Monday, May 11, 2009

Twilight Edward Doll Is... Well, See For Yourself

Every now and again STY will send me these little emails that generally contain a link and maybe a little blurb 'check this out'. I think she likes to be cryptic because she knows there is no way I'll be able to NOT check it out. Of course, when I open them, it's usually something really weird or creepy and I will inevitably shout 'HOLY CRAP' or something while I'm sitting at my desk at work. No filters, remember?

So naturally, when she sent this I immediately hit the link.

And What. The. Truck. Is. That?

I get that art is subjective, I really do. I mean, Salvador Dali = artist in my book. Warhol, on the other hand, does not.

But I'm not so sure I can consider this art. It's creative, I'll give 'em that much. But it's also kind of... fucking creepy.


You are my life now... let's make out.

Shockingly, no one has bid on this little gem yet so if you're interested, you better hurry! The auction ends tomorrow night...

But it's not even the doll itself that killed me about this eBay auction. It's the description.

This auction is for a 1/6 scale mini BJD obitsu white skinned male designed to look like Edward Cullen (from the book, not the movie.) This doll can wear Ken-sized clothes and shoes and is extremely flexible and articulated so that you can photograph him in scenes from the book if desired. Included in this auction is the Edward doll, his wig (attached to his head with velcro) and his butterscotch-colored eyes. He will come nude.

That's right folks, your one-of-a-kind Edward doll will be shipped to you butt-ass naked. In his plasticky little birthday suit, if you will. Wearing nothing but his velcroed hair. And eyes. At least they are including the eyes. {{{shiver}}}

Yowser.

Naturally, this one little link caused a flurry of WTF?!-My-retinas-are-burning-make-it-stop-MAKE-IT-STOP! emails between us, STY felt obliged to send links to more Twilight monstrosities artwork. (I think she's trying to get me shit canned so I'll have more time to work on the blog...)

Like this, for example.

I'm scary looking AND my jeans are jacked up to my plastic nipples... let's make out.

Um, hellooooo? Edward was a hip dresser, man. Who tucks a bulky sweater into their jeans? Not even my Grandpa dressed that dorky.

Or this one, which, frankly, makes me uncomfortable in ways I didn't know I could be.


I love you... let's make out. Holy FUCK!! We don't have mouths!!!!

But let's not forget that Twilight isn't all Edward, Edward, Edward. There are Jacob and Renesmess too. Honestly, I think it would be swell if Stephenie Meyer wrote another vampire/Twilight, but I think I may have been more relieved than Edward and Bella put together that I didn't really have to deal with Jacob being more than a really really REALLY attentive babysitter. 'nuff said.

We are anatomically correct... let's make out.

Aww, look at beautiful Renee-whatever-the-eff-her-name-is. All growed up in a wedding dress. At the age of seven. Yup. Still creepy. And yes you read that right: anatomically correct. I am frightened by this and I don't scare easily. And I might have to send the person selling these a request for more photos... [I kid, I kid - but you know you want you kinda see what's going on there. Just a little bit.]

47 comments:

  1. OMG! That first doll looks like Edward Scissorhands.........on crack.

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  2. OMG!! Too funny, I sure hope someone doesn't buy that 1st one! FUGLY!

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  3. Holy shiz! That was so funny I almost fell off my chair! Love your site!!

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  4. It DOES look like a cracked out Edward Scissorhands!! LOL.

    And to be totally honest - I kind of want it - just for the uncomfortable factor. While it's not as interesting as this from the lovely folks at LTT it is still pretty damn funny.

    @ Sarita Pagita - Please don't sue us though, mkay? :)

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  5. Ewww. Who would by the first doll? It does look like some freaking character from a Tim Burton movie. Yeah, how about I buy that for my daughter and tell her it's the Edward doll that she's been wanting. LOL. Ohh, the look on her face would be PRICELESS! I crack myself up...

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  6. WTF is right. Now, I love Twilight, don't get me wrong. But not enough to buy (or make) some scary f'ing dolls. Yikes!!

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  7. Do it. Email, because we all wanna see what's up in that doll's business. Plus, given her hair color, I'm very interested in seeing if the carpet matches the drapes.

    There is some crazy Twi out there for sure, and your examples are def. winners...however, this one (imho) takes the cake. (some of you might have seen this, it was out there a couple of months ago). I will also be vague about it, to ensure a STY-like "check this out!" reaction!

    http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/02/twilight-fans-perfectly-normal-healthy

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  8. @Anne - Do you much red wine hurts coming out of your nose? Well, I do... LOL!

    And damn you for vagueness - because now I'm compelled to look. I'm such a sucker (puts wine glass FAR away so as not to repeat laugh-snort)

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  9. @Anne-That is the best link ever! LOL... I've got to show my husband that one. Hilarious. Eggs hatched by Jesus. Too much!

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  10. "Fucking creepy" is an understatement! That's just wrong! I'm probably going to have nightmares tonight. My poor Edward:(

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  11. I am laughing my fucking ass off right now.... Those dolls are going to totally give me nightmares tonight!

    @ Anne - that is one fucked up link! What the holy hell? I'm at a loss for words right now.

    @ JJ - OK first of all, if you did get that creepy little velcro haired naked doll, wouldn't it totally freak you out thinking about it sitting on a shelf somewhere, maybe it's little butterscotch eyeballs following your every move?? Who the frig ever thought that bendy dink of an impostor was ever even was close to resembling our Edward (in the book or the movie)?? That's just colossally disturbing! Now I'll need to stay up for another couple of hours just to get that image out of my head so I can fall asleep...

    This is funny shit!!

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  12. I am utterly disturbed!!! And also compelled to keep looking at the pics, especially the one of Jacob and Renesmee. WTF.

    And then Anne's link just sealed the deal. Hadn't seen the fuzzy uterus since it was first leaked. Ah, good times.

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  13. I've got two of them I'm trying to get rid of- My hubby bought me one for Mother's day, *The real ones, not the cracked out homemade ones!* which was super sweet- too bad he didn't know I was bidding on (and won) a lot of 2 on Ebay. so now I have 3... and even though I love me some Edward- I don't need three...

    PS- I DO want to see the anatomically correct ones! .. Just because I can picture all the grueling hours it took to painstakingly paint those little parts on! *ROTFL!* What a douche!

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  14. OME that fuzzy fetus thing was DISCUSTING! *barfs*

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  15. @Anne = "does the carpet match the drapes"?!? BWAHAHA!! man now i have a mess to clean up... ok, that's IT!!! i am a glass of wine or two in to the evening [shut up JJ i am not talking to you] and i WILL go get more details. I must. stay tuned... (that's right: i am willing to put my absolutely spotless 100% positive ebay rating on the line for you guys. and crazy doll junk. 'cause that's how we roll at Twitarded.)

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  16. WHY GOD WHY???
    Why do you keep posting things that WILL give me nightmares? Do secretly hate me? You could just tell me. I like "dolls" as much as I like clowns, that should give some perspective on how your "doll" posts are slowly killing my soul. BUT, I love YOU so much I keep coming back to read all your stuff. Vicious cycle?

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  17. @STY: I can't wait...

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  18. Holy crap, I'm crying from laughing so hard. What is up with the play-doh dolls in the meadow? I mean, what are you supposed to DO with them? And I am eerily curious about the anatomically correct thing, so I'll be watching, STY. Keep it up, girlies! Your blog makes me happy on the inside.

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  19. Wow, those a truly scary. Did you see how much crap was typed about the two dolls in the second sweater tucking one? Holy crap. I can't believe there is actually a bid for the first one. I can't even talk about the Jacob and "Renee-whatever-the-eff-her-name-is" dolls. You must e-mail and find out more--you know all us dirty birds want to know. Love the Edward Scissorhands reference. I had seen the felted uterus (just using those words together seem wrong) one before--very odd and disturbing.

    Did you see the vibrating Pocket Edward over at Pillow Biters? Looks like Dilward is on his way to becoming reality in a very crude, slapped together kind of way. Another cash cow that has slipped through my fingers.

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  20. Are there people out there who would seriously bid on these creepy dolls!?!? As for the first doll, when was Edward's hair ever described in the book as looking like a fucking yucca plant....(was born and raised in the Southwest so naturally that was my first comparison.)

    @STY-I'm waiting!

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  21. Note to self: Self, remember to empty bladder before reading Twitarded.

    That first doll had me confused. I thought it was Alice. LOL!

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  22. @Ang - I like dolls about as much as like clowns, as well. I also like to torture myself (and you all in the process). LOL.

    And yes, the curtains match the drapes...

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  23. Seriously....that was some tear-inducing stuff right there! Oh my word.....

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  24. I am still in shock that someone bid on the first doll! Let alone the price people are asking for the 'repainted' Ken/Edward doll. Well this should show all of us that we are not the 'crazy' Twi fans...

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  25. That first doll looks like a girl. Seriously.

    EEK.

    You should have posted that under Horror Tuesday or something cause that shit is scary!

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  26. After convening an emergency meeting of the Twitarded executive committee earlier this morning (this involves a flurry of emails, texts, and a heated phone call or two), here's the scoop: We have the additional pictures. And we absolutely, positively cannot post them here. Really. I could only bring myself to open the first one, and, well, if you've ever had a burning desire to act out "The Consummation of Renesmee & Jacob's Marriage" with dolls, you should go bid on these.

    If you want to see the pics (and you know you do), send an email (it's snarkierthanyou@gmail.com, in case you never noticed it at the very bottom of the blog). I promise your secret is safe with me, dirty birdies, if you are worried about privacy.

    And please do not involve the person selling these items. She seems very nice and because I am not nearly as mean-spirited as I make myself out to be sometimes, I feel kind bad for poking fun. As an older chick running a blog about Twilight, I figure I shouldn't be casting stones, you know??? : )

    Thanks!

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  27. That thud you just heard, was me falling off my chair!!

    What in the name of bloody hell?! The first one looks like Tattoo from Fantasy Island on a good day and then just gets worse. The 2nd one with his thumb in his jean pocket cracked me up, like it makes him look any better. ha ha

    Jeezy Creezy, just plain wrong!

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  28. Bwa Ha Ha Ha....
    I'm laughing so much I'm crying...
    You definitely make my mornings interesting..
    Creepy dolls, dolls with all the parts, fuzzy uterus...
    ahhhh what next...
    So want to see pictures of the dolls with the parts....
    I'm such a perv!

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  29. well I've reached a new low in my addiction - I emailed STY for the pics. sad sad moment.

    My all time most hard to look at image is by far the one Dani at Robsessedpattinson posted for Mother's Day. It's just so wrong - and I can't even look at it. look away.

    http://www.robsessedpattinson.com/2009/05/happy-mothers-day-from-robsessed.html

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  30. Hahaha...You are too funny. I love your site and that doll coming butt naked is hilarious. I don't know about the velcro hair thats kinda creepy.

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  31. BTW - since I absolutely cannot load these photos onto my computer here at the office, anyone who requests the pics will get to take a gander this evening...

    It might make for a hysterical "How I got fired" story if I put them on my office desktop, but I need to support my Twilight habit somehow - all that Twimerch isn't free! I need to stay semi-gainfully employed. 'nuff said.

    : )

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  32. Haha! I love it! Jacob looks like Donnie Osmond with some sort of Gone-With-The-Wind version of Renessme. You gals make my day. :)

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  33. JJ You could always get the fugly doll for your car....set him on the dash....like a plastic Jesus. "I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic........Edward. lol

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  34. New low for me too...I'm emailing for the pics. And that robsessed photo makes me feel like a child molester.

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  35. umm...
    I've been writing a paper & this is out of control, in a fabulous way.

    Words like child molester, Fantasy Island, fuzzy uterus, Eggs hatched by Jesus, creepy & beautiful keep popping out at me. Truly this is beyond beautiful. Truly truly.

    Oh and I can't believe the doll solid for 50 bucks. :( WHY?

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  36. The pics were... interesting. I only wanted to pour bleach on my corneas for, oh, thirty seconds after seeing them. It's sort of like a train wreck.

    Which reminds me... I need to look at them again...

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  37. Ok, I just looked again. I CAN'T believe that. Her vagina looks like a furry Holland Tunnel.

    Crap, I'm going to think about that now every time I go through a train tunnel. I'm ruined.

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  38. JJ&STY - we need a final count at the end of the night as to how many of us requested the pics. I know I did. I've seen them. Fuzzy Holland Tunnel and Wolf Pelt are apt descriptions. More bleach?? :)

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  39. JJ - too funny! Hey that would be a good name for a new cocktail - Furry VAG!! haha

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  40. @Anne - I think STY has those stats. She's busy rinsing her eyeballs with Clorox so... we'll get back to you on that.

    I KNEW I should have bought some bleach stock...

    @limey-1996 - Is a bartender allowed to punch you if you ask her for 'furry vag'? LOL!

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  41. Yes, I too, requested the pics and I nearly peed my pants laughing (not too hard to do after birthing two children). All I could think is Why? and Red Muff Club. Enough said.

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  42. @JJ - Don't know but I would be careful she doesn't dip the edge of the glass in salt and then pubes! haha God, sometimes I frighten myself!

    haha

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  43. Stacy (formerly SEJ207)May 13, 2009 at 7:53 AM

    Ooooh, my eyes, my eyes are bleeding! Why did I request those pics... Dude, holy SHIT! Does Jacob have a total boner or what? That is just fucking WRONG!! How will I EVER get these images out of my head - I think they are burned into my retinas! Pass me the Clorox, quick!!

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  44. LOL I have to agree... MY EYES! MY EYES! (as well as slightly embarrassed for the people that actually made these)

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  45. The 'other' pictures are just... fucked. Excuse the pun.

    I also feel mildly embarrassed for the artists but then again, I have zero art ability so I guess I should give them an A for effort. LOL!

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  46. Yes, I too, requested the pics and I nearly peed my pants laughing (not too hard to do after birthing two children). All I could think is Why? and Red Muff Club. Enough said.

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  47. Ok, I just looked again. I CAN'T believe that. Her vagina looks like a furry Holland Tunnel.

    Crap, I'm going to think about that now every time I go through a train tunnel. I'm ruined.

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