goosebumps, the abject fear and then the relief. Like drugs I tell you! Thanks STY for the fond memories. I live in Los Angeles now...they don't even know what basements are here. Poor things...they don't know what they are missing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yup - I have those pull-chain lights in my basement! Luckily the last one turns on and off from a switch that's upstairs on the other side of the locked door (gotta have a lock to keep the basement boogeyman from teaming up with the under-the-bed boogeyman - heavens!).

      Delete
  3. I wasn't really an easily scared kid. Sure I was scared of the usual things like spiders, Dad jumping out around a corner wearing his bright red anti-fire suit from work and roaring at the top of his lungs etc. Good times. Not remotely emotionally scarring.

    I was never really afraid of supernatural things, most likely because I've lived in three separate haunted houses in my life. I've only seen one ghost though, when I was about three in haunted house number one. They do say children are more sensitive to these things than adults are.

    My current house has a poltergeist in the kitchen, though it hasn't been too active in a while. My bedroom, at the opposite end of the house is always colder than a witches tit no matter how well the damn radiator works. Honestly, living in a haunted house is more annoying than scary most of the time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I basically grew up in my bff's house. It was hella haunted, and I agree, more annoying than scary. I have some crazy stories about that house and what we saw/felt/dealt with. It would be fun to share stories!

      Delete
    2. Haunted houses?! Hmm... We do see those little light orb thingies here from time to time, but nothing else. Mr. Snarky is very intrigued by ghosts & stuff, though.

      I also had a close friend as a kid who lived in a very old and very haunted house - it was scary sometimes with all the things going bump in the night.

      I am pretty sure that reading (and then seeing) The Amityville Horror as a kid ruined me.

      Delete
  4. I am still ske(ə)rd of the dark. I blame my super duper catholic grandma and her opinion that "the end of times" was an appropriate bedtime tale. Pretty sure the devil is smirking at me from that corner over there. GAH!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been known to lay in bed staring at a shadow in the corner for a looong time to make sure it's really just a shadow... I mean, it's really just a shadow...right?

      Delete
  5. Ugh. I have so many bedtime neuroses...I don't know how I sleep at all. I'll preface this by saying I had a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad childhood. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So I have some....issues. Let's just say I wish there had been something under my bed or in my closet.

    I do still hold on to some things. I can't fall asleep unless the blankets are covering my ears, but I have to have my face completely cover-free. A) I need the nice cool air. I don't want to suck my own damn CO2. B) I need to be able to see my attacker, but I'd rather not hear it. C) I don't need any creepy-crawlers slummin' it up in my ear, laying eggs, then infecting my brain with tiny little asshole kids. Think Wrath of Khan. This shit'll keep you up. (In German no less) ::shudder::

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i cant sleep i close my eyes and count and i think about cr*p and whatev then i will be like fuc* its midnight then in the mornings i can not remember anything past a tv program i might of been watching and its like being knocked out

      Delete
  6. You're braver than me!!! No way I could handle watching Paranormal Activity! That's just asking for the boogeyman to show up and stay indefinitely! I can't even look in a mirror at night -as if my own reflection isn't scary enough at times - without fear of seeing a dead person in the mirror too. I'd like to thank 'Candyman,' 'What Lies Beneath,' 'Stir of Echoes' and various tv shows for that!

    Probably one of the reasons I held off on seeing Twilight when it was first advertised is because the trailer made it seem a little creepy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I figure every once in a while, I have to humor Mr. Snarky and watch a creepy movie with him (I always regret it lol).

      Delete
  7. I am completely terrified of the dark. I have night lights throughout my house and I made hubs install flood lights around the whole exterior to keep people from creeping up to our windows at night.

    I also have to have all of the blinds closed tightly at night so that all of the murderers in my family-friendly suburban neighborhood won't see me. I am neurotic about closing the blinds at night. We are about to move into a house with a glass breezeway, and it never occurred to me that that might be a problem until hubs said, 'I hope you aren't going to be all crazy about those windows.' And I thought, 'oh sh*t.' So we will see how crazy I go once we move.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG I too have to have the blinds closed at night. It drives DG nuts, but I don't want to see out & I certainly don't want anyone looking in. Creeeeeeeepy. Maybe it drives him nuts because we're on the 2nd floor of our condo building and our living room window looks at our neighbors living room windows (and we are friends with him) , but somehow I think some creepy dude is going to appear out of nowhere. Shudders.

      Delete
  8. MyHeartGoesPitterPattinsonFebruary 24, 2012 at 10:43 AM

    I recently went to a get together that was basically all of the women in my boyfriend's family b/c he and all of the guys in his family were on a ski trip. Well at one point his mom asked me if I was scared staying at our house without him and I said well not of intruders but I'm kind of scared of paranormal stuff. It was like a record scratching to a stop before all of the women acted as if I was completely out of my goddamn mind for having said this. I guess I should have known better. It was already a bit of a hoity-toity stuffy situation. Admitting a fear of the paranormal in this crowd of hens is probably along the same lines of social suicide as admitting you love finding bargains at Marshall's and TJ Maxx. I'm guilty of both so suck it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have to say..I'm not afraid of the dark, but I have some awesome stories of scaring the bajebus out of certain family members. Lurking at the bottom of a dark stairway is one of my favorites. My son shares my dark humor..he likes to POP up behind the fridge door when I go for a snack and as I close the door he's like...right there. Gets me every time. My hubs has great stories of scaring the crap out of his sisters..they use to hide under their beds and slowly pull the covers down..or hide in the closet and jump out at them when they went to open it..poor girls were traumatized. I love stuff like this..but as far as being scared of the dark ,not so much. I love scary movies..although shit like the Exorcist or demonic possesion , that shitz crazy scary ..... Word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wtf?! Thats it, I'm never rooming with you when we build the Twitard Ranch.

      Delete
    2. Remind me to tell you guys the stories my grandfather used to tell me. They were horrifying. He used to love scaring the ever loving shit out of us on a regular basis.

      And forget about fairy tales. I grew up with the real German ones. Especially Struwwelpeter. Wrecked, lol.

      Delete
  10. Well STY, this is exactly why you guys need a huge dog to sleep in your bed and follow you around everywhere you go. I too would get the creeps in the dark, at any age--even now. But with trusty Mason at my side? Never. Mason will FUCK UP any bogey man assholes who try to get to me now. He will probably fuck them up with slobbery kisses and a wagging tail, but that tail acts like a motherfucking baseball bat when he's excited enough. Yep, you guys need a big ass dog, that's what I'm saying.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hahaha. Neither my sister or I can have our foot hanging off of the side of the bed because we know he has a big sword/sickle just waiting to slice off anything that is hanging over the edge.
    When I had my first apartment, as soon as I got home from work I had to check every room, closet, behind the shower curtain, tv stand... to make sure no one was waiting to attack me. If I went to bed & couldn't remember checking everything, I had to get up and look everywhere again.

    ReplyDelete
  12. lol - I thought I was reading about myself just now. Suddenly I don't feel so silly! You forgot just one bogeyman, the one who lives in the tub behind the shower curtain. He's the one who causes me to pee at warp speed in the middle of the night so I can get the f*ck outta there before he gets me...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luckily I have glass doors on my shower - nowhere for monsters to hide back there! If it was a shower curtain, it would definitely be on the list.

      Delete
    2. You nailed it. While I get totally freaked in the basement,the only time I get TOTALLY freaked is in the bathroom.

      Delete
  13. Soooo late to chime in, as usual. I'll have you know I had serious trouble getting to sleep last night because I was worried about The Boogeyman under my bed. I would never let my foot fall off the side of the bed, but what if I slip into a deep sleep & it pops out of the covers? What happens then?!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Bogeyman? Boogeyman? Bogyman? Boogie Man??? I am so confused now and wondering if i wrote something about a snot monster freaking me out...

    ReplyDelete
  15. My husband laughs at me because I have to check under the bed before I get in at night. Although I'm not sure what I would do if I came face to face with something under there.

    There is a pic floating around on Pinterest of a shower curtain and the words "Check for murderer, then pee". I want to print, frame, and hang it on the wall because I do this too. Even if I have been home all day by myself and have checked the tub already. Like the murderer has been waiting several hours for the opportune moment to get me.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Shit. Why did I have to read this right before bed? Yes, I probably have more fear of the boogie, bogey, boogey, bogy man than my 7 year old son. And I HATE getting up to go to the bathroom at night because I know that fucker has moved from under the bed to the toilet and will drag me down by the short and curlies to the sewer system.

    The clincher for me was Nightmare on Elm Street. I slept in a sleeping bag in my parents room for a week until they finally kicked me out. I haven't been the same since.

    So yeah, thanks a fucking lot STY. I still love you though :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Carly! Freddy K was the start of my fears too I think! I slept in my sister's bed with her until the FIFTH grade after watching those movies in the FIRST grade! And I insisted that someone sit with me while I took a bath for MONTHS after watching the bathtub scene!

      Delete
  17. All of these comments are making me feel right at home! STY - I have always done a little leap into bed when walking back from the bathroom in the middle of the night. It drives DG just because I actually jump. No matter how hard I try, I cannot "calmly" get back in bed. I am certain something is behind me, and it's not until I'm in bed with the covers pulled up to my neck that I feel safe again. I also always dread having to get up if I"m really thirsty, because that means walking ALL THE WAY into the kitchen. What if I see 'someone' sitting on the couch when I walk out there?! What if the boogeyman is in my kitchen!?

    Oddly enough, I can't sleep unless the bedroom is really dark & the blinds are shut tight. You'd think I'd want some light, but I think I'd rather just not see. Ignorance is bliss ya know ;)

    Lastly, after seeing Paranormal activity, DG said he'd pull a super freak if he ever woke up to me standing next to the bed staring down at him. Can you imagine?! I'd shit my pants.

    Good to know everyone else has their "thing" too.

    xoxo J

    ReplyDelete
  18. Great post : its interesting Thanks for sharing :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I hate getting into bed with the lights out (& sometimes when the lights are on)! I have this fear something is going to reach out from under the bed & grab my ankle. Maybe I should get a platform bed so there isnt any space for the boogey man to hide :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. This post has reminded me of "The Boogeyman" one of Stephen King's best short stories. It belongs to "Night Shift". Amazing, you should read it if you haven't, open your mind, it's great stuff.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are our life now. Leave one!