Monday, February 13, 2012

A Reality TV Show That Might Actually Be Helpful. But Probably Not.

I hate Netflix. Not just because they have shitty service and apparently took a boatload of acid prior to revamping the way they operate from "good" to "fjsalfjd;goairne'dfa".

It's because I find myself watching stuff I would never, ever watch otherwise. Like Vampire Diaries.

Last week at some point I was bored and had gas so I didn't want to go bed just yet, because I'm terrified I'm going to shit the sheets if I go to sleep gassy and it'll be like that scene from Trainspotting but minus the unintelligible accents and heroin.

 This scene was a better deterrent of trying heroin than D.A.R.E. Traumatized.

So I started watching The Colony*** on Netflix.



Basically, it's some kind of reality show/social experiment/awesome mindfuck that places a bunch of people in a post-apocalyptic kind of scenario and then sees what happens when they essentially deprive them of everything they need to survive. And I mean everything.

 This was not included in the experiment. The only water they got was from the L.A. River.

Frankly, I was expecting cannibalism and torture because I have zero faith in humanity but these people surprisingly got their shit together and did amazing survival stuff. Like, make a car engine that runs on wood gas. Then again, it was a cast full of real-life engineers, scientists, machinists and people that build... things. And they probably didn't spend their pre-armageddon days drinking themselves into a stupor and obsessively surfing Imgur like one or two writers on this blog do.

I'm pretty sure my porn-writing skill isn't going to help too much when Earth is swirling down the Apocalyptic toilet. Unless I count using all my stories to light fires with, then yes, I can contribute. Finally, those stories are worth something!

 Twenty-five years of writing stories just came in real handy. I knew I had a reason for printing them out.

Anyway, the first season was highly entertaining and I was super impressed by what the Colonists achieved, even if I secretly hoped a few of them would meet an untimely demise because holyshit were they annoying.

The show also helped me pull together a list of things I would need to finally fill up the "Shit-Just-Hit-The-Fan" container that ML and I have in the basement. Right now, it only has some batteries (unless ML took them) and some flashlights (unless ML took those too). I think we have one of those silver blanket thingies too but I'm not sure. It might just be a wad of old tin foil. Regardless, thanks to The Colony, I have a few more items I plan to add:

1) Charcoal tablets or some kind of water purification thing. Apparently having water is super duper important for survival. Unfortunately, that doesn't go the same for wine or whiskey.

2) A can opener and some cans and/or freeze dried food. I guess I'm going to have get over my aversion to, well, pretty much all food that has a gross texture in order to survive. I can handle that. I think. ML, on the other hand, is going to have to get over eating things with faces because I'm pretty sure a vegetarian diet is not conducive to trying to survive a global catastrophe.


3) Fire. Preferably a flame thrower, to ward off any motherfuckers who try to steal whatever I've stolen from the people who didn't survive.

4) A machinist and/or contractor. I'm now taking applications for new friends who are capable of building escape vehicles out of toilet seats, wires and scraps of metals.

If it gets me the fuck out of Dodge, I don't care what it's made from.

5) An extra pair of socks and sturdy shoes. Because walking around with strips of abandoned tires strapped to your feet looks fucking stupid.

6) A scientist or engineer. ML is a scientist but he specializes in ground water and stuff so hopefully we'll be okay on the water front (see what I did there?) but we'll probably need some other super smart dudes and dudettes who can build communication devices and possibly make electricity from our poops or something.

7) The date and time in which shit is going to down. SUPER IMPORTANT. I'm a procrastinator so I always wait until the last minute to get stuff done. Since I clearly need to start stocking up on rations and maybe learning how to run really fast, it would be awesome if I had some kind of timeline to get all this done. I'm sure we'll all be fine in 2012, though. I have a good feeling about this one.


So, if you're a scientist, builder, survival expert, etc., please send me your deets and we'll hash out an Armageddon plan. I'll bring the wine. And cigarettes. And pretty much anything else that's bad for me because let's face it - it's puppies and rainbows compared to nuclear fallout.

If anyone else has some suggestions for my "TSJHTF" container, let me know!! I'll be thanking you in between shooting zombies for it later.

26 comments:

  1. Gun and ammo,swords or hatchets, being able to use all of the above. The tv show the Walking Dead can also prepare you for any kind of apocalypse. I suggest watching it for a kind of training manual of what and what not to do.

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    1. I do find myself taking mental notes while watching the Walking Dead, lol. And I'm keeping Latchkey Wife close by because I'm pretty sure her and Mr. Latchkey have a full stockade of weapons.

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  2. Don't forget your slingshot zombiehammer with skull extractor!

    And maybe you should download all the pictures from your smutty hard drive to some digital picture frames, so you can still look at His Holy Hottness!

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  3. Condoms for all the post "TSJHTF" and we survived and shall now bump uglies moments.
    Tampons, because I always feel more prepared and ready for anything with like 11 stuffed into my purse.

    My trade skills would be kinda useless as a labor, delivery and lactation nurse...Unless you forget the condoms.

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  4. Sorry about this, but this happens to be one of my side-obsessions. I have a small stash of survival gear that my husband snickers at... until something happens... like a few months ago when the lights went off all over southern California and we had light and a crank radio so we could actually figure out what in the heck happened. HA! Speaking of which, if you want a flashlight that is always charged and automatically turns on and lights a room when the power goes (try stumbling around in the dark trying to find that flashlight in some randome drawer) out check this out: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002YLK346/ref=as_li_ss_til?tag=123lh45-20&camp=0&creative=0&linkCode=as4&creativeASIN=B002YLK346&adid=1KFHR9Q7V07M4JP5A8N1&

    I have to admit though that you're much more likely to be hit with a natural disaster or house fire than a full blown apocalypse and if you don't have enough insurance you're going to wish the apocalypse *did* hit so you didn't have to worry that you are now screwed financially. Believe me, 90% of everyone I've met is underinsured and after my mom lost her house in the 2003 wildfires I've personally met HUNDREDS of people who have had a total loss. Without writing my own article on the subject (which I should), here is one that's pretty good: http://www.komonews.com/news/consumer/137926733.html

    Unfortunately anyone who writes something as generic as this topic can't tell you exactly how to "run the numbers" as every house and every peice of land is very different. Just be sure you call your agent and tell them repeatedly that you want to be fully insured and you'll do anything to make sure you're properly covered. Then once you've done what they say, write them a nice letter thanking them for helping you to get fully insured.

    One more tip... Toilet paper. Lots of toilet paper. I've heard that in Bosnia (didn't they just get over a war not too long ago) it didn't take long for toilet paper to be worth more than gold. Buy extra every time you go to the store and pack the attic with it. Is that a fire hazard? Hmmm. Maybe.

    Hot damn, I think I missed the end of the first season of The Colony and didn't realize it even lasted more than on season!!! I'll have to go and look it up on Netflix!

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    1. Holy shitballs are YOU prepared!! You live in NJ, right??? If not, can you move nearby? I need you.

      I worry constantly about having enough insurance on our house. Thanks for the links and info!!

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  5. Sewing's a useful skill, right? And proof-reading? I'm also fairly good at identifying plants. So no one would get accidentally poisoned. Yep that's about the extent of my survival skills. I'd only survive until the world's supply of Prozac dried up anyway. After that everyone else would kill (and probably eat) my moody, bitchy ass.

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    1. Sewing is good and identifying plants is even better!! Haven't you seen Into the Wild? That guy would have totally survived if hadn't eaten the wrong plant.

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  6. THIS SITE IS PRETTY DAMN BORING NOWADAYS :-( JUST SAYING...

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  7. A very iconic legend died(whitney houston)over the weekend, we all know its twilight all day everyday which is gr8 but @ least acknowledge the obvious. I mean she was from Jersey

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    1. Acknowledge the obvious? Is there some Twilight connection we missed? Byeeeeeeeee.

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  8. I NEED TO WATCH THIS SHOW! We had the slight possibility for some icy weather a few days ago & we would not have survived. I think I was down to half a bag of croutons & some taco seasoning in the pantry. My first aid kit fits in the palm of my hand & I think just consists of some wadded up band-aids. YES to stockpiling tampons! Lila, I'm headed to your house for toilet paper today. Going to the store is too much trouble.

    Lastly, correct punctuation is your friend. Don't be afraid of it.

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    1. How about don't be afraid of correct grammar. Yes, I'm talking about your defragmented sentences

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    2. Correct me on having no period @ the end of my sentence...Ne 1 who cares that much has to be old. DWL & BOABDL

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    3. I'm just terribly curious as to how you even got past the parental filter on your mom's computer to even get to our site. Also not mocking you for "defragmented sentences" is my gift to you. You're welcome.

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    4. Parental filter? Mom's computer? Ur obviously really old or don't have kids b'cuz parental filters r jokes and this is not 2001; I have never heard of anyone sharing a computer. U can keep ur defragmented sentences I'll pass. FYI, ur attempt @ sarcasm falls flat...just so u know. H8 old ppl + #deadingfromLOLS.

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  9. I watched that show when it was on! It *was* fascinating. I don't think I'll be any help to you in any sort of apocalypse or natural disaster, though, unless organizational and baking skills might come in handy...? Didn't think so.

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    1. That whole "gasifier" thing pretty much blew my mind. I was really impressed with all their skills, even Mike, who was the biggest jackass the whole show.

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  10. If you need someone who can churn out Pinterest projects and unhealthy baked goods (you *are* stockpiling butter, right?) about a mile a minute, I'm your girl. I can also beat any of you suckers at Twilight and Friends trivia, which is sure to come in handy when the earth is burning or zombies are running toward us at full zombie speed.

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  11. I never got around to watching this show, but The Bentist is obsessed with survival shows and we've been watching Dual Survivor a lot. HILARIOUS. What happens when you throw a hippie primitive survivalist who refuses to wear shoes (EVER) and a marine who specializes in modern day survival techniques? Yeah, check it out. And some of the shit that they figure out is flipping righteous. I highly recommend.

    As for my survival kit/skills? Nil. That's why I married an Eagle Scout dentist. I guess it would be smart to throw a blanket and a crank flashlight in a bag with some matches, though. And tampons.

    I need to start a pinterest board on "Survival Gear."

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  12. @anonymous but by the grace of god you will be as "old" as us one day.

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  13. I wish I lived in Jersey and Texas just to be near you guys. At least we'd all be laughing when the big one hits. I think we should make a Twitarded commune or something, but it has to be here in San Diego because I really can't do the snow.

    And I have to admit... I think the TP thing is genius... but I haven't done it myself. When the apocolypse hits I'll be hitting my forhead adn giving a big ole' Homer "DUH!"

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  14. I'm not very survival-y but my husband is crazy good at shit like this. Probably why I married him. Oh and zombies? Psssh. We're stocked full o' ammo and I think he said he was going to buy some of these... you know, just in case.

    http://www.hornady.com/ammunition/zombiemax

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