Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Why I Don't Want a Vampire Boyfriend

We spend so much time talking about why it would be awesome to have a boyfriend that is of the vamp-y persuasion. You know, the smokin' good looks, the undying (literally) love and affection, the week-long stamina in bed... It all just sounds really fucking awesome.

 This will always be one of my most favorite pictures of my Emo Cullen.

Aside from the obvious (um, that vampires aren't real), when it really boils down to it and I finally tear my eyes away from pictures of all the fuck-hot actors who play vampires these days, I actually DON'T want a vampire boyfriend.

And it's not because deep down inside he would actually want to kill me. I'm pretty sure my very human boyfriend entertains murderous thoughts about me from time to time. Probably more often than not.

It's the fact that it would totally ruin my whole "vampire boyfriend" fantasy. Some things are meant to remain firmly in the land of make believe and the stereotypical vampire boyfriend is one of them. I'm pretty sure "having a dream job" is also in this fantasy-land but whatever. 

 Decisions, decisions... nah, I'll take both.

Also, I just know I would end up picking the biggest loser in all eternity to spend, well, eternity with. I'd probably fall in love and let him change me and then wham! I'll suddenly realize I'm stuck with some vampy freeloader who drinks all my friends and kills the neighborhood pets for shits and giggles. My life will be an eternity of butt-hurt and running from the authorities.

 Who I would actually end up with if vampires were real. Fuck my life.

It also doesn't help that all my vampire-boyfriend fantasies revolve around characters that are in their twenties (or even younger). Who the fuck wants to date someone who will forever be in their twenties? Now that I've been doing this "thirties" thing for a few years, I can honestly say the twenties can suck my asshole. Yes, they were fun but more in a I-can't-believe-I-made-it-without-dying-or-spending-time-in-prison kind of way. I did things that I will never, ever share with anyone, in case my mother or someone from the FBI is reading this blog. But to live like that-- with just one other person, no less-- for the rest of eternity? No way.

Even writing this post is tainting my fantasy of Damon Salvatore sweeping me off my feet and into his bed with his roguish vampire good looks and sarcastic attitude. And those eyes. Goddam, those eyes. 

 Unf.

Really, the only thing worse would be dating a teenaged vampire...

16 comments:

  1. I've gotta admit... I love older men and I love fics where the main characters are in their 30's. (I'm in my 40's so that wouldn't bother me either, but I've never read a story that went *that* far.) I live a bit of salt in that peppery hair (swoon).

    I also agree with you about the 20's. They were totally lame. My 30's were totally eaten up by those parasites we call children. Now that the kids are getting old enough to not suck all of the life out of me I'm having WAY, WAY, WAY more fun in my 40's. I wish I could stay in my 40's forever!!! (Okay, the pre-baby-20's-body wouldn't hurt any.)

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  2. Good news JJ! Ian Somerhalder (aka Damon Salvatore) is 33. I love playing "ennie, meenie, miney moe" trying to decide which one is the most gorgeous. Love the Precious pic too, by the way.

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  3. Vampires aren't real?!?!?!? Fuck.

    Lovin' my dirty 30s, my 20s were full of school. I went to my first bar ever on my thirtieth birthday (Living the rockstar lifesyle now!)

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  4. Damon is smokin' The eyes kill me. And he's old, like us so it's not so gross. sigh.

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  5. Thank you for blogging. . .
    We learned tips for how to write on people's blogs, like a compliment.
    We also learned that if you know something about the topic, you can put it on there if nobody else has written it. We liked the suggestion to only use one punctuation instead of a bunch if you liked it Vimax.

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  6. Nope, I'd take it. Sign me up, in blood. Done and done and done for.

    So the 30s are better than the 20s, huh? I'll be able to test your theory starting this fall (eeek!), but I dunno, my 20s were pretty freaking fun. Twilight and Twitarded played a big role in that!

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    1. The whole "forever" thing kind of freaks me out, lol. And trust me, thirties are way better than the twenties. Well, for me at least. Though I did live in that party house in the ghetto for a couple of years in my twenties. And boy do I have stories about that!!

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  7. Good points and well made, imagine spending eternity with someone like your catfish pic........yuck!

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  8. So true, n a subject no one could ever tire of.
    IMHO the appeal of the vampire boyfriend owes much if not all to Robward. But what is not silly is the fantasy if being with someone who can truly take you away and keep you away from the rest of humanity or anything ugly you do not want in your life. I had seen a thousand pictures of Rob before I ever saw the Twilight movie (books came later) and I had no strong reaction to him or the movie on first viewing until that scene in the parking lot where he gets between her and bad boys/things. He had me "get in the...." and that little growl at the bad guys.

    How did a penis enlargement hawker get on the comments? A vampire boyfriend would know how to deal with that.

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    1. We'll definitely have to send our vampire bf after the spammers - yes!

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    2. Maybe vimax pills are the secret to week long vampire stamina?

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    3. I'm so with you on the Robward thing. And that scene! That growl!!

      Meow.

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  9. What do you mean vampires aren't real????

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  10. Nope. I think I would prefer a 17 year-old, or a twenty-something vampire over Nosferatu or that fugly fucker in Bram Stoker's. Older vampires just don't do it for me.

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  11. Sign me up for those Salvatore brothers. Mmmm mm they are some tasty bits of man meat. The only way I'd do a vampire bf/hubby thing was if I was turned into a vampire too. I could never get old and wrinkly while he stayed all tasty and young.

    BTW, I blame you ladies for my recent obsession with the Vampire Diaries. I think my record was watching 8 episodes in one night. I asked my hubby to get me an itunes gift card for V-day so that I could catch up on Season 3... my brain has been taken over by Salvatore hotness. Thank you so very much for this new obsession!! xoxo

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  12. Did you see this? https://twitter.com/#!/crinum_lily/status/167299978090393602

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